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Being abused at a young age, by people who should protect you, whom you should be able to trust, steals your ability to depend on anyone. The trust is ruined. You may get some of it back through the years but it can never be restored to be the same like for someone who's never endured this. It can be mental or physical abuse, I think they go hand in hand. If you're sexually or physically abused, you're also mentally abused. It's all connected. If the abuser is a relative, which most are, it's worse and if you go tell your parents and they don't believe you, that adds even more guilt, repulsion, shame to it all.The magnitude is not to be grasped by someone who's never had it happen. Not saying you'd wish it it on anyone so they'd understand, far from that.
There's hope in that you can learn to love yourself but it takes years of hard work and in most cases therapy. Most live lives of outward happiness but the hurt is deep and festers till something triggers it. For me it was returning to the place it all happened. I felt generally OK about myself but went into abusive relationships, two of them, one after the other. I had no idea what a healthy relationship was. Sure I knew I was not in a good relationship, it felt wrong to be hit and yelled at but I felt that's the best I could do. It was all I knew. So many are living that type life. I did it for over 20 years.
Then in '06 I returned here for good and figured out why I hated it here so much. The one creep has since died so I can't confront him and the church is not at all helping to find the rest or to offer help in any way. They still hope you'll go away and recant your story....
But I finally live a life that's the best I've had so far. So there is hope but no miracle cure.
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I'm glad she's been able to talk with you about these issues, but know that she has a very long road in front of her. Rather than just seeing a therapist, she needs to find one who specializes in PTSD and specifically sexual abuse/sex issues. She is using sex to satisfy her need for intimacy. Although you may feel you have lots of intimacy, her excessive focus on sex is hurting your relationship and actually creating distance between you. She isn't aware, but she needs the intimacy not the act of sex but it is being needed and used as a sex toy that is driving her - it is where her sense of self resides due to her history.
Last week my girlfriend of three years went up to a Buddhist retreat for a few days. While there, she tells me over the phone that there is this special Lama there who she has a connection with and she feels she knew him in past lives and all that jive. He is 60; she is 17; I am 19. So I grunt a bit about it but you know, I trust her, and it's not like she'd want to be with someone old enough to be her granddad, but it just felt weird. So I pick her up from the retreat last Tuesday, and she tells me more about him and how he told her how he had a dream that she was a dikini, some Tantric Buddhist goddess type of entity. I asked her if this is at all sexual, and she tells me that no, it's not even about that. It’s a completely different plain than what normal people are used to. Then we wake up Wednesday and decide that we want to go back. And she adds how she would like to see this Lama again before he goes back to NY. So we go back up there, and I help out with the retreat while she goes straight to this Lama's house where he's staying, seeking more spiritual advice. I don't see her for a very long time afterward. And we don't get a chance to talk till late that night. I tell her that I feel angry and like there is a disturbance in the force with us, and then she says she knows what that's about. She says this Lama asked her for sex earlier that day but she declined. I asked if they kissed and she said no. I go into a rage now and require her to tell me exactly where this sicko is staying, with the intent on going up there and if not kicking his ass, at least speaking very firmly. She wouldn't let me go, saying it's none of my business. I regret not going back up there.
Sitting with this, over another day or so, some holes in the fabric of what really happened start to appear. And I asked her to tell me the whole story. Apparently while she knew this Lama at the retreat, they would talk often and he would bring up the subject of sex constantly. She says she wasn't trying to lead him on, she says she really just wanted the spiritual teachings he could offer, being a Lama. He would suggest that them "having sex with each other would be a very spiritually enlightening thing for both of them", and he would also tell her that she should keep their conversations and relations secret, as her boyfriend wouldn’t understand. She reports that when he would ask or imply he wants sex with her, she would reply "no thank you, I don't feel its right in this lifetime". And yet all the while she is hanging around this guy, though not agreeing to sex, agreeing that they had a superior connection.
So last Wednesday we went back up there, and she went to his house where he was staying, she reports that not only did he ask her for sex, but first they were sitting, talking on his bed alone, when he fully made out with her for a spell, sticking his nasty tongue in my beautiful woman's mouth. She reports that she felt numb, like she couldn't move. And as he kissed her, he pushed her back a little bit touched her sexual and sensitive parts of her, though apparently not for long. It was then that he offered her oral sex and then actual intercourse. She declined both. She says that she felt scared, like if she had gotten up abruptly and rejected him, that he would get angry and perhaps force her. That I believe. I reckon a woman needs to be very tactful in a time like that. So that's the story.
But then, many questions come to mind. And I asked her why she never told me that he was being provocative with her in the first place (I would have taken care of it), and why did she keep seeing him if he's like that. This girl is super smart, always the first to read people and what they are about. I simply can't buy that she couldn't with this guy, Lama or not. What was she thinking?
