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Thank you for your comments. My husband was the cook, too.....way better than me. Our deal was he would cook, I would clean up. He spoiled me rotten! Then, the last 5 years, when he was unable to go to the kitchen, I "learned" to cook all over again, and got to be pretty good. He loved to eat. Now, going to the grocery store is painful, for I see things that I would have fixed for him/us, and now he is not here to enjoy it. I fix small things for myself, but sure miss cooking for him.
I do have some wonderful friends and neighbors, most of them busy with their own lives. I am sure the opportunity will present itself to go out for a meal with a friend, and I look forward to that.
I know all this takes time. Some days I think this is all just a dream, that he really can't be gone. It's so hard to put into words, but those of you that have been there know what I mean.
Although we grieve there's a feel of peace and quiet acceptance from the posters in this thread. Think how different the state of mind of the posters would be if their long term marriages had ended in divorce instead. We still can still feel the love from our companion who died. We still love them.
I still have her; our love never died. Be sad, grieve, cry. But keep in mind that we're the fortunate ones; the sad and bitter products of divorce are not.
Three years after I met her this song came out and made me think of her. I'd listen to it and if she came into the room she'd smile, sometimes wink etc. Sometimes I'd go for years without hearing it but I'd come back to it because it was my song for her. The night of her funeral I was home alone with our pets; I must have played it fifty times. I cried and felt my loss but I also remembered what we'd had for so long.-
My condolences to you, Happy. That is a sweet song.
Thank you for acknowleding what I think most of us feel and try to do here. In giving words of "comfort", we are trying to not only heal ourselves but others also.
My condolences to you, Happy. That is a sweet song.
Thank you for acknowleding what I think most of us feel and try to do here. In giving words of "comfort", we are trying to not only heal ourselves but others also.
Of course we do it to comfort ourselves; we need that comfort. We need make no apology. It doesn't matter how long it's been (almost seven years for me).
It's pleasant as well to be on a thread with no controversey. We didagree, sometimes very strongly about where and what kind of housing, about how we invest, and certainly about politics. But here we're all the same. Hurting is hurting; it's the same for everyone.
For me personally I find just knowing that I am not alone in how I feel and grieve. We can help those that are just beginning a journey we never wanted to be on especially alone.
Although we grieve there's a feel of peace and quiet acceptance from the posters in this thread. Think how different the state of mind of the posters would be if their long term marriages had ended in divorce instead.
Listen to it and think of a teeenage boy in love with a teenage girl. Then think of an old man who's still in love with that girl.
Good point re divorce. The loss of a relationship/marriage can be very painful indeed. If a following one is successful, this seems to become even clearer to me.
I have very pleasant recollections of the Hyland song, though for different reasons.
I was typing away and thought my post was not proper in Markg's thread although someone got me to type. (Goooood short term memory here! NOT.) So I copied and am going to continue spilling my guts because that is what this place is for...
Although I knew hubby was terminal the 2nd time around, I don't think I stopped to consider life without him. I was too busy working and trying not step on the eggshells he had strewn in my path.
I could not talk about it unless he started the conversation. I could not cry, it made him angry. Most of the time I avoided talking to him. I don't know what he was feeling. He wouldn't talk about it. As he progressed I think he was angry because anything would set him off and it was anger I could hear/sense. But he insisted on trying to be the "big, tough man" he had always been. He had lots of regrets. That's probably what was making him angry. (Remember the song "He's Not a Rebel"?) He was worried about me and being alone with my MS with no one to help me anymore. I kept trying to assure him I would survive. He was sad too.
IDK how he did it....staying alive until it was his time. I might have killed myself to put myself out of my misery because he was in MISERY and PAIN. The day he went into Hospice I even had thought about giving him too much pain killer. He had chopped up many pain killers, much more than he ever had and I thought about adding to it but then he had his two accidents and he was whisked away to Hospice. It wasn't until he had passed a few days earlier that I took the pill crusher and emptied it into the trash. The thought was there to finish them all off myself but I'm too chicken and I don't really think I could do it unless I were in his position. Even then I know it is the #1 mortal sin. Thou Shalt Not Kill. I think that pertains to one's self also. So, here I am.
I was typing away and thought my post was not proper in Markg's thread although someone got me to type. (Goooood short term memory here! NOT.) So I copied and am going to continue spilling my guts because that is what this place is for...
Although I knew hubby was terminal the 2nd time around, I don't think I stopped to consider life without him. I was too busy working and trying not step on the eggshells he had strewn in my path.
