How do you cope with the death of a Parent?

[mamamary]

Hello,My Sons Father is my Best Friend, Family, and we have spent Holidays, communicated on the phone almost every day. I live in LA and My Son lived 550 miles from me in Red Bluff. I sell Real estate for a living. The last 2 years have not been good selling years. I took advantage of this time to spend even more time up north with my son and my sons father. I knew my son would go to college soon and being 16 at the time i knew 18 was just around the corner. Not making any money, I lived off my savings and have had the pleasure to spend the time with my son and my sons father. Funds were getting low and I knew it was time to go back to work. So I returned to LA Feb 13, 2009 for a planned 10 week period to drum up more business. Yes I sold 4 homes. From nothing in 2 years to 4 deals in 9 weeks that i have been gone. Well about the 5 week being home, I found out my sons father had cancer.i didnt know what kind and he said there are further tests. My sons father wanted this to be kept from his close ones, so we all wouldnt go make a big comotion. He wanted peace. He ended up in Kemo 2 times which spead up his dying process due to he was too far along. I didnt know my 17 year old son at the time and my sons dad best friend were the only ones taking care of him. come to find out, it was pancreatic cancer. one of the most fastest deteriorating cancers out there. I arrived april 21to find his 2 oldest sons here and his x wife and his mom and sister. I never felt so left out in my 2nd home. the x took over bills etc.... they called hospice and got a hospital bed.. all this was wonderful i thought and arrived with open arms and hugs until i found out withing 24 hours of my arrival... they had not given him his medication so they can find out where the trust was. they started to panic and all evil was in that house I never felt so uncomfortable and waited in line to see my best friend... my sons father. it was awful witnessing the middle brother yelling and talking loud over my sons father where is the trust. my sons father could understand everything, he just couldnt swallow or talk. he didnt want to drink or eat and i felt very concerned. anyhow my sons father flipped the middle finger to his middle son who was loud and money greedy hungry for the trust. the oldest brother arrived the followng morning after my late night arrival. so both brothers were there and they were scrambling for a trust. instead of calmness and prayers and soft music and touch for my sons father, it was about what am i getting. my heart was broken witnessing this and my son was so young and not understanding.... everything was so very loud for 3 and a half days.... the death ratttle started to happen and I called hospice. Hospice new he was dying...and said i will be over in about an hour and showed up in 2. there is just too much to write.... but i will say this, as i prayed with my son and his father, we each stood on each side of my sons father. holding his hands.... i was stroking his head...calmly saying jesus is coming its ok jesus is coming praying for eternal life stoking his hear... jesus is coming its ok.... kissing his forehead... my son and I holding his arms and hands... carressing him.. and we watched him die.. it was so scarey but yet so beautifull. he waited my for son, the love of his life, before he went. i was just blessed to be there to watch and really felt he went when it was quiet... i tell you it hadnt been quiet since i arrived... very sad.my son lost his dad and his home and his 2 older brothers that are in their 40-s are stealing everything from my son. i packed up my son and moved him to LA with me. my sons father didnt have much in the end and told his 2 oldest sons he didnt have much to give and that our sons was to get what little that he had. my sons dad was worried for our sons future and for him to go to college. you see, his 2 oldest sons from another marriage they own their houses and have careets. my son is just a child....has nothing.... so he wanted to make sure there was enought funds for him to go to school..... the 2 older sons knew it and found an old trust to make sure his fathers wishes were anything but what he truly wished in the end. my son is an outcast. no communication from the brothers and they are stealing everything... they pretend they know what they are doing....but they have no clue....... God Bless My Son in life. I pray that you touch his heart with good and success.....Greed is so awful...... my son lost his father, his home, his brothers, his things, his trust in brothers, etc..... Jesus I pray that he finds a life here with me in LA.///Pancreatic cancer is an awful fast dying cancer milk and meat left out dont spoil as fast. I am sorry to see this and I will miss my best friend.. i love you and dont worry our son will be ok.My condolences for everyones loss here... i so understand and can relate. Blessings to you all

[Northside904]

Think of it this way: If a parent was right with God, they're going to a better place than this wretched earth. No more suffering and pain.

[Huckleberry3911948]

provide as much direct care b4 the death even a few weeks will make lots of difference, if you avoid and show up when they are dead-- is it going to hurt plenty and for years

[mboakley]

Yes it is a struggle. I lost both of my elderly parents within 14 months. People said oh you Mother was 91 as if it made a huge difference in the situation. I have learned to say it was many more years for me to be close to her and haveing her as a part of my life. A surprise death or an elderly death of someone close to you is a loss. I have been really, really sad especially through this holiday season. We were such a close family full of fun and great memories. I cherrish those times however, the "alone" feeling and felt through the gut and heart sadness comes an goes. One benefit is I lost some weight, ha. I told my Dr. food just does not have the flavor right now. Parents close to us or distant or dysfunctional they were parents and we feel the loss.

