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I'm an emotional mess right now and I'm not sure which way to go. Maybe all of you can help me to better make up my mind.
As you all know, my mother is in the moderate stage of Alzhiemer's. She has been in this stage for a year.
Although she lives with me, my sister has had a hand in getting things in order. We have all of it taken care of except the selling of her home. That is underway, we are currently removing all items. We already have people interested, but we haven't had it appraised yet (we want to get it all cleaned up first). All of her other financial things are in order and although our mother is far from rich, she did manage to build a decent nest egg with bonds and insurance, so forth.
We also have a brother who has always been interested in himself and that is it. He hasn't seen our mother in 4 years and he calls once a year. He is now aware of the situation and his first move was to go to her home and tag the things he wants.
Anyway, here are my problems. My sister and I have been trying to locate a home that would be the same distance for her and I to travel to see Mom. One problem is that there are only 2 homes that cater to Alzhiemer's close to us. One is a 15 to 20 min drive for me and an hour for her, the other is closer to my sister with the drive times reversed. We felt that we needed to find a home now to get our mom on the list. Normally there aren't any openings right away. And I know that there is no way I could handle keeping her right up to the end. My heart can't handle the pain of watching her die.
The next problem is: My sister has been attending several seminars and talking with several people including doctors. They are telling her that it is best for the patient to be put in a home before they reach the final stage. The two doctors she has spoken to suggested that she go in a home now while she still has her social skills. They said that the patient becomes more acclimated and will be less likely to become violent in the final stage. That at this stage they require a set schedule for every thing in order to feel more assured of themselves. And they need to socialize with people their own age in order to reduce the depression. They also told her that the only reason most people don't put their loved one in a home earlier is because of the guilt they feel. All of this makes perfect sense to me on watching how Mom is and reacts to different things.
There is an opening at the home near my sister. She thinks we should go ahead and make plans to put her there within the next 3 months.
I'm the baby and I have always been closer to both our parents than my siblings. We even lived next door to them for the first 5 years of our marriage. I'm that child that can't let go, the one who feels that no one can take better care of her than me. And the one that feels so guilty for all the bad things I had done as a teenager that I feel I owe her for all the heartache. I'm the one who can't seem to let go, I can't help but to feel that I would be failing again as a daughter, although since we have moved her in and I keep battling depression due to her progression.
Both of my parent's moms were put in homes. My mother's mom had Alzhiemer's (which I didn't know due to my age) and she passed away (at 73, Mom turned 71 today) while living in a home. All I remember is that she always seemed so sad and she wasn't that way before going in. As a child I blamed being put in a home for her death, now I know different. My father's mother had been wheelchair bound all of my life. She had finally reached an age where she couldn't do for herself and she had requested going to a home. She to passed within 2 years of going. But she was happy to be around others her age and having people do for her.
I told my sister I would call the home close to her in the morning and setup an appointment to take Mom, let her look around with my sister while I have a conference with them.
My mind is telling me to go ahead and plan on putting her in one relatively soon. My heart is filled with sadness and I can't stop crying every time I think about it. I feel like that once she is there and I can't see her every day, that she will forget me even sooner. It almost feels like I'm planning her funeral although I know she needs interaction. She isn't happy here with me unless we are going somewhere where she can be with others (especially children). When we aren't constantly going she will say she's ready to go to her home.
I'm sorry that I have become so wordy. I do hope that each of you haven't grown too tired to give your opinion. I would appreciate knowing what you think you would do. The real issue for me isn't so much where as it is when.
Anyone else out there have a problem with patience with someone they love very much?
Every day and sometimes several times a day, but I just bite my lip and leave the room for a minute. My mom complains constantly. She always has for as long as I can remember and it really gets next to me. You feel like you can't satisfy her in any manner. It's very depressing.
Don't feel guilty though. I've heard stories where people have reacted physically when getting annoyed. I can't imagine going to that extreme. I would hurt myself before I would ever lay a hand on my mom.
I think a bigger problem for me was feeling guilty over not being able to do much to fight his disease, even 6 years after his passing I still sometimes get little twinges of guilt, I know it's probably irrational but it happens.
