In the parlance of road trips, there are beautiful swans and there are eyesores. On my recent near-epic trip to Oklahoma, I couldn't help but wince at the sight of the Red River.

That rascal is never filled with water.

All I keep seeing are little bitty puddles of water amidst a big trail of mud. It might as well be called The Red Mud Pile. Never in the history of ever have I seen the Red River completely filled up. At least, I don't...