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It is unfortunate how adoptees can experience so much hostility in the world when we dare to speak out about the negative aspects of adoption. Most people will say they agree adoption is not perfect & that it is in need of reform, but there are so many who treat us as a threat when we actually go into detail about these issues, what contributes to them, or begin to share our personal experiences of adoption.
It seems a lot of people still feel shame in admitting that we are different from non-adoptive families, or that adoptees are not allowed to grieve for their lost families & lost cultures past infancy or childhood without being seen as a problem. Not only is that ridiculous considering how the brain functions & develops, but it does not foster a societal environment for young adoptees to be honest about their feelings without fear of being judged harshly.
So I thought this place could use a thread where you could share some of those experiences with these problems, since the adoptee voice seems to be overshadowed or stamped out all together in most adoption spaces.
I think that this is a great idea! And a wonderful idea for a post.
My daughter was the victum of such discrimination several times in her life. As an Asian girl, Asians who are being raised by their Asian parents, are often wary of her.
They have called her "round eyes" because she does not know Korean and isn;t very interested in learning it at this point.
Whenever we go someplace, people can instantly see that I am a white woman and she is an Asian teenager. We get looks from both the Asian Korean community and the white commodity.
Two older teenaged girls of Korean heritage showed an interest in my daughter once. I was happy because I thought that these attractive young women could be positive role models while teaching her about her culture of origin.
All went well for a time and I was looking forward to them having a good relationship with their "little sister" (she was nine at the time)
THEN abruptly they dropped her! I called and attempted to make contact but they were evasive. Friendly but the feeling was rather cold.
I did some research and found that Koreans very much look down upon adoptees, thinking that they night be lower class who have mixed heritage.
She was devastated by this.
So, as a mom I can certainly empathize with your plight.
When I was married, we attended a dinner party. One of the guests, upon hearing that I was an adoptee and in a support group, yelled at me that I encourage adoptees to "knock on doors, barge into their secret mother's life, make a scene, and cause heartache." and "How dare you?!"
I was completely stunned. Of course I don't advocate knocking on doors and frightening people. I ran into another room, crying. The woman came in and yelled some more, saying that her elderly mother was bombarded by an adoptee who showed up at the front door, and her father had no idea that she had another daughter. I stood there, shaking at the attack. I said that I am not responsible for another woman's inappropriate handing of making contact with an elderly mother who never told her husband and subsequent children.
It became my fault because our local support group at the time was on the radio and in the paper.
Somehow, we resumed dinner.
I've been divorced for many years. Men I meet are either adoptive fathers, or even disclose that they are sperm donors, or are completely opposed to "what I'm doing". One man was so angry with me for being an adoptee activist that he gave me a disgusted look and said, "You should really be grateful..."
One man I had dinner with talked about the problems his young adult adopted daughter had. I told him that she needs to read about adoption, that she may need counseling, that her adoption is contributing to her troubled life. He actually had tears in his eyes. He really wanted it all to go away.
Then he, being a business man, decided to ask me, in sort-of interview style, "So, tell me about your birthmother".
I said, "Well, my mother died when I was three months old. I don't consider her to be 'my birth mother', she was my mother. There was never any intention of giving me up for adoption. Her death led to that..."
My dinner date's expression turned to wide-eyed shock.
So then I asked him, "So, tell me about your daughter's mother."
He said, "I can't. We don't know..."
Exactly. We finished dinner in silence. I was willing to give him another chance since he was asking questions, but he couldn't handle the depth of my pain, so I didn't hear from him after that.
Just two weeks ago, I met the older brother of a friend. I congratulated him on being a successful editor of a progressive newspaper. He then asked me what I do. I told him.
He then said, "My adopted son doesn't need his sealed birth certificate. We are ALL related anyway. You know, the HUMAN race! What does he need that other document for, anyway? I'm the one who loves him."
On, nice going. He smashes my life and efforts for social justice. And he's the editor of a PROGRESSIVE newspaper.
Uggh. I have so many of these stories.
(I hope this reads better. If not, I'll be back later to try again. Have to leave now)
Last edited by kaykee; 09-13-2012 at 07:58 AM..
Reason: trying to strip previous formatting
Kaykee, it's really hard to read your posts. If you are copying and pasting from Word, you can strip the formatting out with the button that looks like an A crossed out.
Sorry about that. Shall I delete my posts and try again? I didn't know about that "stripping the formatting" --- I'm sorry.
Sorry about that. Shall I delete my posts and try again? I didn't know about that "stripping the formatting" --- I'm sorry.
When I posted that, I didn't realize they came from another site. Long quotes have to be shortened and linked to, not quoted verbatim, sorry. But this is a good topic.
And then there were the boyfriends. When I was 21 in 1977, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. When I shook his father’s hand, he said, “So, Joe tells me you are adopted. I can tell you right now that you are not fit to marry my son. You come from bad blood. We don’t want any of that in our family. After all, you’ll turn out to be just like your mother! Birds of a feather flock together.”
