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For those who have been married 3 or 4 times, "when and how" do you communicate that to someone? The first date i suppose?
I told my spouse a couple of years into our relationship. Telling him even then was a mistake, because he went to work and spread it around. It got back to me. I had no idea he was an office gossip. Had it not been for the fact we had just closed on a house together, I would have dumped him.
Instead, I had to teach him the basics of discretion. He had some highly embarrassing personal information. I asked him if he would enjoy it if I told everyone his secret. Message received and understood.
I told my spouse a couple of years into our relationship. Telling him even then was a mistake, because he went to work and spread it around. It got back to me. I had no idea he was an office gossip. Had it not been for the fact we had just closed on a house together, I would have dumped him.
Instead, I had to teach him the basics of discretion. He had some highly embarrassing personal information. I asked him if he would enjoy it if I told everyone his secret. Message received and understood.
My question here is, how could she not pick up on whether or not her future spouse was gay? Did she not date him long up until they married? Unless this changed later on in the marriage or was he always gay?
It's usually the gay guys who pass for straight who will stay in the closet longer and do the marriage and kids thing. The ones who are obviously gay (like me) are effectively outed long beforehand whether we want to be or not. Roughly 50% of gay men can pass for striaght pretty easily.
It's usually the gay guys who pass for straight who will stay in the closet longer and do the marriage and kids thing. The ones who are obviously gay (like me) are effectively outed long beforehand whether we want to be or not. Roughly 50% of gay men can pass for striaght pretty easily.
Right - I dated a guy who was gay (and I didn't know it) for about TWO YEARS before I finally realized he was gay. He wasn't effeminate. My parents loved him. His parents loved me. But interestingly enough, even though my parents loved him and enjoyed his company, after he'd go home, my dad would often say "You know I like him, but surely you know he's ***** as a three dollar bill." And I'd always say, "Dad! Don't say that!" but then I'd just power through. I mean, I loved him and I LIKED him. I enjoyed every minute of time we spent together. He was hilarious too! And witty. And good looking!
He wanted a home and a family and he was trying to make it work, trying to "be really straight," but he just couldn't change who he was fundamentally. He would kiss me and hold me but we never had sex. Not one time in two years. You'd think that would be enough for me to put two and two together, but I was young and stupid and kept telling myself (he kept saying it too) that he really respected me. I do believe he loved me. I loved him. But he was simply unable to be physically attracted to me, even though I was young and beautiful - LOL.
I came over to his house and saw him arguing with some guy in the driveway and it was just obvious to me that they had been or maybe still were a couple, even though they were arguing. Suddenly everything fell into place in my stupid little 20 year old head.
Hey, I was young. I'm just glad we didn't get married. Also, get this - he ended up with AIDS, so I am also glad we didn't have sex. I lost touch with him and only heard about the AIDS through the grapevine, but I am certain he died from AIDS because this was in the 1980s and treatment wasn't great then.
Right - I dated a guy who was gay (and I didn't know it) for about TWO YEARS before I finally realized he was gay. He wasn't effeminate. My parents loved him. His parents loved me. But interestingly enough, even though my parents loved him and enjoyed his company, after he'd go home, my dad would often say "You know I like him, but surely you know he's ***** as a three dollar bill." And I'd always say, "Dad! Don't say that!" but then I'd just power through. I mean, I loved him and I LIKED him. I enjoyed every minute of time we spent together. He was hilarious too! And witty. And good looking!
He wanted a home and a family and he was trying to make it work, trying to "be really straight," but he just couldn't change who he was fundamentally. He would kiss me and hold me but we never had sex. Not one time in two years. You'd think that would be enough for me to put two and two together, but I was young and stupid and kept telling myself (he kept saying it too) that he really respected me. I do believe he loved me. I loved him. But he was simply unable to be physically attracted to me, even though I was young and beautiful - LOL.
I came over to his house and saw him arguing with some guy in the driveway and it was just obvious to me that they had been or maybe still were a couple, even though they were arguing. Suddenly everything fell into place in my stupid little 20 year old head.
Hey, I was young. I'm just glad we didn't get married. Also, get this - he ended up with AIDS, so I am also glad we didn't have sex. I lost touch with him and only heard about the AIDS through the grapevine, but I am certain he died from AIDS because this was in the 1980s and treatment wasn't great then.
