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You're a good person for taking care of your mom. My mom also is worse after 4PM more so than during the day. There is no everyday task done by her now except she will use the restroom on her own. For that I am thankful.
And as far as your last comment.....well all I can say is AMEN. If they can't cure it then they should allow those of us who are sane now to determine what should be done should we end up with it. That is not living, a person just exist and don't even know it. It is so sad and heart breaking. I would like to see a cure but I know it won't be in my lifetime and I am a perfect candidate for the disease. My mother has it, two of her sisters had it and her mother had it.
That is so true. My father always had dignity and Alzheimers steals it from you 1 braincell at a time. He knew he wasn't right and he used his last brain cell begging me to kill him. He knew there was nothing worth living for in the future. I too wish there was something I could do now to indicate that when I am diagnosed, I just want an injection and gone gone.
I too wish there was something I could do now to indicate that when I am diagnosed, I just want an injection and gone gone.
Yeah, it just p's me off that an injection is okay for a criminal who should be suffering and those of us who have lived a law abiding life can't make that decision should we be dealt a bad hand. But we can choose to have life support unplugged or to not have it at all. Personally I don't see a difference. You may not need machines to keep you alive, but you do need other people.
We can schedule when to give birth, why not our death if diagnosed with a horrible disease that is killing you anyway?
SA - Please make sure your legal affairs are in order - have them double checked and have your brother and sister sign off on being informed. We did the handshake deal and then were accused of stealing her life savings (all of $40K, which we used to put in handicapped accessible items in the new home and convert a bathroom for her use and add on a sitting room for her). My brother and sister-in-law came and cleaned her things out to the point of taking hand towels and told us we could have what was on the dresser, which was old silk flower arrangements and other assorted crap. Those two siblings have never spoken to my gentle, sweet husband since the day we buried his mother 7 years ago.
It is so hard on everyone - and until you've lived it, you don't know how hard it can be. Know we are here for you - know that you aren't through with a very hard time, and someone will question every move you made in the end - but if your heart is pure and your intentions are true, you can sleep at night knowing you did the right thing. That's all we have to comfort ourselves with - Ma lived longer by being with us for a while than she would have otherwise, and she had a good life with us. You have done all you can do and there's no reason for you to feel guilty or that you didn't do enough...you have, but it's a disease you can't fight back on, it WILL eventually win.
I wish you the best - my heart hurts for you this morning. I think everyone caring for a parent eventually wonders if they did the right thing when they look back, but all you can do is the best you can do with the knowledge you have today and try not to beat yourself up tomorrow.
God bless you for taking care of your mom as long as you have and for sacrificing your own life...you've given her a great gift, but don't give so much that there is nothing left for your family. You have a teenager and husband who need you too - and it's hard to draw the line in the sand, but you have to think of your child's development and how he really needs his mom, particularly during this part of his life - they can get away from you so quickly.
Peace to your family.
Thanks for sharing your story. I know there will be problems with my brother, he has always been out for himself. My sister and I have worked together on this, although she has been the ring leader when it comes to the finances and I have been the caregiver. I'm not mad about that though. I am the baby and I have always been closer to our parents than either of my siblings. I put both my parents through hell as a teenager and I feel I owe my mom for that. I'm not worried if every one isn't happy, as long as I have a clear mind and know I did all I could for her not me! We aren't a very close family. I am actually closer to my husband's family than I am my own siblings.
Bless you and your husband for doing the right thing. It is very hard, but love manages to make it easier.
Thanks again for sharing and all the kind words. Take care.
I'm an emotional mess right now and I'm not sure which way to go. Maybe all of you can help me to better make up my mind.
As you all know, my mother is in the moderate stage of Alzhiemer's. She has been in this stage for a year.
Although she lives with me, my sister has had a hand in getting things in order. We have all of it taken care of except the selling of her home. That is underway, we are currently removing all items. We already have people interested, but we haven't had it appraised yet (we want to get it all cleaned up first). All of her other financial things are in order and although our mother is far from rich, she did manage to build a decent nest egg with bonds and insurance, so forth.
We also have a brother who has always been interested in himself and that is it. He hasn't seen our mother in 4 years and he calls once a year. He is now aware of the situation and his first move was to go to her home and tag the things he wants.
