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They do it to give themselves a moment of power. People are addicted to power and feeling powerful. When you show weakness, its a chance to make themselves feel powerful.
So very true!!! Gotta be on that powertrip reguardless of how you make others feel.
My older sister divorced her first husband and moved in the guy she had been cheating with for 2 months the same night she kicked out #1 and filed. When she told me, I listened, but got angry. I think it took me a couple of weeks, before I finally had enough and told her she brought it all on herself and I didn't want to hear it anymore - my life is challenging too, not everyone files for a divorce because they aren't deliriously happy 100% of the time (or cheats on a spouse). This went through the family and I got a LOT of resentment from other family members who did not know the WHOLE story. I didn't enlighten them, though my dh knows the truth. I am seen as the bad guy in that scenario. Am I really? It depends on who you ask.
Years ago, I was moving out of state (we were military) and were going through some rough times. I didn't call my best friends for MONTHS - and my phone number had changed, so they couldn't call me - I just had too much going on, figured it would be okay. It was 4 months, exactly. During that time, my best friend's brother was diagnosed with, then died, from cancer. It caused a distance between us that our relationship never fully recovered from because I wasn't 'there' for him. I'm truly sorry I wasn't - am I a bad friend for this? Or was it just unfortunate timing?
There have been other scenarios in my life where I may have been seen as 'insensitive', but I am just adverse to lying. I can hold it in somewhat during wedding ceremonies, receptions, funerals, etc, but if someone keeps on and on - I can't always keep it in forever. IE - My younger sister, claiming a relationship with a Grandmother who she was horrible to (and cut off contact with for the last 14 years of her life), my cousin, retelling stories about Grandpa - but forgetting the TRUE ending in the retelling, and the pain her lies and poor behavior caused him. I come from a dysfunctional family - in the extreme, so I know quite a few examples.
Some people think that dying, being ill, getting a divorce excuses their own poor behavior and lies - and that people should flock to them because of their tragedy. That's ridiculous. If someone brings something on themselves, they might get a silent nod while they're going off on their self pity rant, but only for a certain amount of time. Then they'll get a dose of reality from me. But everyone in 'my world' knows that I cannot stand a liar - IMO they are the lowest form of life. And 'selective memories' are just another lie.
I'm not accusing the OP of anything, btw. I don't know her. But there is ALWAYS another side of the story - or two.
BTW - my sister thinks my life is perfect too, because I don't have her problems. I doubt my marriage would last though if I were cheating on my spouse - no, she wasn't caught, but the extra time away from home, the secret phone conversations, the 'business trips' that weren't for business all played a BIG part in her first dh's resentment of her, and his treatment of her as well
Misty, I would also note that these are quite possibly people that kick a lot more than you NOTICE. It's when you are stressed or having a major issue that you feel the kick enough to register.
Basically, when you have a lot of jerks in your life this stuff is just going to happen.
Great post - my thoughts exactly. I think it's important to remember we're all the same - sometimes we get kicked, sometimes we're the kicker. That's why we need to do our best always and beyond that it's out of our control, and life is too short to dwell on petty things like this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc
Often, it can just be perception.
I'll give 'for instances'.
My older sister divorced her first husband and moved in the guy she had been cheating with for 2 months the same night she kicked out #1 and filed. When she told me, I listened, but got angry. I think it took me a couple of weeks, before I finally had enough and told her she brought it all on herself and I didn't want to hear it anymore - my life is challenging too, not everyone files for a divorce because they aren't deliriously happy 100% of the time (or cheats on a spouse). This went through the family and I got a LOT of resentment from other family members who did not know the WHOLE story. I didn't enlighten them, though my dh knows the truth. I am seen as the bad guy in that scenario. Am I really? It depends on who you ask.
Years ago, I was moving out of state (we were military) and were going through some rough times. I didn't call my best friends for MONTHS - and my phone number had changed, so they couldn't call me - I just had too much going on, figured it would be okay. It was 4 months, exactly. During that time, my best friend's brother was diagnosed with, then died, from cancer. It caused a distance between us that our relationship never fully recovered from because I wasn't 'there' for him. I'm truly sorry I wasn't - am I a bad friend for this? Or was it just unfortunate timing?
