Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My inlaws were very much against me. Now a few years later they're not and we have a close relationship. We all won. It can happen.
And my husband is VERY grateful to me for being generous toward his parents. He would have taken a very firm stand, but I had the opportunity to ease that burden on him by being gracious toward his parents. He is very appreciative and that's good for our marriage.
The risk went well for you but that doesn't mean the OP's mother is worth the risk either. You're giving her too much credit here. I doubt your in-laws have forgave your husband for his mistake.
The risk went well for you but that doesn't mean the OP's mother is worth the risk either. You're giving her too much credit here. I doubt your in-laws have forgave your husband for his mistake.
You don't know enough about their relationship and neither do I to make sweeping judgments about their long term relationship. As for my inlaws, frankly I don't care what their private opinion is as long as they keep it to themselves.
At some point, you are going to have to decide who is more important, your wife or your parents. Let your parents know you're not going to listen to negative talk about her race or anything else about her. She is your family, they can accept her and treat her with respect or you don't need to have a relationship with them. It will probably get worse when you have children, if you do.
Also tell your wife it's not her fault and you don't blame her for any of it.
You don't know enough about their relationship and neither do I to make sweeping judgments about their long term relationship. As for my inlaws, frankly I don't care what their private opinion is as long as they keep it to themselves.
Yep because one who openly express such brazen arrogance on such a matter (it has nothing to do with her) is a relationship worth saving. Yet she has also shown not one iota of remorse. You're making a sweeping judgment that she is worthy of forgiveness. Even if she is that doesn't mean he has to be best friends with her. His wife also has every right to keep her away from them.
I'm at wits end. My relationship with both of my parents have been rocky since high school. Currently I do not speak to my father at all unless there's a real reason to do so (and if we do it's always fine, but we don't go out of our way to talk to each other and it's been about a year or so since I've spoken with him). I speak to my mother on the phone once every 2 weeks on average, and we'll just talk about life.
There are many reasons out relationship isn't great, but the big one is that I married a woman they did not approve of. My wife is a terrific person that everyone likes, but my parents decided she wasn't right for me because of (1) her race and (2) they feel she's not very good looking! So best case scenario they are just racist and judgmental people. After that I cut off all ties to my parents for over a year before I began speaking with my mother again, and it's been like that for about 5 years.
We basically avoid talking about it, but today on the phone my mom mentioned that she "forgives" me for marrying my wife. It took all the restraint I have to not scream at her and hang up. How dare she have this kind of attitude when she's the one that should be apologizing to both my wife and me?
I can be an adult about this. In fact, I think i've done a good job doing so. If my parents don't want to accept my wife, I can understand that. But that my mother feels like I should actually be SORRY that I didn't agree with their racist and judgmental views on my wife is just insane.
Honestly at this point I do not know how I should deal with this person that happened to have given birth to me.
Keep your distance from these people. You should be happy you turned out okay, despite who raised you.
Yep because one who openly express such brazen arrogance on such a matter (it has nothing to do with her) is a relationship worth saving. Yet she has also shown not one iota of remorse. You're making a sweeping judgment that she is worthy of forgiveness. Even if she is that doesn't mean he has to be best friends with her. His wife also has every right to keep her away from them.
Do you actually read what people post or do you just jump to conclusions willy nilly?
I said this MAY be an option for SOME people, and I asked the OP to CONSIDER it as an OPTION.
At some point, you are going to have to decide who is more important, your wife or your parents. Let your parents know you're not going to listen to negative talk about her race or anything else about her. She is your family, they can accept her and treat her with respect or you don't need to have a relationship with them. It will probably get worse when you have children, if you do.
Also tell your wife it's not her fault and you don't blame her for any of it.
Why do you say this?
I've known a lot of interracial couples over my lifetime, since I was a military "brat" and then wife and now mom. Often, having kids brings families together. Not every time, but often.
There's something about seeing your own "flesh and blood" with lovely light brown skin that makes some people reconsider their preconceived notions.
My advice to the OP is for him to draw very clear boundaries with his parents - for instance, no rudeness, no insults, veiled or otherwise - and if they say or do anything insulting then he needs to enact immediate consequences. For instance, my mother was pretty out of hand for awhile (not about racial stuff, but another matter - long story but it was serious). So, for two years, unfortunately I didn't speak with her at all. The ball was in her court, so to speak - she had been the person to be rude and out of line so she needed to apologize and get to another place in her head before I subjected myself and my kids to her. When she finally "came around," I told her, "OK - this is a good start. Now...if you bring this matter up again, you do know that I'm going to immediately leave or ask you to leave my house, right?" I actually did have to get up and leave her house - a couple of times within five minutes of getting there - pack up presents, food, luggage, etc. - in order to establish those boundaries, but in the end, my relationship, and my kids' relationship, with my parents was worth the effort.
It's not easy, and it may not work, but sometimes the best thing to do is work hard at establishing healthy boundaries, and then sticking with it through a rough time, for the sake of a relationship that, in the end, is worth the effort. People CAN change. They don't always take us up on that, and it's not easy, but sometimes it can be done.
I love my mother very much. She was worth the effort.
What's the problem? You're now an adult. You get to chose the people in your life. If your mother is not willing to be the type of friend or person you want in your life, then you don't have to allow her in your life.
It's called setting up boundaries. You give her boundaries (i.e. no bad talking your wife) and if she doesn't comply, she gets the consequences (i.e. no relationship with you). The ball is in her court.
No need for you to feel guilty for the choices made by your mother.
Honestly at this point I do not know how I should deal with this person that happened to have given birth to me.
You're an adult. Tell your mother that you find her views offensive.
If she starts getting nasty, I would just say, "I have chosen to marry [wife's name] because she is a good woman and I love her. That is not subject to your approval, and I neither need nor want to hear your opinions on the matter. This is not open for discussion, and if you continue to make this an issue, I will cut the conversation short and hang up every single time."
Then stick to it. Sooner or later, your mother will get the hint. And if she doesn't? Well, that's less toxicity in your life when you walk away from her.
I don't buy the premise that shared DNA makes a family, and I see no reason to subject yourself to your mother's ugliness. Life is short--too short for that crap.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
At some point, you are going to have to decide who is more important, your wife or your parents. Let your parents know you're not going to listen to negative talk about her race or anything else about her. She is your family, they can accept her and treat her with respect or you don't need to have a relationship with them. It will probably get worse when you have children, if you do.
Also tell your wife it's not her fault and you don't blame her for any of it.
I can vouch for what you say about kids. My grandparents hated my father. They thought my mother could "do better." My grandmother was a bit bigoted as well. She hated Italians, always tossing around epithets, which was ironic given that she was married to one. As a result, my siblings and I were treated like second-class citizens compared to my cousins. Eventually, we just stopped visiting, as my parents did not want us subjected to that.
They ever say, "I forgive you." My response would be, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." See what I did there - you didn't say your sorry, you said you are sorry they feel that way. Make them own their words - don't you wear them.
Is your wife aware of how they feel and do you both have a sense of humor? The reason I ask is I would show up at EVERY family function and holiday dinner together and as often as possible. Where your relationship proudly and tick 'em off at the same time.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
