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Old 03-02-2013, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,820 posts, read 6,361,885 times
Reputation: 4885

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you don't need a temporary fix like a vacation would be. Having a husband you hardly see and who can't be actively involved is wrong. He needs to compromise somehow and the only ones who need parenting are 14,11 and 6.They need a dad. You got to make changes now before you're too old to care. Venting is fine too but what does it change? You're venting because you're fed up..tell the one who moved back home, time's up! Get a babysitter once in a while and go on a date with the husband. You're raising the kids while he's out there, having no kids hanging around him...not fair! Changes can always be made but everyone has to want it.
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Old 03-02-2013, 10:30 AM
 
136 posts, read 186,164 times
Reputation: 333
Venting is all well and good but you have a problem and I want to encourage you to find a solution. See your responsibility in all this. It's not about how many kids you have but how you lack authority and control in your home. A 30y/o at home who doesn't help is a child that doesnt respect you(husband). Your younger kids are taking their cues from him. Sounds like they are a bit out of hand already. It's a vicious cycle. It all starts and ends with YOU.

I agree with giving the 30y/o 90 days to find his way out of the house. If he cant find a job, have him look into WWOOF or HELPX Where exchange work for room and board. Now I can't personally vouch for either but I have heard good and some bad things. Give him a bus/plane ticket and send him on his way.

OP, you really need a break. You need time for your self. Start with taking a day away when the husband is home. If you're worried about the young one, then take her with you and have a girls day/weekend. Check into a local hotel and relax.
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Old 03-02-2013, 11:28 AM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,923,267 times
Reputation: 10919
Hire a sitter occasionally so you can get the hell out of the house, or to just lock yourself in your room and get some uninterrupted sleep/r&r, whatever!
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Old 03-02-2013, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Striving for Avalon
1,424 posts, read 2,091,262 times
Reputation: 3348
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishiis49 View Post
Wow!! God bless you!!! That's rough!!!
I think God has "blessed" her enough for another lifetime or two.
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Old 03-02-2013, 12:01 PM
 
223 posts, read 169,002 times
Reputation: 442
Yes I am a mother, of teenagers in fact, and I would never, ever, ever wish them away, no matter how badly they behave.

I brought them up entirely alone - I had no child support, no family support.

I worked my guts out to put them through private school and raise them right as a single mother.

I have never ever ever once regretted them they way OP has "vented". Ever.

I look at my kids as my finest achievement, having them the best days of my life and I have adored them ever since in that blind doting Mom way.

I used to enjoy the peace when they went to the deadbeats, but pine for them by Sunday night.

I have never once said "I'm over this" when my kids were still babies, like 6 years old and 11 are. I was still proud as punch and parenting as best I could, which has turned out to be pretty gd well.

I have never ever been "tired" of being a parent. It is your hardest work and greatest joy.
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:29 PM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,712,118 times
Reputation: 46025
Quote:
Originally Posted by asitshouldbe View Post
I think I have gotten to the point where I am just plain burnt out. I've been a parent for almost 31 years and I never get a break. I can't do anything without kids, we don't have relatives to leave the kids with, my husband and I would like to take a trip by ourselves maybe once a year, but that isn't possible.
I don't know what to do, sometimes I feel so stressed from kids fighting and mess making and never ending kids shows.
My husband works out of state 3 weeks a month so that doesn't help and I have a grown son who moved home 2 years ago who seems to never want to get his $hit together and move out.
Somedays I feel like screaming!
Okay.

Adult son who has not gotten his act together now can be your official babysitter. In exchange for his room and board, he has to take care of your youngest children. If he is not willing to do so, he can move out.

There. That solves a large part of your problem, one way or another. If he agrees, you and hubby can take a nice, relaxing vacay. If he doesn't, you're back down to three kids at home.

And, by the way, your 14- and 11-year-old can contribute to the management of the house. Make them vacuum. Make them clean bathrooms. Make them clean the dishes after dinnertime. I mean, when we're done with dinner, MrsCPG and I depart for the den while the kids put away the dishes and food, wipe down the counters, and start the dishwasher. No, they don't do it perfectly, but after several years of this, there's no question that they're supposed to help out around the house.

I'm the parent of an 18-, 16-, and 14-year old. I have a countdown clock going on my computer for when the last child graduates. I love my kids, but I. Can't. Wait.

Last edited by cpg35223; 03-02-2013 at 03:37 PM..
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:58 PM
 
Location: San Marcos, TX
2,572 posts, read 6,569,763 times
Reputation: 4022
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Okay.

Adult son who has not gotten his act together now can be your official babysitter. In exchange for his room and board, he has to take care of your youngest children. If he is not willing to do so, he can move out.

There. That solves a large part of your problem, one way or another. If he agrees, you and hubby can take a nice, relaxing vacay. If he doesn't, you're back down to three kids at home.

