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I realize this might be an unpopular topic, but we hear so much in this forum about cutting out most (or at least many) of our friends and family because of how toxic they are. We can't stand their narcissistic, immature, and hurtful behavior, and we're happier that they're gone. It seems most people here believe friendships are fake, based on manipulation and what that person can get out of you, and don't last, and even our family is that way.
But, the thing is, somebody out there is probably saying the same thing about you. So - what are some instances where your toxic behavior has caused people to stop being friends with you, or have family members cut you out of your life? Do you feel guilty about it? What have you tried to do to make amends? Was it for the better?
I've lost track of a lot of people in my life that I used to hang out with, but I can only really think of one time that somebody cut me out of their life, and that was in a dating situation where I really wasn't that interested (partially because the girl was nuts, judgmental towards others, vindictive, and played games every day) but I went along with because she liked me and I got status of having a girlfriend. I was friends with her for a long time, and during the "dating" period I kind of manipulated her into dealing with my "difficulties" at the time of not really wanting to do this. So I kind of deserved it. I feel bad for my contributions, but it's probably for the better. That being said, despite disagreements with other friends and family members occasionally, we've still got each others' back.
Great thread topic! There have been times where I have not conducted myself in relationships in a very mature, honest, or compassionate manner. Fortunately for them, they cut me out of their life and never looked back.
At times I had a tendency to shut people out when going through one of life's many rough patches. I would crawl into my own little world and not return phone calls or emails. I took some people for granted.
There are some who I wish I could reach out to now and apologize for the hurt I've caused. Life is one long learning process. We go through phases and not one of us will get through life undefeated. We aren't always at our best. All I can do is try to be a better person and wish those who I've hurt or disappointed all the best.
Before I hit myself with a clue by four, I was that needy, depressed, whiner, crazy, un-motivated, defeatist, angry person. I pushed people away because I was afraid of getting hurt. In my sick mind, if I chased them away first, it was better that way. My life sucked and I wanted other's lives to suck as well.
One day, I woke up a miserable mess and I wondered why I was alone. I was alone because I did not love myself enough to accept the good in my life. I hated the person who was staring back at me in the mirror. I had lied to myself, made myself believe that I was all right...everyone else was screwed up, I was fine. It was painful to OWN up to my mistakes, faults, warts, and internal ugliness.
I have contacted some people who I have hurt and I apologized for who I was to them. Some were forgiving, other's hurts ran too deep to let me back into their life, which I get. Damn, that was a painful post, but it was real. I fight everyday to not travel the road to self-destruction. I know the depths that it can take me to and it is a bitter pill.
This hasn't happened often but at least once I was "cut out" because I don't approve of certain things, usually illegal or dangerous. I'm ok with that.
Mostly I'm quite flexable and pleasant and since I never push myself on anyone (I'm a bit of a loner) people are usually trying to pull me in instead.
I had a friend a few years ago who cut me out of her life, kind of hurt my feelings because she would not tell me why or what I did. I liked her and would have done anything for her, Oh well that's life.
I've lost a lot of good friends over the years so I have pushed people away because I didn't want to lose anyone else. I've cut out people in my life who have hurt me after a relationship I've always thought it was for the best anyhow.
I have one very old very good friend who I care deeply about and trust with my life, everyone has been reason/season. I can't figure out if I'm a total freak of just unlucky.
My good friend assures me I'm just unlucky, and as most people who have fallen away don't seem to hold any grudges I guess she's right...people are usually just in your life for a short time, precious few stay for ever.
Before I hit myself with a clue by four, I was that needy, depressed, whiner, crazy, un-motivated, defeatist, angry person. I pushed people away because I was afraid of getting hurt. In my sick mind, if I chased them away first, it was better that way. My life sucked and I wanted other's lives to suck as well.
One day, I woke up a miserable mess and I wondered why I was alone. I was alone because I did not love myself enough to accept the good in my life. I hated the person who was staring back at me in the mirror. I had lied to myself, made myself believe that I was all right...everyone else was screwed up, I was fine. It was painful to OWN up to my mistakes, faults, warts, and internal ugliness.
I have contacted some people who I have hurt and I apologized for who I was to them. Some were forgiving, other's hurts ran too deep to let me back into their life, which I get. Damn, that was a painful post, but it was real. I fight everyday to not travel the road to self-destruction. I know the depths that it can take me to and it is a bitter pill.
-m
I applaud you immensely for the self realisation and attempt to a major change in oneself. Such a self discovery was probably quite difficult. And I can only imagine that following through with the change in yourself was extremely difficult. As individuals, we all find things easier when in our comfort zone. To reach outside of that comfort zone must have been difficult.
I personally believe that MOST people don't actually change as much as you seem to have based off of your post. I personnally know of one person in my life that woke up one day and realized they didn' like who they were. They changed, incredibly. Lucky for me, I only know of the person, post change.
One situation where I was shut out was based on quite inappropriate behavior towards my gf at the time, and my particular cousins bf at the time was a major contributor in the variation of the story on what happened, only to save face and reputation. But, the situation got so messed up, that the parents of my cousin got involved to try to figure out what happened. This process put a lot of pressure and backlash on my cousin, due to the actions of her bf at the time. My cousin very descretely and without vocallizing it has shut me out of her life. We are civil when we see each other, but the friendship is pretty much gone.
One thing I learned in that whole mess is that large groups of people, and alcohol don't usually mix well. Usually, someone (yes, even myself potentially) does something stupid that creates a problem.
As far as I know no one has cut me out of their lives, I've basically cut them all out. It's not anything personal against them either. So keep that in mind the reason you think it happened to you might not be accurate.
...But, the thing is, somebody out there is probably saying the same thing about you. So - what are some instances where your toxic behavior has caused people to stop being friends with you, or have family members cut you out of your life? Do you feel guilty about it? What have you tried to do to make amends? Was it for the better?...
My alcoholism reached a point of severely straining relations within the family, and even worse with friends.
When I joined AA, and successfully ceased drinking and in many respects turned by life around, the results were mixed - and somewhat ironically amusing.
My friends were delighted and said so frequently, supplying much positive motivation. One ex-aquaintance who had long avoided me, was so totally bowled over by the change he couldn't shut up...he became my best (if an embarrassing) advertisement. There was with these people the opportunity to set the past to rights. There is one friend - a very close one - that I thoroughly alienated, and by the time I got it together, he had moved and I have never been able to find him after years of searching. This I have finally had to accept (very painfully) as a permanent loss, frozen forever in the past.
With the family it was much different. My favorite aunt was shocked at first, and then delighted and our relationship improved and deepened throughout the rest of her life to the point where it became, perhaps, the most valuable bond I had.
My mother, on the other hand, was horrified - horrified that I had joined AA, horrified that I would tell people, and ultimately horrified at the person I became without alcohol. She quite preferred the sullen, cowed drunkard for a son. When I visited her retirement community, where I already had known a few people from our former hometown, she was surprised that I left the house and visited and talked with new people....and she was very nervous about it, always wanting to know what did I say, why was I friendly with them, etc. I became friendly enough with some of these folks, that after arriving I would go off and drop in on them and chat and have a great time. My mother quite resented these relationships. Need I say that my mother had always been a major control freak, and lived with one golden rule that guided her life: "What will people say!?" An independent, adult son was really the last thing in the world she wanted.
I have discovered over the many years since, that my mother's reaction is rather typical of conservative, controlling parents. Despite the embarrassing behavior "lapses," they are happier with the cowed and otherwise subservient drunk.
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It was painful to OWN up to my mistakes, faults, warts, and internal ugliness. 
