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I like Mark Twain's approach. Why be dishonest and say they were great when they weren't. Everyone dies, the good the bad and the ugly...so I'd just be glad they can't hurt anyone else when a bad one dies and leave it at that. The worst bullies, creeps, etc.,...don't ever take responsibility for their actions anyway so what's the use?
lol...it's a good thing I've been around this forum as long as I have or I'd probably take that personally.
So let's straighten something out. Never in a million years would I say anything negative about a person who passed away to someone who is grieving. I probably wouldn't say anything negative at all to anyone unless pressed and then it would have to be someone who shared the same history with that person as I did.
I was just using those three as an example of why it might be difficult to "not speak ill of the dead".
I thought it would be a good conversation starter for suggestions for what people could say should YOU also be placed in the same situation.
"Sorry for your loss" is a good one.
"I'm sure such and such is missing his/her (fill in the blank)" is another.
The context of your OP presented you as someone who might be a gossip, but since you cleared that up the short & sweet condolences will suffice. That has been my practice.
We have about 3 people in my family who likely have some sort of Personality Disorder, exhibiting signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or what used to be called that until it was re-classified) and Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the hallmarks is they engage in "smear" campaigns where they tell others distortions or outright lies about their targets to drive other people away from the target/make the target look bad.
I've been a target of both my mother and her cousin. My mother's sister, the other one, mostly targets her daughter. I wouldn't wish death on any of them and I hope they live a long, happy (well at least as happy as such people can be) life. I've cut off contact with one and limited contact with the other 2.
They still manage to cause trouble with other family members, which I have to deal with and set boundaries.
I won't be happy or glad when they die, but I will be relieved when I don't have to deal with the smear campaign attempts any longer and all of the collateral damage they cause. They've made it quite clear they're not going to chanage and will keep conducting smear campaigns. They won't respect any sort of boundaries. The only relief from those campaigns will be their deaths. As it is, I've detached and learned that anyone who wants to believe them is probably not someone I really want in my life/trust. My mother completely destroyed the relationship between my brother and I. As long as she's living, I don't think there's any chance for reconciliation because she so thoroughly brainwashed him and my SIL. When she dies, we may be able to reconcile and I may be able to meet my niece. I'll probably reach out to her when she's an adult to see if she would like to be in contact. But I'm not getting my hopes up because my mother/brother/SIL will probably influence her too. I'll just make an effort and respect any response she has.
The thing about NPD and BPD parents is they often choose one child to scapegoat and one child as the golden child. The golden child can do no wrong and the parent is often sweet and affectionate to that child while the scapegoat can do no right and the parent is often abusive to that child. So 2 children from the same family can have a very different relationship with the same parent. One will have a loving, affectionate parent while the other will have an abusive parent. So one child can feel grief/mourning at the parent's death, while the other would feel relief that at least the parent can't get to him or her anymore. It doesn't make either of them good/bad people or right or wrong, they just had very different experiences.
I have had to deal with this same type of situation (folks with personality disorders and also full out schizophrenia) and although I realize these relatives are disordered, it doesn't make the havoc and chaos they create any less.
The website you referenced ("smear campaigns") is really helpful, btw - had not seen this site before.
I will admit that when some of the relatives have died, I simply felt a sense of relief. There are a few more left and I am sure I will feel relief when they die, as well. I feel no guilt about having those feelings, b/c I also fully acknowledge what good times there were . . . but the vicious things they either did directly or set in motion - with me and many other family members - over a lifetime, were hurtful and anxiety-inducing . . . and frankly, not having them around to deal with in a family dynamic has been a blessed relief.
When anyone has asked me about those folks after death, I have usually replied something along the lines of . . . "I hope xx is in a peaceful place." I just can't say I miss xx, b/c I don't.
My stock answer to the bereaved, whether in person or in a note -
"I hope memories of happier times will sustain you in your loss."
I recall the comedienne, Moms Mabley, talking about the passing of her husband. She said, "I always heard you should only speak good of the dead. Well, he's dead. Good!"
Wouldn't we all like to say that about some people!?
I am memorizing your reply. It is the perfect way of acknowledging that another person is grieving yet it is not misrepresentative of anything to do with your relationship with the difficult person who has died.
If approached you don't have to say anything but if you feel you must you can simply say
"we weren't close", which is truthful without taking sides or saying anything negative. If you're asked for an opinion of that person simply say "I didn't know her very well" or something along those lines.
Great way to handle it. Though I once did pi$$ on someones grave as I promised them I would one day.
Honestly, this is what I would say in that situation.
We never really got along all that well and I never got to know her/him on a personal level so there is not much I can say, but I do feel sorry for her/his family loosing a loved one.
TO be honest, if someone passed away that I didn't like, I couldn't give a ****. I'd be honest: "I don't like so-and-so". I'm not in the business of being politically correct. Giving reverence to someone who doesn't deserve it doesn't make sense to me. It's like respecting a bully; don't do it. I know this makes me look like a villain but I don't care.
Great way to handle it. Though I once did pi$$ on someones grave as I promised them I would one day.
You didn't! <snicker>
heavy symbolism, there, accufit, but hey . . . you were true to your word.
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