Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Any kids? If you have no kids, it might be time to consider a split. You only live once! If you have kids, wanting to move somewhere else isn't grounds for divorce IMO.
Have you considered the possibility that parents/ sister might at some time choose to move? Perhaps for a different climate.
We have moved twice since I retired 22 years ago.
potentially though i don't see her parents going very far.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ericsvibe
I hate to tell you, but your situation is very much like my brother in laws, and after 8 years of marriage, they are heading for a divorce. His wife grew up in NYC, has never left, has a large extended family there. She has a great job, but her job skills apply all over the U.S. (she is a senior member of HR at her employer.)
He doesn't have the career opportunities she does. He is an aviation mechanic and the big money there is working at a depot level maintenance facility for one of the big airlines. He has turned down 2 job offers in Dallas, TX already, both would have almost doubled his income. He is earning 40k a year, and as a family they are barely making it. They live in a family members basement, and pay over $2,000.00 a month in rent. They will never be able to purchase a home, or condo, living in NYC. It has started to really bother him that they have nothing except furniture that belongs to them. No vehicles, no property, nothing. It doesn't bother her, because her entire family lives this way, it is all that she knows. She is 34 years old and doesn't know how to drive.
To those that say, well he married her, your right. He did, he just never imagined that he would be spending the rest of his life living in her aunts basement because she is the only one in the family that has a home. Whenever he tries to bring up the subject, his wife goes off on him.
My family and I moved across the country for employment, and my wife wasn't happy at first. But over time the increased income made more things possible, and now she wouldn't want to move back next to her family.
I would only move if you had a rock solid opportunity available.
the only thing similar about our situation is that we're both apparently in NY.
My stepdaughter is like that. She's never moved away from her family. She has a young baby and her sister also has a baby boy a month younger. Since it's her first, she doesn't want to get too far away from her mom. My stepson could do better in another state, but he's just not going anywhere right now.
Well, actually I was a very willing and flexible spouse for several moves (5 moves between 2008 and 2014). And I truly enjoyed those first several moves. They got me out of my comfort zone (I had lived in the same general area for 47 years before meeting my now-husband). But I got to the point where enough was enough. I knew I didn't have another move in me. But hub's company wanted him to move again in 2017, to a place I had always said I never wanted to live. I was 100% opposed to it, but we moved there anyway, and it was a struggle for me to start all over again. Oh, career wise it was great for him, but I've learned that there is a high price to pay for those who climb the corporate ladder (and for their spouses).
But what was different between me and your wife, of course, is that I moved and moved and supported him and changed my job repeatedly. Never would I have said no from the beginning. And I don't think it's fair for her to closed-mindedly say "Well you knew before we got married that I didn't want to move, end of discussion," because life changes. It's hard to know at age 20-something what is going to work for the rest of your life. Things need to at least be able to be discussed.
BTW, we have recently moved AGAIN, this time out of the country. Lord, the things I do for the man I love.
those that have done it, how did it end up working out?
we currently live in NY and my spouse does not want to ever move any further than driving distance from her family (parents and sister).
i am somewhat the opposite and think in the "you only live once" mindset.
i don't think either stance is wrong per say, but i do find it disappointing (obviously not a dealbreaker as we had this discussion prior to marriage) that she isn't on the same wavelength.
i am curious if anyone else has faced similar situation and what the ultimate outcome was.
Years ago, I took a transfer to another State, and my wife said she would stay behind and move in a few months. I didn't want the family broken up, so when she was at work one day I had the movers come in and pack up the whole house. It was empty when she got home.
It was a long, silent drive to Florida. But she ended up loving it in the end. Sometimes you just have to make the tough decisions in life.
Can she take a "sabbatical" year and just have kind of a long vacation before actual move? As a "big city girl" I wooldn't, knowing what I know now, ever move from a big city to a smaller one. Especially from East to West coast. NY's vibe is unparalleled. But maybe you both will find somewhere things more valuable for you than that buzz.
Happy wife, happy life. I am kidding a bit when I say that, but there is a lot of truth to it. I moved for a military husband, I too knew the life I agreed to when I married. I only went to NC from NY, and I adjusted but I never loved it. You miss the support of family and friends.
Do you have kids or plan to? That also comes into play. Sounds like you have a free spirit and she is more of a home body. I too can agree with her side.