Anyway, here are my problems. My sister and I have been trying to locate a home that would be the same distance for her and I to travel to see Mom. One problem is that there are only 2 homes that cater to Alzhiemer's close to us. One is a 15 to 20 min drive for me and an hour for her, the other is closer to my sister with the drive times reversed. We felt that we needed to find a home now to get our mom on the list. Normally there aren't any openings right away. And I know that there is no way I could handle keeping her right up to the end. My heart can't handle the pain of watching her die.
The next problem is: My sister has been attending several seminars and talking with several people including doctors. They are telling her that it is best for the patient to be put in a home before they reach the final stage. The two doctors she has spoken to suggested that she go in a home now while she still has her social skills. They said that the patient becomes more acclimated and will be less likely to become violent in the final stage. That at this stage they require a set schedule for every thing in order to feel more assured of themselves. And they need to socialize with people their own age in order to reduce the depression. They also told her that the only reason most people don't put their loved one in a home earlier is because of the guilt they feel. All of this makes perfect sense to me on watching how Mom is and reacts to different things.
There is an opening at the home near my sister. She thinks we should go ahead and make plans to put her there within the next 3 months.
I'm the baby and I have always been closer to both our parents than my siblings. We even lived next door to them for the first 5 years of our marriage. I'm that child that can't let go, the one who feels that no one can take better care of her than me. And the one that feels so guilty for all the bad things I had done as a teenager that I feel I owe her for all the heartache. I'm the one who can't seem to let go, I can't help but to feel that I would be failing again as a daughter, although since we have moved her in and I keep battling depression due to her progression.
Both of my parent's moms were put in homes. My mother's mom had Alzhiemer's (which I didn't know due to my age) and she passed away (at 73, Mom turned 71 today) while living in a home. All I remember is that she always seemed so sad and she wasn't that way before going in. As a child I blamed being put in a home for her death, now I know different. My father's mother had been wheelchair bound all of my life. She had finally reached an age where she couldn't do for herself and she had requested going to a home. She to passed within 2 years of going. But she was happy to be around others her age and having people do for her.
I told my sister I would call the home close to her in the morning and setup an appointment to take Mom, let her look around with my sister while I have a conference with them.
My mind is telling me to go ahead and plan on putting her in one relatively soon. My heart is filled with sadness and I can't stop crying every time I think about it. I feel like that once she is there and I can't see her every day, that she will forget me even sooner. It almost feels like I'm planning her funeral although I know she needs interaction. She isn't happy here with me unless we are going somewhere where she can be with others (especially children). When we aren't constantly going she will say she's ready to go to her home.
I'm sorry that I have become so wordy. I do hope that each of you haven't grown too tired to give your opinion. I would appreciate knowing what you think you would do. The real issue for me isn't so much where as it is when.
Thank you in advance!
Hello- I don't know if you have a support group nearby for you to attend, but I have learned from those I attended. My wifes mom had dementia and was a tough women to handle, like you my wife was the youngest and felt she was the only one who could handle her mother. I think her sister was out of touch with what her mom needed but when it came to dealing with the issue she did not stand in the way and supported from afar. I was angree she did not do more in the beging. Her mom lived alone after her husband died; that was for about 10 years. She became more and more needy and then when we were making several trips for meanial things it became apparent that we had to move her in with us.
Thats when things got worse, she did not like everything here. She began to say things like I am leaving and would go out side and not knowing where to go would return after just going to the curb. Not long after she started to get violent. We ultimately put her in a retirement facility that had a section for dementia residents. She was there for about a year and a half before she passed. She never did socialize and fought it most of the time.
That was tough for my wife and she lost over 30lb and had to take angziety pills to help get through it.
Then there is my mother who is now 92 and was living with my mother for the last 10 years, my Dad passed 2 years ago. My mothers dementia was comming on for the last 3-4 years ago. My dad looked over at me and shook his head. I knew he knew she was having difficulties remembering.
It got to a point that my sister could no longer take care of my mom. We have found a place that is close for both of us. I see Mom 3 times a week and my sister see's her about 3 times a week. Though my sister can't always see her because of illness with lymphoma and a weak immune system.
