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My husband and I both got laid off in October. My company was willing to relocate us to the new office 2000 miles away. They offered as a relocation package the same as my severance $$ amount (which is pretty generous in this economy). We accepted and have found a house to rent, checked out the schools, etc.
The problem is my husband really seems depressed. I know this is natural under the circumstances. Moving to a strange area, losing his job, the uncertainty of the future is all hard. However, he keeps saying things like, "This move is killing me inside." I wake up in the middle of the night to find him crying in bed (This man NEVER cries). He says he doesn't trust his own mind anymore. So all decision making is laid at my feet and I am still working full time. He is usually the most organized, intelligent person, now he forgets things all the time.
I know part of it is moving so far away from his parents and taking the grandkids away from them. He feels an enormous amount of guilt for that. And his parents are AWESOME. Best in-laws/parents/grandparents EVER.
However, my feeling is that we have to do what we have to do to survive. I really don't see any jobs popping up around here. I just don't think we have any other choice, especially this far into the process. Am I being insensitive? Should I just call the whole thing off and hope for the best? I'm afraid that if I do that and we DON'T find jobs here locally, I will end up with a lot of resentment toward him.
Have you asked him what if he wants to call it off and if so, can you come up with a plan together to work things out where you are? You aren't being insensitive and it is totally understandable that you need to go where the job is...but what happens if you get laid off from this job also? Are there better opportunities where you will be relocated to or will you be in the same boat again?
You said you will get severance if you don't relocate. Is it enough to last while you both look for new jobs? What about his parents? Can they help?
It sounds to me like he IS depressed, and could benefit from some counseling. Not that he doesn't have very good reason to be, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need an objective third party to talk to and work things out himself. The big clue for me is him saying he doesn't trust his own mind any more - I've been there and it's a scary place to be, but I did come out the other side, with help, and he will, too. It's just REALLY hard to see that at the time.
That being said, what about job opportunities for him where you're relocating to?
You and I, we need to trade girl!! My husband is itching to move, and I really don't want to. But seriously, what a dilemma for you. You are being practical job-wise, and this is hard when you don't have cooperation. Leaving a loving family is the worst. I wish I could offer you sound advice, but I really don't know. I hope you find wisdom on here. The Best to you and your family.
Have you asked him what if he wants to call it off and if so, can you come up with a plan together to work things out where you are? You aren't being insensitive and it is totally understandable that you need to go where the job is...but what happens if you get laid off from this job also? Are there better opportunities where you will be relocated to or will you be in the same boat again?
You said you will get severance if you don't relocate. Is it enough to last while you both look for new jobs? What about his parents? Can they help?
Actually, I had to give up the severance to accept the new position. Now, if I back out, I get nothing. I just wish I knew how he felt before we took this step. Now it's too late.
There are more jobs in the area we are moving to. And my company is trying to help him find something, but they can't make any guarantees.
I have encouraged him to get counseling, but he says he is too busy with looking for a job and making arrangements for our move.
Is there anything I should be doing. I keep having to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling him to "Snap out of it!" I know that would not be helpful or productive. I try to be a good listener and compassionate. But I feel so helpless.
Well, then I guess it's too late and I agree with THL that he should get some help to deal with this. There are too many things happening to him at one time. If you don't see any way for you to survive where you are, then it's pretty much out of your hands. It stinks that things have to work out like this. I don't find it particularly fair.
The problem is my husband really seems depressed. I know this is natural under the circumstances. Moving to a strange area, losing his job, the uncertainty of the future is all hard. However, he keeps saying things like, "This move is killing me inside." I wake up in the middle of the night to find him crying in bed (This man NEVER cries). He says he doesn't trust his own mind anymore. So all decision making is laid at my feet and I am still working full time. He is usually the most organized, intelligent person, now he forgets things all the time.