So, naturally with all this in mind, I form the opinion that she needs to be accountable for this. She says she was sexually assaulted. And right she was. But what was she doing going up their again to see him? She is also very upset with me because I’m not there comforting her after she was assaulted, but by my calculations she was lying to me about everything, and didn’t let me take care of her in the first place, or stay away from this creep! That is to say I would have stepped in and not let this man near her! She is feeling victimized, and the thing that scares me for her future safety is that she isn’t taking responsibility for her part in this. I just can’t validate her present behaviour.
If she had been walking late at night down a dark street and-God forbid-a man comes up and pulls her into the shadows and rapes her, she would be a victim and I would never leave her and be by her side the whole time and forever support her. But with what happened here, she knew this guy had ulterior motives. And hardly ulterior at that! He openly asked or implied her for sex constantly! My feeling is this is the time where she needs to decide whether to be a responsible adult, accountable for her actions, or continue being a child and pointing fingers. And I'm not sticking around for the latter. Love's not in question here. I want all of your honest opinions, questions, and remarks.
Blessings--
I don't think my situation went as far as hers did, but keep in mind, she's 17. A lot of 17 year olds aren't that assertive and what he did is very illegal because he was in a position of power as a mentor. She looked up to him and went along with what he said.
As I've made quite clear, I could quickly get over what happened, its not so much that, but rather its how she is handling the matter that disturbs me, or lack there of. So what then?
Thanks
Yes, you've made your thoughts very clear - that you were wronged by her and she is no longer, in your mind, the sweet, innocent thing you wish her to be. She was violated and you can only focus on her withholding information because of her fear of your reaction; because of her shame as to what she allowed to be done to her; because this man abused his power and used her for his needs. You are just what she needs, more blame; as if her self-blame isn't enough for you; as if her shame isn't enough; you are focusing on your needs, saying that "you" could quickly get over what happened. Well bully for you.
When she needs your support and unconditional acceptance, you are blaming her. After all, it was her fault what happened; she went back again didn't she? Yes, she did. But you aren't looking to understand what or why, just to sit and wallow in your own self-pity because she wasn't forthcoming with the truth to you.
With all due respect,
No, I don't want her to be the innocent girl she was. The contrary. I want her to come out strong with this. What she IS playing now is an innocent, naive girl, and what I want to see is the mature woman come out of this and say, "yes, I did that". I want her to own her part in this matter, instead of pointing fingers. Because that's what mature men and women do. You're putting words in my mouth and projecting things onto me which I never said nor how I feel. I'm not wallowing in my "self pity". I don't pity myself, or for her either. And I AM actually looking to understand why she kept going back to him. But I reckon she has to take responsibility for her part in this before she can begin to look at that clearly. My love for her is never conditional; but my acceptance is. And that requires maturity. But this really isn't about me. It's not about she needing to prove to me that she is worth my acceptance. I am not taking that stance. This is about her growth.
Your further comments are greatly appreciated.
With all due respect,
No, I don't want her to be the innocent girl she was. The contrary. I want her to come out strong with this. What she IS playing now is an innocent, naive girl, and what I want to see is the mature woman come out of this and say, "yes, I did that". I want her to own her part in this matter, instead of pointing fingers. Because that's what mature men and women do. You're putting words in my mouth and projecting things onto me which I never said nor how I feel. I'm not wallowing in my "self pity". I don't pity myself, or for her either. And I AM actually looking to understand why she kept going back to him. But I reckon she has to take responsibility for her part in this before she can begin to look at that clearly. My love for her is never conditional; but my acceptance is. And that requires maturity. But this really isn't about me. It's not about she needing to prove to me that she is worth my acceptance. I am not taking that stance. This is about her growth.
Your further comments are greatly appreciated.
Honestly, you are handling the whole situation poorly.
BUT, it IS a complicated situation.
The situation and how you are responding to it reflect that you need assistance on how to handle YOUR feeling on the matter. Are you wrong for feeling 'betrayed'? I guess not. But you are not the victim here, she was. You must put your feelings aside, and help her if she asks for it/wants to talk.
Don't take this the wrong way, but most 19 year olds will handle this poorly. You don't have the life experience or knowledge on how to handle this.
Frankly, regarding the bolded.... wow. You really have no idea on how to handle the situation.
Take a step back, and leave it alone.
Your expectations are way to high here. You really are in over your head.
Re-read the first couple pages (pages 1-2) of the OP here and think about it, for a day or two.
I truly don't mean to insult you, but these situations are extremely traumatic, and you seem to be the one who is 'hurt' here. In this situation, to hell with YOUR feelings. You need to forget about your feelings. This isn't about YOU.
So you think she should feel victimized? of course And that she shouldn't have known better? not really How would you handle this? seek a professional who specializes in these situations
Put your feelings aside.
Let her know you support her and if she wants to talk, you are there for her.
Don't press her about it. If she wants to talk about it, she will. If she doesn't, she won't.
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When naivete meets sexual assault- Help!
