Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sounds like you mother is going downhill fast, Kathryn. It doesn't seem so long ago that she seemed lucid and more with it. I don't know if we're supposed to think this way, but probably this is for the best when someone has dementia.
My cousin. I got two calls from the memory care unit today. One, they want to put her on Welbutrin because she is so depressed. Reluctantly I said ok. Then they called back and want to have someone from an agency come and take her out once a week.
I don't live close enough but I will be going up there to see her next week. But (sigh) I have been this route before with her. I used go to her house and take her out shopping many years ago and she went for a while, but then it was always too much pain for her, so she would say. Then, this year when she started having big problems I had to set up people to take her out twice a week from her home to get her out of the house. But half the time they would show up and she would refuse to go. Too much pain, her hip was hurting.
Meanwhile, those people who showed up had to be paid! She is hard work. I can see it now. Me, sending gift cards to her so she can buy stuff that she doesn't need, me getting the bills from the people who take her out, e paying the bills. Then she starts in with not wanting to go with them due to hip pain.
It's all a ploy and I don't know why. She loves to complain. When she first went into memory care in May, they had her up dancing and having a great time. No hip pain. This, after always calling me on the phone from her home and telling me that she needs to be in her wheelchair "all the time now." Well, at the memory care, they wouldn't let her sit in a wheelchair, they said she was faking it, and she was enjoying the dance class!
They said now she's stopped going on the group trips in the van because it hurts her hip. Yet it didn't hurt before. I think she's giving them a hard time. She probably wants even more attention than they already give her.
All I can think of is that maybe I can transfer her to a memory care unit closer to me so I can take her places. There's one that's run by the same company. I think I would have to move her anyway because the place she's in now won't accept Medicare and Medicaid when her money runs out. May as well start checking into a new place. No, I am not going to authorize some agency to come and take her out shopping and dining! This didn't work before and it is a waste of money and will not work this time either. (And the employees at the memory care place will think I'm a meanie.) /rant
Sounds like you mother is going downhill fast, Kathryn. It doesn't seem so long ago that she seemed lucid and more with it. I don't know if we're supposed to think this way, but probably this is for the best when someone has dementia.
My cousin. I got two calls from the memory care unit today. One, they want to put her on Welbutrin because she is so depressed. Reluctantly I said ok. Then they called back and want to have someone from an agency come and take her out once a week.
I don't live close enough but I will be going up there to see her next week. But (sigh) I have been this route before with her. I used go to her house and take her out shopping many years ago and she went for a while, but then it was always too much pain for her, so she would say. Then, this year when she started having big problems I had to set up people to take her out twice a week from her home to get her out of the house. But half the time they would show up and she would refuse to go. Too much pain, her hip was hurting.
Meanwhile, those people who showed up had to be paid! She is hard work. I can see it now. Me, sending gift cards to her so she can buy stuff that she doesn't need, me getting the bills from the people who take her out, e paying the bills. Then she starts in with not wanting to go with them due to hip pain.
It's all a ploy and I don't know why. She loves to complain. When she first went into memory care in May, they had her up dancing and having a great time. No hip pain. This, after always calling me on the phone from her home and telling me that she needs to be in her wheelchair "all the time now." Well, at the memory care, they wouldn't let her sit in a wheelchair, they said she was faking it, and she was enjoying the dance class!
They said now she's stopped going on the group trips in the van because it hurts her hip. Yet it didn't hurt before. I think she's giving them a hard time. She probably wants even more attention than they already give her.
All I can think of is that maybe I can transfer her to a memory care unit closer to me so I can take her places. There's one that's run by the same company. I think I would have to move her anyway because the place she's in now won't accept Medicare and Medicaid when her money runs out. May as well start checking into a new place. No, I am not going to authorize some agency to come and take her out shopping and dining! This didn't work before and it is a waste of money and will not work this time either. (And the employees at the memory care place will think I'm a meanie.) /rant
Oh my goodness - yep, it does sound like manipulation and the fact that you've tried it and tried it before makes it pretty obvious. I don't get it but you're probably right - it's the attention factor. She's probably been high maintenance her entire life.
