Well I'm feeling slightly better today,in love with rich maroons,antiquated Celtic books,dark woodsy rooms,I can feel it only just as I did.Still bent on England.Id really like to be a Russian Doll blended with a haughty Edwardian English gal.I suppose I am.I read on past lives this morning and was contemplating my own Russian past life as a ballet dancer that I remember.I don't think it's good to delve into past lives as it can start to disrupt or meddle with this life, but some people find great...

Well thank god for my journaling,it's been a hard few days and my sleep as ever is impossible and I pretty much feel like a constant wreck.I became suicidal again, I guess because I can't find a way to overcome this brain injury and how I feel it limits my happiness now,and because I'm just so tired, I feel like the living dead.I have real life stresses too that I just can't manage with everything else.I long for a little lingering hope,even a slither of light.Most of all I'm longing for support,maybe...

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
― W.B. Yeats

Well I read all sorts of poetry yesterday afternoon and all this morn,from the hopeless to the heavy.Oh damn if I didn't want to be a poet after reading it all,to strike the best words in the best order.But nothing comes much to me,my memory is so shoddy and worse...

I've been dreaming of red (my red headed soulmate) at long last,last nights dream was particularly powerful,though I like to keep it secret and sacred.I wanted to stay up and research it but went to sleep.This morning I felt very dead,very numb and without feeling,and truly drag myself out of bed now I am that world weary.I feel so depleted by life but these dreams of red especially lasts nights are a confirmation of magic and meaning still in my realm.It felt very spiritual and like I was reaching...

I watched alot of clips of the film -The Danish girl, I loved the costumes so much,the palette of colours,deep maroon and other velvets and bohemian artist quarters,oh gosh I love velvet and beads,it really lit me up at this time that I'm missing being a bohemian(I suppose I still am).It made me long to be a portrait painter again,I use to paint often and adore portraits mostly in a bloomsbury style,I did some even of myself and I missed it mournfully watching this.So much of me is buried.Of course...