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Your mother has an excellent point. The dead are not helped by our lamenting, and carried to excess we are simply hurting ourselves by it.
Obviously, we remember many past events even as we live our present, and to remember the dead doesn't strike me as unhealthy at all, but life is about the daily events of living. It includes our relations and obligations to others, and if grief seriously sidetracks those for more than a week or two, my own feeling is that it is a problem. I believe our focus should be on the present and the give and take of our daily lives, and gratitude for those around us from the unknown person who stocks the shelves from which we take our evening meal or our best friend, spouse, parent.
What do I owe the living, I think, is the core of life.
I speak of them as though they've just gone to the market and will return in a little while. Works for me.
I think the different traditions are brilliant in attempting to process death in a positive way . . .
I was talking to someone just yesterday who said she sat by the dying person's side for five hours . . . she was romanticizing the death . . .what she really did was wail by the dying person's side for five hours and beg him not to leave her . . .I feel so sad that the dying person had to put up with that . . .so from that perspective, the concept of not speaking the name so as not to tug on the departed person, seems loving and somewhat logical . . .when I first read it, it seemed absurd . . . but if the reason is to allow the departed person to move on, then it is a compassionate act.
Well personally I think it's nice to remember people with happy thoughts as well, rather than just forgetting someone. To me that seems worse, as if you're turning your back on them.
I have to say even if one tries to convince themselves that they have forgotten the loss of a loved one, it is only in denial of reality. A reality they have to work up to facing. There are many stages of grief. We each work our way around them regardless of the order we confront them.
Heart to heart, theres no holding back the truth from ones-self nor a departed. It's the most tellepathic "time". Your thoughts are heard on the "other" side. IMO, of course.
I think we have some younger members on this thread who maybe either havent experieced true grief and imagine what it must feel like... most of us will go through it some time in our lives.. and its a very personal thing.. I want to be locked away on my own while some need a shoulder.. but most want to say Why? death is part of life and must go on sadly.
If someone close that I knew died, I would never want to forget them after 4 days. To me the OP seems rather.. I don't know the word. To each their own though.
maybe the OP meant it in another way... men deal differently too than women and tend to want to do it away from others Ive noticed. what puzzles me is the time span.. how can you grieve the same for an acquaintance, friend , son or wife in the same way with the same timing.
If someone close that I knew died, I would never want to forget them after 4 days. To me the OP seems rather.. I don't know the word. To each their own though.
Yea. I imagine most adults who have had someone close die know grieving doesn't typically begin until after arrangements and obligations for the deceased are made, which, unfortunately, takes more than 4 days.
Well personally I think it's nice to remember people with happy thoughts as well, rather than just forgetting someone. To me that seems worse, as if you're turning your back on them.
I think the biggest 'sin' associated with death is when people suffer to their death and we cannot put them out or their misery. Some reach a point in which they say they want to die and all we can do is sit at their side. It's a travesty to all, to my mind.
I also believe/know that we continue on, after the body is gone. Yes, we do think of them from time to time, and those could be the times in which they are also thinking of us. We may meet in dreams at times.
Last edited by goldengrain; 07-05-2012 at 09:09 AM..
I think the biggest 'sin' associated with death is when people suffer and we cannot put them out or their misery.
I also believe/know that we continue on, after the body is gone. Yes, we do think of them from time to time, and those could be the times in which they are also thinking of us. We may meet in dreams at times.
Are you NA? I don't believe there is a spirit. When you die you die. I've never heard of any evidence of a spirit other than wishful thinking, so I'm not really sure what could possibly be held back by missing someone who no longer exists.
Says who, exactly? The expert death police? Your approach to life and death is only good for you. As long as nobody is bothering you then I don't see why you must wag your finger and people who have no interest in approaching life and death as you do.
It is hard to live in 'reality' in such a way. To you the belief in an afterlife is just some concoction created for those who cannot face up to the hard truth.
I am not sure that there is a god. I believe in no religion. There have been enough instances in my life, though, to convince me that we continue on. To me, it is not necessarily religious. It is just some fact, like the scientific view of the world around us, we do not really die.
Some people have much responsibility after a loved one dies or is just in a sort of numb space in their lives and do not really mourn until a long, long, time after the death.
But for most people, time helps. We remember and forget, alternating between the two, and the forgetting periods become longer and longer, and at some point the pain does lessen - at least that's the way it was for me. You make new friends, take new hobbies and jobs, start new memories which do not include the departed.
Last edited by goldengrain; 07-05-2012 at 09:10 AM..
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