I wouldn't move her closer to you specifically so you can take her out - that may be short lived or as you point out - futile effort. Plus I know how trying it is to take someone out if they aren't going to or are unable to cooperate. It's so frustrating and depressing!!!!!!!! Plus think about this - what if she fell? How would you handle that? It's really problematic.
But if moving her needs to be done anyway, it wouldn't hurt to move her closer to you. This does expand your options.
Grrr, good luck and please continue to keep us posted.
And yes, my mom went down quickly and no, I don't think it's wrong to be circumspect about it. I'd rather go down quickly than sit there and suffer for years or God forbid, decades. I am hoping she will be released from this earthly existence soon to be honest. It's not like she's going to get better.
Oh my goodness - yep, it does sound like manipulation and the fact that you've tried it and tried it before makes it pretty obvious. I don't get it but you're probably right - it's the attention factor. She's probably been high maintenance her entire life.
I wouldn't move her closer to you specifically so you can take her out - that may be short lived or as you point out - futile effort. Plus I know how trying it is to take someone out if they aren't going to or are unable to cooperate. It's so frustrating and depressing!!!!!!!! Plus think about this - what if she fell? How would you handle that? It's really problematic.
But if moving her needs to be done anyway, it wouldn't hurt to move her closer to you. This does expand your options.
Grrr, good luck and please continue to keep us posted.
And yes, my mom went down quickly and no, I don't think it's wrong to be circumspect about it. I'd rather go down quickly than sit there and suffer for years or God forbid, decades. I am hoping she will be released from this earthly existence soon to be honest. It's not like she's going to get better.
I'm going to call the place in the next town to me and see what they say. She will have to be moved anyway because her current place won't take Medicare when her own money runs out. I think they have to be somewhere for one year before the place will agree to the Medicare option, so it was on my mind anyway to get her started on her one year residency in a place that will take Medicare in the future.
The place in the nearby town seems to be located where I go shopping anyway. I could go see her a lot more often--she is always thrilled to see me (so far.) Maybe that would help matters. And my husband and I could take turns visiting her, shorter visits but more frequent. Now it's a huge deal to drive an hour out and an hour back in traffic.
If she lived near where I go shopping, I could take her into a store or get a bite to eat and take her back home again. Of course, she'll want to come to my apartment. She's always begging for that. I might even bring her here for an hour or so. When we were in the process of placing her, the geriatric case worker told me she could live right in the next town--and I was like, yeeeeeek! No!
But it's turning out that she's just too far away. Anyway, I enjoy getting invited to the family events--they have a master chef and the food is fantastic. If the food in the place in the next town to me is as good as that (and I think it is, as they are both under the same management) I'd at least enjoy that part. AND, she would be in the same state as I am. That might make some things easier, like Medicare and legal help, if needed. It's awkward when the person is out of state. Yes, I think I'll make a phone call tomorrow. Since she's so "miserable" there, I don't think I'll have any problem convincing her to move!
(Unbelievable, because she loved it there for the first few months, they give her tons of attention, the food is great, and she was really happy. Now her true ever complaining self is coming through again.)
I'm going to call the place in the next town to me and see what they say. She will have to be moved anyway because her current place won't take Medicare when her own money runs out. I think they have to be somewhere for one year before the place will agree to the Medicare option, so it was on my mind anyway to get her started on her one year residency in a place that will take Medicare in the future.
The place in the nearby town seems to be located where I go shopping anyway. I could go see her a lot more often--she is always thrilled to see me (so far.) Maybe that would help matters. And my husband and I could take turns visiting her, shorter visits but more frequent. Now it's a huge deal to drive an hour out and an hour back in traffic.
If she lived near where I go shopping, I could take her into a store or get a bite to eat and take her back home again. Of course, she'll want to come to my apartment. She's always begging for that. I might even bring her here for an hour or so. When we were in the process of placing her, the geriatric case worker told me she could live right in the next town--and I was like, yeeeeeek! No!
