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OK, I have to be honest with you. I DO find it rather odd and very sad that anyone of retirement age would base so momentous a decision as where to live on such a criterion. While I know that people to "hook-up" for dating, marriage and other purposes online, I don't think the Internet will ever be a yardstick with which to judge where you may or may not find like-minded people to "hang out" with (a term I usually associate with far younger generations) because they don't come all clumped together. They're scattered about the globe.
Were you to make a "Caladium's List" you would have to include virtually every municipality, town, village and hamlet on earth because people DO get together in all of them. But that is no guarantee that you will necessarily be included, feel welcome, fit in or even find them in the first place. It's all an if-come and great unknown until you're actually there. I've yet to see a government agency, chamber of commerce or any other such organization advertise anyplace as a great place to hang out. They speak of other attributes to attract people be they potential residents, businesses or tourists.
I honestly think you're setting yourself up for a fall and severely limiting your and your husband's ability to find a nice retirement location where you may THEN, over a period of time, make friends and hopefully have the social interaction you need to seem so much. I hope that in time you can do so.
For the record, Caladium, I have lived in nine states, dozens of cities and towns and three foreign countries. I have yet to have a problem find others with whom I wished to associate to the extent that I wished to.
Ditto on every point, above. How on earth can anyone tell via the Internet whether folks come out of their homes and hang out??? What information could possibly tell you that? There are no polls you could possibly take for this, for it's all subjective by age, interest, and personal background. I think our dear OP has watched too many episodes of Cheers (the bar where everyone knows your name). Depending upon one's history and reputation, you may not want everyone to "know your name"!
The best criterion one has to hanging out is proximity, but even out in the boondocks there are places to hang out (the old general store, diner, walking trails, etc). It's really a matter of how one goes about making connections.
If you'd like, you can consider the topic to be reviews of great senior centers around the country. Just consider this a comparison for the sake of conversation (and what I happen to do with this info can just be my business ) I'd love to hear about other ones besides the one in Charlottesville. Anyone else know of some good places?
Senior centers may or may not provide an answer. The ones I've been to, other than Charlottesville, even if newer in construction have this stuffy feeling that I personally cannot take. Bingo, crafts, typical lunch with people who act and sound their age. Of course I'm glad these places exist for seniors, but they're not a place where I'll be found hanging out, as least not until I'm 75 or 80.
I ruled out Charlottesville as a place to move because I was looking for a small town. The driving around Charlottesville was more like negotiating a city. But I have to say I, who am not easily impressed, was most impressed with the C-ville senior center, a huge building several stories. When I arrived with a friend, we walked in and were greeted by a female "host" smartly dressed, all smiles. We checked in at the desk in a lovely lobby and were guided into a beautiful office/waiting room area where another "host" asked all about us and went on and on about the city of C-ville and all there is to do for seniors. (Real genteel Southern hospitality, a shock to this New Englander who has walked into many a crumbling old building called senior centers and stumbled around in dark hallways looking for anyone at all to actually speak to.)
We were then given a tour. I felt like a pre-college kid getting a university tour. We were guided by lecture halls, art & photography rooms, meeting rooms where an investment club was taking place, a big room with a movie screen, exercise facility, etc.
Now part of me is the log cabin in the woods type, but I have to admit all this resonated with me. Why not have some of this kind of thing in old age?
So even as I ruled out C-ville, I continue to think about it and wonder if I might give it a try....if it's affordable. In that scenario would want a condo probably (nix the log cabin). I do know that the senior transport there is excellent. By the way, being a vibrant college town (U-VA) there's some fine downtown pubs to "hang out."
ETA: Although it's probably too far north for you, Maine has an amazing network of Senior colleges (some 15 or more in various locations) with some great programs indoors and out.
Last edited by RiverBird; 01-10-2012 at 07:15 AM..
Perhaps I just have not done a good enough job explaining what I'm seeking, or perhaps you simply do not relate.
I suspect it is the former. Some of us seem to believe you should be able to make friends to "hang out with" once you find a locale that it is appealing to you (baring settling on an isolated compound miles from others). For example, clubs, gyms, neighbors, senior centers, churches/synagogues, donut shops and classes seem to exist nearly everywhere. Perhaps you have experienced more than one location where you have found the people rebuffed your attempts to make friends? Would you mind trying a different explanation of what you are seeking that you feel you cannot find in certain places.
The best criterion one has to hanging out is proximity, but even out in the boondocks there are places to hang out (the old general store, diner, walking trails, etc). It's really a matter of how one goes about making connections.
OK, let's look at it from this angle. What advice would you give a person who has just moved to a new town and who is looking for a place to hang out? Where should he look? If the thing to do is hang out at a general store until someone feels like chatting, how do you know which store to choose?
Where I live the general advice is to either go to the senior center and join a few activities, or find a group on meetup.com. But, not every community has those things. Where else should out newcomers look?