My dad passed away 6 weeks after being diagnosed with liver cancer. And although we all knew he had cancer, Mom was in denial and she never told us it was liver.
Anyway, like you, I still kick myself for not doing more even though I was the one who took on a 3rd shift job so I could be by his side while mom worked. You still always feel that surely you could have done more.
I do know that if I had a choice, I'd much rather go quickly like my dad rather than the way Mom is going now with Alzhiemer's.
I'm an emotional mess right now and I'm not sure which way to go. Maybe all of you can help me to better make up my mind.
As you all know, my mother is in the moderate stage of Alzhiemer's. She has been in this stage for a year.
Although she lives with me, my sister has had a hand in getting things in order. We have all of it taken care of except the selling of her home. That is underway, we are currently removing all items. We already have people interested, but we haven't had it appraised yet (we want to get it all cleaned up first). All of her other financial things are in order and although our mother is far from rich, she did manage to build a decent nest egg with bonds and insurance, so forth.
We also have a brother who has always been interested in himself and that is it. He hasn't seen our mother in 4 years and he calls once a year. He is now aware of the situation and his first move was to go to her home and tag the things he wants.
Anyway, here are my problems. My sister and I have been trying to locate a home that would be the same distance for her and I to travel to see Mom. One problem is that there are only 2 homes that cater to Alzhiemer's close to us. One is a 15 to 20 min drive for me and an hour for her, the other is closer to my sister with the drive times reversed. We felt that we needed to find a home now to get our mom on the list. Normally there aren't any openings right away. And I know that there is no way I could handle keeping her right up to the end. My heart can't handle the pain of watching her die.
The next problem is: My sister has been attending several seminars and talking with several people including doctors. They are telling her that it is best for the patient to be put in a home before they reach the final stage. The two doctors she has spoken to suggested that she go in a home now while she still has her social skills. They said that the patient becomes more acclimated and will be less likely to become violent in the final stage. That at this stage they require a set schedule for every thing in order to feel more assured of themselves. And they need to socialize with people their own age in order to reduce the depression. They also told her that the only reason most people don't put their loved one in a home earlier is because of the guilt they feel. All of this makes perfect sense to me on watching how Mom is and reacts to different things.
There is an opening at the home near my sister. She thinks we should go ahead and make plans to put her there within the next 3 months.
I'm the baby and I have always been closer to both our parents than my siblings. We even lived next door to them for the first 5 years of our marriage. I'm that child that can't let go, the one who feels that no one can take better care of her than me. And the one that feels so guilty for all the bad things I had done as a teenager that I feel I owe her for all the heartache. I'm the one who can't seem to let go, I can't help but to feel that I would be failing again as a daughter, although since we have moved her in and I keep battling depression due to her progression.
Both of my parent's moms were put in homes. My mother's mom had Alzhiemer's (which I didn't know due to my age) and she passed away (at 73, Mom turned 71 today) while living in a home. All I remember is that she always seemed so sad and she wasn't that way before going in. As a child I blamed being put in a home for her death, now I know different. My father's mother had been wheelchair bound all of my life. She had finally reached an age where she couldn't do for herself and she had requested going to a home. She to passed within 2 years of going. But she was happy to be around others her age and having people do for her.
I told my sister I would call the home close to her in the morning and setup an appointment to take Mom, let her look around with my sister while I have a conference with them.
My mind is telling me to go ahead and plan on putting her in one relatively soon. My heart is filled with sadness and I can't stop crying every time I think about it. I feel like that once she is there and I can't see her every day, that she will forget me even sooner. It almost feels like I'm planning her funeral although I know she needs interaction. She isn't happy here with me unless we are going somewhere where she can be with others (especially children). When we aren't constantly going she will say she's ready to go to her home.
I'm sorry that I have become so wordy. I do hope that each of you haven't grown too tired to give your opinion. I would appreciate knowing what you think you would do. The real issue for me isn't so much where as it is when.
Thank you in advance!
You have a good plan. I think it's true, it will be easier for her to adjust sooner than later. Honestly, my father would have been better off going to a home sooner than he did. The violence in the last stage finally drove us to it! I cam home one day and found my mom with a huge bruise on her face from him hitting her. That was it for me. No more! My father only lived about 8 weeks after that happened.