I'm glad you got out while young. I've heard plenty of similar stories from gay men who "didn't know (admit) they were gay". I'm the werido who thought everyone came out of the closet at 18 because that's what I did. I grew up in the 80s and thought being in the closet went away in the early 70s. I didn't think anyone would actually live that way past high school or college, let alone get married and have children. Boy was I wrong! LOL.
I'm sorry to hear he died of AIDS. A said, but not uncommon outcome of gay men of that age.
It's usually the gay guys who pass for straight who will stay in the closet longer and do the marriage and kids thing. The ones who are obviously gay (like me) are effectively outed long beforehand whether we want to be or not. Roughly 50% of gay men can pass for striaght pretty easily.
My renter is one of those guys who could easily "pass" and like many gay men, he did date and sleep with women for a while--including his best friend.
His best friend's family still adores him as he *is* a pretty awesome guy to the point that his best friend's grandmother told her granddaughter that she should be marrying him instead at her (the granddaughter and best friend) wedding, lol. They ended the romantic relationship as even though they had a rocking sex life and were highly compatible on most levels (yeah, my renter and his bestie are overshare-ers) it dawned on them that his true inclinations lay with men and not with women.
He's going to be a wonderful husband and father one day, but it's going to be to and with another man and not a woman. In another time and place, he'd likely have been one of those men who married, had children, and stayed in the closet for life in order to have the family life that he desired.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 03-27-2021 at 06:53 AM..
It's usually the gay guys who pass for straight who will stay in the closet longer and do the marriage and kids thing. The ones who are obviously gay (like me) are effectively outed long beforehand whether we want to be or not. Roughly 50% of gay men can pass for striaght pretty easily.
Many gay guys aren't actively trying to hide themselves or pass for straight, either. They're just not stereotypically flamboyant, into fashion or dance music, etc. One of my good gay friends is a movie buff and a sports fan and dresses like a suburban dad. He's not trying be anything but himself.
Hey, one thing you can say about people who marry several times is that they sure do believe in the institution of marriage!
I used to say to people who would remark on how happy my husband and I were together, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." I mean, honestly, that's what worked for us. Of course, the key was that after two failed marriages each (both when we were a lot younger), we both, independently of each other, decided we were going to fix ourselves. And we did. So when we met, we were good mates. I knew I was a good mate, and I knew that I was in spite of being married twice before. I knew I was faithful, honest, a hard worker, decent with money (and had a good credit score), healthy, and had multiple talents and an upbeat personality. I also knew that I am not sensitive, I'm a natural born skeptic, I talk too much, I can be judgmental, and I am not good with details. So I think this insight into my own being helped me understand him better too. I gave him a chance, and it was the best gamble I ever made.
I think one of the main things that helped us be successful is that we both believed in full disclosure having been married before to deceitful, very "private" people. It was just SUPER important to both of us to level completely with the other person. In fact, he lied to me, as far as I know, about ONE thing - but it was a pretty big thing. I mean, he told me that his first love had the same first name as me, but what he didn't tell me is that his first love was his first wife, so he was married to two different women with the same first name! And I don't even have a common first name! I found out about this pretty quickly, but even prior to that, he had already gone to his mom and been absolutely tearful and told her how he couldn't believe he had hidden this from me and didn't know how to tell me (no worries, his senile old grandfather told me - LOL). Anyway, I was mad about it and upset, but mostly because he just didn't tell me. He was such a terrible liar (so am I). He was so distraught about it that it was honestly a relief to him when I found out (right after we got married). I was mad as a wet hen, but seeing him so distraught about it, and hearing from various family members about how tortured he'd been over it for MONTHS (and he should have been), sort of defused my anger at him after a day or so. Ironically, it was his one lie - that he was so bad at - and his reaction to it and to me moving past it - that helped me trust him even more eventually. I don't think he ever lied to me again. i certainly never caught him in another lie and we were together for 15 years. I think he was so bad at it and I was so mad at it that he just figured "Totally not worth it. Never again."
Ironically, she died at a young age, from a brain tumor. I never felt any animosity toward her or her memory. And hey, she had a great first name! She and my husband had married just out of high school, never had kids, and got divorced a couple of years later, but they remained on good terms. When she got sick, my husband visited her several times, and always felt guilty about working out of town when she died. I think he only always felt a warmth about her memory. He certainly never bad mouthed her to me. All he would say was "We got married way too young and we didn't know what we were doing at all." I can definitely believe that. He was already remarried - to the ex wife I am about to describe again - and he told me that she always felt so threatened by his first wife (even after she got a brain tumor) that he had to sneak around to check on her. He said that if his wife had found out, she would have been furious and I believe him, knowing her. Heck, I would have been making the sick woman some chicken noodle soup and going over there WITH my husband to check on her! My gosh, she was dying! Before the age of 30! What a tragedy.