Walking trails, for example, are wonderful things but how does that work as a place to hang out and meet friends? Do you just walk up and down the trail and assume that you'll start up conversations with the people hiking by? I've hiked on many trails and that's never been my experience--people hiking by just hike by--if you try to start up a conversation they may share a sentence or two and then move on. They will not be interested in a long chat or in hiking with you. Of course, if you're hiking something intense like the Appalachian Trail it might be a little chummier, especially if you're all sharing a sleeping spot along the trail, but we're no longer at that level of hiking. How would a retiree use a walking trail to make friends?
My advice is to stop looking to "hang out" - a term I still ascribe to teens and 20- to 30-somethings - and look for a place to live based upon its amenities as previously enumerated. After that's accomplished, find activities you enjoy alone and others you and your husband would enjoy doing together. That should naturally evolve into coming into contact with like-minded people with whom, over time, you will likely begin to socialize.
If your entire "happiness" and sense of well-being is dependent upon the proximity of and interaction with others as yet unknown and un-named then I fear there is something terribly lacking and horribly limiting. Perhaps exploring that possibility would stand you in good stead and eventually resolve itself. Then again, perhaps not!
I suspect it is the former. Some of us seem to believe you should be able to make friends to "hang out with" once you find a locale that it is appealing to you (baring settling on an isolated compound miles from others). For example, clubs, gyms, neighbors, senior centers, churches/synagogues, donut shops and classes seem to exist nearly everywhere. Perhaps you have experienced more than one location where you have found the people rebuffed your attempts to make friends? Would you mind trying a different explanation of what you are seeking that you feel you cannot find in certain places.
I'm not sure how to explain it better, but I'll try. Maybe the insularity I've experienced is the result of living in extremely fast-paced, busy metro areas. I love where I live right now, but it would be a lonely place to retire (I'd think) unless you had family in the area.
My experience in joining churches, gyms, and volunteer activities here is that people will be very friendly but have no interest in chatting and no interest in going out for coffee afterwards or coming over to your house to watch the game or anything like that. We're all so busy busy busy. They go to church/gym/etc. to complete a certain activity, then go to their next activity. It's all very achievement oriented and I'm sick of achievement. I just want to find some people who want to hang out.
Maybe this explains it: I still send Christmas cards to people I knew years ago in Manhattan Beach, Clemson, and Asheville. Even if they were just superficial friends, I enjoyed their company and felt like I knew them well enough to exchange holiday greetings. Here in northern VA there are people I see every single day at my gym, yet never gotten to know them well enough to send a card. When we move, basically nobody at my gym will even know I'm gone. We're all so focused on our workouts, and when it's done it's time to rush off to the next activity--nobody is interested in conversation.
Don't get me wrong, I love living here at this stage in my life. But this level of insularity isn't acceptable for the next stage in my life. And, I do know that there are some towns where people aren't quite as insular (or maybe it's just choosing the right place to go in those towns).
Anyway, when we started our retirement planning, I didn't think this would be a big deal. I thought it was mostly a matter of moving to a smaller, less busy town. But as I researched specific cities and visited them, I've discover this insularity in a lot of places I didn't expect to see it.
Fast forward to what inspired this thread. We became interested in St. Augustine--and still may decide to move there--but over Christmas I met some people who have lived there, and they told us it may be just as insular as northern VA. And when I looked into it, I couldn't find any newcomer clubs or senior centers or internet suggestions of places where seniors go. I called the Chamber of Commerce and they had no suggestions. I posted question on the cd forum, and nobody there seemed to have suggestions. Now I'm getting cold feet about this town.
I mean, damn! I will put up with hurricanes, mosquitoes, doctors who won't take new medicare patients, and even high insurance rates. I'll even putup with the unnerving news that USAA won't insure my house there and I'll have to find a new company. But I'll be damned if I move to a place where I can't make new friends--even just superficial ones. I don't want to sit alone day after day, barely even knowing my neighbors because everyone I say hello to wants to be alone in their house. Been there, done that, want something completely different in retirement. I want places to go to play cards or do whatever it is that people do. I refuse to believe that places like that don't exist, because other cities I've lived in had them--I just don't know how to find them now that I'm look for them. I dunno, maybe the answer is one of those 55+ active retirement communities. I had been avoiding them, but if we can find one fairly near a major airport and a beach, maybe that's what we need.
If the problem is me that's cool. I'm happy to change my approach but I don't know what to do differently. If the solution isn't to find a place where people hang out, then I'd love to hear some specific advice about how to make those connections.
What I will not accept is a retirement where I mostly do things alone or just with my husband. Complicating this a bit, we can't retire in place. In other words, we need to move to a new town where we won't know anyone. I'm open to suggestion on how to remedy this situation but I've already done a lot of the basic steps in my current town (going to a gym every day, church, volunteer groups, book clubs, toastmasters) and had no luck, so I'm looking for something different to do in my next town that might work a little better. Or, suggestions of towns where I might meet more people interested in the same thing. Or, suggestions of specific places to go in my new town.
