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Even so, it is possible for two people to be compatible, but over time grow apart as their interest diverge.
It's not just possible, it's almost certain, unless they take deliberate steps all along the way to maintain compatibility.
Long ago, when people rarely moved from their place of birth and news of other places came only by word of mouth or newsprint, a couple could ignore each other, but their interests didn't change much over time.
Today, it is inevitable that people will change over time, and their interests will diverge unless they work at maintaining common interests.
Too often, the only common interest they maintain is the children...and when the children leave, there goes their only common interest.
But the fact is that as human beings, we are not controlled by instinct. We can like what we want to like.
Two partners in a household can choose to develop the same interests, and it will benefit them in the long run.
No; it’s not realistic to expect marriage to last a lifetime; given that our marriage “customs” (which are relatively brand new in the context of human history) are so ... unrealistic.
Marriage, up until maybe the last 150 years; was done in a manner that benefited your family & community.
Marriage now; is seen as something that’s all about you: Who you want, based on what you want in a spouse, when you want & how you want.
That IS somewhat unrealistic; in that nobody is the same person at age 50, as they were at age 25. Your values & the traits you value in others change. You will likely look at a spouse chosen for certain attributes (looks, lifestyle, money, etc) years down the road & think “Who ARE you?”
Previously, it would be seen as selfish & even narcissistic to wait until you were “ready” because bonds needed strengthened, lands needed to be merged, heirs needed to be born & communities needed to become viable. The “it’s MY big day” theme of the wedding day would be seen as horribly irresponsible.
Marriage as a “due” meant a person understood at some level; that you didn’t just hurt your spouse, yourself or your children should that marriage dissolve; it meant weakening your community & that would likely not be seen as very honorable, no matter which country or ethnicity you belonged to.
Now; it’s all about you. Make yourself happy by marrying ... make yourself happy by walking away.
You show a very good understanding and sense of reality, about the changing framework of marriage. If you look at natural societies, of which only a few still survive, marriage and long-term pair-bonding hardly existed, until large-scale civilization swept across the world.
Margaret Mead's "Coming of Age in Samoa" describes the way children were conceived and raised there in the 1920s, when they were still mostly untouched by the outside world. The whole tribe raised each child, with the mother playing only a minor role and the father was usually unknown for certain. Our forebears were probably much like that, everywhere, in pre-historical times.
But they're hardly "the exception" even if 50% of marriages end in divorce, and I believe I've seen some stats that show the divorce rate is decreasing. At 50%, half of all marriages succeed.
Statistics also show the marriage rate is decreasing so it makes sense that the divorce rate would decrease if the lesser committed are just not getting married in the first place.
But they're hardly "the exception" even if 50% of marriages end in divorce, and I believe I've seen some stats that show the divorce rate is decreasing. At 50%, half of all marriages succeed.
What the overall average rate down is the much higher rate of divorces in subsequent marriages.
When you remove "second and subsequent marriages," the average success rate of first-time marriages is 60%.
When you start removing known negative factors, such as married-too-young, financially stressed, uneducated, the success rate of first-time marriages gets up to 70%.
My family is oddly counter to the trend that second marriages are even more likely to fail than first ones. All 4 of my siblings and I were divorced from our first spouses within 8-18 years, but have been, or will be, with their second spouses until death. My first marriage lasted 10 years, in my second we are at 23 years and will be in it until the end (I'm 59, he's 65). All my other siblings are very happy in their 2nd marriages after many years (30+, 20+, and 10+) and will not be breaking up at all.
Mine and my wife's marriage is at 27 years and will be to the end. I am 61; she is 57.
My inlaws separated in 1963, divorced some time thereafter and ironically each remarried in 1971. Her mother's remarriage was ended by her 2015 death. Her father's is still ongoing. My mother's marriage was ended by death in 1973, after almost 18 years of marriage. Her 1974 remarriage was ended by her husband's death after 39 years.
A dysfunctional relationship is exactly that: dysfunctional.
If you have a dysfunctional dating relationship, then moving in together does not eliminate the dysfunction, it simply takes the dysfunctional relationship to a new level.
Getting married doesn't magically eliminate the dysfunction, either.
You have women in a dysfunctional relationship, married or not, who think that having a child will fix the dysfunctional relationship. It doesn't. I just adds a child to the dysfunction (and ruins the child guaranteeing another dysfunctional relationship in the Future).
Living together only works in the absence of dysfunction, because then the focus becomes compatibility.
Still, there are certain issues that cannot be resolved.
A couple is living together, the man doesn't want children, the woman does, so she gets pregnant. Now the man is miserable and the woman is happy, but the relationship ultimately fails, whether they get married or not.
Or the man wants children and the woman doesn't, but she has a child to make him happy, and he is, but she is miserable, and that relationship will ultimately fail, whether they marry or not.
If career is an issue, and a woman gives up her career to please her man, then she's miserable the rest of her life, and that relationship will ultimately fail, too, whether they marry or not.
If we're talking about minor issues like Coke or Pepsi, Kraft mayonnaise or Hellman's mayonnaise, Italian or Chinese, or country versus city living, those issues can be resolved through compromise, and the relationship will succeed, barring any other major issues.
All relationships of any kind are successful when compatibility exists. Incompatibility or dysfunction destroys the relationship.
Even so, it is possible for two people to be compatible, but over time grow apart as their interest diverge.
I think you are refuting a different opinion than the thought expressed in my post.
It's not just possible, it's almost certain, unless they take deliberate steps all along the way to maintain compatibility.
It's not "almost certain." Just because relationships are difficult for you does not mean relationships are difficult for everyone.
There have been Millions of marriages where the relationship was not dysfunctional, where both parties were emotionally and psychologically healthy, and they were compatible, and they never expended a single ounce of energy to make the marriage work.
It just happened that way. It was a perfectly natural fit for them.
I'm sure some people do have to "work at it" but then those people aren't inherently compatible, they just have a veneer of compatibility.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
I think you are refuting a different opinion than the thought expressed in my post.
You said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
Years ago, religious teachers told us that living together did not produce better marriages. This is so counterintuitive, I did not believe it.
It is not counter-intuitive. Living together does not eliminate dysfunction in a relationship and it does not make incompatible people compatible, nor does it make compatible people more compatible.
Living together does nothing except satisfy an immediate psychological or emotional need.
It's not "almost certain." Just because relationships are difficult for you does not mean relationships are difficult for everyone.
There have been Millions of marriages where the relationship was not dysfunctional, where both parties were emotionally and psychologically healthy, and they were compatible, and they never expended a single ounce of energy to make the marriage work.
It just happened that way. It was a perfectly natural fit for them.
I'm sure some people do have to "work at it" but then those people aren't inherently compatible, they just have a veneer of compatibility.
I think you're responding to someone else.
But I'd dispute that they did nothing to keep their relationship alive and compatible.
A husband discovers a book he likes. He can read it in solitude or he can say, "Hey, honey, I loved this book--why don't you try it?"
A wife can discover a peaceful glade to sit in on warm mornings. She can choose to go there alone or she can say, "Hey, honey, I found this wonderful spot to just sit and commune with nature--want to come with me?"
They simply didn't consider what they were doing a hardship.
no
marriage should have term limits with renewal options
both parties should maintain ability to self provide should the renewal not be done
I would never marry a woman these days who was a stay at home mom with no education or training...women want equality...they need to get degrees and skills to bring to the table...
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