I could not talk about it unless he started the conversation. I could not cry, it made him angry. Most of the time I avoided talking to him. I don't know what he was feeling. He wouldn't talk about it. As he progressed I think he was angry because anything would set him off and it was anger I could hear/sense. But he insisted on trying to be the "big, tough man" he had always been. He had lots of regrets. That's probably what was making him angry. (Remember the song "He's Not a Rebel"?) He was worried about me and being alone with my MS with no one to help me anymore. I kept trying to assure him I would survive. He was sad too.
IDK how he did it....staying alive until it was his time. I might have killed myself to put myself out of my misery because he was in MISERY and PAIN. The day he went into Hospice I even had thought about giving him too much pain killer. He had chopped up many pain killers, much more than he ever had and I thought about adding to it but then he had his two accidents and he was whisked away to Hospice. It wasn't until he had passed a few days earlier that I took the pill crusher and emptied it into the trash. The thought was there to finish them all off myself but I'm too chicken and I don't really think I could do it unless I were in his position. Even then I know it is the #1 mortal sin. Thou Shalt Not Kill. I think that pertains to one's self also. So, here I am.
tamizinluv, my heart goes out to for all the pain you are feeling. You and I have so very much in common. My husband was a big strapping truck driver, 6'6" and 250. To see him reduced to being bedridden was so hard for me to see, so hard for him to accept. We talked about his condition and the future, yet I don't know if I ever heard all that was in his heart. He often told me that he had lived a good life and he was ready to go, but the suffering he had (10% lung function) kept him depressed. He showed me how to do things around the house, as I know he was preparing me for the time when I was alone.
I don't know if you are a Christian or not (we are/were), but God has a plan for each of our lives. I prayed everyday that God would not let him suffer.....not for him to get better, because that was not possible....just don't let him suffer. For reasons that I will not understand, he suffered up to the end, but at least he died in his sleep, in his own bed at home. That is what he would have wanted, I am sure of that.
I know that God has a new plan for my life, although I am not sure of what it is. I pray everyday for guidance and direction, and having faith in Him is all I can do. I know He has a plan for your life, too. Please keep posting here and reaching out and let's all work through this together. We are learning how to start over with the rawest of emotion eating away at us. I guess we need to give it some time, at least that's what everyone tells me. I think it's ok to feel any way you want to. Just remember I am here for you.
(((HUGS))), Thanks, tn. That's what I needed, someone to TALK to me. This having no one to talk to sometimes drives me up a wall. I don't care that it's in cyberspace, I actually like talking in cyberspace, you can have all the "pregnant pauses" you want! My mind is starting to slow down and it's getting uncomfortable for me to speak face to face because my brain doesn't want to work as fast as my mouth does now. (the MS)
Thanks again for reaching out to me. I feel so much better. I can now go put my birds to bed and watch tv.
Oh, btw, have you checked out the Nature forum? I like it! I love animals except for snakes, insects and reptiles. Check out the squirrel video! That'll make you smile.
Good night now and I hope we are not breaking any rules by talking in this thread. Sam are we??
Although I knew hubby was terminal the 2nd time around, I don't think I stopped to consider life without him. I was too busy working and trying not step on the eggshells he had strewn in my path.
Thanks for saying that, because I was the same way. After four months of chemo didn't slow the growth of the metastases on my husband's liver, I should have just quit work and spent time with him. But we were referred to another oncologist who told us there were still some chemicals we could throw at the tumors, and we relaxed a little -- although by that time my husband's abdomen was starting to swell because his liver was beginning to fail. I kept on working, he kept on doing what he could around the house, and life went on. It wasn't until two months later, when three doses of the new chemo had made him so sick that he decided to stop treatment, that the pending separation became so real.
And yes, I was trying not to step on eggshells as well. I was trying not to cry in front of him (I did that on my drive to and from work), or get too upset about anything from cleaning the cat boxes to comforting him after he threw up his dinner. As horrible as this sounds, work was my sanctuary. Of course in retrospect I wish I'd have begun my leave a lot sooner than I did.
We only talked here and there about how we were both feeling and what I would do after he died. It seems like such a blur now, but I do remember both of us being sad. My heart was breaking every minute of the day and I was consumed with keeping him calm, comfortable and clean (I had no help or support and my hospice experience was a nightmare, and I still have a lot of guilt about that, although several friends have tried to reassure me that perhaps it was meant to be that our last week together was spent mostly alone) and as peaceful as possible. Mercifully, he was in no pain and he was bedridden only for about a week.
I wish we would have talked more those last days, but we were always about acting on what we felt instead of talking about it. So maybe that was meant to be as well.
Blessings and peace to everyone here.
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(the MS) 
Check out the squirrel video! That'll make you smile.