But it's turning out that she's just too far away. Anyway, I enjoy getting invited to the family events--they have a master chef and the food is fantastic. If the food in the place in the next town to me is as good as that (and I think it is, as they are both under the same management) I'd at least enjoy that part. AND, she would be in the same state as I am. That might make some things easier, like Medicare and legal help, if needed. It's awkward when the person is out of state. Yes, I think I'll make a phone call tomorrow. Since she's so "miserable" there, I don't think I'll have any problem convincing her to move!
(Unbelievable, because she loved it there for the first few months, they give her tons of attention, the food is great, and she was really happy. Now her true ever complaining self is coming through again.)
From what you are describing, it sounds like it's a better idea for her to live closer. Just don't get sucked into the drama and guilt. I mean, honestly, take care of your relationship with your husband first and foremost, and your own joy and health. She's down the totem pole and unfortunately these caregiving scenarios can slide into that person becoming the center of our universe. Very unhealthy!
From what you are describing, it sounds like it's a better idea for her to live closer. Just don't get sucked into the drama and guilt. I mean, honestly, take care of your relationship with your husband first and foremost, and your own joy and health. She's down the totem pole and unfortunately these caregiving scenarios can slide into that person becoming the center of our universe. Very unhealthy!
You are right! Most of today was spent on the phone with the place she lives now and two places that are close to me. Are these places desperate or what? They are so competitive and hard sell. One has two cats and a dog that live in their memory care area and the residents also get their own garden plot. My cousin would love that. The person also was really good about explaining how she will help when the time comes for her to transfer to a nursing home and go onto Medicaid. They have to self pay for about four months and then Medicaid (not Medicare) kicks in. If a person goes from hospital rehab to a nursing home, it's Medicare and then Medicaid. It's confusing.
One place near here called the place she lives now and talked to them. Then I got a joint call from the executive director and the marketing person from the place she lives now, sounded like they were freaking out at the idea of my moving her out. They did tell me not to feel guilty that I can't visit often. They said some people never get visitors.
You are 100% correct about not letting my cousin become the center of my universe. It might be easier in some ways if she lived here, but she's getting great care now where she is. And they said she HAS family now, right where she lives. I go there this week and maybe can talk to them some more. She is getting cared for and is safe and she COULD be happy if she made up her mind to be happy. I can't let this take over my life. Thank you so much!
You hit the nail on the head - she IS getting great care where she lives now. This is your cousin, not your mother and not your spouse. Your cousin. You have already gone above and beyond the call of duty! You have. YOU HAVE. Believe this and do not allow yourself to fall into feeling guilty and thinking "But I could do more." Sure, maybe you could, but at what cost to you? You count too. Your marriage, your family, your life.
Well, it looks like I won't have to cancel on my brother for Thanksgiving after all. Why, you ask? No, I don't think he's in jail. However, he called me this afternoon and - yes, he needs money (the only reason he'd call me). And he sounded very manic, and was actually talking down to me, pretty haughty on one hand (seemingly unaware that he comes across that way) and then on the other hand rattling on and on frantically about being stranded somewhere out of state half way between here and where he used to live, with his car in the shop, freaking out about finances, talking 90 miles a minute about how coming back to Texas didn't work out for him, and how he had fantasized a lot of stuff and then when I carefully used his own terminology (instead of my own opinions) trying to calm him down, he jumped back at me, "I'M NOT FANTASIZING, DON'T YOU WORRY THAT BIG BRAIN OF YOURS ABOUT ME yada yada yada yada - hey, does Mom still give people birthday money, because I need some."
Long story short, he says he's broken down somewhere between here and where he used to live, and his vehicle is in the shop. Now - he's been eating out, and buying weed and alcohol for the past six weeks, not working, and not paying rent anywhere, and not coming to see Mom, saying he can't drive in the rain, etc., etc., and I actually remarked to my husband that I was TRULY SURPRISED when he didn't contact me about "mom sending him some birthday money." (She usually gives her kids $100 on their birthday.) Well, I only had to wait a week or so after his birthday to hear from him.
