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We have a difference in opinion. Neurologists are on my side. The pre-frontal cortex in not fully developed until age 25. Google it.
That's the part of the brain that regulates those things.
Interesting that you acknowledge this for teen moms but not for adoptees. No, you expect them to resolve their adoption experiences as an adult would within what was it -- five years?
You can complain about your sister being crazy & feeling like an orphan all you want, but when you do so as a means to compare her grief to adoptees grief -- to say that any adoptees who have concerns about the adoption industry or their biological families in adulthood are not well-adjusted, at peace with their life, mature, or they need a diagnoses -- that view is not only ignorant, but borderline bigotry for anyone who did not have the opportunity to grieve until adulthood.
You need to educate yourself on the adoptee experience before you can claim what is "normal" for us.
A child is not capable of grieving the same way a teen can. A teen is not capable of grieving the same way an adult can.
Grieving for a family you lost in infancy/childhood is much more complicated than grieving for a parent that raised you.
How you understand adoption as a child is not how you will understand adoption as an adult. New perspectives & understanding could cause you to grieve in unexpected ways later in life.
This is NORMAL for adoptees & if it is not healthy to wait until adulthood to grieve loss, why is it that so many of us do? Here's a hint: lack of information, no contact with biofamily -- both closed domestic/international adoption.
Last edited by thethreefoldme; 09-27-2012 at 07:01 AM..
And your feeling are valid, I honor them. Do not second guess yourself. You are mature, spiritual and intuitive. And gifted in ways that others are not. All things happen for a reason. Remember this. Pravda!
You are at peace. Some people are not. Remain in light Kresiva doshiska. Remain in light.
Quote:
Originally Posted by susankate
Nim also comes across to me as mature spirital and intuitive - see we can agree, Sheena
Nim also strikes me as a very complex and thoughtful human being as well.
One thing I'll say in regards to this though:
Sure I'd like to maybe meet my biological mother once, but I don't feel the need like some adoptees to stay in touch and be facebook friends and send biannual photos or whatever.
is that often one doesn't decide how one feels about future communication until after contact. If my bfamily had said "get lost" or been unpleasant individuals, I would have quite happily have had nothing to do with them. However, as lovely individuals, knowing them enriches my life - just like other people I know whom are lovely individuals enrich my life. I am not going to say to my rellies - "you are lovely individuals but BECAUSE you are my relatives I don't want contact" - I think that would be a bit weird. So I do have continued contact, eg FB friends purely because I LIKE them - nothing more, nothing less. If I didn't like them, I wouldn't have contact.
Disclaimer: Please note that the point of the above is not me saying that everyone should be in contact with biological families. The point of it is just to say that one can't always know what one is going to do until one is in the position to do it. I have always felt that reunion is something that should never be undertaken unless you are prepared for whatever it throws at you.
Thanks for the compliments. I am blushing so badly right now!
I really understand both of your perspectives and don't think that either of you is more right than the other. I think everyone so far, including thethreefoldme and Marymarym and kaykee, has had a lot of insight on this thread but that we all just have different insights, because we have different personalities and notice different things.
Honestly I am not sure if my birth parents are even still alive or not. Part of me doesn't want to get my hopes up only to find that one or both are no longer alive.
Speaking of spirituality, I believe in the other side and multiple lives and sense that if I don't meet my birth mother in this life, then I will at some point, and I will eventually know everything there is to know about the why's.
A deep part of me senses that I was in a life-threatening abusive situation because my birth mother was, so that I could have empathy and compassion for her. I don't know if it's accurate or not but it's a very, very strong feeling I get. Even if it's not true in the specific way I'm imagining, that experience (including my ex threatening to have a baby without my consent) definitely gave me a new perspective on my birth mother's situation.
I think we can't ever know how we will feel five years or ten years down the road. We're all constantly evolving. So when we say this is how we will feel about it or that's how we will feel about it, we're really saying we feel now that that is how we will feel about it. Not that that is any less valid, but it just is what it is.
I can't imagine myself wanting to keep in contact with my bio mom if I were to meet her, but like all things in life, that may change. I also never imagined myself learning sign language and here I am studying to become a sign language interpreter, so you have an excellent point, Susan.
Hi everybody. Please remember that this topic of this thread is domestic vs. international adoption (differences, reasons for choosing one over the other, etc.).
We don't have constant updates - it was a one time thing, but we are glad that she is happy and settled.
Would you personally be happy if you knew this much? I am really curious. What would YOU like?
What I'd like - and it may be very little but it's something - would be for you to at least know the conditions of your birth and your cultural background. In the US at least that's a big thing. I also think that you should know about inherited illnesses.
