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OP could you tell us are you still considering helping them? Where are you at in all this? I can't imagine you would be. What is going on, then?
As of today I have not helped them but the pressure to do so is incredible. I get letters and phone calls and personal appeals from my mother and father and the son and daughter of my brother. They also told me that if I don't help them I am dead to them next Christmas. They are pulling out all stops shaming me!
As of today I have not helped them but the pressure to do so is incredible. I get letters and phone calls and personal appeals from my mother and father and the son and daughter of my brother. They also told me that if I don't help them I am dead to them next Christmas. They are pulling out all stops shaming me!
Wow, if only they devoted as much time to taking care of their personal responsibilities and not getting into such a mess. It's easy to say from the outside, but so what if you're "dead to them" by Christmas. I don't believe it for a minute, because in their minds, you're their ticket to easy street. They won't just walk away, they're trying to blackmail you. And these are supposed to be people that love you.
I refuse to help people who won't help themselves and think that everyone else owes them something for their life choices.
I mostly would not, simply because the family members I personally know who are struggling, are in that position because of continued poor choices. Popping out 5 kids, shopping sprees on credit cards, drugs, alcohol abuse, laziness, losing jobs due to fighting with people, playing the welfare system.
I do have a relative that I would send money in a heartbeat. She is kind, 100% hard worker, no kids, has always been employed and lives a very quiet and frugal lifestyle. She grows her own food, barters, and shops resale with no desire to impress people with fancy items she cannot afford. I would help her out at the drop of a hat, and of course, she is probably the only one who would never ask anyone for a cent, and would never feel entitled to anything...She is also most likely the person who will inherit from me one day since I have no plans for kids.
Interesting replies so far but let me clarify my question:
, should the rich family member send them a regular check because they are family?)
If you found out one of Bill Gates's brothers or sisters were living near the poverty line but working full time, would you think less of Bill Gates?
Sending lots of cash to people who will squander it is like tossing it out the window. It depends on how they manage their cash and how responsible they are.
If I were B. Gates, I would be providing full ride educations to top private schools to the one's who worked at it, and wanted it. Buying someone a Lamborghini does nothing for them, only their ego.
If I had a bunch of extra money I would offer to pay for education or vocational training for any family members who needed or wanted it. I'd also help out with unexpected expenses (for example, the transmission goes out on the car) if they couldn't be helped. But I wouldn't send anyone a monthy check.
Life is too short, this is the one life for each of us. You don't need the family drama in your life. Once you recognize manipulation for what it is, then don't let yourself be manipulated. You can chose to be co-dependent or an enabler or whatever you want to all. Then you will be locked in the ugliness forever.
Or you can look at it " say " No way , I'm done " and go live your life the way that makes you happy. None of us needs people in our lives that make us feel bad about ourselves, guilty, miserable, etc. In your case, I'd run away from family. They bring you no pleasure. I'd not cut them off if you don't want to but I'd limit contact .Send a holiday card, a birthday card, calla few rimes a year and be done with the nonsense.
This is not about holding a grudge. It's about setting yourself free. One other thing, I do not understand the need to discuss money, who makes more, who has more, etc. It's no one's business. It also serves no useful purpose as you can see from many of the threads on this board. Your relatives do not have to know how much money you have.
You have a dysfunctional family. If you tell them you're doing well financially, their thought is- " give me your money " In a non dysfunctional family, the thought is " good for them . I'm happy for them ".
Your choice- set yourself free or keep deliberately falling back into the hole and keep fighting to get out of it.
The bolded part is very true. My brother and SIL are wealthy by most peoples standards, probably a net worth of 2 or 3 million. They worked very hard all their lives and all of us are truly happy for them.
But, I have to admit that I am a little jealous at times. My SILs pension (not her retirement savings or SS or investments but her actual work pension) is far, far more than my actual salary while I was working full time in my career. Her pension is close to six figures a year. I wish that I could fly first class a half dozen times a year to visit friends & enjoy a hobby in other cities. Instead I am stuck working four or five days a week as a substitute teacher after retirement. But even though I am a little envious my main feeling is happiness for her that she can do all of those things.
Now as part of a non-dysfunctional family, I do not ask my siblings for help, even when my husband was unemployed for two years (in part because of his serious health needs) and I needed to take on a second job in addition to my primary job after I retired (due to my health problems).
However, because we are a non-dysfunctional family my siblings have offered to help (which I have turned down). I know that if I really, really, really needed the help I could accept it and everything would still be fine between us.
Willow Wind's comments bear repeating. You have a dysfunctional family. If you tell them you're doing well financially, their thought is- " give me your money " In a non dysfunctional family, the thought is " good for them . I'm happy for them ".
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-28-2013 at 09:22 AM..
Now I have helped in an emergency with "Send me the car repair bill" or "Send me the doctor bill". But never would I feel obligated to send regular payments. they will depend on it, assume they are entitled to it and get PO'd when it stops coming. Not a good idea. Don't let your family intimidate you with "dead to us at Christmas". Do you really want to PAY for your family's affection? That is what they are asking.
You are not responsible for the poor choices your siblings have made and neither are you responsible for their future. If they think you are, they are not worth the drama and energy.
Interesting replies so far but let me clarify my question:
My brothers and sisters think we should share out wealth and basically send them a supplemental income based on the fact that we are doing so well and they are not.
While we are not millionaires, should the hard working but working class low paid brother and sister live a life of struggle if their brother or sister was wealthy? Or should the wealthy sister help support financially their poor brothers and sisters because they are family? (I am not talking about a full support but if the working class brothers and sisters are working full time and just getting by, should the rich family member send them a regular check because they are family?)
If you found out one of Bill Gates's brothers or sisters were living near the poverty line but working full time, would you think less of Bill Gates?
wealthy is such a relative term.....means diff to everyone. As a financial planner, I def. would not categorize you as a wealthy. Are you comfortable? Probably from what you have described. Your problem runs deeper than just money.
Since you brought up Bill Gates, are you aware he is not inheriting all his vast wealth to his children? Again its all relative....considering his wealth, Gates actually lives a somewhat modest life compared to the top richest people in the world.
His buddy (Warren Buffet) and also one of the richest man in the world once said ""A very rich person should leave his kids enough to do anything, but not enough to do nothing.". Even if you can afford to bail your family out financially, would they change? Your family issues run far deeper than just money
Why are you still talking to them? Cut off ties, it sounds like that's what they want if they're willing to let money come between you. Now, of course, they'll make it sound like you're the one letting money get in the way, but you know that's not the case. Consider yourself lucky to be dead to them and free from their drama.
My husband and I are doing quite well financially. We both make a very large income and have lots of money left over after we pay our bills. We also have been doing quite well with our investments. Getting great jobs and making lots of money was a combination of luck, good fortune based on some gambles, and committing ourselves to education and professional development.
My brothers and sisters (all are working class folks making less than $10 an hour) are not doing so well financially. All of them are hard workers and most of them work 2-3 jobs. They are always working but can't get their heads above water due to expenses in our inflationary times.
They think it is only fair that my husband and I send them money help them out on a regular basis because we hit the jackpot with our successful careers and good investment choices, and they didn't.
Do you help support less successful members of your family due to a very successful career and investments? Should you?
* Should someone like a Bill Gates (a Billionaire) see that his working class family all live well because he has more money than he can ever spend? (As long as they don't waste the money and continue to work full time)
** Sorry to report I am not Bill Gates but we are doing fine.
What happens when you constantly feed wild animals? They become dependent on humans to get their food. The same will happen if you decide to support your poor family members and relatives. They'll become dependent on you to pay all of their bills. Don't give anything to them. Let them fend for themselves.
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