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He no longer is the MAIN breadwinner and supporter of his family. That CAN cause a lot of men to get very depressed. He does need to talk to someone. If he won't go to couseling talk to his dad and see if he can talk him thru it right now. With the holidays see if there is a chance for him and his dad to have some 1 on 1 time for a day or two. Go fishing, hunting, hiking, whatever it is that is a mutual interest for them that would be without any day to day interuptions. They would get to spend some quality time together bonding before they are so far apart AND maybe his dad can relate a similiar time he had at some point. Where he himself felt "less of a man" or something and had to rely on "mom" to get him through the tough time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl
Actually, I had to give up the severance to accept the new position. Now, if I back out, I get nothing. I just wish I knew how he felt before we took this step. Now it's too late.
There are more jobs in the area we are moving to. And my company is trying to help him find something, but they can't make any guarantees.
Then it looks like unless a job appears real soon for the both of you that the move is the best option.
I was going to suggest you contact someone w/in your company to help in this area. Only thing is with the signs of depression I'd avoid being "the one" that helped him get a job. He needs to feel like he is the one in control of something right now. Something substantial that makes him feel like he is contributing a great deal to the family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl
I have encouraged him to get counseling, but he says he is too busy with looking for a job and making arrangements for our move.
Is there anything I should be doing. I keep having to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling him to "Snap out of it!" I know that would not be helpful or productive. I try to be a good listener and compassionate. But I feel so helpless.
Sounds like your doing a good job and a LOT better than most would in the same position. I remember growing up my dad being laid off and trying to find a job. Sometimes the only opening was in another city and/or state. Dad would have to go live there in a motel for awhile and everytime was lucky enough to get on back "at home". But during those times it was always tough. I can look back now and see there were times my dad was depressed during those times. He was the breadwinner and financial supporter of the family. It was his burden and he felt like he was letting us all down. It has to be tough on them. They were brought up being taught that was their role and doing anything else was a failure. This is why he needs to talk to SOMEONE. That way he can find out he is not the only person/man that has ever had to be in this position. If he is really close w/ his dad then talking to him like mentioned earlier might be of tremendous help.
My husband and I both got laid off in October. My company was willing to relocate us to the new office 2000 miles away. They offered as a relocation package the same as my severance $$ amount (which is pretty generous in this economy). We accepted and have found a house to rent, checked out the schools, etc.
The problem is my husband really seems depressed. I know this is natural under the circumstances. Moving to a strange area, losing his job, the uncertainty of the future is all hard. However, he keeps saying things like, "This move is killing me inside." I wake up in the middle of the night to find him crying in bed (This man NEVER cries). He says he doesn't trust his own mind anymore. So all decision making is laid at my feet and I am still working full time. He is usually the most organized, intelligent person, now he forgets things all the time.
I know part of it is moving so far away from his parents and taking the grandkids away from them. He feels an enormous amount of guilt for that. And his parents are AWESOME. Best in-laws/parents/grandparents EVER.
However, my feeling is that we have to do what we have to do to survive. I really don't see any jobs popping up around here. I just don't think we have any other choice, especially this far into the process. Am I being insensitive? Should I just call the whole thing off and hope for the best? I'm afraid that if I do that and we DON'T find jobs here locally, I will end up with a lot of resentment toward him.
Help!
It is emasculating to any man to be incapable of supporting his family. If you move you are simply reinforcing this not only to him but to his entire family. Small wonder he is crying.
I cannot believe, for the life of me that there are no jobs where you live. Please. Even if you BOTH have to get two lower paying jobs to survive, I certainly would not put my husband through this. What he has been through already is hard enough. Sell your house and cars and all that useless STUFF that is sitting in your over-priced garage and simplify your life. Give him back his pride at being the breadwinner again. Make him feel like your hero.
20yrsinBranson
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My company was willing to relocate us to the new office 2000 miles away. They offered as a relocation package the same as my severance $$ amount (which is pretty generous in this economy). We accepted and have found a house to rent, checked out the schools, etc. 