There have been other scenarios in my life where I may have been seen as 'insensitive', but I am just adverse to lying. I can hold it in somewhat during wedding ceremonies, receptions, funerals, etc, but if someone keeps on and on - I can't always keep it in forever. IE - My younger sister, claiming a relationship with a Grandmother who she was horrible to (and cut off contact with for the last 14 years of her life), my cousin, retelling stories about Grandpa - but forgetting the TRUE ending in the retelling, and the pain her lies and poor behavior caused him. I come from a dysfunctional family - in the extreme, so I know quite a few examples.
Some people think that dying, being ill, getting a divorce excuses their own poor behavior and lies - and that people should flock to them because of their tragedy. That's ridiculous. If someone brings something on themselves, they might get a silent nod while they're going off on their self pity rant, but only for a certain amount of time. Then they'll get a dose of reality from me. But everyone in 'my world' knows that I cannot stand a liar - IMO they are the lowest form of life. And 'selective memories' are just another lie.
I'm not accusing the OP of anything, btw. I don't know her. But there is ALWAYS another side of the story - or two.
BTW - my sister thinks my life is perfect too, because I don't have her problems. I doubt my marriage would last though if I were cheating on my spouse - no, she wasn't caught, but the extra time away from home, the secret phone conversations, the 'business trips' that weren't for business all played a BIG part in her first dh's resentment of her, and his treatment of her as well
That's true. It's always better to say something even if it sounds awkward or makes you feel uncomfortable to say it, than it is to just avoid the friend and say nothing at all, but some people get so hung up on saying the right thing that they end up saying nothing.
Also, if it was an email that didn't get a response, have you considered that maybe the person's computer isn't working, internet is down, they're ill, too busy to check email, etc...lots of reasons why an email might go unanswered for a day or two.
And some people just don't want to be around something negative. Sometimes it's just immaturity at work. I have a friend who is in her late forties. Her mother is still alive, she's an only child, and she hasn't seen her father since she was a kid. When ever any of us (her friends) have lost a parent or a sibling, she's nowhere in sight. She doesn't come to wakes or funerals, and her story is always, "I'm sorry, but I just hate all that kind of stuff. I'll come up next week and have lunch with you." Now MOST people hate "all that stuff", except maybe me, who doesn't mind at all going to funeral parlors and loves cemeteries because I'm weird, but the POINT is that you put your own feelings aside for your friend and bear their sorrow with them.
Re the OP, though, actually taking that moment to slap them a little further down is worse than just ignoring a person's problems. I'd say they weren't true friends to begin with.
This really is circumstance dependent. Yeah, if you've got the friend calling you at 2 a.m. crying about the latest GF/BF woes I agree. But when you're dealing with someone's death, I disagree. That is when people really do need people and if you have nothing nice to say at all, just say nothing at all and walk away. However, you *will* be perceived as a jerk and rightly so if you've been otherwise very close to this person.
Society has gone nut-so with this codependents crap and thinking that just because (what for thousands of years has been considered "normal") someone leans on someone in a time of sorrow that someone else should just ditch them and that this is acceptable behavior.
OT, but that's not what codependency is. Has nothing to do with one person leaning on another.
Sorry, but when caught off guard by what I deem to be cruel or mentally unhealthy reactions, there will always be a why for me. It's not drama. It's my personality. One's father only dies once in a lifetime. How is one to know how others will react? It's a first time deal.
As far as knowing the people around you? Welcome to the world of liars, cheaters, thieves, those living double lives, etc. Certainly I hope you do not blame the victim for this stuff.
Is it possible your circumstances made you more sensitive or that you have certain expectations of how specific people should react in specific situations?
I like, most people at some point in their life, have seen and known selfish, callous or tactless people. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say they were "kicking me while I was down", which to me would mean they got enjoyment out of rubbing whatever I was going through in my face.
If these people are only bad to you when you are going through a crisis, could it be that you might be a little more hyper-sensitive during those difficult times and you're just taking things a little too much to heart? They probably aren't going out of their way to be rude or inconsiderate, they were probably that way all along, but you only notice it during times when you are in need of consolation or just a compassionate ear.
this makes sense--they also do that cause they basically are cruel and enjoy
hurting others--these cowards strike out at timers one is vulnerable
Lots of people do this and most don't realize they have this ugly character trait.
It makes them feel good and powerful to treat someone else badly.
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