Atheist Forum Joke Thread (abortion, gays, voting, Jesus)

[SeekerSA]

as a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door,
she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving
herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked:
"what in the world! Are you doing!?"

the daughter replied:
"mom, I'm 32 years old, unmarried, and
this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
So please go away ,and leave me alone!"

the next day, the girl's father heard the same
buzz coming from the other side of the closed
bedroom door.upon entering the room, he observed
his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing,

the daughter said:
"dad I'm 32, unmarried, and this is about as
close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please,
go away and leave me alone!"

a couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room?

She entered,
and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
sipping a cold beer, and staring at the tv.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch,
buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked:
"what are you doing?"

the husband replied:
"I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

[Tor_Heshman]

YouTube - Tor Hershman presents REAL Bible Stories #1


YouTube - Tor Hershman presents REAL Bible Stories #2


YouTube - "Tor Hershman's AmaZING Grace"

[calmdude]

YouTube - lewis black explains religion

[Lamplight]

[Lamplight]

[Rafius]

A Typical Day In The Life Of A Godless Heathen.

0900. Wake up with dreadful hangover. Fart. Go back to sleep.

1000. Wake up again. Get out of bed. Sniff armpits to decide whether a shower is required.

1010. Shout 'Where the hell is my tea' to wife.

1015. Drink tea and complain that there's not enough sugar in it.

1030. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake 'naughty bits' at her making ‘Whoa’ sound.

1040. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if there are pecks.

1045. Admire size of penis in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.

1050. Get in shower.

1055. Wash face and armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

1100. Wash privates and the surrounding area with wife’s face cloth, wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

1105. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo ‘mohican’ hairstyle. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

1110. Pee in the shower. Rinse off and get out of shower.

1112. Fail to notice water on the floor because the shower curtain has fallen outside the bath for the whole duration of the shower.

1115. Partially dry off, look at self in the mirror again, flex muscles and admire the size of penis again.

1120. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor, leave bathroom light and fan on.

1125. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If wife is passed, pull off towel; grab penis, go ‘Whey hey baby!’ and thrust pelvis at her.

1145. Put on yesterday’s clothes.

1200. Fart and waft the air up to your face to see how bad it smells.

1205. Switch on TV, light cigarette and call for more tea.

1215. Drink tea and fall asleep in chair.

1415. Wake up and fart.

1430. Get lawnmower out of shed. Decide that it might rain some time in the next 10 hours. Put lawnmower back unused.

1500. Go into town to ogle the girls coming out of the gym.

1600. Decide that ogling is thirsty work. Go into nearest pub to quench thirst.

1900. Get thrown out of pub.

2000. Fall through front door of house and demand to be fed.

2030. Switch on TV, light cigarette and call for more tea.

2045. Drink tea and fall asleep in chair.

2200. Wake up, fart and complain about the rubbish on TV these days.

2300. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile on floor.

2315. Complain that there aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things you have to do.

2330. Get into bed, fart and fall asleep.
__________________

[Rafius]

A Day In The Life Of A Christian.


0900. Wake up with an erection.


0901. Think about Jesus in the hopes that the erection will go.


0902. Discover that thinking about Jesus gives you an even bigger erection.


0903. Get out of bed and pray.


0910. Go to bathroom for a pee and wrap penis in tissue paper so that touching it won’t give you ‘unclean’ thoughts.


0915. Clean teeth and return to bedroom.


0920. Pray that all atheists will get what they deserve today.


0930. Get dressed whilst desperately trying to suppress a fart.


1000. Place bread in toaster.


1002. Gasp in horror and fall to your knees because you think you see the face of Jesus on your toast.


1010. Finish breakfast.


1011. Pray.


1030. Collect Bible, various other religious literatures and put them in your car.


1045. Pray that your car will start today.


1100. Get in car and blame Satan when your car doesn’t start.


1130. Finally manage to start car and thank God for kicking Satan’s arse and starting your car.


1200. Arrive in town.


1230 – 1700. Annoy the crap out of passers by screaming that they are going to hell unless they believe the same thing as you do.


1800. Arrive back home.


1815 – 1900. Explain to God what a good chap you’ve been today in spreading his Word to the heathens.


1930. Have supper.


2000. Pray.


2030 – 2200. Read Bible.


2201. Pray for forgiveness because you let a fart slip when you sneezed in town today.


2230. Go into bedroom.


2231. Pray for forgiveness for what you are about to do.


2245. Put on leather underpants, flying helmet, goggles and get the wet celery from the fridge.


2300. Throw wife on bed saying shouting “Stop struggling b****, you know you like it hard”.


0005. Demand that your wife administer 20 lashes to your bare back as penance for your lustful thoughts.


0010. Fall asleep with a raging erection caused by the 20 lashes.

[Rafius]

A Day In The Life Of A Muslim Extremist.

0500. Wake up.

0510. Climb turret in self made minaret tower in garden.

0515, Annoy the crap out of everyone in the neighbourhood up by shouting “Allah Akbar” at the top of your voice through a high powered sound system.

0530 – 0900. Say morning prayers whilst kneeling on a silly mat wearing an even sillier hat and facing East.

0910. Plan which café to bomb whilst thinking about the 72 virgins that you will receive for dying as a martyr.

0930. Get a erection thinking about the 72 virgins.

0935. Go to woodshed and give your self 50 lashes with a whip made of chains with fish hooks on the ends.

1000. Strap bomb belt around body.

1030. Drive to town, park car outside Burger King and walk inside.

1100. Stand on table, shout “Allah Akbar”, think about the 72 virgins again.

1101. Detonate bomb belt and look down from where your head is stuck to the ceiling to survey carnage.

1105. Arrive in heaven with an erection from thinking about your 72 virgins.

1110. Discover that the word ‘virgin’ has been mistranslated in the Qur’an and that they really meant ‘grapes’ not virgins.

1112. Shout BUGGER at the top of your voice.

[Lamplight]

[Tantalust]