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Yikes! Other than Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and other extremely horrific murderers and despots, I really can't say I was relieved when anyone died. Obviously the death of people I've been close to (parents, brother, sister and husband) have been gut wrenching, and others I might not have known well or at all aren't as devestating, but I doubt I've ever had a sense of relief that someone died, even if they were suffering terribly. I may have been grateful that they were finally pain free and at peace, but relieved? No. I don't believe you can be relieved that someone died, especially when they leave behind people who loved and cared about them.
We have about 3 people in my family who likely have some sort of Personality Disorder, exhibiting signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or what used to be called that until it was re-classified) and Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the hallmarks is they engage in "smear" campaigns where they tell others distortions or outright lies about their targets to drive other people away from the target/make the target look bad.
I've been a target of both my mother and her cousin. My mother's sister, the other one, mostly targets her daughter. I wouldn't wish death on any of them and I hope they live a long, happy (well at least as happy as such people can be) life. I've cut off contact with one and limited contact with the other 2.
They still manage to cause trouble with other family members, which I have to deal with and set boundaries.
I won't be happy or glad when they die, but I will be relieved when I don't have to deal with the smear campaign attempts any longer and all of the collateral damage they cause. They've made it quite clear they're not going to chanage and will keep conducting smear campaigns. They won't respect any sort of boundaries. The only relief from those campaigns will be their deaths. As it is, I've detached and learned that anyone who wants to believe them is probably not someone I really want in my life/trust. My mother completely destroyed the relationship between my brother and I. As long as she's living, I don't think there's any chance for reconciliation because she so thoroughly brainwashed him and my SIL. When she dies, we may be able to reconcile and I may be able to meet my niece. I'll probably reach out to her when she's an adult to see if she would like to be in contact. But I'm not getting my hopes up because my mother/brother/SIL will probably influence her too. I'll just make an effort and respect any response she has.
The thing about NPD and BPD parents is they often choose one child to scapegoat and one child as the golden child. The golden child can do no wrong and the parent is often sweet and affectionate to that child while the scapegoat can do no right and the parent is often abusive to that child. So 2 children from the same family can have a very different relationship with the same parent. One will have a loving, affectionate parent while the other will have an abusive parent. So one child can feel grief/mourning at the parent's death, while the other would feel relief that at least the parent can't get to him or her anymore. It doesn't make either of them good/bad people or right or wrong, they just had very different experiences.
So I am a sad person for being relieved when somebody like Gaddafi dies or Robert Mugabe when he dies, yes, vicious dictators who have slain hundreds of people. Because that's what I meant, and you ASSUMED I'm talking about friends or relatives or people I don't know about. So, no YOU don't get it. You are an extremely judgmental person for insulting me, I'd much rather be me than you believe me!!! Judgmental people are low lifes.
Last edited by Weatherfan2; 08-05-2012 at 07:42 AM..
My stock answer to the bereaved, whether in person or in a note -
"I hope memories of happier times will sustain you in your loss."
I recall the comedienne, Moms Mabley, talking about the passing of her husband. She said, "I always heard you should only speak good of the dead. Well, he's dead. Good!"
Wouldn't we all like to say that about some people!?
If I couldn't think of anything good to say, I just would say I didn't know them well like twingles suggested above. But usually I can think of ONE positive thing I can say about almost anyone.
When I was in third grade there was a girl who was a loud mouth, know it all bully. I was shy and quiet. She rode my bus and I can remember wishing she would die (and I was very mild mannered and not a vengeful kid, but this girl really was a bully and not a nice person at all). Well, there was a fire and her clothes caught on fire and instead of dropping and rolling, like they teach kids now, she ran and made it worse. She ended up dying. I know it sounds terrible, but I never for one minute felt bad that she died. I felt relieved and glad she was no longer around to bully people. As an adult I can see that she was only a child at the time, but my inner child feelings toward her are still there. I sort of feel guilty about that but also I feel like I must have had a substantial reason or I would not have felt that strongly about it. I have never felt that way about another person before or since.
This might belong in the other forum so please feel free to move if so.
In the last two weeks, two people I didn't care for and/or had strong dislike feelings for passed away.