I sure do miss him. It's going on 8 months since he died. That's hard to believe. But I'm so grateful for every minute that he and I spent together, in spite of both being married twice before. He would have been worth it to me if I'd never been married before, by the way.
His ex wife is so mad at me, because she apparently bet on the wrong horse, so to speak, and now she's older than me, single again, nearly destitute, works at a crappy job and barely makes ends meet. If she'd stuck with him, she'd have been in a much better position, at least financially (though apparently she would still have the same awful personality) but she opted instead to divorce him and quickly marry someone else, and now they're divorced. Anyway, I think she has always wished she had stayed married to my husband, because her third now ex husband used to call my husband (drunk) in the middle of the night saying stupid stuff like "Yeah, I told her I'm going to leave her and now she can go back to the man she really loves - you." And my husband would always say to him, "Yeah, not gonna happen, because I know you might love her but I don't - and I'm very happily married now - to someone else." It was funny though to get those calls. I swear, when he was drunk, that man always forgot I even existed - but it tells me that when they argued, his wife must have been bringing up my husband, which is interesting.
When my husband unexpectedly died, she took his son to clean out the RV my husband used for work. I honestly didn't even want anything out of it but I wanted his personal items removed. I firmly believe she wanted to see "what he had" and relished the idea of rifling through his things, though I hope she knew that I didn't care one iota. (There was also a big wad of cash in there that I hope they found but she claims they didn't find - whatever.) Anyway, when she got back to my house, the back seat of her car was loaded down with clothes and a TV, neither of which I wanted. She said "That's no problem, I can keep the TV and donate the clothes." (Fine by me.) Then she told me "When I was driving back with all his clothes, they smelled like him and suddenly I just broke down crying." OK, understandable I guess - I'd been crying for days and am still crying. She accompanied her son, my stepson, to the visitation, and stood right in front of my husband's casket and said "We'd probably still be married if he hadn't been such a selfish son of a *****." WORST. THING. ANYONE. EVER. SAID. TO. ME. And maybe the worst thing anyone ever said about my husband, for that matter. I was so shocked I couldn't even think of a comeback but of course I've thought of plenty of things I should have said since then, starting with "Well, no, I don't think you would still be married - because my husband was repulsed by you. Oh and you can lay all sorts of wrongs at his feet but one thing you can't say about him is that he was selfish. He was one of the most generous people I've ever known."
But no, all I could do was stand there and say something inane, I don't even remember what. Oh well. And now she's furious at me about all sorts of stupid things. Oh well, I guess she can sit around and stew. She certainly has a different perspective than I do, and values different things in life I guess.
I was wondering, why do some people continue to marry after say, 2 divorced under their belt? I mean, after that point, wouldn't a 3rd marriage really be kind of an exercise in futility? Esp. a 3-timer?
At that point, wouldn't you just be better off co-habitating with a future partner at the very most?
I remember one time, my husband and I were talking to this man who was a neighbor of ours, out in the country. We hadn't seen him for a season, and he was telling us that his wife had died during heart surgery, 4 or 5 months ago, previous.
Through the course of conversation, it came out that he wasn't really doing well on his own. He and his wife had been together a good long time, and he was used to the hot meal everyday, his wife doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, etc. He mentioned that he had gotten a young lady to come over and clean for him, 2 or 3 days a week.
And then, somehow, the conversation shifted a little bit, and he mentioned he wouldn't mind finding a younger woman to be in a relationship with, but that so many younger women don't want to do the traditional roles in a relationship. (I had to inwardly roll my eyes at this point.)
Here's a 60 to 70 year old country boy, missing a tooth in front, hoping to find a 20 something lady who would eagerly jump into a marriage with him, to cook for him, clean for him, and keep him warm at night.
And I thought to myself "Old man, the only way YOU are going to find a 20 something young lady to marry you, is if she's mentally impaired."
It's not that he wasn't a nice enough guy, but he wasn't anyone a young woman would desire either.
I think if my husband were to die before me, I wouldn't be interested in another relationship. And if I WAS interested in a relationship, there'd be no marriage.
Hm, why not be just interested in a relationship since the marriage didn't work out?
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) it dawned on them that his true inclinations lay with men and not with women. 