My mom thinks that she can still come home some time but she is content to be there with others. She is normally social and has been so all her life. What I think is this. If your Mom is social she will be so after she makes the transiion; though it is important to find a place that has an activity director or person. That person needs to have skill beyond a normal caregiver. She needs to interact act with the residents. It makes a big difference. You also need to get a Power of attorney that gives you control including a durable power over health. Preferably befor she is diagnosed with dementia. Otherwise it may be invalid.
You and your sisters health and ability to visit your mom should be considered. I say that because one of you will have to drive an hour or so to see your mom. Also I don't think the power of attorney should require both of you to make a decision, it will be hard to deal with issues that need a decission or signature, so which ever is the closest to the home.
Your Mom may live for several years in a home, if you are more inclined to visit her and if you will feal the guilt more than your sister, you may want to make it easier for you to see her. I strongly reccomend a support group that you can attend and get information as well as support. We found one that is free and conducted by a sychiatrist? who has lost a mother and mother-inlaw with alzhiemers. He is a real help.
I hope there is something here that will make your decission esier. Lastly, check the places out without your mom tagging along so you can take your time. Talk to the activity person. Watch how the caregivers treat the other residents. You can't do that when your attention is on your mom.
Good luck and God Bless.
John
Is there anyone else out there that is or was the caregiver for one of their parents with Alzheimer's disease?
I am currently taking care of my mother. We discovered that it was not just her age a little over a year ago. We had to move her in with us about 3 mos. ago. She seems to be progressing so quickly and it scares me at times. I have a brother and a sister, but they live out of state and to be honest, her and I were always closer. I guess because I had lived beside her for many years. I made the choice to move her in, but now I need advice on how to deal and not go crazy myself in the process.
If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Plus it would be
nice to chat with someone who knows what I and she is going through. They
have groups here that you can go to, but I can't go anywhere without her. So I am reaching out here. Thanks in advance!
Not sure where you live and if your Mom has insurence that will cover Senior Day care. My Mom was on Scan and they covered a day care that would allow her to be dropped off at 9:00 am and picked up at 3:00pm for 3 days of the week. That allowed my sister some time for herself. Hope this information helps someone.
Is there anyone else out there that is or was the caregiver for one of their parents with Alzheimer's disease?
I am currently taking care of my mother. We discovered that it was not just her age a little over a year ago. We had to move her in with us about 3 mos. ago. She seems to be progressing so quickly and it scares me at times. I have a brother and a sister, but they live out of state and to be honest, her and I were always closer. I guess because I had lived beside her for many years. I made the choice to move her in, but now I need advice on how to deal and not go crazy myself in the process.
If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Plus it would be nice to chat with someone who knows what I and she is going through. They have groups here that you can go to, but I can't go anywhere without her. So I am reaching out here. Thanks in advance!
I can certainly relate. I am taking care of my mom (I am her caregiver). She does not have Alzheimer's disease but vascular dementia caused by transient ischemic attacks (mini-strokes). Fortunately, her dementia is progressing slowly; still it does take a lot of patience taking care of someone with this illness.
I have installed a gate with a latch at the top of the interior stairs so she can't wander throughout the house during the night (she is usually awake until 2:00 or 3:00 AM).
For me, the best way I deal with it is to be glad she is not in any pain and that she is able to stay in her own house. I refuse to put her in a nursing home. A nurse comes over 1-2 times per week for bathing purposes. I already know how to cook so I do that for both of us and I give her the meds she takes every day (which isn't that many).
I also secured all exterior doors so I can go out on errands (shopping, banking, etc) without worrying about her leaving the house.
I can certainly relate. I am taking care of my mom (I am her caregiver). She does not have Alzheimer's disease but vascular dementia caused by transient ischemic attacks (mini-strokes). Fortunately, her dementia is progressing slowly; still it does take a lot of patience taking care of someone with this illness.
I have installed a gate with a latch at the top of the interior stairs so she can't wander throughout the house during the night (she is usually awake until 2:00 or 3:00 AM).