Really now? I had been dating his son for two years in college. We were talking about getting married. If I was going to turn out to be something he didn’t want his son to marry, then what did he think of his son? Again, not only was the stigma of illegitimacy there, the message that was heard was “you’re adopted” and then the assumption was that I was illegitimate. The truth of my conception and birth and reunion did not matter. What mattered was the assumption that I was tainted and inferior to someone who was born to married parents. People kept missing the part in my story in which I said my parents were married and was born legitimately.
And that makes me feel as though I am offending my adoptee comrades when I point this out. I also feel I am insulting my friends who are mothers (and fathers) who lost their children to adoption.
Another boyfriend, now this was in 2006, he was 59 and I was 48, upon learning that I was adopted, he said, “No one has two sets of parents! That’s ridiculous! And you say your father gave you away? No real man would do such a thing!”
A few weeks later, he said, “What’s a 14 year old doing, getting herself pregnant!”
A few weeks after that, he said, “What do you mean you are against sperm donation? I know two couples who used donor sperm to have their kids. The REAL parents are the ones who raise the kid!”
This is what he said to me when he broke up with me: “Why can’t you be a scientist? You write about families. I write about science. How many adoptees are there anyway? 2% of the population? That’s not enough to worry about! I don’t understand your life and I never will!”
Shall I tell you that this man was lead engineer of a team of 16 who designed engines for rockets that keep satellites in orbit? Oh, the Mars project that landed recently, you guessed it, he was in on the rocket engine designs as the project began ten years ago. So, even a man with a PhD in physics cannot understand adoption.
Yet, me as an adopted person, a reunited adopted person, an adoption activist, is subjected to these and other comments on a daily basis.
"Oh, you just had a bad experience" is another one. Tell me, please, just what exactly is a "good experience" when public perception of adoptees is biased and uninformed as to the true nature of adoption?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaykee
These are a few of the comments said to me over the past decades from social workers, as well as textbook coverage, or lack of textbook coverage, and my observations:
* “You’re going to an adoption conference? Adoption records are sealed! You can’t have them!” 1980
- A scolding from a staff social worker in a group home. The adoption conference was for my understanding of myself, not for work. However, I had been working as a youth aide and had recently gained the trust of a 16-year-old boy. He robbed a woman after he found out the father who raised him was not his father named on his birth certificate. Social Work focuses on the criminal act itself and behavior modification. The underlying problem—deception by parents—is not addressed, nor is it being corrected.
* “Infertility clinics destroy all records on sperm donors within five years.” 1985
- Statement made by a social worker employed at an infertility clinic. She said that destroying records protects the sperm donor and recipient parents. The needs of the donor-conceived are ignored. Not only are they cut off from any normal relationships with their father and his relatives, but donor-conceived people are intentionally denied knowledge of medical family history.
* “You suffer from genealogical bewilderment. This is just a human-interest story.” 1990
- Said to me by a long-time friend after he read the short-story autobiography I wrote. This friend happened to be the Dean of Social Work of a predominant university. The article he dismissed was published six months later in a British Social Work Journal and one year after that in a Dutch anthology of adoption articles. Even a Dean can parrot back textbook terminology without having true awareness of the complex problems created by adoption.
* “After you get your birthmother to talk with you, never, ever, ever talk about the father! Talk about the pool, the house in the suburbs, the education you can provide, but never talk about your baby’s father!” 1993
- What a private adoption attorney said at her workshop, “Advertising to Adopt.” She now works at an open-adoption agency with social workers who don’t bat an eyelash when they sell the idea of adoption to vulnerable pregnant girls and women by talking them into giving their babies over to un-enforceable, non-binding, open-adoptions with sealed and falsified birth records. To clinch the deal—to get the baby—the women in authority (social workers and this attorney) must appear to be trustworthy. They must be persuasive. A pregnant woman is not the pre-adoptive parents’ birthmother, nor is she pregnant with the pre-adoptive parents’ baby. She is pregnant with her own baby. A pregnant woman does not become a "birthmother" until her baby is given up for adoption.
* Observation on Social Work Textbooks, 1995-1999:
There was not one single paragraph on adoptees, or parents who lose their children to adoption, in any social work textbook used for the Bachelor program that I completed. Several pages were devoted to infertility clinics and adoption agencies for services provided to infertile people and adopting parents. The effects of poverty, mental health issues, cultural differences, interpersonal relationships, how to be a front line social worker or a program developer were main topics of study.
- What was overlooked was the point that poverty, lack of choices, and lack of support leads parents to either choosing relinquishment on their own because this is what they have heard in society, or they were coerced into relinquishing their children to adoption. (Coercion of poverty-stricken and frightened pregnant women to give up their babies still goes on today). Coursework stressed the ‘needs’ of pre-adoptive parents, the ‘needs’ of the infertile, and the ‘needs’ of non-infertile people who want a child without the hassle of including the other genetic parent in the life of the child. The needs of the donor-conceived, traditional adoptees, and natural parents have been conveniently overlooked by the helping professions of Social Work, Psychiatry, and Psychology. There is also the unspoken problem created by the infertility industry that encourages payment for gametes—selling gametes is tantamount to selling children.Giving away gametes without thinking of the consequences for the offspring created is tantamount to child abandonment.
