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....She even told me that she loves me before she got off the phone yesterday. I'm torn between being relieved and worrying about whatever shoe is about to drop!
Kathryn, life has more shoes than a well-shod centipede - you know that for sure. Just one shoe at a time is a boon.
I really wish that people who leave notes for me as rep points wouldn't do so anonymously - the best thing to do is send me a PM so I can respond. Otherwise, it comes across more as cowardly than helpful.
I agree, she would never even qualify for a nursing home even if you tried to put her in one. You can only be admitted if you can't handle certain activities of daily living (ADLs). Yes, it's cowardly to leave those kinds of notes anonymously.
You know, I thought I was being forceful enough since I sent an email (which they responded to) and then the RECEPTIONIST put an additional note (at my request) in when we had the last appointment, and then I pulled the nurse AND the doctor aside during the appointment. I am not sure what else I can do other than stand there looking like a wild Comanche and saying loudly in front of everyone - "YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING TO ADDRESS THE ODOR so WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SO??????" Then of course I will look like a jerk.
My mom has some old guy hitting on her, so apparently he's not too tuned in to the odor, but the weird thing was that my dad couldn't smell it either. Everyone else could - my husband, my kids, my brothers, my friends, their friends - but my dad could not smell it. Ever. At first he tried to make me think I was exaggerating and I'm sure my mom thinks that as well. I have already brought it up to her three times now.
My kids refuse to bring it up with her, and my brothers say they will but never do. It's a very difficult conversation to have.
As for insisting that she take a shower before getting in my car, there's no way I could do that without a massive fight - and non compliance or if she did comply she'd be furiously fuming. And I'm not sure it would help anyway because her closet REEKS of whatever this is so it's really permeated her personal items. I'd have to have it all dry cleaned or something and there's no way. I'm avoiding that closet as much as possible - I can't even describe the horrors of that closet -which I just organized about 8 weeks ago and mini organized again the other day. I've tried this in the past many times - even in her better days my mom finds it impossible to have an orderly drawer or closet or counter top or refridgerator. It drove my dad crazy too because he was a neat and orderly person and as her cognitive skills went downhill, he was having to do more cleaning and cooking and laundry and he would call me in an uproar because she would do things like get all the hangers out of his closet and he'd go into hers and there'd be 30 empty hangers and she'd be telling him, "BE SURE YOU BUY MORE HANGERS WHEN YOU GO TO THE STORE."
Once she couldn't find any of her socks (an ongoing issue with her - I have no idea why she can't find socks in a drawer but she can't, even with a full drawer of socks). So she went into HIS drawer and got every pair of his expensive socks ($6 a pair and she got about 8 pairs). Then because he had little old man ankles, she didn't like that they were tight around her ankles, so she cut slices in the bands of every single sock. Then of course, he couldn't find his socks, so he said, "I bet you anything they are in her stuff," and I happened to be over there when he checked. Sure enough, he found all of his socks - destroyed of course. He was so mad! And my mom acted as if she had no idea why he was so mad. She kept saying, "I just fixed them. They were too tight. Why are you so mad?" And he'd go, "BECAUSE THEY ARE MY SOCKS!" and she'd just smile and shrug and say, "And I fixed them. My goodness, you're in a tizzy. Calm down."
As for avoiding her, if any family does that because of this issue, shame on them. I haven't heard that from anyone, but I'm the only person who lives all that close. I have one daughter who lives an hour away who PROMISED my mom (and me) that she'd come visit every week, and she's only visited about once a month, and two of those times was when she was picking up some furniture that we were giving her. So yeah - I'm not impressed with her devotion, let's just put it that way.
Don't even get me started on it all. Basically if anything gets done, I have to do it. And I'm not going to fight with Mom about her odor, which she can't smell AT ALL. She just treats me exactly the same maddening way she treated my dad about the socks.
But I really do appreciate you trying to help with suggestions. Really. I'm just so frustrated by that odor. And I have to sit next to her in church tomorrow and then put her in my car and then go out to eat with her. AUGH.
Your Dad could probably smell it but being her enabler he probably was unable to admit there was an odor.
I know you don't seem to think this odor is coming from urine/your mom's leakage problem, but if she is dehydrated or not hydrated well enough, it might be. Urine from someone who is not well hydrated can reek to a level way beyond the smell of normal urine to the point it is nauseating to anyone with a normal sense of smell. And, especially if she is leaking onto her clothes/furniture/bedding and not washing herself/clothing well enough.
Perhaps you could con her into giving an first thing in the morning sample in a jar/or catch bowl to take to the next drs appt. If its really dark, that will be an indicator she's not drinking enough and you may be able to tell if that's what you are smelling.
I know you don't seem to think this odor is coming from urine/your mom's leakage problem, but if she is dehydrated or not hydrated well enough, it might be. Urine from someone who is not well hydrated can reek to a level way beyond the smell of normal urine to the point it is nauseating to anyone with a normal sense of smell. And, especially if she is leaking onto her clothes/furniture/bedding and not washing herself/clothing well enough.
Perhaps you could con her into giving an first thing in the morning sample in a jar/or catch bowl to take to the next drs appt. If its really dark, that will be an indicator she's not drinking enough and you may be able to tell if that's what you are smelling.
It could be this but honestly, it doesn't smell like even the most rank pee. It has an almost chemical type odor to it. It's the strangest thing.
I am taking her back in though for a check up on that UTI. No, she doesn't drink enough fluids. She is destined to continue to get UTIs I'm afraid.
I agree, she would never even qualify for a nursing home even if you tried to put her in one. You can only be admitted if you can't handle certain activities of daily living (ADLs). Yes, it's cowardly to leave those kinds of notes anonymously.
I could not agree more.
She was thoroughly assessed by both her medical team and her psychiatrist, and then by the facility (which has several levels of care available and they knew my mom could pay for any level of care). She's where they all agreed - all the professionals who have seen her and evaluated her FIRST HAND - she needs to be at this point.
Kathryn, It could be that the people leaving anonymous notes do not realize they are anonymous. I had no idea about the notes or "reputations" until pretty recently. And most on my page are anonymous. When I've left notes, I had no idea they were anonymous until I checked my page and saw that there were no names unless the person typed theirs in. By the way, thank you for the encouraging notes you've left for me!
I sometimes try to leave the notes but then get stopped with a warning from the website that I must spread more reputation around before I can "like" (?) that person's post again. I am really ignorant about all of that, so probably others are, too!
I know from experience that the odor thing is a very uncomfortable and touchy subject. Why...because my father always smells! He swears he can't smell himself which actually is quite common in many older people since they do tend to lose their sense of smell.
Just recently I asked him what he does to clean himself (on non shower days) and how many times he changes his depends. Come to find out he does not clean himself after changing his depends! In fact he was using deodorant down there!!!!! What I suggested to him was to use the perineal skin wash that we use on Mom. The one we use is Aloe Vesta® Perineal/Skin Cleanser and it makes it so much easier because you do not have to rinse off and has a mild pleasant smell.
So maybe you could buy some and see if she would be willing to use it. And as a last resort.......if she refuses to do anything tell her that you just cannot take her anywhere anymore until she freshens up. That is what I had to do with Dad before. Unless he showered and really cleaned I would not get in a car with him. I just couldn't stomach it anymore!
Look up nonenal. It's associated with "aging person smell." It has to due with glandular secretions.
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