For me, the best way I deal with it is to be glad she is not in any pain and that she is able to stay in her own house. I refuse to put her in a nursing home. A nurse comes over 1-2 times per week for bathing purposes. I already know how to cook so I do that for both of us and I give her the meds she takes every day (which isn't that many).
I also secured all exterior doors so I can go out on errands (shopping, banking, etc) without worrying about her leaving the house.
Caregivers want what is best for our parents or anyone for that matter. I think we need to be aware that we walk a fine line when it comes to caring for someone with dementia. As posted above "leaving someone with dementia home alone" can be dagerouse for them. You don't know when they may have a notion to do something they did before like liting a stove to warm something up, then all of a sudden forget what it was they were doing. Soon after a fire may be roaring. They may symply fall and need attention, or have a stroke where it critical to have attention sooner than later. I think you need to have supervision from someone at all times for the person that has dementia. Maybe not in the very early stages but soon they will need full time attention. I also think there is a legal point when you become at risk for leaving someone un-attended.
how do we convience my grandmother to move s of in with my mother when she is in the begining stages of Alzhiemers?
For the past year we have seen small things happening such as not remembering she had this bill or what she was going to do nothing major than 2 weeks ago she was confused of where she was going how she got there, where she lived who my mother was. they took her to the Dr. and he raan the blood test ct scan and placed her on the new drup airocept, she has steadily gotten worse better in the early mornings not o agreeable in the afternoon. I believe that she needs to move in with my mom they live right beside each other my grandmother is fighting this they can convience her when she has a doctors appoitment but that is all.
she smokes and i am afraid she will put out the cigarette out in the furniture or worse just throw it on the floor and the trailer will catch on fire.
as for sibiling help my mother has a brother in denial refuses to believe things are happening makes execuses for her ramblings. 2 other brothers seem to be ok and just wnat my grandmother to be cared for.
to no avail my mother can not convience her to give her power of attorney and her bills are very our of hand she does not know who any of the debtors are never pays them forgets them.
my mother is trying to do what she can but does not know how to make her move in and allow her to help her. she is accounting for everything she spends on my grandmother and has her money seperate.
my mother like many others feels as though she is the only one to care for my grandmother and i praise her for that, ,y father on the other hand is not easy my grandmother has been very rude to him over the years and I am not so sure that she will not become worse on him.
so my question is this, how do we convience her to move in and give my mother power of attorney, when the one son she believes says the gospel truth refuses to believe his mother has Alzhiemers???
my parents live in Alabama in the talladega area I live on the mississippi gulf coast I can only go to help a couple times a year, I feel like I need to be there to get things done such as moving furniture over to my moms getting safety concerns handled making sure that my mother has contact with a home health agency. I need to make sure that these issues are taken care of my mother is a diabetec and is not well herself a lot of the time. Because I was blessed enoug to be a home health tec for 4years and dealing with Alzheimers pateints most of that time I know a lot just not how to deal with the family issues of taking away the car and having her give up her own place!!!! if any one can help me I would appreciate it. thank you, kelly
I know what you are dealing with. I took care of my mother in my home for 4 1/2 years and I am now taking care of my husband in our home. Always take time for yourself and pray ever chance your get! Get the book A Bend in the Road by David Jeremiah. It's not easy so take one day at a time. You are in my prayers....Fran
I do not say caregiver, because for today she is still pretty much functioning ok.
Not driving anymore, per Dr's orders...
I have a companion come take her out a few days a week. I am with her on my days off work.
Spouse goes 2 times to spend with her.
She lives alone, her neighbors know of her condition.
She does not cook on stove, iron, smoke, or drink alcohol.
She does her own laundry, and is currently on Nutrisystem, lost 15 lbs so far.
But, she has been diagnosed.
I guess I am in a bit of denial, I want her to not get worse...
I have DPOA, and also keep close eye on her spending/bill paying and her well being.
She is on Aricept, and it has helped her to be more laid back, kinda like Valium?
Anyways, I hope she can live alone for a few more years.
The other thing is she has a black rug in front of her front hallway where her front door is.
I read that as AD progresses, they see the black rug as a hole and they will not cross it...anyone have experiences of this?
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how do we convience my grandmother to move s of in with my mother when she is in the begining stages of Alzhiemers?
