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It's not a matter of disliking children, but more that those with children out of wedlock and with deadbeat sperm donors show very poor judgment skills.
I think a new relationship would be actually easier if the father/sperm donor is out of the picture.
I think a new relationship would be actually easier if the father/sperm donor is out of the picture.
Really? I would think that if a couple was able to part ways amicably and behave and act in the best interests of their kids (civilized visitations, child support, no antagonism) that would be more reassuring to their future s/o's... because that would show maturity and that they were adults that don't thrive on drama. Not every breakup and divorce is full of permanent drama and issues.
I really wouldn't think very highly of a person whose ex was a deadbeat parent and I would be suspicious too if their ex still had a lot of hate towards them. It would make me wonder about hidden personality flaws that I would discover in the future. People are just people, no one is perfect and I always take stories of terrible exes with a huge helping of salt because it takes two to tango. In most failed relationships, both partners are at fault for the result even it was just poor judgment to date each other to begin with.
There are several types of single parents. I think that people are the most accepting and forgiving towards a women that had children while being married. So if she is divorced and getting child support payments or even widowed, then that most acceptable scenario. Next would be a divorced woman whose exhusband is a deadbeat father because that shows poor judgment in choosing her children's sperm donor.
I'm sorry but I would have to disagree with this. Yeah, perhaps in some cases a woman used poor judgment. However, in a lot of other cases, it had nothing to do with poor judgment. I know my mother did not use poor judgment with my father. He came from a good steady family. He was ambitious. A good man. Never in trouble with the law or anything like that. Kind, loving and generous. He was my mother's first and probably only true love. However, when I was born, none of this stopped him from disappearing and never being involved in my life nor providing a dime of child support. Bottom line is he couldn't handle the responsibility of fatherhood. In fact, at the beginning after they split, she told him he could see me whenever he wanted, child support or not, she didn't charge admission. However, she told him that he couldn't just make the visits sporadic because I needed stability and if he was going to pop up for a visit and then disappear again it would be better for me for him not to come at all. You know what, he didn't come. Maybe he just couldn't handle the responsibility of fatherhood all that well. But at least he let my mother raise me in peace without disruptive sporadic visits and perhaps, who knows, perhaps the best thing he did for me was stay away. Yes, I grew up with out a father, but I also grew up with a lot of stability and a very large and loving family. So no, I don't believe that it is always a sign of a woman's poor judgment in choosing a "sperm donor" as you put it. Sometimes parenthood just changes a person and they can't handle it. Perhaps there were just no signs to the woman that this would be the case.
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Originally Posted by miu
Then lastly, are the women who have had their children out of wedlock and with little or no support from their exes. The more different fathers involved, the more unappealing she is as a potential mate to a quality guy.
This I would have to pretty much agree with. It would be a major red flag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
It's not a matter of disliking children, but more that those with children out of wedlock and with deadbeat sperm donors show very poor judgment skills. No child should be born in a situation where both parents aren't there to love and be financially supportive of them.
Oh, I would agree totally. I just don't agree that it is always, or even usually a matter of poor judgment on the mother's part. That's like putting all the blame on the mother saying "oh she had poor judgment". Maybe she didn't, maybe he showed all the promising qualities of a great man, just turned out to be a **** in the end. You know, my mother always used to (and still does) have a saying. People show their true qualities and what kind of person they are at the exit and not the entrance. This goes for life in general or employment or whatever. It is how you end a relationship that tells a lot about the person more so than the start of it or even the duration of it. Sometimes, a man becoming a deadbeat father, totally takes the woman by suprise because it is something she'd never expect him to do. How does that equate to her having bad judgment necessarily. Bad judgment would be knowing the guy would turn out to be a **** and going for it anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
In Ocuri's first post, he didn't say that this 26 year old was divorced, so it sounded like her child was born out of wedlock. But even if the child was born within a marriage, it then implies that she married young, had the baby too soon and then neither or her ex tried very hard to keep the relationship together.
I think there is just a lot of assumtions in this. From the first post I wouldn't say anything in there would give such inclinations. No way of knowing if she was divorced or had a child out of wedlock, either of which, in my opinion, still fails to make her a bad person or lacking judgment or whatnot. Or that they were married, and neither tried very hard, no details were given one way or the other.
Sadly, this is what happens though to single moms sometimes. Way too many assumptions are made as to why they are single moms. Sometimes they are blamed for their status because "they" used poor judgment. It's almost like the guy's get out of jail free card. Oh not his fault, it's hers for using poor judgment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
Anyway, one rude observation that I've often heard guys say is that with a single mom, at least you know she puts out...
