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I come from a very large family. Large but closely-knit. Everyone turns up for birthdays, weddings, parties, etc. Cousins in our family aren't cousins - they are brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles are more like second parents. It's always been like that in our family and I feel very privileged to have grown up in such an environment. But right now things aren't good, and it all starts with what my aunt (mom's sister) said and did to my daughters.
My daughters (11 and 14) are biracial. I'm white and my husband is African-American. As I said, my family is closely-knit, so when I was growing up as a child, I considered my aunt to be something akin to a second mother. We were close, and until this incident, had been close. Sometimes my daughters would spend the weekend at my aunt's place.
Two weeks ago, I picked my daughters up after they spent the weekend at my aunt's place. My youngest started crying, and my eldest also started crying. I asked them what was wrong. My eldest told me that during the last few visits to her house, my aunt had been favoring her. With things like treats, compliments and just general friendliness. And that she hadn't been as receptive to my youngest daughter. The reason? Because my 14 yr old has lighter skin (it's more "white" than "black") and my 11 yr old has a darker complexion (think light caramel brown). She told my youngest, "if only you had your sister's skin tone, you'd be so much prettier. It's a shame."
Words cannot explain how angry and heartbroken I was (and still am) when I heard this. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
As I have said, my family is closely-knit, and this incident has caused a stir. My parents are just as furious as I am and are not speaking to my aunt. There are several people in my family (my siblings) who have taken the same lead. But then there is another side that is saying I'm overreacting and that I should forgive my aunt. That what she did and said isn't too big a deal. There are several big family events coming up and with the way things are right now, they are going to be a total disaster.
I just can't find it in me to forgive my aunt. If she had done something directly to ME (and isolated to myself) I could find it in me to forgive. But not what she did to my daughters. No way. First of all there is no way I could trust my aunt to be alone with my daughters ever again. Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
This isn't about the extended family. This is about you, your aunt and your daughters. I would remind your extended family that you and you alone will deal with the situation. Tell them they don't have to pick sides.
IMO, I would sit down with your aunt and explain how mean & hurtful her comments were to your daughter. Remind her how cruel and racist she was. You might get an apology, you might not. But at least you will clear the air. If you no longer want your daughters to spend time with her, tell her this is why.
Then let it go. You don't have to forgive, but you also don't have to dwell on it. Put this aunt on your ignore forever list if you like, then go about your business.
When you go to family functions, socialize with everyone but her. Don't throw up barriers between your children and their other relatives, especially cousins close to their own ages. Your aunt created an ugly, disgusting incident but it doesn't have to destroy the life between your daughters and other relatives unless you let it.
This isn't about the extended family. This is about you, your aunt and your daughters. I would remind your extended family that you and you alone will deal with the situation. Tell them they don't have to pick sides.
IMO, I would sit down with your aunt and explain how mean & hurtful her comments were to your daughter. Remind her how cruel and racist she was. You might get an apology, you might not. But at least you will clear the air. If you no longer want your daughters to spend time with her, tell her this is why.
Then let it go. You don't have to forgive, but you also don't have to dwell on it. Put this aunt on your ignore forever list if you like, then go about your business.
When you go to family functions, socialize with everyone but her. Don't throw up barriers between your children and their other relatives, especially cousins close to their own ages. Your aunt created an ugly, disgusting incident but it doesn't have to destroy the life between your daughters and other relatives unless you let it.
My husband said the same about family functions. That we can still attend but we don't have to be in interaction with her. He was thinking about sitting down and talking to her own his own as well. I was planning on simply skipping the events but I do realize it would be unfair on my kids (they love family events). The thing I can't figure out is why. I've known my aunt all my and she's never done anything like this (had she done so, my daughters wouldn't be spending weekends at her house).
It's disturbing enough that she said and acted in that way. But the fact that she doesn't recognize why it's troublesome and continues to justify it makes it worse. You have absolutely no obligation to forgive her. I sure as hell wouldn't. You can tell the extended family that if they think it isn't a big deal, then they are as much a problem, and if they ever treat your children differently because of the color of their skin, then you'll cease speaking to them as well.
Last edited by hertfordshire; 08-23-2016 at 11:23 AM..
I see it as possibly less about race, and more about beauty. She favors what she sees as beauty.
It is comparable to having a fat child and a thin child and favoring the thin child and telling the fat child to be more like her sister.
It is favoritism. It didn't sound like she had a history of racism or objecting to your union. Maybe there is more to the story.
I would try not to start a family feud, and keep it between you and her. Your parents are involved now and they are taking sides of course. It seems like what is best for the family is to not even repeat what was said. You don't want those words uttered ever again into another ear.
The kids love the family and they shouldn't be punished further, or be the topic of gossip. You don't have to forgive the aunt or interact with her but think about what is best for the kids and how to not allow negative attention to shine on them.
