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My husband is truly a rare breed. He has a much bigger heart than I ever will.
It's hard to be mad at him because he honestly just wants to provide for his elderly, frail mother, just as he provides for me and our children.
OP, just because your "generous" husband brings home the paycheck doesn't entitle him to treat you like a servant in your own house. And no matter how "big a heart" he seems to have, this is exactly what is going on; he is being "generous" with your health and welfare.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork
I believe if I was actually changing diapers for his mother, feeding her and dressing her, he would have more sympathy. In his eyes, he can't understand that having her here in our house is an emotional burden to me.
Believe me, you are one stroke away from changing diapers, feeding and dressing your MIL. Will your husband's "sympathy" then be sufficient for you? Because I can guarantee that is all you will get.
You are the only one who can advocate for yourself. It is not up to you to find or implement solutions to this problem, whether they be assisted living, adult day care, or placement with other family members. You need to decide what the minimum acceptable arrangement is for you and then make it clear that if your husband does not realize YOUR needs are not being met, you will be finding another place to live.
You don't have to be "mad at him," just emphatic about your own needs.
(snip) Most facilities do take Medicaid, in fact law requires a certain number of Medicaid beds here in NJ. The gamble is if one we want has empty Medicaid beds at the time. I would definitely if this time came, enlist the hospital social worker to try to help us find the best place to send her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork
Thank you for explaining how that works with regard to assisted living/Medicaid/available beds. That gives me some things to think about.
I'll give you a concrete example (ymmv). When my son and I suddenly needed to find a facility for my husband (because I was his full time care giver and I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer) we called 60 (yes, 60 facilities) and only one had a vacancy AND accepted Medicaid. There were two other places that had vacancies AND accepted Medicaid after private paying for only 12 to 18 months (rather than the standard 24 to 36 months.
Yes, many/most facilities do accept Medicaid but, at least in my area, it isn't unusual for a 100 bed facility to allocate three or four beds as "Medicaid beds" but reserved them for long term residents who have private paid for several years.
Again, This was my experience. You experience may be different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork
(snip). Her other children ask her all the time to visit them or to go live with them. MIL refuses because she likes my home better and she says she finds them "annoying."
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal
>>MIL refuses because she likes my home better and she says she finds them "annoying."<<<
What about you?? You find HER annoying. Why does always get what she wants and you're stuck? Tell your husband he must take her to the home of one of his siblings. It's ok if she's not thrilled with that. Tell her it's temporary, only a few months. Maybe in time she'll adjust to Vegas and decide she likes it there and it would be a win-win-win for everyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OHNot4Me
Maybe you need to start being more annoying until the other siblings' houses begin to look more attractive by comparison?
I agree. Perhaps you need to start being more annoying. You can start to take an afternoon nap for several hours each day, or "go to bed early" (like your husband), or plan evening meals that YOU like and MIL hates, or play music that YOU like and mil hates, or spend time reading every day on your porch or at the library, or "forget" to buy MIL's favorite coffee or snacks for the next month or two, and/or similar things.
I suspect that you are being TOO nice and TOO accommodating to your MIL. Keep in mind how your husband treats his own mother (such as lying to her that he is "going to bed at 8:30" and then plays on his computer for a couple of hours). And, I bet that there are many other similar things.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-28-2019 at 12:32 PM..
One thing I might suggest is that your husband take the "two good choices" negotiating approach when discussing this with his mom. "Mom, cyork needs some time to herself around the house. Do you want to go to X senior activity or Y senior activity?" Like, staying home is not even an option that's on the table. "Mom, May is going to be a hectic month around here. Would you rather go stay with sibling A or sibling B for a few weeks?" If she says "neither," press it. "Yes, but if you HAD to choose, which one would you pick?"
You might also want to explore alternative work sites, such as a cafe, library, or other places with connectivity so the MIL is alone more often. She will likely become more bored and dissatisfied with the current situation.
I'll give you a concrete example (ymmv). When my son and I suddenly needed to find a facility for my husband (because I was his full time care giver and I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer) we called 60 (yes, 60 facilities) and only one had a vacancy AND accepted Medicaid. There were two other places that had vacancies AND accepted Medicaid after private paying for only 12 to 18 months (rather than the standard 24 to 36 months.
Yes, many/most facilities do accept Medicaid but, at least in my area, it isn't unusual for a 100 bed facility to allocate three or four beds as "Medicaid beds" but reserved them for long term residents who have private paid for several years.
Again, This was my experience. You experience may be different.
I agree. Perhaps you need to start being more annoying. You can start to take an afternoon nap for several hours each day, or "go to bed early" (like your husband), or plan evening meals that YOU like and MIL hates, or play music that YOU like and mil hates, or spend time reading every day on your porch or at the library, or "forget" to buy MIL's favorite coffee or snacks for the next month or two, and/or similar things.
I suspect that you are being TOO nice and TOO accommodating to your MIL. Keep in mind how your husband treats his own mother (such as lying to her that he is "going to bed at 8:30" and then plays on his computer for a couple of hours). And, I bet that there are many other similar things.
Just wanted to point out that your comments above regarding the husband going to bed at 8:30 and playing on his computer were made by another poster, not me the OP.
And thank you for sharing your experience with trying to find a place with an open Medicaid bed. I think it will be a challenge once the time comes.
Op, Maybe your MIL finds the other siblings houses annoying because they do not let her do whatever she wants while she is there. There are probably rules that she has to follow. At your house you try to set up boundaries but she does not respect you enough to follow them, you are the DIL so maybe she feels that in her sons house the rules don't apply to her. BELIEVE ME, been there done that. Didn't work out well for MIL at the end of the day.
If you feel guilty about sending MIL to live with another of her children, consider doing it for YOUR children. It's not fair to them to grow up with a Mother who is stressed, anxious, and unhappy.
If you feel guilty about sending MIL to live with another of her children, consider doing it for YOUR children. It's not fair to them to grow up with a Mother who is stressed, anxious, and unhappy.
That is an excellent point. I remember my neighbors had a grandparent living with them for several years. It wasn't until the man passed away that Mom & Dad realized how much it hurt their children. They couldn't play music in the house (or even talk or laugh loudly) because it "bothered" grandpa. They couldn't have sleepovers, couldn't have play dates/study groups/club meetings attheir house, couldn't have birthday parties, couldn't do this and couldn't do that for years. And, because grandpa needed his own bedroom (the biggest one due to his walker & other equipment), the children needed to double up and share bedrooms and the parents lost their master bedroom to grandpa.
Think about your children. Are they missing out on things because their grandma lives with your family? Missing out on private time with you and your husband? Missing out on social activities (inviting other teens to your house)? Missing out on family trips and activities because you don't want to leave grandma alone (or she doesn't want to stay alone)? Missing out on their favorite meals because grandma doesn't like those foods? Missing out on their favorite TV shows and favorite music because the "noise" bothers grandma? This? That?
Think about it and discuss it with your husband.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-28-2019 at 03:03 PM..
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