* “You want to deprive me of my self-determination. If I want an anonymous sperm donor so that I can have a baby, that’s my choice!” 1997
- What a social work student said to me in class when I pointed out the rights of the donor-conceived to self-determination are violated by anonymous gamete donation.
* “The children were removed due to abuse and their parents’ rights will be terminated. The children will be freed for adoption, the sooner, the better.” 1997
- Freeing children fills quotas for adoption agencies without acknowledging the detrimental effects of separation trauma on parents and their children.
* “This is a very thoughtful and sophisticated paper. It is well researched and well written. You have a great deal of knowledge about this. Your paper was interesting and thought provoking and opens up new awareness for social work intervention.” 1997
- Professor’s notes on my paper, The Individual’s Right to Procreate vs. The Unexplored Long-Term Consequences of Reproductive Technologies. Interventive Methods I, 1997
Though the professor’s comments were encouraging, I’m afraid not much has changed.
When I was married, we attended a dinner party. One of the guests, upon hearing that I was an adoptee and in a support group, yelled at me that I encourage adoptees to "knock on doors, barge into their secret mother's life, make a scene, and cause heartache." and "How dare you?!"
I was completely stunned. Of course I don't advocate knocking on doors and frightening people. I ran into another room, crying. The woman came in and yelled some more, saying that her elderly mother was bombarded by an adoptee who showed up at the front door, and her father had no idea that she had another daughter. I stood there, shaking at the attack. I said that I am not responsible for another woman's inappropriate handing of making contact with an elderly mother who never told her husband and subsequent children.
It became my fault because our local support group at the time was on the radio and in the paper.
Somehow, we resumed dinner.
I've been divorced for many years. Men I meet are either adoptive fathers, or even disclose that they are sperm donors, or are completely opposed to "what I'm doing". One man was so angry with me for being an adoptee activist that he gave me a disgusted look and said, "You should really be grateful..."
One man I had dinner with talked about the problems his young adult adopted daughter had. I told him that she needs to read about adoption, that she may need counseling, that her adoption is contributing to her troubled life. He actually had tears in his eyes. He really wanted it all to go away.
Then he, being a business man, decided to ask me, in sort-of interview style, "So, tell me about your birthmother".
I said, "Well, my mother died when I was three months old. I don't consider her to be 'my birth mother', she was my mother. There was never any intention of giving me up for adoption. Her death led to that..."
My dinner date's expression turned to wide-eyed shock.
So then I asked him, "So, tell me about your daughter's mother."
He said, "I can't. We don't know..."
Exactly. We finished dinner in silence. I was willing to give him another chance since he was asking questions, but he couldn't handle the depth of my pain, so I didn't hear from him after that.
Just two weeks ago, I met the older brother of a friend. I congratulated him on being a successful editor of a progressive newspaper. He then asked me what I do. I told him.
He then said, "My adopted son doesn't need his sealed birth certificate. We are ALL related anyway. You know, the HUMAN race! What does he need that other document for, anyway? I'm the one who loves him."
On, nice going. He smashes my life and efforts for social justice. And he's the editor of a PROGRESSIVE newspaper.
Uggh. I have so many of these stories.
I used the "Find" feature to find all the instances of "[FONT = Calibri]" (in some cases "[FONT = Times New Roman]"), "[ / FONT]", "[SIZE=3]", and "[ / SIZE]" and replaced it with "" (in other words nothing). That systematically deletes all the formatting. (I put spaces where there should be none in this post so that the formatting code would display instead of working.)
I think that this is a great idea! And a wonderful idea for a post.
My daughter was the victum of such discrimination several times in her life. As an Asian girl, Asians who are being raised by their Asian parents, are often wary of her.
They have called her "round eyes" because she does not know Korean and isn;t very interested in learning it at this point.
Whenever we go someplace, people can instantly see that I am a white woman and she is an Asian teenager. We get looks from both the Asian Korean community and the white commodity.
Two older teenaged girls of Korean heritage showed an interest in my daughter once. I was happy because I thought that these attractive young women could be positive role models while teaching her about her culture of origin.
All went well for a time and I was looking forward to them having a good relationship with their "little sister" (she was nine at the time)
THEN abruptly they dropped her! I called and attempted to make contact but they were evasive. Friendly but the feeling was rather cold.
I did some research and found that Koreans very much look down upon adoptees, thinking that they night be lower class who have mixed heritage.
She was devastated by this.
So, as a mom I can certainly empathize with your plight.
This is so hard to experience as a parent. While I cannot relate (as my children were born to me) I can relate in terms of one of my children had a medical condition that set her apart from other children. She, too, was shunned. Now, as a young adult, her new friends are more accepting of her.
I hope this happens for your daughter, too, as she grows older. Perhaps as an adult, there may be more acceptance as adult themes enter in life: job, responsiblities. Commonalities. I really don't know as I am white.
Thank you for your observations and empathy, for this in this post, and for your private message.
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Want me to delete the reformatted posts?