I see it as possibly less about race, and more about beauty. She favors what she sees as beauty.
It is comparable to having a fat child and a thin child and favoring the thin child and telling the fat child to be more like her sister.
It is favoritism. It didn't sound like she had a history of racism or objecting to your union. Maybe there is more to the story.
I would try not to start a family feud, and keep it between you and her. Your parents are involved now and they are taking sides of course. It seems like what is best for the family is to not even repeat what was said. You don't want those words uttered ever again into another ear.
The kids love the family and they shouldn't be punished further, or be the topic of gossip. You don't have to forgive the aunt or interact with her but think about what is best for the kids and how to not allow negative attention to shine on them.
No, she has never had any history of outward racism. The more I think about it, the more I think colorism. And for me, that doesn't make it any less harmful to my children. Colorism is a huge problem for females not just in America but all over the world. It's capable of causing immense mental and emotional harm. And for them to be exposed to it in such a cruel fashion (and they are so young and innocent) breaks my heart. Even if we were to discard any racial or cultural connotations . . . her heartlessness is something I just can't get my mind around.
I come from a very large family. Large but closely-knit. Everyone turns up for birthdays, weddings, parties, etc. Cousins in our family aren't cousins - they are brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles are more like second parents. It's always been like that in our family and I feel very privileged to have grown up in such an environment. But right now things aren't good, and it all starts with what my aunt (mom's sister) said and did to my daughters.
My daughters (11 and 14) are biracial. I'm white and my husband is African-American. As I said, my family is closely-knit, so when I was growing up as a child, I considered my aunt to be something akin to a second mother. We were close, and until this incident, had been close. Sometimes my daughters would spend the weekend at my aunt's place.
Two weeks ago, I picked my daughters up after they spent the weekend at my aunt's place. My youngest started crying, and my eldest also started crying. I asked them what was wrong. My eldest told me that during the last few visits to her house, my aunt had been favoring her. With things like treats, compliments and just general friendliness. And that she hadn't been as receptive to my youngest daughter. The reason? Because my 14 yr old has lighter skin (it's more "white" than "black") and my 11 yr old has a darker complexion (think light caramel brown). She told my youngest, "if only you had your sister's skin tone, you'd be so much prettier. It's a shame."
Words cannot explain how angry and heartbroken I was (and still am) when I heard this. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
As I have said, my family is closely-knit, and this incident has caused a stir. My parents are just as furious as I am and are not speaking to my aunt. There are several people in my family (my siblings) who have taken the same lead. But then there is another side that is saying I'm overreacting and that I should forgive my aunt. That what she did and said isn't too big a deal. There are several big family events coming up and with the way things are right now, they are going to be a total disaster.
I just can't find it in me to forgive my aunt. If she had done something directly to ME (and isolated to myself) I could find it in me to forgive. But not what she did to my daughters. No way. First of all there is no way I could trust my aunt to be alone with my daughters ever again. Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
I read the bolded part and I physically cringed. What an awful and stupid thing to say to a little kid. Take the ugly racism part out and substitute is with any other mean spirited criticism over something you can't change is just as ugly.
Sorry your daughter had to hear that, and from someone that supposedly loves them. IDK. I'm not so sure I could get over it myself. I wished I had more to offer in way of advice. I'd probably kick her to the curb, but as you know it's going to have ripple effects within the family, just know that things most likely won't be the same if you chose to cut her out of your life, how do you handle future family gathers etc etc.
All that being said I'd most likely just remove myself and my kids out of that situation. The problem is is that's how the woman thinks, even if she apologizes it's still in her mindset and view of black people. You can apologize but whatever, it wasn't something that was said in heat of the moment, we've have all said mean things before but weren't necessialry true. That isn't the same as what she said to her.
I read the bolded part and I physically cringed. What an awful and stupid thing to say to a little kid. Take the ugly racism part out and substitute is with any other mean spirited criticism over something you can't change is just as ugly.
Sorry your daughter had to hear that, and from someone that supposedly loves them. IDK. I'm not so sure I could get over it myself. I wished I had more to offer in way of advice. I'd probably kick her to the curb, but as you know it's going to have ripple effects within the family, just know that things most likely won't be the same if you chose to cut her out of your life, how do you handle future family gathers etc etc.
All that being said I'd most likely just remove myself and my kids out of that situation. The problem is is that's how the woman thinks, even if she apologizes it's still in her mindset and view of black people. You can apologize but whatever, it wasn't something that was said in heat of the moment, we've have all said mean things before but weren't necessialry true. That isn't the same as what she said to her.
Exactly. And to make an excuse for her behavior by saying, "I grew up in different times..." I would have gone off! RRR
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