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It seems like our society is becoming more and more permissive of having children outside of marriage. For mothers under 30 years old, over 50% of children are now born outside of marriage. What used to be mainly a "minority problem" is now affecting much of the country. We all know the dreadful statistics for those children born outside of marriage: more likely to stay or fall into the lower socioeconomic classes, more likely to have fractured families, more like to perform poorly in school or go into crime.
How should the grandparents who raised their own children under marriage approach this? Many just shrug it off as a sign of the times and try to be supportive. But is it really that inevitable? Among the rich (non-celebrity) and upper middle class, the out of wedlock birth rate is still very low. It's almost like the lower and middle classes are self-destructing and easy-going attitudes of tolerance from the grandparents may in fact be worsening the situation.
How do you not approve and yet be supportive so you don't lose your children and grandchildren?
Just like you do with any other choice your adult child makes regarding rearing your grandchildren. Surely you never imagined there would be 100% overlap with your beliefs and decision and your child's, did you?
Look, your adult child knows where you stand. Right? If not, then you blew it when you had your chance to let them know. That's no ones problem but yours, and you have to live with it. If they know your stance, and went another way, then that's that. For you to continue to express your disapproval would be obnoxious and would accomplish nothing, unless you hope to have them marry just to end your disapproval. Hopefully, you do not perceive marriage to be some elixir that will provide benefits no matter how you manipulate someone into it.
Besides, it would matter little if they married at this point. Problems with unmarried couples are more matters of correlation than causation. Changing the correlation by coercing them to marry through the perpetual expression of disapproval would do little if anything to alter your grandchild's development, or to change the dynamics of the pair-bond between your child and their partner.
If you want to enhance your grandchild's formative years, have a positive and accepting relationship with your adult child and his/her partner.
As for expressing your disapproval of your child's choice to your grandchildren, don't. Just don't.
Wow...pretty certain of yourself. Of course, your last sentence explains how you would resolve this issue, but perhaps others in your family, including your children, have their own solutions. It may not be inevitable, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen even in the best of families.
Actually, I am certain of myself and of my children. My family is not the "best" but we have entrenched values concerning this issue. We are however, a certain social class where the occurrence of this event is miniscule. It has nothing to do with money, or religion.
It's unacceptable to my family, and to the nuclear families of all of my relatives and close friends.
It's not a choice. It's TABU. Contrary to values.
Not only that, my children do not have friends and acquaintances who think this is OK. My children have dreams. Dreams of education, travel, intellectual attainment and personal growth. Their friends share these dreams. They date people who do.
My children's solutions, if they were to be raped (because that is pretty much how such a thing would have to occur; would be to use RU-486, in the case of my daughter. My son does not date sexually active woman who are not on the birth control pill. He does not associate with young woman who want babies before marriage.
There is nothing special about my family. Any family can teach their children that out of wedlock pregnancies are not acceptable and have dire consequences, to their lives, and to society.
I'll add, it can work in any family, but not if this value is introduced at 15. It's a life long process. And it includes modeling. Attending schools, camps and places of worship where this does not occur.
An understanding of the impact of unplanned teenage pregnancy is essential to planning and living a live that includes this value and accepts this tabu.
Actually, I am certain of myself and of my children. My family is not the "best" but we have entrenched values concerning this issue. We are however, a certain social class where the occurrence of this event is miniscule. It has nothing to do with money, or religion.
It's unacceptable to my family, and to the nuclear families of all of my relatives and close friends.
It's not a choice. It's TABU. Contrary to values.
Not only that, my children do not have friends and acquaintances who think this is OK. My children have dreams. Dreams of education, travel, intellectual attainment and personal growth. Their friends share these dreams. They date people who do.
My children's solutions, if they were to be raped (because that is pretty much how such a thing would have to occur; would be to use RU-486, in the case of my daughter. My son does not date sexually active woman who are not on the birth control pill. He does not associate with young woman who want babies before marriage.
There is nothing special about my family. Any family can teach their children that out of wedlock pregnancies are not acceptable and have dire consequences, to their lives, and to society.
I'll add, it can work in any family, but not if this value is introduced at 15. It's a life long process. And it includes modeling. Attending schools, camps and places of worship where this does not occur.
An understanding of the impact of unplanned teenage pregnancy is essential to planning and living a live that includes this value and accepts this tabu.
You only have control over yourself, not anyone else. You can model all you want. That doesn't mean accidents can't happen. You say taboo, some may say intolerance. You sound extremely judgmental, and very sure of yourself over something you really have no control over.
You only have control over yourself, not anyone else. You can model all you want. That doesn't mean accidents can't happen. You say taboo, some may say intolerance. You sound extremely judgmental, and very sure of yourself over something you really have no control over.