What else would you like? My daughter knows nothing about illnesses in her family. She is purely Korean and there are certain illnesses that are typical for Aisian and White Northern European women, which would be us both - such as osteoporosis.
We don't have constant updates - it was a one time thing, but we are glad that she is happy and settled.
That's good to hear. That sounds very caring of her that she contacted the agency after all that time. She may also like to know that her daughter is happy and settled too.
Would you personally be happy if you knew this much? I am really curious. What would YOU like?
What I would be happy with is to be allowed to know as little or as much as I like. I would not want doors so firmly closed that I could know nothing. I am fortunate that by the age of 23, there was the possibility of knowing more (that is when records were unsealed in NZ). If I were a young adoptee today, I would also like my aparents, separate to me, to educate themselves on all aspects of my particular situation or, if little is known, about the more general aspects of how or why things might be as they are, so that they were able to answer any questions with as much knowledge as possible.
What I'd like - and it may be very little but it's something - would be for you to at least know the conditions of your birth and your cultural background. In the US at least that's a big thing. I also think that you should know about inherited illnesses.
Having met my bfamily, I wouldn't settle for being allowed to having anything less, if that is what we all wished. So I don't think anyone should be deprived from at least having the opportunity to be able to so (note that I am not saying that anyone should be forcing themselves on anyone who doesn't wish to hear from them (and that is what vetos are for in unsealed adoption record states/countries)).
What else would you like? My daughter knows nothing about illnesses in her family. She is purely Korean and there are certain illnesses that are typical for Aisian and White Northern European women, which would be us both - such as osteoporosis.
When I did google my bmom's name and found she had died before she reached 40, I knew that it was important to know why. I discovered that she had had a heart attack and have also learned that my grandmother and a few of her brothers also died from heart attacks (late 60s/70s), a few uncles have pacemakers and a cousin of my bmom died at 38 (a year younger than she did). So knowing that means that heart disease is something in particular I have to watch out for.
I did also want a relationship with them but I would have accepted it if they had said "get lost". Luckily, though, they didn't and I am glad for that. Also, my coming into their lives may have helped them understand a couple of things about their sister - quite a few relatives have said that they now understand why she seemed so sad (OK, I realise that perhaps her sadness had nothing to do with me but then again maybe it did, who knows)
We don't have constant updates - it was a one time thing, but we are glad that she is happy and settled.
That's good to hear. That sounds very caring of her that she contacted the agency after all that time. She may also like to know that her daughter is happy and settled too.
Would you personally be happy if you knew this much? I am really curious. What would YOU like?
What I would be happy with is to be allowed to know as little or as much as I like. I would not want doors so firmly closed that I could know nothing. I am fortunate that by the age of 23, there was the possibility of knowing more (that is when records were unsealed in NZ). If I were a young adoptee today, I would also like my aparents, separate to me, to educate themselves on all aspects of my particular situation or, if little is known, about the more general aspects of how or why things might be as they are, so that they were able to answer any questions with as much knowledge as possible.
What I'd like - and it may be very little but it's something - would be for you to at least know the conditions of your birth and your cultural background. In the US at least that's a big thing. I also think that you should know about inherited illnesses.
Having met my bfamily, I wouldn't settle for being allowed to having anything less, if that is what we all wished. So I don't think anyone should be deprived from at least having the opportunity to be able to so (note that I am not saying that anyone should be forcing themselves on anyone who doesn't wish to hear from them (and that is what vetos are for in unsealed adoption record states/countries)).
What else would you like? My daughter knows nothing about illnesses in her family. She is purely Korean and there are certain illnesses that are typical for Aisian and White Northern European women, which would be us both - such as osteoporosis.
When I did google my bmom's name and found she had died before she reached 40, I knew that it was important to know why. I discovered that she had had a heart attack and have also learned that my grandmother and a few of her brothers also died from heart attacks (late 60s/70s), a few uncles have pacemakers and a cousin of my bmom died at 38 (a year younger than she did). So knowing that means that heart disease is something in particular I have to watch out for.
I did also want a relationship with them but I would have accepted it if they had said "get lost". Luckily, though, they didn't and I am glad for that. Also, my coming into their lives may have helped them understand a couple of things about their sister - quite a few relatives have said that they now understand why she seemed so sad (OK, I realise that perhaps her sadness had nothing to do with me but then again maybe it did, who knows)
I'll be honest. It was a casual comment from the adoption agency. It was happy but I never asked. I told my daughter and she said "good".
I am glad you weren't told to "get lost" and that your presence had a healing effect.
