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{{{OP}}} I havent read the whole thread, and until you wrote a sister was also abused, I wondered if your mom had you from a different man and thats why your dad was worse to you. I guess that could still be the case, not that I'm excusing him one stinking bit. May he and I hate to say it, your mom also rot in hades. You owe her nothing!
You said your sisters have to ok what you spend, I hope they dont go through with it and they DO have the power to just hand it over to you. Who's gonna know? Also, I hope your moms BF's money is tied up in her estate and it goes to you girls. Yes, I'm focused on the money cause thats all you 3 girls have from your sorry parents. I hope you get enough to buy you a home and pay for therapy for life. Can you tell your story has made me so mad I'm ready to blow? I'm sorry and wish you nothing but a lifetime of happiness. I've prayed for all 3 of you and hope your dad suffers worse than your mom is.
About the BF's money your mom hid for him, is it still in her account? If not, was it removed after she was sick? If so, you might be able to get it back, saying it was hers and he made her give it to him. I'm actually surprised your mom is giving you 3 anything, that she's not leaving it to her honey.
You are worth the world friend, and too bad with the bad luck of the draw you were given parents like you recieved. Dont EVER think you deserved what you got. Think of it as a test to show how very strong you are. I'd be proud to call you my daughter, and with all my heart wish you were. Crying and have to stop now, but be safe and happy cyber daughter, hugs and love to you and your sisters.
Its just so crazy to me. Since her diagnosis in January, I have been perpetually weepy and crying, calling every day, trying to find things to make her happy and comfortable to send her, traveling back and forth to see her, taking time off of work in copious amounts, etc. I have lamented to my therapist our lack of relationship and the wound that I have always carried that I was wrong, bad, unworthy and unlovable.
Now I am full of indignant, righteous anger. My conscience is clear in regards to how I am behaving and carrying myself, but I am still seething and taking a grim satisfaction in watching her decline. Its a 180. I feel foolish for the all the time I spent mourning her loss of mobility and dignity. I have not shed a single tear for her since this came to light.
In a way, her confession has set you free. You no longer feel the need to "earn" her love as you now know it wasnt worth having. You've probably spent your life trying to come up to her "standards", you're also now free to just be the real and true YOU which is an amazing young woman. I'd bet after her death, you'll grieve but feel a freeness you've never felt before. You will no longer be judged unfairly and need to win her love and respect.
Feeling sick about these different stories, I asked my mother (gently as she is in and out of a comatose state) if there was a time when my father had hurt me. She didn't even ask for clarification. She said that he had abused me so badly that I had to go to the emergency room and be repaired, and that she lied to everyone so that he wouldn't leave her and go to jail. My father used to beat me senseless when I was tiny-- so badly that he broke my jaw when I was three and I passed out on more than one occasion. I really think (and my sisters agree) that he was trying to kill me to cover up the evidence. I also remember changing my underwear all the time and getting yelled at for it, pain when I was using the potty, etc.
She did not ask for forgiveness, and immediately started asking us about her current boyfriend who was supposed to visit that day. I don't even have words for how upset I am about this. I have a therapist I have been seeing for a while and have scheduled time with her, so I am definitely trying to get help. I am so outraged I can't adequately express it. All my life I was branded the loser, the druggie ( I never did drugs), the **** (I was a virgin until I was 18), damaged goods. I am healthy, with a good job, respected and loved by my friends and sisters, independent, etc. I never understood why I was the family criminal. I got straight As. I was the most attractive person in the family (objectively) but I was always called ugly. I cut off ties with my mom except for a phone call now and then when I left home because it was so clear that she disliked and rejected me. Now it is clear why. Even to this day-- she set up a trust for my sisters and I. I am the ONLY one who has to get both of my sister's permission to use my share of the trust. NOTHING in my life would indicate that I was not responsible with my money and yet, she is still trying to perpetuate the idea that I am a loser, tainted, wrong and needing to be supervised.
I cried as I read your story and can't imagine what you're going thru right now. At first I couldn't even believe that your mother told you this and thought it might have been better if she'd kept it secret, but it occurred to me that she gave you a gift on her deathbed and that is confirmation that all of the things that you've suspected all these years is true. It sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders and you certainly know the difference between right and wrong, but you must surely have doubted yourself at times and thought that you had something wrong with you if mom didn't love you and now you know for a fact that she was sick beyond redemption and that you are blameless and strong. I'm willing to bet that the righteous anger you're feeling is a relief and I wish you all the best in repairing your relationship with your sister and moving past this in the future, but for now I'd revel in that anger--it's got to be healing.
As for the man they call your father: I do believe that eventually, and when you're ready, he should be called out on this. I agree that suing would probably not work but I hope that you can think of some way to keep him away from children.
Omg Confused, I just read post #60 and until then, never realized you were the one who had posted the sister scam thread. I posted to it also. Glad to hear you & sis are getting along.
You may or may not be correct. The statute of limitations varies from state to state and there is none for heinous crimes, though what is defined as a heinous crime varies from state to state. There is never, for example, a statute of limitations for murder. This is why people are suggesting contacting an attorney, to clarify the situation and to evaluate all options. Forgiveness can be very healing, but it's not a one way street. Justice is also part of the healing process.
Years ago the statute of limitations for childhood sexual abuse became from the time you first remembered it. Since this is a new revelation that time starts now. I second taping your Mother discussing this.., even if you use your phone camera.
