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On the other hand, I have found surprisingly supportive gestures coming from the casual acquaintance, passerby in your life, and even total strangers (ex. right here on this forum).
Empathy & understanding exists, but not where we expected to find it.
I am a firm believer that certain people are put in your life when you need them most. Some of the most caring people I have encountered have been casual acquaintances and total stangers.
I just hope that I can be as comforting to someone in need as these people have been to me.
Isn't it sad that we have to waste time disarming stupid people? When people get too personal with me, my response will be "why do you ask" shuts them down every time.
Yes it is sad. But, at times, necessary. I could have ask "why do you ask"...but, It was much more amusing to watch her squirm after a dose of her own medicine.
Well, this thread has been enlightening and I think everyone has been right.
I did receive a phone call at 6:45 a.m. this morning from one of the people who kicked me when I was down. Needless to say, I did not answer and it's a good thing I'd just happened to wake up 5 minutes before so she didn't wake me up (insomniac here). The message left was I don't know how many minutes of some TV or radio program. Didn't bother to listen to it all.
Anyway, just another example of how people don't think. Not cool to call someone at 6:45 a.m. or after certain hours either. A bit OT, but just goes to show you that even with the passage of time (it's been around three months since we last spoke) things don't change.
So maybe just plain old thoughtlessness should be added to the list of reasons. Or a lack of boundaries too, as most people who respect you would wait until after X hour to call you or not call you after X hour unless it was an emergency.
I am a firm believer that certain people are put in your life when you need them most. Some of the most caring people I have encountered have been casual acquaintances and total stangers.
I just hope that I can be as comforting to someone in need as these people have been to me.
Case in point - my friend's FIL was dying from a stoke and on hospice. So my friend gets this brilliant idea to write a hate letter during this time and send it to each member of the family - including his wife and it was her father who was dying. I had to ask him if he needed to go to the psych ward and talk him out of it. So clearly it goes beyond "because we allow them to."
No offense but is it possible that you just happen to run in circles where this happens more than *normal*? The stuff you've been describing I don't know that I've ever truly seen.
No offense but is it possible that you just happen to run in circles where this happens more than *normal*? The stuff you've been describing I don't know that I've ever truly seen.
No offense taken. But there are rude people everywhere so if you haven't run into many, consider yourself fortunate.
I've read about this sort of stuff on grief forums (this kicking you when you're down or people just saying the cruelest things or just vanishing) so I know I'm not unique in that department. People can know people for years and not see their true colors until something big comes up. In the post you reference above and you comment to, this person was one of the people who kicked me down when my dad died too and was very cruel. Not to the extent where he wanted to write letters or anything, but the morning of my dad's death when I told him my dad had just died his response was "well, my parents died too." See, some people cannot stand to have it not be about them for one minute. And in his case with his FIL, he felt like he'd been put down and belittled by his FIL for 35 years so he, in the most small and pathetic of ways, decided to try to use that opportunity to finally get even. Yes, this takes an incredible amount of cruelty and cowardice to pull off, which is why I asked him if he needed to go to the psych ward. At any rate, he is also no longer my friend. And I'd known him for many years so just goes to show you...
But yes, to answer your question, it is entirely possible.
And in his case with his FIL, he felt like he'd been put down and belittled by his FIL for 35 years so he, in the most small and pathetic of ways, decided to try to use that opportunity to finally get even.
And this didn't send red flags? I am not saying that your friend is a bad person. I am saying that he may have not been taught to be a good friend.
It is entirely possible to be surrounded by people who have these issues. I suspect several reasons for this. They cut themselves off from the "functioning" world, not the other way around. They don't even enjoy being around each other but behave the same way. They have a tendency to be well disciplined in the work environment but have an out of control private life. These ideas I borrowed from other C-D members.
And this didn't send red flags? I am not saying that your friend is a bad person. I am saying that he may have not been taught to be a good friend.
It is entirely possible to be surrounded by people who have these issues. I suspect several reasons for this. They cut themselves off from the "functioning" world, not the other way around. They don't even enjoy being around each other but behave the same way. They have a tendency to be well disciplined in the work environment but have an out of control private life. These ideas I borrowed from other C-D members.