After your mom is placed, it would be good if you and your sister could work out a visit schedule so she has some company every week and everyone doesn't come at once. They have activities and things to do and you may well be surprised at how well she does. There is a lot of social isolation that goes along with Alzheimers and she will probably enjoy seeing some contemporaries.
Thank you, Yellowsnow. I made a list of pros and cons and I noticed that I had put more cons but that they were all against because of me and my feelings. Now I'm hoping to get enough people that have lived through it to give me their opinion. I'm hoping that will change my views on the matter. I just feel so much like a traitor right now.
Thank you again for sharing. I know it must still be hard for you to re-live the awful memories and I do appreciate it more than you will ever know.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by simplyaged
I told my sister I would call the home close to her in the morning and setup an appointment to take Mom, let her look around with my sister while I have a conference with them.
My mind is telling me to go ahead and plan on putting her in one relatively soon. My heart is filled with sadness and I can't stop crying every time I think about it. I feel like that once she is there and I can't see her every day, that she will forget me even sooner. It almost feels like I'm planning her funeral although I know she needs interaction. She isn't happy here with me unless we are going somewhere where she can be with others (especially children). When we aren't constantly going she will say she's ready to go to her home.
I'm sorry that I have become so wordy. I do hope that each of you haven't grown too tired to give your opinion. I would appreciate knowing what you think you would do. The real issue for me isn't so much where as it is when.
Thank you in advance!
I wish I could tell you there's an easy solution that would have everyone feeling OK about everything but sadly I don't think that's possible.
That said I think you've come up with a workable plan that is probably about as good as anyone could do. I have to agree that adaption to a new setting will probably be easier sooner than later.
From reading other posts I've been surprised how prevalent a tendency towards violence seems to become, my Dad showed a bit of that and it's something he never exhibited prior to his illness.
I wish you well, remember you must also take care of yourself during this time.
I wish I could tell you there's an easy solution that would have everyone feeling OK about everything but sadly I don't think that's possible.
That said I think you've come up with a workable plan that is probably about as good as anyone could do. I have to agree that adaption to a new setting will probably be easier sooner than later.
From reading other posts I've been surprised how prevalent a tendency towards violence seems to become, my Dad showed a bit of that and it's something he never exhibited prior to his illness.
I wish you well, remember you must also take care of yourself during this time.
Burdell, thank you for the response. Like your dad, my mom has never shown violence. She is already treating our son differently and throwing small objects at him. I'm scared that it won't be much longer that she will become more physical with him. It is like she thinks he is always being mean to her when he speaks to her and he isn't. No matter if he says something like, "Can I get something for you?", she will get angry snap at him and throw the nearest object like an ink pen or something. It is really sad on both sides. Her because she is ill and his because he thinks she doesn't love him anymore even though he knows she is ill.
But, yes, apparently all of them become violent and/or mean in the final stages. Some are worse than others. That was the concern that the doctors had, that if we don't move her now, she will be more violent towards everyone.
My decision on moving her into a home soon will be very difficult on my part, but I do feel that she and our son would be better off. I just need to get my mind set and learn to let go. Yeah.....easier said than done.
Thank you for the kind words. I really need to hear those a lot lately! You have been a huge help throughout and I appreciate it. Thank you again!
As the only caregiver for my mother with Alzheimer's- well she has had a rough month. Memory seems worse- seems at times disoriented badly. Has an increasingly difficult time doing everyday things (which before she did poorly)
This disease is horrible. May we hope that sometime in the near future they can curb its advance and someday find a cure.