[sun queen]

I recently lost my only parent- My mother! And it's hard. I just try to get through the moments of the day. I try to celebrate her life when I can and I live in the moment taking joy or laughter as it comes. And when I am overwhelmed with grief and a profound sense of lost, I remember to breathe...

[hprinc88]

My dad died at age of 62 suddenly of 6th may this year. I feel so lost without him. I paint a smile on every day and pretend that everything is ok, I have a 3 yr old son and he talks a lot about his grampa, it hurts. I cant cry infront of him. I just cry when im alone and he is in bed. I just dont know how I am supposed to cope. I remember the day I tried to get into the room he was in and police stopped me, I screamed so loud. Feels like just yestedrday. Oh my im rambling, just dont know who to talk to. x

[The Dissenter]

My dad passed away in Janurary of 2011. He and I didn't have a great relationship however he was still my father. The way I got through it was keeping busy. I started a new FT job two days after his burial and I was a FT student. I still think about him every day. I have an old friend whose dad passed not long before mine did so I know I ain't alone and it is okay to miss him.

[ja1myn]

When my grandmother passed away, my mother and aunts and uncles all went through it differently. My mom cried daily, my aunts did the same, my one aunt made a point to being around my grandfather more, my one uncle didn't cry at all, my other uncle went back to work to take his mind off it, and my other uncle didn't show much emotion either.

[PullMyFinger]

My Dad died in Dec of 2010. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him in some way. I hope it's always that way, I wouldn't want to imagine life without him.

My Dad served in the Marine Corp in WWII. He never talked about his service his entire life. He would not own a gun and would do anything to protect animals or any life. He was a lifelong farmer and I remember to this day having to leave farm equipment parked and do without if there was a bird's nest in it with eggs in it or something. He was just a good guy.

After he died my Mom showed us his diary and his medals. He had 2 bronze stars and a silver star.

I remember once when I was about 10 years old my Dad was losing tools and gas, someone was stealing from us. One night he caught a 14 year old kid in the barn taking some tools. Turns out this is the kid who had been stealing from us all along. My Dad knew the kid's dad had left their family and the kid was rebelling. He gave the kid the option of him calling the sheriff or the kid working off the debt.

Well, the kid worked all summer and when his debt was paid off he continued working for us. Pretty soon he was coming for Sunday dinner. He pretty much became one of my brothers. That kid worked for us until he was 21+ years old and had another full time job. He came out on the weekends and helped out. When my Dad was ailing in the nursing home I couldn't believe it, but there was this guy visiting my Dad. I hadn't seen him in probably 30 years.

This makes me cry to tell this story but that's what kind of a guy he was.

[tvdxer]

My dad died when I had just turned 20 (and he was 43). I was beginning my first year of university, living at home and working at our family business (which he owned). About a week after my I celebrated my birthday, he didn't wake up one Sunday morning. I'll spare you the details, but it was a major shock.

I went back to school the following Tuesday, and my mom, not having any experience of running a business herself, took over our family business (which is now closed).

I loved my dad and spent time with him every day, but I did not grieve over his loss as much as I might have thought I would. My life was then simply too busy and I had too many things going for me to grieve intensely. We all have our own styles of grieving, and mine is just not too emphatic. I think it's because I don't put too much emphasis on what has passed, only on the present (and especially in the past, future) situation. My mother and my brother both mourned him intensely; my sister was more like me.

My grandfather died earlier, in 2000, of a heart attack, in a fashion much similar to that of my father. He was almost 59, otherwise healthy, and retirement was only around a year away, which he would surely enjoy immensely with his large pension from the company he had worked at for decades. Although I saw him regularly I was not too close to him so it was not a devastating loss. My own dad was absolutely heartbroken; he had witnessed the death of his mother under tragic (and for him, traumatizing) circumstances approximately twenty years prior. So was my brother; he was into many of the same things my grandpa was - fishing, snowmobiling, etc. In an instance of serendipity we were able to re-unite to spend a weekend at his hunting shack together just before his death, four-wheeling, dirt biking, shooting targets, and doing other things in unseasonably nice weather.

My great-grandfather, who witnessed the death of his daughter, wife, his son, his son-in-law, and his grandson, died a few years after my dad did. But he was old (although he looked amazing for his age) and ready to go.