And, by the way, your 14- and 11-year-old can contribute to the management of the house. Make them vacuum. Make them clean bathrooms. Make them clean the dishes after dinnertime. I mean, when we're done with dinner, MrsCPG and I depart for the den while the kids put away the dishes and food, wipe down the counters, and start the dishwasher. No, they don't do it perfectly, but after several years of this, there's no question that they're supposed to help out around the house.

I'm the parent of an 18-, 16-, and 14-year old. I have a countdown clock going on my computer for when the last child graduates. I love my kids, but I. Can't. Wait.

I agree with this specifically. A 30 year old (or whatever adult age) returning home? Yay! Instant sitter, maid, etc. I have a 20 year old "mancub" here at home. Now, when he is working and/or in school or some combo of the two, I ease up on him and his chores are about even with what I expect of everyone in the family.


However, during periods where he was doing neither (and there have been those periods), his time belonged to me. Watching younger siblings, doing dishes, taking out trash, vacuuming, doing family laundry, cleaning, taking care of the dogs. Basically whatever i wanted/needed him to do, he did, and if he didn't like it, well he knew where the door was. Motivating for sure. Working for pay and working at something productive (i.e school) is certainly preferable, as he has learned. No crap job is going to work him as hard as Mom will.

As for your 14 and 11 year old fighting, no need to put up with that either. They can go to their rooms, or if they share, one to the room and one elsewhere to sit and think about getting along, clean while they think about it, etc. My kids argue but they don't get physical and they don't yell and scream at each other. I don't care if they get along or not as long as they keep it to a civil audio level and aren't being 'hateful' or physical with each other. They can argue and bicker all day long, as long as they stay away from me while doing so and don't come to me to have me "solve it" or try to get me to take sides.

I certainly understand the need to vent but no need to be a doormat either.
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Old 03-02-2013, 04:08 PM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,712,118 times
Reputation: 46025
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally_Sparrow View Post
I agree with this specifically. A 30 year old (or whatever adult age) returning home? Yay! Instant sitter, maid, etc. I have a 20 year old "mancub" here at home. Now, when he is working and/or in school or some combo of the two, I ease up on him and his chores are about even with what I expect of everyone in the family.


However, during periods where he was doing neither (and there have been those periods), his time belonged to me. Watching younger siblings, doing dishes, taking out trash, vacuuming, doing family laundry, cleaning, taking care of the dogs. Basically whatever i wanted/needed him to do, he did, and if he didn't like it, well he knew where the door was. Motivating for sure. Working for pay and working at something productive (i.e school) is certainly preferable, as he has learned. No crap job is going to work him as hard as Mom will.

As for your 14 and 11 year old fighting, no need to put up with that either. They can go to their rooms, or if they share, one to the room and one elsewhere to sit and think about getting along, clean while they think about it, etc. My kids argue but they don't get physical and they don't yell and scream at each other. I don't care if they get along or not as long as they keep it to a civil audio level and aren't being 'hateful' or physical with each other. They can argue and bicker all day long, as long as they stay away from me while doing so and don't come to me to have me "solve it" or try to get me to take sides.

I certainly understand the need to vent but no need to be a doormat either.
Yep. Best piece of advice I've ever heard: "Don't cripple your children by making their lives easy."
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Old 03-02-2013, 04:38 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,185 posts, read 15,011,971 times
Reputation: 18249
Keep in mind that the OP is older and probably had the 6 year old when she was in her 40's. I'm wondering if the husband/father was always away like this. Maybe it is his choice because he can't take it either. Only 3 of those kids should still be at home and strict guidelines should be place, think discipline, for the 11 and 14 year old. I think the major frustration is that mom is stuck with the kids and probably mom thought after the 3 oldest she wouldn't have anymore. The husband/father needs to find a way to enjoy the kids that he most likely thought he needed. Tired of being a parent? Well, I'm guessing mom is too old, thankfully, to become pregnant again. Venting. I don't know, if the kids came across this some how.......................Mom might need counseling rather than just a vacation because I think the issue is more the situation than just needing a break.
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Old 03-02-2013, 04:46 PM
 
223 posts, read 169,002 times
Reputation: 442
I have a friend who has the same problem.

She has 2 adult daughters who lay about the house all day, smoke her cigarettes, drink her booze, eat her food, never lift a finger, and whinge all the time.

Add in an angry and increasingly hostile husband, a drunken and impoverished ex husband, their cats they won't look after themselves, and all of them are feeding off her kindness.

She lends money to all of them. She's the only one with a job. No one else pays a cent for bills except her current husband.

And do you know what I say? I say "you are the only one who can fix it".

I say "we've all given you advice" and I say "you have choices".

I pretty much say "we're not going to enable you in this insane lifestyle by listening and sympathising over and over" because it is literally killing her and we don't wish to enable that.
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