You have all brought back memories of my mother-in-law, who passed away several years back. My husband is the youngest child and was single until he was 45 - so the brunt of caring for his mom after his dad's death fell to him even though he works 60 hour weeks....one sibling lived on the west coast and the other was in town, no children, but the weekends were "personal". My mother-in-law was in a retirement center when my husband married and she hated it, but it was a wonderful place. She couldn't go anywhere with the group because they owned a Dodge van and her husband told her to never get in a Dodge (probably in 1950) - and so she wouldn't....it was also her way of sort of forcing my husband to go get her on his days off. We just marked it up to her being her (frankly, the whole family is weird). She started wreaking havoc at the retirement center, though - screaming at people for no reason, her apartment was never cleaned right, whatever. We knew there was something wrong, but she had always been treated like a princess from the time she was a small girl, we just figured she was acting spoiled. My husband and I were married about 1 1/2 years before we sold our dream home and bought a single story home and moved Ma in with us - and spent another year watching her slowly decline. My sister was stealing her clothes - the mailman was looking at her through the window while she showered (there wasn't a window in that bathroom). My kids were driving her crazy (they were 19 and 21 and didn't live with us), I was a horrible cook and I was trying to starve her (I cater for a living and she gained 25 lbs. living with us). I spent a lot of days in the zone taking Xanax. Some days were very, very good, but we never had any average days - very good or very bad, and you certainly couldn't plan your week around anything. We had Christmas in August one year - she decided it was Christmas, so we had Christmas. Invited they siblings but they said we were indulging her, so they didn't come - and what should have been a happy day went bad in a hurry. She was on a walker and was terrified of stepping down, so we built the porch up for her...not good enough, we'd set quicksand under the bricks so we could get rid of her. She routinely called 911 to the point that protective services came out and paid us a visit and that was kind of the last straw. My husband is in the medical field and we didn't need the "Adult Protective Services" van parked in the driveway for a month every day while we were investigated. Oh, and she hoarded tomato sauce, lol! We found 2 cases of it in her room after she died. We ended up having to put her in a facility (where she kept up the 911 calls...ugh)...it was just a horrible, horrible time for everyone. My husband or I went and spent several hours with her each day - in the end, she slipped away while neither of us were there.
SA - Please make sure your legal affairs are in order - have them double checked and have your brother and sister sign off on being informed. We did the handshake deal and then were accused of stealing her life savings (all of $40K, which we used to put in handicapped accessible items in the new home and convert a bathroom for her use and add on a sitting room for her). My brother and sister-in-law came and cleaned her things out to the point of taking hand towels and told us we could have what was on the dresser, which was old silk flower arrangements and other assorted crap. Those two siblings have never spoken to my gentle, sweet husband since the day we buried his mother 7 years ago.
It is so hard on everyone - and until you've lived it, you don't know how hard it can be. Know we are here for you - know that you aren't through with a very hard time, and someone will question every move you made in the end - but if your heart is pure and your intentions are true, you can sleep at night knowing you did the right thing. That's all we have to comfort ourselves with - Ma lived longer by being with us for a while than she would have otherwise, and she had a good life with us. You have done all you can do and there's no reason for you to feel guilty or that you didn't do enough...you have, but it's a disease you can't fight back on, it WILL eventually win.
I wish you the best - my heart hurts for you this morning. I think everyone caring for a parent eventually wonders if they did the right thing when they look back, but all you can do is the best you can do with the knowledge you have today and try not to beat yourself up tomorrow.
God bless you for taking care of your mom as long as you have and for sacrificing your own life...you've given her a great gift, but don't give so much that there is nothing left for your family. You have a teenager and husband who need you too - and it's hard to draw the line in the sand, but you have to think of your child's development and how he really needs his mom, particularly during this part of his life - they can get away from you so quickly.
As the only caregiver for my mother with Alzheimer's- well she has had a rough month. Memory seems worse- seems at times disoriented badly. Has an increasingly difficult time doing everyday things (which before she did poorly)
This disease is horrible. May we hope that sometime in the near future they can curb its advance and someday find a cure.
You're a good person for taking care of your mom. My mom also is worse after 4PM more so than during the day. There is no everyday task done by her now except she will use the restroom on her own. For that I am thankful.
And as far as your last comment.....well all I can say is AMEN. If they can't cure it then they should allow those of us who are sane now to determine what should be done should we end up with it. That is not living, a person just exist and don't even know it. It is so sad and heart breaking. I would like to see a cure but I know it won't be in my lifetime and I am a perfect candidate for the disease. My mother has it, two of her sisters had it and her mother had it.
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