Last year a co-worker passed away and I could not stand her. She was not a nice person in any sense of the word...harsh, I know but true.
I'm old school on many things and since one of them is the old adage of "don't speak ill of the dead" what do I do when approached?
To #1, who happens to be cousin by marriage's mother, I purposely leave out the part that she totally wrote off her ex-husband's nieces and nephews then whined to anyone who would listen that they wanted nothing to do with her since the divorce (thus creating a wedge between the cousins that didn't need to be there). Not true...they tried many times to keep in touch but gave up after getting shot down for their attempts after three years.
I can at least come up with, she was greatly loved by her children and grandchildren.
To #2-A person I know thru other friends. We never hit it off...that's ok, we never had to be friends, I have plenty and so did she.
She was also a retiree from my work, and since I have to deal with part of their retirement benefits, I had to deal with her. If one tiny little thing wasn't to her liking, her favorite thing to do was make my life miserable. She would call, cuss me out or report me to my boss. He of course knew how she was so never acted on what she wanted him to do with me.
I've come up with....I'm glad she had a nice long retirement....and leave it at that.
To #3- She truly was of the devil I swear. She would attach herself to every new employee and fill them in on how things truly were around there. Gossip was her middle name....only if the gossip was evil. One of our male co-workers did a very nice thing for me and the next thing you know, she's attempting to start a rumor that we were an item. This guy was so nice and newly married. Luckily everyone knew how she was. This is just a small example of her antics.
I've come up with...she had pretty hair.
It's not like I'm approached all the time about them but as two of them are recent and the other we occationally run across someone who doesn't realize they passed away.
I guess what I'm asking is how do YOU respond in similar circumstances?
I agree and I'm selectively traditional myself. But here's one I will break with and big time.
I'd like to change that old adage "don't speak ill of the dead" to "as in life so in death"
If someone was a mean, nasty individual in life, being dead does not change that.
I am a Christian and I believe that the soul goes on after life.
From what I know of you, you would not speak ill of the dead at their memorial service. Your a lady.
But pretending someone was a wonderful person just because they have achieved what we all will achieve - death, makes no sense to me.
If I couldn't think of anything good to say, I just would say I didn't know them well like twingles suggested above. But usually I can think of ONE positive thing I can say about almost anyone.
When I was in third grade there was a girl who was a loud mouth, know it all bully. I was shy and quiet. She rode my bus and I can remember wishing she would die (and I was very mild mannered and not a vengeful kid, but this girl really was a bully and not a nice person at all). Well, there was a fire and her clothes caught on fire and instead of dropping and rolling, like they teach kids now, she ran and made it worse. She ended up dying. I know it sounds terrible, but I never for one minute felt bad that she died. I felt relieved and glad she was no longer around to bully people. As an adult I can see that she was only a child at the time, but my inner child feelings toward her are still there. I sort of feel guilty about that but also I feel like I must have had a substantial reason or I would not have felt that strongly about it. I have never felt that way about another person before or since.
A girl who bullied me pretty mercilessly in junior high died in a car accident. I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't sad either. I thought it was sad that she died young and senselessly, but I didn't feel any personal grieving or mourning. A guy I went to college with had gone to the same junior high as us and he and she went off to one high school while I went off to another. He was pretty broken up by it and wanted to talk about it when we saw each other in the dining hall. I mostly just listened and said it was sad, which was true enough. I did remember a couple of funny things she said/did when she wasn't bullying me, so I mentioned those. That seemed to work ok. I didn't have to get into my true feelings about her, but I don't feel I was being overly fake either. Basic social white lie kind of stuff.
Some people do change and become better people. I knew this other guy I went to school with who used to bully a girl with Downs Syndrome (some of us would intervene & make him stop). I ran into him at the store recentlty and didn't mention it, but he did and said he felt bad about it now. So the girl who bullied me may have felt badly about it and might have been different to me in high school or as an adult if she's lived beyond 18. That's sad too because if she did get to be a better person, I didn't get to know that side of her.
Bullies are cowardly pieces of crap and shouldn't be missed upon death. Doesn't matter if it is Gaddaffi or a workplace bully. If they change around to become respectful people it's different of course. But if they don't change their ways, then they are only contributing to the destruction of society, and are no use to it.
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