It sounds like a dealbreaker to me. There is no compromise here; either you move, or you don't. And one person is always going to be unhappy (and possibly resentful).
I'm like you; I don't want to stay in one place. Unfortunately, my life circumstances mean I have to. But that is why I would never get involved with someone again, because I don't want to feel tied down in case I did some day get to go elsewhere, and I would never ask someone to give up everything for me. I've had two relationships end because we both wanted different things from our lives, location-wise, and we each did what was right for us and unfortunately the things that were right for each of us weren't the same thing. I wouldn't have it any other way; a miserable and resentful significant other who's always wondering what might have been (and a person I love who does not get to live their best life) is not and never will be my relationship goal.
I've known people moving with unhappy spouses. I've known the unhappy spouses. I've known people who gave it all up to follow a spouse and were fearful at being completely dependent on this person, while the spouse felt trapped by this person who was completely dependent on them. (Most of these were international moves; not much chance for the trailing spouse to get a job, so they did literally give up all of their financial independence and security to do it.) I've known someone who gave up their own career advancement to follow a spouse... and were stuck at a low-level job when the spouse died. None of it sounds like a fun way to live.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne
Reluctant spouse here!
Well, actually I was a very willing and flexible spouse for several moves (5 moves between 2008 and 2014). And I truly enjoyed those first several moves. They got me out of my comfort zone (I had lived in the same general area for 47 years before meeting my now-husband). But I got to the point where enough was enough. I knew I didn't have another move in me. But hub's company wanted him to move again in 2017, to a place I had always said I never wanted to live. I was 100% opposed to it, but we moved there anyway, and it was a struggle for me to start all over again. Oh, career wise it was great for him, but I've learned that there is a high price to pay for those who climb the corporate ladder (and for their spouses).
But what was different between me and your wife, of course, is that I moved and moved and supported him and changed my job repeatedly. Never would I have said no from the beginning. And I don't think it's fair for her to closed-mindedly say "Well you knew before we got married that I didn't want to move, end of discussion," because life changes. It's hard to know at age 20-something what is going to work for the rest of your life. Things need to at least be able to be discussed.
BTW, we have recently moved AGAIN, this time out of the country. Lord, the things I do for the man I love.
But he DID know. If you know what someone is like, or they tell you what they are like or what they want, take that at face value. Never assume someone will change; you'll often end up disappointed (this is how a lot of relationships go bad). She said she never wanted to move, he agreed to that. He can't change the game halfway through. Yes, life changes, and they did discuss it, and she said "No, I still don't want to move."
Did your husband ever "open-mindedly" consider NOT moving, for your sake? Or were you always the one who was "being supportive" and putting aside what you wanted for him?
OP here just want to clarify and add some more color.
1. the #1 and #2 things keeping here are family and job.
family thing i cannot argue or battle or even come up with a legit compromise. being near family, especially in a tight knit one, IS great and i do agree with her there. the job component is also a difficult win as she's a teacher in a solid district making very good (for a teacher) money.
that said, because of her profession she has MANY vacations (including all summer) that align with a child's. it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to say that she could take a handful of trips back and forth to see family and vice versa given all of the "off time".
1. a) due to us likely trying for a child this year, she is even more hesitant to consider a big move.
again, totally understandable. having family nearby makes having a child much, much easier not to mention the grief i am sure we'd get from her side if we were to up and move with a newborn. for this reason one of my "compromises" was to say that we wouldn't even consider a big move until the child was at least 2-3 years old. this would give both sets of grandparents a few years to be with said child and then we could reconsider.
2. because of how well she's compensated and due to some career pivots in my trajectory, we make similar money (i more than her) but my ceiling is quite a bit higher.
my profession is easily transferable across industries and companies. we're in the NY region now where there is no shortage of jobs but is very HCOL (our country just got ranked as having the highest property taxes in the country) and any semblance of affordability means moving an uncomfortable commuting distance from anywhere in the job hubs. most people commuting into Manhattan have a 1hr+ commute each way. that is a non-starter for me.
anyway, at the end of the day my love for her trumps where we live. i could very well be in a grass is greener mindset but i will live with the "what if?" if we stay put for good. i will reiterate that this wouldn't cause resentment on my end and i would never forcefully make a move unless it was 100% necessary for our survival. i do wish i could come up with a better
rationale or a few more points to maybe ease her mind or at least get her to ponder it.
thanks all for the helpful responses!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
