Jokes- Keep em clean please (appliances, YMCA, elementary school)

[retiredtinbender]

LMAO. Good one!

[maureenb]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[cebdark]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?
The worker yelled back,

"Because his wife's here with his lunch"

[cebdark]

An elderly,(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

[retiredtinbender]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,
a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of
200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already
had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Maine reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture in Aroostook
County, Maine, Bud, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Bud has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Maine had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to live in Maine, don't it.

[maureenb]

nice, tinbender!

[retiredtinbender]

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?" I replied I had a drug problem when I was young:

• I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
• I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
• I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
• I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
• I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
• I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields.
• I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.

[cebdark]

Colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room And told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.


After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove and a beer .


When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused This is my first exam .. I know what the K-Y is for And I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?


At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .

Darn it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT "

[msina]

When my DH went for a colonoscopy recently I asked the Dr. to look for his head up there while he was at it.
While waiting outside the door I asked "can you hear me now?"

[Siobjuan]

These are wonderful! Just goes to show, you don't have to be full of swears or dirty jokes for them to be funny!

Keep them coming!