I think this man has hurt plenty of people by now, and clearly since he got away with so much has absolutely no conscious or limitations to what vile things he will do/has done. Sadly, generally people that perpetrate this have also been childhood victims.
Did I read right, another poster mentioned his present wife has 3 daughters?? I would call social services in his area an make them aware....I guarantee he picked out his wife in part because of the availability of the girls. His wife won't believe you, I've told my ex's new wife years ago, she called me a liar.
Sick as that sounds, it is how these scenario's often work. My ex tried to sexually abuse my daughter, thank goodness she came to me before the the worst could happen, while he was still "grooming" her.
There is not heaven or earth I would not move to protect my children. We left, I even tried getting the catholic church to force him into counseling....no help there. We went through an annulment at his request when he wanted to re-marry. During the annulment process I wrote about the abuse, I held nothing back. He wrote about none of it. I was treated like a shrew by the priest....I didn't look back. I didn't lose faith in God or a "higher" power, but I never returned to that church.
Shame on your mother. You were the target child, your family was very sick. It is amazing how sometimes the most emotionally strong people come from the worst life situations. God Bless you.
I know you are right about the law differing from state to state. I don't think I explained what I was thinking very well in re: to focusing on the legal aspects of the situation.
There will be time in the future to deal with what the OP may or may not wish to pursue in regard to legal matters and the abuse from her father.
What I was trying to say is . . . right now, at this moment in time, that is not where her focus needs to be. Right now, she needs to be caring for herself and working on processing the info with a therapist rather than an attorney.
Dealing with forgiveness issues and "justice" issues are for down the road. My understanding is that there is most likely no way to pursue the abuse in criminal court at this late date. There may be a way in civil court. I am no attorney and yes, laws differ, but in any case . . . that is all something for the future.
All well and good. But, if she needs to say something to her mother, she needs to be able to say it, now.
She shouln't have to live w/ regreting not having some type of closure confronting her mother...She has dealt already with too many things that were not her burden, but that of the others who perpetrating these vile crimes against her.
Just to clarify, folks keep mentioning prosecuting the offender.
First of all, only a DA can commence a CRIMINAL action and the laws vary immensely from state to state. A criminal action is the one that will do such things as have a person put on a sexual offender list - and serve a sentence in prison.
Here is a list of states and their individual laws regarding CRIMINAL action and statutes of limitation. It is not true that all states recognize a year after reporting to officials (or "remembering" the abuse).
A CIVIL lawsuit is a lawsuit that seeks MONETARY settlement. There is a huge difference between prosecuting someone (jail time) under CRIMINAL LAW and filing a lawsuit yourself under CIVIL LAW (monetary award).
A gd "doctor" was such a piece of work, 65 years ago, that he sent my baby sister home with my mom, when they KNEW that the infant was born with no RECTUM, and was inevitably going to die! Anyone with any sort of humanity would have told my Father, and the authorities, euthanized it, and told my mom that the baby had died in its sleep. It almost drove my mother insane, watching that kid starve to death, cause she could not keep down any milk. My mom never truly got over it, and I would CHEERFULLY horsewhip that doctor, were he still living!
Years ago the statute of limitations for childhood sexual abuse became from the time you first remembered it. Since this is a new revelation that time starts now. I second taping your Mother discussing this.., even if you use your phone camera.
Great idea but it may not be enough . Keep in mind that a bedside confession in a comatose (perhaps medicated) state without consent cant erase the decades of silence.
There are so many parties to consider and none have come forawrd . Bio dad isn't about to confess . The hospital staff of that time might have chalked it up to an injury and not recall (unless they covered it up). Her mom isn't confessing it openly. Then there are the neighbors and teachers who could have reported the beatings described in her posts . Even her siblings have have had decades to confront this but they haven't.
Keep in mind that any claim of this nature has to be substantiated with evidence to support it and every person in the OP's life failed to present it.
So what can the OP expect of this ?
Criminal prosecution ?
Damages ?
Malpractice ?
It falls into categories of civil , criminal, and estate law . Consulting three attorneys in those fields for a consultation might be the legal route .
Maybe its best to simply disengage from all of these people who failed her , request her part of the share of the trust , and take time to herself to heal .
All well and good. But, if she needs to say something to her mother, she needs to be able to say it, now.
She shouln't have to live w/ regreting not having some type of closure confronting her mother...She has dealt already with too many things that were not her burden, but that of the others who perpetrating these vile crimes against her.
I am not sure if you are directing your comment to me, or not. If she needs to say something to her mother, I am assuming she either has or will. I certainly am not saying she shouldn't!
What i was referring to in the post you quoted is that seeking retribution for her victimization is not top on the priority list while she is visiting her mother. That will all fall in place after she can get back home, clear her mind, talk to her therapist and decide what she wants to do with these revelations.
Several people have indicated that OP needs to get a confession on tape, a recording, something written - etc. That is over the top! Consult a lawyer and you will see what I am saying is true -- mother was not the perpetrator. She may be considered complicit in covering up the act, but her "confession" was little more than pointing the finger at father as the problem. She has not taken responsibility for anything - she has not even really apologized, much less asked for forgiveness. Such a statement about father having molested daughter would probably not even be admissible in court unless mother flat out stated she witnessed the act taking place.
I don't want to take the emphasis on this thread off course. OP came here asking how she was to get through the next few days and if I read correctly she will be leaving and going back home soon (tomorrow?) What she needs from us is support . . . and when she is ready to think about the other courses of action she may or may not want to pursue, she can research that and decide what she wants to do.
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