So I said, "Well I don't know how to get it to you." Honestly, I think he has a whole lot of nerve even asking for it but if it means he's out of state, I'm OK with it. IF it means he's out of state. So I said, "Well I could give a debit card number for $100 to the shop where your car is." Long silence. Then he says, "Let me think about this." Which makes me think that maybe he's not even where he says he is, that he may just be down the road, wanting some cash. To buy whatever with. One thing is for sure - he didn't want me to call a shop and pay $100 of a bill for him. Interesting.
Anyway that was at 3:30 and I haven't heard from him since and now it's after 9 pm so I've got his calls blocked.
All I can tell you is this - I'm not in the mood to go down to WalMart and wire him any money and that's the truth. I hate WalMart and it's not my fault he doesn't even have a checking account so I can't just transfer the money from Mom's account to his. But I have the distinct feeling he's not after just "birthday money." I think he is trying to hit Mom up for much more than that - probably between $500 and $1000. And I'm not so sure he's having any sort of car trouble at all.
The Gravy Train don't go by here no mo.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 11-12-2018 at 09:21 PM..
I am just sorry for you that you have to deal with this on top of taking care of your mother. Good catch on the $100.
Well, yeah - my dad did leave me with two totally jacked up people to deal with - and he had been enabling both of them for decades. I know my brother would have been calling my parents for money in the past but that train came to the end of the tracks actually when my dad lay dying in the hospital. His last words to my brother were "Send me back my $100 check," and the last indepth conversation he had with me was him telling me to cut my brother off. And my brother actually got there, while my dad was dying, and told me that he wanted to talk with dad about "supplementing him" by several hundred dollars a month because he was consistently "running a little short" - though he refused to go get even a part time job, which his program not only allowed but encouraged, to supplement his disability payments. I told him I didn't think talking to dad about this at this time - while he was dying - was a good idea, especially after my dad had struggled to tell me to cut my brother off. He still tried. What an idiot. Thankfully my dad said no, and little did my brother know just how mad my dad was about all that - laying on his deathbed. But I don't feel too badly about that for my dad - like I've always said, everybody's chickens come home to roost and if he was going to leave that mess to me, it's only understandable and just that he should lay there dying thinking about it. I mean, I've had to think about it for years now and it's not over yet. I loved my dad but yeah - thanks for that. NOT.
I never heard anything else from my brother yesterday so apparently he survived. I'm sure he'll be contacting me wanting that birthday money though at some point. That's when I'm going to tell him that while I'm going to send it to him (this is probably the last birthday money he'll get from my mom), SOMEWHERE, God only knows where, I think he has a lot lot lot of nerve even asking for it when he totally dropped Mom as soon as he realized she wasn't any use to him. I mean, if he did leave to go back to where he came from (and I'm not sure about that), he left without even telling Mom good bye. And you know what else? When he asked me about that birthday money, he didn't even ask, at all, during the whole conversation, how Mom even is! WHAT A PSYCHOPATH.
Well, after the manic, rude, weird phone call I got from him around 3:30 Monday, I haven't heard a thing from my brother. So yesterday I sent him this text:
"I guess you are OK. Anyway, couple of things: 1) Thanksgiving. I'm glad you let me know you won't be in the local area because I was going to message you. We have had a change of holiday plans and won't be able to get together with you anyway, so that worked out. 2) I am just going to be blunt about this one. Do you realize that when you asked about birthday money, you never even asked about how Mom is doing? Do you realize how awful it is to come here and basically ignore her and then leave without even telling her goodbye or checking on her? Wow. As badly as you may feel about your situation, her situation is a lot worse. This comes across as "If she can't do anything for me, I am not going to spend any time or energy on her." Noted."
I sent this yesterday afternoon and haven't heard a thing from him. I am not going to call him, or text him again, and if he calls I'm letting it roll to voice mail. I am done!
Family will be here in a few days. We are going to go see my mom, do some cooking, then have the big Thanksgiving shindig, then go Christmas shopping the next day - I'm really looking forward to all of it! I wish we could take Mom out for Thanksgiving dinner but I don't think we can do it and to be honest, I don't think she is even going to know it's Thanksgiving.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
