Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am the 4th wife of my husband, and yes, he told me about his 3 previous marriages on the 1st date.
Why didn't I run the other way? Well, he was upfront about it, and took blame where he needed to. I knew that I, myself, was hoping I'd get another chance at love, and could use some forgiveness of my past mistakes, so I had it in me to do the same for him.
If he'd been the type to place all the blame on his previous wives, and not owned up to his part, it probably would've been a one and done date...but that's not how it played out.
Hm, to me, that would be an immediate deal breaker and a red flag...interesting that it wasn't a red flag for you.
Maybe that's part of the reason I'm still single. I keep coming across these types. I would approach twice divorced women cautiously though.
With the one woman, she was honest about her 3 times marriage, most of which was due to infidelities' and abuse on every account. I did tend to wonder if I had talked with her previous spouses, was she a saint?
I did get a "cold" vibe from her demeanor though. Just something didn't vibe right about her. Like...I dunno, I got the feeling she wasn't a very sweet and loving person.
I don't get it either. I can see a first marriage failing because of lack of experience. I'd do a lot of work on myself after the failure of that first marriage. If the second marriage failed too, I'd just concede that marriage isn't for me.
Hm, why not be just interested in a relationship since the marriage didn't work out?
Are you talking about the neighbor I was talking about? His previous relationship DID work out. He was married a long time, before his wife died during heart surgery.
I was wondering, why do some people continue to marry after say, 2 divorced under their belt? I mean, after that point, wouldn't a 3rd marriage really be kind of an exercise in futility? Esp. a 3-timer?
At that point, wouldn't you just be better off co-habitating with a future partner at the very most?
Because people somehow believe that they won’t get hurt again we all know. This is a lie. I am going through my second divorce and I will never get married again. Ever. I don’t see the point I would rather live with someone and if it doesn’t work out then we pack our stuff and go separate ways. A better option would be for both people to live in their own place and not have to worry so much when it’s over. Because it will end.
About the whole "I'll never get married again" mentality... All the years of my first marriage whenever I dreamed of a future that didn't have him in it, I dreamed of being free on my own and never marrying again. And when it ended, I did not think I'd ever marry again. I even approached every connection with statements that I was not looking for that.
But then I did get married again. Why?
Because of how everything was so different with this relationship. What I brought to the table was completely different than what I brought to the beginnings of my first marriage. I was a different person. What he brought to the table was completely different from everything about my first husband. He is a different person. I began to think, "maybe marriage itself is not the problem, maybe THAT RELATIONSHIP, with that man, was the problem." Not so much a matter of fault and blame and wrongdoing, that's not the point on either end. But for my part, I did not feel the kind of love you should feel for someone you're marrying, with my first. I had other reasons I was doing it, that I thought were "more important." I did not, back then, really believe in truly reciprocal love, as I had never experienced it, so I thought that what I had was the best I was gonna get. Or what I deserved, maybe.
That's what convinced me that it was worthwhile to get married a second time. I found something that I did not know that I could have, or did not believe I would find. And we waited long enough to build our relationship together and feel sure that it was real.
One area where I think my mentality differs from some who are in the dating game (and particularly our OP here) is that I have an open mind, and I realize that things can change or evolve if I give them time. I don't make a solid decision about the limits or expectations for the whole relationship on the first date. I give a person a real chance, and see where it goes....so even though I was not marriage minded in the beginning, I also didn't let that stop me from changing my mind later. My husband was not looking for a wife when we met, but that didn't mean that he had to slam a door on the situation and make sure he felt nothing and sabotage our relationship just when it was getting good. Sometimes what you think you're looking for, might not be what you really need, you've gotta be open to it if you find something good even if it doesn't look like what you imagined. Otherwise you end up shackled to an idea, in a prison of limitations of your own making, in life.
One area where I think my mentality differs from some who are in the dating game (and particularly our OP here) is that I have an open mind, and I realize that things can change or evolve if I give them time. I don't make a solid decision about the limits or expectations for the whole relationship on the first date. I give a person a real chance, and see where it goes....so even though I was not marriage minded in the beginning, I also didn't let that stop me from changing my mind later. My husband was not looking for a wife when we met, but that didn't mean that he had to slam a door on the situation and make sure he felt nothing and sabotage our relationship just when it was getting good. Sometimes what you think you're looking for, might not be what you really need, you've gotta be open to it if you find something good even if it doesn't look like what you imagined. Otherwise you end up shackled to an idea, in a prison of limitations of your own making, in life.
Sonic, this is just brilliant, especially the bolded.
Sonic, this is just brilliant, especially the bolded.
Can't rep you right now, so *standing ovation*.
<3 Thanks.
Goes for more than romance, too. I sure did not expect at the beginning of my working years, to wind up in the career that I'm in. I saw opportunities, gave them a chance, made the most of what followed, and it's led to significant professional success.
It's not bad to have an idea of where you think you might want to be headed...but we've all got to balance that with what actual opportunities show up for us. To have SOME flexibility. Or as my boss says, "agility."
Now TT did mention that he had a bad vibe or gut feeling about one woman he went on a date with, and in general I do tend to tell people to respect their gut feelings about people, but if that happens with pretty much EVERY person you try to date, you might have to recalibrate. Or else be comfortable with singledom. That is not a wrong answer, either.
Goes for more than romance, too. I sure did not expect at the beginning of my working years, to wind up in the career that I'm in. I saw opportunities, gave them a chance, made the most of what followed, and it's led to significant professional success.
It's not bad to have an idea of where you think you might want to be headed...but we've all got to balance that with what actual opportunities show up for us. To have SOME flexibility. Or as my boss says, "agility."
Now TT did mention that he had a bad vibe or gut feeling about one woman he went on a date with, and in general I do tend to tell people to respect their gut feelings about people, but if that happens with pretty much EVERY person you try to date, you might have to recalibrate. Or else be comfortable with singledom. That is not a wrong answer, either.
This is very true. I'm definitely not where I expected to be professionally, but that's not a complaint, it's simply I didn't see the trajectory things would take 30 years ago at the end of high school.
Life has so many twists and turns. There's only so much planning and expectation you can have, if you have no desire or ability to adapt to changes.
I don't get it either. I can see a first marriage failing because of lack of experience. I'd do a lot of work on myself after the failure of that first marriage. If the second marriage failed too, I'd just concede that marriage isn't for me.
That’s where I’m at myself I’m going though a second divorce and at this stage of the game “and it is a game”
I’m done I’d rather date someone and be friends without getting married again. I’m not even sure I would want to live with someone else again either.
More people do remarry these days for sharing the burden and conveniences. Because it's too often a person walks away in a relationship and leaves the other person on the hook for all sorts of expenses.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