Thanks for your suggestions--sorry I worte a book, and sorry if I sound frustrated but this shouldn't be so hard. Surely we aren't that unusual.
When you were working you probably had time for activities you could do on weekends. When you are retired, you'll have time to belong to clubs/organizations related to those activities. For example: If you like to read, join a book discussion group or two. If you like to fish, join a fishing club. If you like to do crafts, find out where you can take related classes at a craft store or a college. If you like to do photography, join some photography clubs. If you like to garden, join a garden club. If you like to bowl, join a bowling league. You might want to ask them if they socialize beyond meetings/activities. For example, my book discussion group goes out to lunch after we meet. Fishing clubs may have barbecues/picnics/dinners/parties. You can do the activity solo but you still get to talk about it with others who like to do the same things you do.
My friends belong to the Sons of Italy and they have social events and trips. They also belong to sports booster clubs and they have many social activities.
...Fast forward to what inspired this thread. We became interested in St. Augustine--and still may decide to move there--but over Christmas I met some people who have lived there, and they told us it may be just as insular as northern VA. And when I looked into it, I couldn't find any newcomer clubs or senior centers or internet suggestions of places where seniors go. I called the Chamber of Commerce and they had no suggestions. I posted question on the cd forum, and nobody there seemed to have suggestions. Now I'm getting cold feet about this town.
I mean, damn! I will put up with hurricanes, mosquitoes, doctors who won't take new medicare patients, and even high insurance rates. I'll even putup with the unnerving news that USAA won't insure my house there and I'll have to find a new company. But I'll be damned if I move to a place where I can't make new friends--even just superficial ones. I don't want to sit alone day after day, barely even knowing my neighbors because everyone I say hello to wants to be alone in their house. Been there, done that, want something completely different in retirement. I want places to go to play cards or do whatever it is that people do. I refuse to believe that places like that don't exist, because other cities had them--I just don't know how to find them. I dunno, maybe the answer is one of those 55+ active retirement communities. I had been avoiding them, but if we can find one fairly near a major airport and a beach, maybe that's what we need...
If the problem is me that's cool. I'm happy to change my approach but I don't know what to do differently. If the solution isn't to find a place where people hang out, then I'd love to hear some specific advice about how to make those connections...
Most of the people who are active on the CD JAX (St. Augustine) forum are young. I am one of the oldest - if not the oldest - and I'm 64 (not even 65 and a real "senior" yet). The last person my husband and I met in person from the JAX forum was about 22 (he is a recent college graduate). And - although we have a senior center here in PVB (as well as a "cultural center" - numerous churches - a synagogue - etc.) I have never been to any of them. I don't go to places to "hang out" - I go to places to do things. Two places that come to mind where people I know here "hang out" and socialize are the VFW and the Y. We have a "newcomer's club" in our HOA (it's a big HOA - over 1100 houses). It didn't exist when we first moved here - so I don't know what it's like.
I agree with the poster who said it is very difficult or impossible to get a feel for the kind of thing you're looking for without actually living in a place for a while. Because there are a whole lot of people like me who aren't interested in finding what you're looking for (and the people who are like you probably aren't spending a whole lot of time on chat boards - they're at the senior center ). Robyn
LOL Yes, you're right--the people who would know these things are all out doing them. And I know that you guys are right that this isn't an easy thing to learn before moving to a place.
And yet... I have to do what I can to make sure this next move is the right place for us. If we choose a place that we hate, we won't be able to afford to move again. Frustrating, yes. Unnerving? A bit.
Fortunately we're able to make some scouting trips. I'll check out those places you suggested and see if they look interesting. Ad report back, for anyone else who's seeking the same thing. Thanks for the suggestions.
If the problem is me that's cool. I'm happy to change my approach but I don't know what to do differently. If the solution isn't to find a place where people hang out, then I'd love to hear some specific advice about how to make those connections.
1. Have you asked anyone from work, gym, etc. to have a coffee with you? Ask one person, then another, then another. To one of them some day say: I also have coffee with another friend, who would probably love to get together with both of us...do you mind if I ask her along some time? One leads to two leads to three and voila! You have a coffee group and a hangout. From that you may go to the movies or other event together. Kind of like what you did in high school and college.
2. I still absolutely fail to make a connection between a place and the ability to find friends to hang out with. It's not like each city or town has a sign as you enter, saying "this is not a good hangout place, try somewhere else" or "we promise great get-togethers, please buy a place and stay!"
I'm not a super social person but everywhere I've lived allowed me some opportunity, which I created for myself, to hang out with people on a regular basis. I'm surprised you'd ignore so many other things about a location if only it promised this one thing. How could that be possible?? Even if you lived at the North Pole you could ask someone from the next igloo to join you for hot chocolate. It's not about which place you will meet new friends, it's about which place fits all your other needs and where you're determined to meet new friends.
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) I'd love to hear about other ones besides the one in Charlottesville. Anyone else know of some good places?
). Robyn
