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I just don't understand the point in dictating how other people should grieve. Everybody has their own way and given that, there is no one or right way.
Yes, but it can become the wrong way when it corrupts your life and deprives those who love you of your full self. That's what therapy is for, when you cannot get out of the box by yourself, when your life becomes dysfunctional and no longer progresses, when things no longer 'work' for you, when your total capacity for joy has melted.
It is hard to live in 'reality' in such a way. To you the belief in an afterlife is just some connexion created for those who cannot face up to the hard truth.
I am not sure that there is a god. I believe in no religion. There have been enough instances in my life, though, to convince me that we continue on. To me, it is not religious. It is just some fact, like the scientific view of the world around us, we do not really die.
Some people have much responsibility after a loved one dies or is just in a sort of numb space in their lives and do not really mourn until a long, long, time after the death.
But for most people, time helps. We remember and forget, alternating between the two, and the forgetting periods become longer and longer, and at some point the pain does lessen - at least that's the way it was for me. You make new friends, take new hobbies and jobs, start new memories which do not include the departed.
Agreed, although our past is a part of who we are. I suppose some would prefer to forget. And that's fine for them.
Yes, but it can become the wrong way when it corrupts your life and deprives those who love you of your full self. That's what therapy is for, when you cannot get out of the box by yourself, when your life becomes dysfunctional and no longer progresses, when things no longer 'work' for you, when your total capacity for joy has melted.
Sure, but that's for the individual to decide. We all have our personal standards that only apply to us as individuals.
Agreed, although our past is a part of who we are. I suppose some would prefer to forget.
I'm not sure if it's forgetting we do. It's just getting on with your life. That person is still in your heart and mind, just tucked away for your conscious mind. You can bring that person to the forefront in an instant if you choose to. Dwelling on the past will only make you sick in mind and then body.
I'm not sure if it's forgetting we do. It's just getting on with your life. That person is still in your heart and mind, just tucked away for your conscious mind. You can bring that person to the forefront in an instant if you choose to. Dwelling on the past will only make you sick in mind and then body.
Refusing to speak someone's name (alive or dead) does not sound like a healthy mental space to me. Again, tho, people have different reasons for their choices and varying coping skills. Then there's interpretation. What you consider to be dwelling another person may consider fondly remembering. From my pov, going at life like people who attempt to forget by engaging in unhealthy activities like watching too much TV, eating poorly, etc is something that just wouldn't work. I see distraction where you may see something else.
Sure, but that's for the individual to decide. We all have our personal standards that only apply to us as individuals.
I agree. It's a shame that a mind that can be so disorientated by a tragedy is also to be relied upon to diagnose itself enough to send the person for help. There are people who are shaken so deeply by a death that they, themselves, walk through much of what's left of their life in pain. Sometimes a caring person can try to guide such a soul to a source of assistance to lift the burden a bit.
On the other hand, there really are those who seem to enjoy wallowing in self pity. They often end up very alone because no one wants to be around them.
The truth is, we should live this life with the realization that this will happen to us all eventually. It should not come as such a shock. Dare I suggest that we should not be so dependent upon each other that our lives end when the other dies?
But maybe I have only the Western ideal of recuperation. In some cultures wives would be thrown on the funeral pyres of their husbands. Maybe these women really did love their men so much. I often thought that those traditions started in cultures in which women could not get a divorce, so their only way out was murdering the guy. Who knows? Could be.
I agree. It's a shame that a mind that can be so disorientated by a tragedy is also to be relied upon to diagnose itself enough to send the person for help. There are people who are shaken so deeply by a death that they, themselves, walk through much of what's left of their life in pain. Sometimes a caring person can try to guide such a soul to a source of assistance to lift the burden a bit.
On the other hand, there really are those who seem to enjoy wallowing in self pity. They often end up very alone because no one wants to be around them.
The truth is, we should live this life with the realization that this will happen to us all eventually. It should not come as such a shock. Dare I suggest that we should not be so dependent upon each other that our lives end when the other dies?
But maybe I have only the Western ideal of recuperation. In some cultures wives would be thrown on the funeral pyres of their husbands. Maybe these women really did love their men so much. I often thought that those traditions started in cultures in which women could not get a divorce, so their only way out was murdering the guy. Who knows? Could be.
I don't know about that last part, but what I'm saying is that if you're capable try to show respect to people for their differences. Don't always assume your way is the right way. Granted, there's a difference between aiding people who are close to us (family and friends), but that's not what this discussion is about from my end. It's about superimposing yourself, your beliefs, onto people you don't know en masse. That's rarely a good thing, but a type of proselytizing that is even less so for one who may be grieving.
Refusing to speak someone's name (alive or dead) does not sound like a healthy mental space to me. Again, tho, people have different reasons for their choices and varying coping skills. Then there's interpretation. What you consider to be dwelling another person may consider fondly remembering. From my pov, going at life like people who attempt to forget by engaging in unhealthy activities like watching too much TV, eating poorly, etc is something that just wouldn't work. I see distraction where you may see something else.
I wasn't talking about never speaking the person's name again. It may be culture for some but that sure isn't isn't my belief! I did stop wailing his name about 2 months ago though. Recently, IDK where I was or what I was doing, but I was going to have an "episode" about hubby but it was like I was dreaming while awake and I got the distinct feeling not to go back to beseeching his name because it would disturb him! It was a very strange few minutes and I stopped my feeling so bad for myself.
I don't do things to "distract" myself. I've faced it and with God's help conqured my pain.
I don't know what you got out of my post you quoted but it sure was contrare to what I meant.
I wasn't talking about never speaking the person's name again. It may be culture for some but that sure isn't isn't my belief! I did stop wailing his name about 2 months ago though. Recently, IDK where I was or what I was doing, but I was going to have an "episode" about hubby but it was like I was dreaming while awake and I got the distinct feeling not to go back to beseeching his name because it would disturb him! It was a very strange few minutes and I stopped my feeling so bad for myself.
I don't do things to "distract" myself. I've faced it and with God's help conqured my pain.
I don't know what you got out of my post you quoted but it sure was contrare to what I meant.
I'm referencing the OP and subsequent posts from the OP. That's where the name idea, pity, his comments about super grievers as do nothings, etc are anchored. If you're referencing his ideas, but putting your own spin on it, well, it's not something I'm going to guess right.
I'm referencing the OP and subsequent posts from the OP. That's where the name idea, pity, his comments about super grievers as do nothings, etc are anchored. If you're referencing his ideas, but putting your own spin on it, well, it's not something I'm going to guess right.
Quoting the person whose post you are referring to would make the thread go more soomthly. How did I know you weren't relpying to my post? I didn't except for the one where you quoted me.
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Who knows? Could be.