Red flags that he'd turn around and be less than compassionate to me? No, because he did not despise me as he did his FIL. It did remind me of what my sister did to me when I was going through my divorce though (and we are not on speaking terms and it was I who said hello at the funeral and do not recall if she even said hello back). But then I am related to her so I accept no responsibility for that whole deal. You pick your friends but not your family. Still, it would seem to indicate that since she harbored and still does harbor such long standing resentments towards me, she chose one of the toughest times in my life to go for the jugular. For that, I'll never forgive her and it just shows how small and pathetic she really is and why I've never liked her.
Red flags that he'd turn around and be less than compassionate to me? No, because he did not despise me as he did his FIL. It did remind me of what my sister did to me when I was going through my divorce though (and we are not on speaking terms and it was I who said hello at the funeral and do not recall if she even said hello back). But then I am related to her so I accept no responsibility for that whole deal. You pick your friends but not your family. Still, it would seem to indicate that since she harbored and still does harbor such long standing resentments towards me, she chose one of the toughest times in my life to go for the jugular. For that, I'll never forgive her and it just shows how small and pathetic she really is and why I've never liked her.
Regarding your sister...
Let me explain my first post using this as an example. If I was in this situation and I said "hello", I would not expect anything in return. This avoids being let down. I know easier said that done. I am being civil which allows the lines of communication to remain open but not to discuss past behavior. Civility also does not mean you have to stick around the other person. Keep your conversation short, wish them good health and move on.
By being civil, I have put the "ball in her court." She can play however she wants but it doesn't mean I will play back. That is what I mean by not allowing them to treat you anyway they want.
I play back when she is civil with me. It is how I want to be treated and if she wants to talk to me, it is what I expect. By putting the ball in her court, I do "forgive" because I no longer try to control her behavior. She chooses how to play. Instead, I have control over how I will be treated, by either accepting the play or not. I don't explain what I am doing, however. It is not polite to correct another person's behavior.
There are reasons why a person would kick you while you are down:
1. They don't like you but for some reason stick around. Maybe they can't be honest with you. You have to do them a favor and stay away. You can still be civil when you see them. Just don't stick around.
2. The don't feel good about themselves. The best thing you can do is remain civil but you still need to stay away. You can't be their punching bag. When they have figured out that they are the problem, they know they can come back to you because you always remained civil with them.
Let me explain my first post using this as an example. If I was in this situation and I said "hello", I would not expect anything in return. This avoids being let down. I know easier said that done. I am being civil which allows the lines of communication to remain open but not to discuss past behavior. Civility also does not mean you have to stick around the other person. Keep your conversation short, wish them good health and move on.
By being civil, I have put the "ball in her court." She can play however she wants but it doesn't mean I will play back. That is what I mean by not allowing them to treat you anyway they want.
I play back when she is civil with me. It is how I want to be treated and if she wants to talk to me, it is what I expect. By putting the ball in her court, I do "forgive" because I no longer try to control her behavior. She chooses how to play. Instead, I have control over how I will be treated, by either accepting the play or not. I don't explain what I am doing, however. It is not polite to correct another person's behavior.
Good points. I only said hello to be civil. That whole experience was an exercise in civility. There was a lot of not so civil stuff going on between me and my brother behind the scenes, but you never would have picked up on it that day.
Quote:
There are reasons why a person would kick you while you are down:
1. They don't like you but for some reason stick around. Maybe they can't be honest with you. You have to do them a favor and stay away. You can still be civil when you see them. Just don't stick around.
2. The don't feel good about themselves. The best thing you can do is remain civil but you still need to stay away. You can't be their punching bag. When they have figured out that they are the problem, they know they can come back to you because you always remained civil with them.
More good points. I think the take-away from your post is "civility." If you can't be civil, just walk away, say nothing. Maybe that is why so many find themselves in certain situations that I've read about (as in abandoned in times of need) as maybe it's actually kinder to just walk away than to say what you really think. Still, those people that do this were really never friends to begin with so I guess it's best for everyone involved.
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