Information such as this about health should be available with out having to google it. My husband is a P.I. and is occasionally contacted by adoptees in search of their birth parents.
Sometimes the results are positive and at other time they aren't. He does this free of charge.
Boy, what a complicated thread. I was considering responding to a few specific posts that turned my stomach but I won't and will try to stay on topic. From our standpoint, adopting has been a gift--it allowed us to fulfill our dream of having kids and it allowed us to give a couple of great kids a chance at something better. Quite frankly, I'm relieved that we didn't have our biological children because of some heavy duty genetic baggage on our parts. Adoption was one of the best things that we've done in our lives and we would do it again.
I think the decision to adopt internationally versus domestically is very complex and really a matter of personal choice. My spouse and I choose the international route and were very flexible about the ages/sex of the kids we wanted to adopt. I will be honest and say that it has been a rough path for my daughter but we had some indications of this going into the adoption. She was a bit older and was aging out of the baby house. A couple Russian families had the chance to adopt her but declined. Mother in prison and no contract from relatives for almost 4 years. We have been tackling her problems head on for many years now and hopefully with medications, therapy and intense intervention from the professionals, she will go on to have a successful and independent life. She has made tremendous progress and my fingers are crossed. I know in my heart that had we not adopted her and had she stayed in Russia, her future would have been bleak. My son fortunately has done much better but faced some medical issues that had to be corrected in the US. He had lifesaving surgury after being here two weeks and that was pretty darned traumatic. Had this little guy not been up for adoption, not sure if he would still be around. In our case, I feel blessed that we were able to adopt. We also worked with an accredited agency and everything was above board. The hoops we had to jump through to bring the kids home were pretty intense.
Linmora, thank you for sharing your experience - I wish you and your children the best - and it sounds as if your children are now receiving "the best"!
Katie Musser's mother has just posted an account of Katie's adoption from the Pleven Orphanage in Bulgaria on her blog. Katie, who has Down syndrome, was the first child to be adopted from the now notorious top floor of Pleven, and her rescue from that place broke down the floodgates and led to discovery of the sheer evil which pervaded that place, and to addressing that evil and all that contributed to it, as well as to assuaging the terrible results of that evil.
Katie was almost ten when she came home, and weighed eleven pounds, due to severe neglect and starvation. She is a beautiful little girl who is thriving now. She weighs thirty pounds and is growing at last, but still has a very long road ahead of her. Thankfully, she now is blessed with a remarkable family who is walking every step of that road with her.
I hope everyone who has an interest in or questions or doubts about adopting children from Eastern Europe - especially children with special needs - will read Katie's story.
Thanks for letting me semi-hijack your post, Linmora.
Last edited by JustJulia; 10-02-2012 at 01:22 PM..
Reason: had to check something, reposted link
Thanks for letting me semi-hijack your post, Linmora.
No worries Craig!! That was an amazing link you posted. My heart cries for these children. I would like to add one more point. Even though some kids are more obviously special needs with Down's Syndrome and other disabilities, many kids in the regular orphanages have hidden disabilities that may not be readily apparent to the adoptive parent. We are pretty sure that our daughter had alcohol/drug exposure. We saw quite a few kids with FAS. Being in an institution and who knows what her genetic disposition is, she is quite the enigma to everyone and some of the more serious problems didn't crop up until puberty. Some her diagnoses were pretty scary. Then again, when we adopted her, we had a hunch that she wasn't going to be an easy kid and it wasn't going to be all butterflies and unicorns...
In spite of all of this, I think her chances here with us in the United States at least gives her a fighting chance. Had she languished in the Russian system, I'm not sure if that would have been a better thing. From what I've gleaned from some of the comments in this thread, I'm sure that some posters would disagree with me.
In spite of all of this, I think her chances here with us in the United States at least gives her a fighting chance. Had she languished in the Russian system, I'm not sure if that would have been a better thing. From what I've gleaned from some of the comments in this thread, I'm sure that some posters would disagree with me.
I can assure you that no one here believes she would have been better off "languished" in the Russian system. You are really twisting what people are saying if that is what you gathered.
I can assure you that no one here believes she would have been better off "languished" in the Russian system. You are really twisting what people are saying if that is what you gathered.
Unfortunately that is what I read into a few of the posts that seem rather anti adoption and a few comments made me a bit angry. I'm not going to argue with you or keep the debate running since it will just turn into pages of multiquotes and such. I'm merely explaining why adoption was a great thing for my family and our personal situation. And thank goodness it was available to us, otherwise the outcome would have been much different for our lovely kids.
Have a great day!!
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