Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know how she could know that but that's what I was suspecting, b'c she can't see me, she doesn't know what I'm going through. I tried to let it go and didn't say anything but it's still in the back of my mind.
No, Miu, I won't take the bait. I guess that's why I'm blowing off steam here.
CPG, that's a messed up situation. With some people you're just damned if you do and damned if you don't.
It really is a tough situation, and when emotions are all over the place, reason doesn't always take charge. Maybe you and your mom can really talk more about things when you are face to face again. Or once time works on the pain and clears the fog some.
My brother Steve was hit head-on and killed by a guy passing vehicles over double yellow lines. My other brother, mom and I feel that it was an unfortunate, but compltely avoidable accident. Sure, we miss Steve, but we've forgiven the guy who did this and don't have a desire to exact revenge. My dad, on the other hand, is obsessed with revenge.
One day he told us that we didn't love Steve the way he did, because if we did, we'd want to seek revenge too. I think a lot of that comes from the fact that my dad chose to look at the CHP accident photos. The rest of us chose not to see those photos. My brother was on a motorcycle when he was killed. The last thing we want emblazoned in our minds forever is Steve's body scattered all over the highway. I don't even like to think about it, much less look at photos like that.
My sister passes out and always ends up in the ER when a family member dies. I hold things together and can calm her down when nobody else can and tend to the immediate business of what needs doing. I fall apart in private after everything is over. We reconize we BOTH grieve, just in different ways. There is no competition between us and afterwards, we both hold each other up.
As a mother myself, I know at certain times, one child requires more attention than the other and you may worry about that child more, simply because they are having a hard time and you see it. Don't take it personally. I have a child (adult son) that takes a death in the family seemingly harder than his brother and sister and he gets the attention because of it ,but I know we ALL grieve and even in our grief, we discuss how poorly he handles it. Some ARE more sensitive that others and it does hit them harder. Don't take what your Mom said personally.. She is not dismissing how you feel, she knows you are grieving too.
I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Have you ever had a family member do anything like this?
My mom told me my brother is having a hard time with our sister's death. I said (in a sympathetic tone b'c I DO understand), "I know, Mom, we all are". She said, "Yes but he suffers so much more than anyone else". I was speechless. She doesn't see what I go through b'c I'm 2,000 miles away so I guess she doesn't think I'm feeling it too? I felt like I was a contestant being eliminated from a grief competition when she said that. What do you say to something like that? What can you say?
Wait, step back a moment...
First I'd like to say, I'm very very sorry you lost your sister, many prayers and condolences sent to you and yours.
Second, I don't believe your mother meant it the way it sounded...you see, we all have different thresholds, meaning, tollerance, the way we deal with things...the way we view things, faith, our attitudes, meaning positive or more negative, all goes into making up who we are.
Perhaps your brother is much more sensitive then most...and perhaps that is what your mom meant...not that you don't, or not competing with you, but perhaps she views you as being much stronger then you are...or much stronger then your brother.
I really do believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, that women are stronger then most men when it comes to things as such. I know some men cannot go to the hospital when a family member is dying, they fear showing their emotions, or crying, breaking down.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
All great, insightful posts, thank you.
I'm not sure how strong I am when it comes to this. I'm kind of like someone else who said they hold it together until they're alone or with immediate family--my kids--only. When my brother died I lost 12 pounds in a week and I can't even remember the first 3 days after. It was like I woke up after 3 days and found myself trying to eat something my sister had cooked for me but I couldn't. My b'f and sister said I screamed real loud when I got the call but it's all a blur to me. I'm not normally a dramatic person. It still chokes me up just thinking about it.
I really appreciate you sharing their stories too. It's very moving and it does help in some strange way. Thank you. I'm very sorry for your losses.
I have had cause to worry about both of my brothers committing suicide at separate points in their lives, and subsequently had nightmares. I cannot imagine the full extent of your loss.
I have always found it more comforting to share my reactions and feelings with people outside of the family (because they are not entrenched in the same dynamic), yet in the same roles I have found myself in.
I know what it is like to be perceived as the "together" one, while falling apart inside. The [dysfunctional] family dynamic requires that I stay in that role, lest everyone else be uncomfortable.
But in a support group, I can be me.
My mother used to say, "Having a sick/injured child is so much harder on ME than on my children." As such, I always had to comfort myself. I've even had to reassure her, while I was in obvious physical pain.
In the end, grief is grief - trauma is trauma. Comparison is impossible. Only someone who is inside the nightmare has the right to say, "It's not that bad." And then, they're usually fooling themselves.
Families are suppose to pull together in a time of grief. There is not one single person on this earth who grieves the same as others so therefore, tolerance for each other is of the utmost importance. Maybe your brother is having a hard time grieving and maybe you should be more sensitive to that; would it hurt you? Why don't you contact your brother and help each other through this hard time instead of feeling like you are in competition. You feel like you are in competition because you are more than likely a little jealous of how your Mom is paying more attention to your Brother than she is you. Forget all that nonsense and bring your family together 2000 miles or not.
I am sorry to be so tough on this subject but I have lost a lot in my life and have always not worried about who was getting more attention or less than I was. The situations around me were so damn sad I didn't have time to worry about myself. I lost a nephew at age 22 who was shot and killed in East LA. Prior to that, his daughter had died from pneumonia at age 4 so my sister lost a Granddaughter then a son..one died in February of 1998 and then the other died in May of the same year. Was I worried that perhaps my sister was getting more attention than me..NOT!! Was I concerned that ANY member of my family was getting more attention...again NOT. We were all too busy taking care of each other and helping each other through all this.
Please.......try to understand that your brother may not be as strong emotionally as you are and perhaps your Mom knows this. Try to help instead of be concerned that you won't come out in "first place".
I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Have you ever had a family member do anything like this?
My mom told me my brother is having a hard time with our sister's death. I said (in a sympathetic tone b'c I DO understand), "I know, Mom, we all are". She said, "Yes but he suffers so much more than anyone else". I was speechless. She doesn't see what I go through b'c I'm 2,000 miles away so I guess she doesn't think I'm feeling it too? I felt like I was a contestant being eliminated from a grief competition when she said that. What do you say to something like that? What can you say?
you must be of european descent----in italian families----grief expression is a competetive sport---my brother always won it!
I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Have you ever had a family member do anything like this?
My mom told me my brother is having a hard time with our sister's death. I said (in a sympathetic tone b'c I DO understand), "I know, Mom, we all are". She said, "Yes but he suffers so much more than anyone else". I was speechless. She doesn't see what I go through b'c I'm 2,000 miles away so I guess she doesn't think I'm feeling it too? I felt like I was a contestant being eliminated from a grief competition when she said that. What do you say to something like that? What can you say?
You know what to say to that, nothing. I know it's going to sound trite but take the high road and leave you've ego at the door.
Hard to do but better off doing it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Grief Competitions in Families