I am judgmental about this issue.
By judgmental, I do not mean that I think that teens who make this mistake are inferior people or should be shunned.
However, I would not be celebrating their baby shower, or he birth of their child. Not if they are unmarried and teenagers. Or either one of those.
Accidents really do not have to happen. There is birth control. I don't understand the issue here.
Teenage pregnancy destroys the fabric of American culture and society. As the OP said, there are Americans who have rejected this as a possibility for their children.
Children, taught early; incorporate our views.
Sadly, we can teach our children to be racist. Or, to be not racist.
My children have been raised to be not racist.
They have also been raised to not accept teenage unwed parenthood as normal. They are not alone.
By judgmental, I do not mean that I think that teens who make this mistake are inferior people or should be shunned.
However, I would not be celebrating their baby shower, or he birth of their child. Not if they are unmarried and teenagers. Or either one of those.
Accidents really do not have to happen. There is birth control. I don't understand the issue here.
Teenage pregnancy destroys the fabric of American culture and society. As the OP said, there are Americans who have rejected this as a possibility for their children.
Children, taught early; incorporate our views.
Sadly, we can teach our children to be racist. Or, to be not racist.
My children have been raised to be not racist.
They have also been raised to not accept teenage unwed parenthood as normal. They are not alone.
Younknow birth control is not 100% effective right? Yes, accidents do happen. Yes, some teens are irresponsible, yes, even some responsible teens from the best homes makes mistakes. You can reject the possibility all you want, it is still a possibility.
Marriage is an artificial construct. A kid has a mom and a dad and grandparents in varying constellations. A silly certificate for tax reasons or some outdated superstition really should not matter.
Marriage is an artificial construct. A kid has a mom and a dad and grandparents in varying constellations. A silly certificate for tax reasons or some outdated superstition really should not matter.
Yes. It is a societal construct.
I have no issue with two 30 year old university graduates with professions, decide to have a baby together with out being married. I have no idea why they would. There are issues of taxes and inheritance that marriage assists - at least in this country.
Because of the societal constructs in existence that promote financial stability, I'm not sure why any mature couples would not decide to marry.
My issue is with children (i.e. people under the age of majority) becoming pregnant by accident, how it effects the children involved; and society as a whole.
There may be individual teens who have the ability to raise children successfully in the modern world. However, they are few and far between. Too many people make excuses for this kind of behavior and are guilty of enabling it. If these teens can't prevent pregnancy through birth control or abortion than more ought to be placing their babies for adoption with responsible couples who have a marriage, a job, and some means to support themselves.
There are too many babies being supported by Uncle Sam. There are too many grandparents who stand by and let Medicaid pay for the delivery of a grandchild and all their medical expenses thereafter. Teen mothers may be the most heavily subsidized group in this country by the welfare system if we include TANF, food stamps, housing allowances, special schools for teen mothers, and medicaid. Too few extended families step forward and pay these expenses on their own.
The notion that marriage is not necessary and is only an "artificial constraint" is a dangerous and harmful notion. Marriage stands for stability and respectability by the community. These are things that young children need to thrive. The example that movie stars have set for this country is perhaps the worst thing of all. They can afford to parent a child without the monetary, social, and psychological support of a spouse. Most young mothers are not similarly situated and learn the wrong lessons reading about these stars.
Grandparents would do their grandchildren the greatest favor of all in many cases by strongly pushing adoption at their children and refusing to enable their bad behavior.
^^^ These are my thoughts. Most teenagers are ill equipped to handle raising children.
There are other options. Adoption happens to be my favorite, followed by the morning after pill.
There are certain sectors of society that continue to disprove of unwed parenting. The upper middle class is one.
I have no peers or relatives who have grand children born out of wedlock.
Sometimes social norms, or constructs are formed out of common sense. I think the idea of marriage first, children second might fall under that category.
My wife also has an acquaintance who is working class. She has severe economic problems and yet jokes every so often that she wonders if any of her children are going to give her a "grandbaby" any time soon.
She has three kids, late teens to early twenties. Only one is in high school. One dropped out of a trade school and the other does not do much.
How this woman would "help" any of these young people to raise their children - when she has not yet done that herself?
She is white, and a self proclaimed born again Christian. Yet a houseful of sexually active young people does not seem to bother her. I'm confused.
I am politically centrist and if anything, left leaning. I still think that marriage is the best way to raise children.
Kids need loving involved parents which has nothing to do with marriage.
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Of course, your last sentence explains how you would resolve this issue, but perhaps others in your family, including your children, have their own solutions. It may not be inevitable, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen even in the best of families.