I've heard this too and it's why several post earlier on this thread I believe I said, that is what makes it toughest on a single mom to date, having to weed out all the **** who are only thinking like that.
Also... there is a flip side to this. We have seen in this thread the discriminatory attitude towards single moms. Single dads get it too at times. With them, more often than not, a young single girl with no kids will often hear, "don't date him, you'll have to put up with his kids coming around every other weekend, interrupting your time with him, his money will always be tied up with child support payments, you'll have to always deal with his ex-wife which may be a psycho, his kids may not like you and make your life miserable, you don't need all that baggage he comes with".
So see it kinda goes both ways. I just don't think anyone should necessarily be lumped into a group of dateable or not dateable based on whether or not they have a child. It is about the person themselves. Do they have qualities that you seek, are they a good person, are they responsible, are you compatible, do you share values and beliefs. If you have all these things and you like the person and want to get to know them better, their having a child should not have to change that.
I think we need to get rid of a lot of the stereotyping and generalizations that take place way too often. Every situation is not always the same and may be as different as the people involved in it.
Edit: Actually, a series of nice, long kisses. Why I post this on here... I don't know. Probably sounds bad. Although I know at least one person who wanted a status update.
Sounds like things are going good. I wish all the best for the 3 of you.
Hi all, I am the OP. I thought this thread died, but I guess it got revived.
I'm obviously not in it for the sex... I'm looking for a solid relationship and I don't see why the kid would matter. I don't want to go into details, but I know for several facts that she's not just looking for someone to latch onto and support her child... and this is great.
As far as our relationship goes... for those interested... we shared our first kiss last night. How cute and romantic, isn't it?
Edit: Actually, a series of nice, long kisses. Why I post this on here... I don't know. Probably sounds bad. Although I know at least one person who wanted a status update.
You probably posted it because chances are you are feeling happy about it. I wish you the best, for you, her and the child. Just take it slow, enjoy getting to know one another and you'll know in time if she's the one for you and you for her. Good luck.
Next would be a divorced woman whose exhusband is a deadbeat father because that shows poor judgment in choosing her children's sperm donor.
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I'm sorry but I would have to disagree with this. Yeah, perhaps in some cases a woman used poor judgment. However, in a lot of other cases, it had nothing to do with poor judgment
I agree with mari4him. You can not be responsible for another adults behavior. People change, people fool you. You are only responsible for your own behavior and shouldnt be judged because a spouse, parent or child turns out to be a jerk.
I think a new relationship would be actually easier if the father/sperm donor is out of the picture.
Another thought is that if the father/sperm donor is in the picture and everyone is mature and acting civilized about the situation, the new boyfriend is under even less pressure to become the replacement father figure to the children.
I agree with mari4him. You can not be responsible for another adults behavior. People change, people fool you. You are only responsible for your own behavior and shouldnt be judged because a spouse, parent or child turns out to be a jerk.
I understand where both of you are coming from, but to me, it's just all the more reason never to rush into marriage with anyone, let alone marry them and have children with them right away. And I don't think that with the worst cases of divorce that one spouse was "hiding his character flaws' on purpose, but it does take time to know another person's true nature. In addition, I think some couples are too naive about how much children really cost to raise well. So what happens is that they have children, then the relationship gets majorly stressed from the financial drain of having those children, the man runs off and wants to start a new life, but child support is a ball and chain to him, then he becomes a deadbeat dad. I also read about this with black deadbeat dads, that they mostly do start off with the best intentions, but that they don't make enough money to pay decent child support AND have money left over to live a normal lifestyle on.
Anyway, in the last ten years especially, I've noticed people that I know getting engaged to be married after only one year of dating. Then they marry a year later. What's the freaking rush? So I'm not surprised at the high divorce rates in the US.
Then at my part time job, there are cooks being the sole breadwinner for their families and only making $17 and hour. And that makes me feel very depressed for those guys.
As a single man without kids, I find that comment offensive. And as someone who has dated single moms, I never found them penalizing me for not having kids. I also take offense to your comment that guys will overlook the fact that a woman has kids if it means he'll get sex from her.
Denny, you may be a rare one. And granted the OP is very young so my comment may not have been appropriate for that age group.
But when it comes to people dating in their 30's and 40's, my suspicion has always been that if a guy was 35 and wanted kids....he would have had his own.
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