Jokes- Keep em clean please (Bath, Lincoln: credit, house, wedding)

[Siobjuan]

Let's see how maturely immature we can be. I don't mind ethnic jokes as long as they are in good taste as seen below. What jokes (oldie and/or moldy welcome) would you tell that even a grandmother could hear?

This is courtesy my best friend who happens to be Italian.

American Kids vs. Italian Kids

American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married.....unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.
American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.
American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids: Are not at all fazed w hen their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.
American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to hav e something done.
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done.
American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more.
Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.
American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.
American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
American kids: Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.
American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
American kids: Know few things about you.
Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread (for breakfast).
I loved these last two
American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.
American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.

[island mermaid]

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[island mermaid]

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal ines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[mollysmiles]

are there blue-eyed red head italians? I just realized I'm italian! hmmm.... or maybe it was growing up Catholic?


(although the kids living at home part didn't apply to me.... hope it doesn't apply to my kids!)

[txmom]

My stepdaughter e-mailed this to me:

I will never forget this particular Sunday sermon. "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[deerislesmile]

I had to clean this one up a little, but hope it still holds..

There was a young woman from Lincolnville who was yearning to leave her little town and explore the world. One night she went to town and found herself a sailor in a local bar. He promised her undying love, sparkling new jewels, and the best part- he would sneak her aboard his ship when it left in the morning and when they reached the final port, he would buy her a house and marry her. So they sneeked onto the ship later that night, where the sailor tucked her into one of the covered life boats and gave her a blanket and some food and water, and told her quite sternly that she could never show her face during the day, not even to peek out of the lifeboat, for if the captain found out, he would throw them both into the sea. So the young woman stayed undercover during the day as the ship went from port to port, loading and unloading passengers and cargo(from what she could hear from the lifeboat), and waited for the boat to drop anchor for the night, when her sailor would bring her food and water and (edit: stold a few kisses..). After about 2 weeks of sailing every day, the captain noticed a few crumbs outside the particular life boat and peeled back the tarp to discover the buxom stowaway. "But Captain! One of your sailors is going to buy me a house and marry me when this ship gets to it's final port- he loves me and I love him!" and the Captain, shaking his head, said "Honey, I don't know which of these deckhands you've been listening to, or where you are planning on going, but this is the Islesboro Ferry! "

[Elcarim]

ROFLMAO!!!! the ferry...... OMG!!

[maine4.us]

After 30 years as a minister at a church, the preacher retired. It took months but finally a sucessor was chosen. An elderly couple couldn't decide if they wanted to hear his first sermon or not.. The husband reluctantly agreed to go hear the preacher's first sermon, while his wife stayed home and awaited her husbands comments.

The new preacher told the congregation his life story and ended it with something that woke everyone in the church up. "I spent the best years of my life in the arms of another man's wife." After all the gasps and indignant looks subsided, the pastor added. "My mothers." Instantly the whole mood of the church changed and everyone had smiles on their faces.

The old man went home and told his wife the preacher said that he had spent the best years of his life in the arms of another man's wife. The wife instantly asked, "What's her name?" The husband smiled and said, "I forgot."

[lowellmaine]

The Mole Family
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together
in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks
his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said,
Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said,
Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,
'Geez, all I can smell is....


MOLASSES!

[Trailmonkey]

TOP TIPS

COOKING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by Post.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the applications into the trashbin.

HOME MAINTENANCE: You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

WAKING UP: A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

HOME IMPROVEMENTS: If it doesn't fit - get a bigger hammer.

CINEMA GOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

BATHROOM: Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'?" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside department stores with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

MINI DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a dodgem car anyway.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

COOKING: Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the register. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.

COLD: If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a pita bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto - a warm snack!

HOME MAINTENANCE: If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

YOUNG MOTHERS: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

FEMALE SHOP ASSISTANTS: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.