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You married an AA man and JUST NOW it occurred to you that these conversations would be coming up? Didn't occur to you you'd be talking about history, people, role models etc.
It's not like there's a SHORTAGE of dark skinned women in culture. Even the winner of RuPauls' Drag Race is a dark skinned queen.
Who carried the USA flag in the Olympic closing ceremony???
First of all, after 14 years your aunt suddenly realizes one daughter is darker skinned - blurts it out - and she starts "favoritism"?
Doesn't even make sense.
And NO, she wasn't "born in another time" LOL. She was born in your mother's time - the hippie generation. And let's be clear, the African American community is just as guilty of this crap as your aunt. Have you had the "good hair" discussion yet? It's even a THING that some people are attracted to dark or light skin people chemistry wise. I'm even surprised you say they never heard that before. It's even on shows like HOUSE HUNTERS LOL where a couple are buying a house and they talk about their dating history. "I wasn't her type she likes tall light skin men and I'm a short fat dark skinned guy but I hung in there."
I just saw that last WEEK on that show.
So the entire conversation you and your parents had with your aunt was THAT? Nobody told her they expected an apology?
She totally accepted your husband but not an 11 year old girl? LOL.
You're saying there's FAVORITISM not just a rude comment about skin color.
And BTW why are they spending so many weekends with a 60 year old woman that isn't even their grandmother?
I fully expect after seeing your 2 day posting history that somehow Donald Trump will enter this situation.
BTW I don't see where you tried to even EXPLAIN it to your daughters. The OBVIOUS thing would have been to say "See, in your aunt's time growing up people were mean to darker skinned people from the days of slavery - and it's not just white people in America but all races and cultures all over the world who used to have this bias. She wasn't thinking when she said that. And even now some people like darker skinned or lighter skinned in the dating world just like some people prefer blondes or redheads."
You keep saying colorism but don't know how to discuss that?
Now as far as your "favoritism" claim, sorry, not buying that.
And it's not RACISM.
Hell, the topic even has it's own Wiki entry.
The woman could have dementia or even a brain tumor. Tell the girls that. AND tell the aunt.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 08-23-2016 at 08:55 PM..
You married an AA man and JUST NOW it occurred to you that these conversations would be coming up? Didn't occur to you you'd be talking about history, people, role models etc.
It's not like there's a SHORTAGE of dark skinned women in culture. Even the winner of RuPauls' Drag Race is a dark skinned queen.
Who carried the USA flag in the Olympic closing ceremony???
First of all, after 14 years your aunt suddenly realizes one daughter is darker skinned - blurts it out - and she starts "favoritism"?
Doesn't even make sense.
And NO, she wasn't "born in another time" LOL. She was born in your mother's time - the hippie generation. And let's be clear, the African American community is just as guilty of this crap as your aunt. Have you had the "good hair" discussion yet? It's even a THING that some people are attracted to dark or light skin people chemistry wise. I'm even surprised you say they never heard that before. It's even on shows like HOUSE HUNTERS LOL where a couple are buying a house and they talk about their dating history. "I wasn't her type she likes tall light skin men and I'm a short fat dark skinned guy but I hung in there."
I just saw that last WEEK on that show.
So the entire conversation you and your parents had with your aunt was THAT? Nobody told her they expected an apology?
She totally accepted your husband but not an 11 year old girl? LOL.
You're saying there's FAVORITISM not just a rude comment about skin color.
And BTW why are they spending so many weekends with a 60 year old woman that isn't even their grandmother?
I fully expect after seeing your 2 day posting history that somehow Donald Trump will enter this situation.
BTW I don't see where you tried to even EXPLAIN it to your daughters. The OBVIOUS thing would have been to say "See, in your aunt's time growing up people were mean to darker skinned people from the days of slavery - and it's not just white people in America but all races and cultures all over the world who used to have this bias. She wasn't thinking when she said that. And even now some people like darker skinned or lighter skinned in the dating world just like some people prefer blondes or redheads."
You keep saying colorism but don't know how to discuss that?
Now as far as your "favoritism" claim, sorry, not buying that.
And it's not RACISM.
Hell, the topic even has it's own Wiki entry.
The woman could have dementia or even a brain tumor. Tell the girls that. AND tell the aunt.
LOL, this post here is something else. The way some people can misconstrue and stretch and read into things is fascinating on some level.
What a hurtful, thoughtless thing to say to a child - I'm so sorry your aunt behaved in such an unseemly fashion.
However - several pages back, a couple of posters asked if she might be dealing with dementia - you responded that this was something new and that she was in her late fifties.
There are some forms of dementia which can strike people in her age group, and which can lead to blurting out hurtful things far better left unsaid, while other behavior remains normal (that will change, too, given time). Check out Lewy Body dementia, and some forms of vascular dementia, previously termed "hardening of the arteries". Inability to control social behavior can be part of the typical behavior of people with these disorders (along with memory defects and loss and other issues).
I have a relative with one of these forms of dementia - before she was diagnosed, she was prone to writing extremely hurtful things to other relatives (self included), which she'd then email "by mistake", claiming someone else must have somehow used her computer. There were additional early signs, but she managed to care for herself adequately and showed little memory loss. That changed, too.
Not excusing what either your aunt or my relative said, but there may be a physical explanation. Until the cause of her behavior is known, do what you must to protect your children. If she has never been prone to blurting out obviously hurtful things previously, and has treated your children (and others) kindly and considerately in the past, this change might indicate dementia or other forms of brain disease.
I had to keep interactions with my relative minimal for quite a while - now, that has changed, as she has forgotten all about her bad behavior and is residing in a nursing home and is physically incapacitated. Looking back, the first signs of her illness were present when she was in her mid-fifties.
It's very, very sad...but it was also very, very hurtful in the earlier stages.
I see it as possibly less about race, and more about beauty. She favors what she sees as beauty.
It is comparable to having a fat child and a thin child and favoring the thin child and telling the fat child to be more like her sister.
It is favoritism. It didn't sound like she had a history of racism or objecting to your union. Maybe there is more to the story.
I would try not to start a family feud, and keep it between you and her. Your parents are involved now and they are taking sides of course. It seems like what is best for the family is to not even repeat what was said. You don't want those words uttered ever again into another ear.
The kids love the family and they shouldn't be punished further, or be the topic of gossip. You don't have to forgive the aunt or interact with her but think about what is best for the kids and how to not allow negative attention to shine on them.
This brings out a point. Suppose there was no racial issue involved and your aunt had simply said to one daughter, that it was too bad that she wasn't pretty like her sister (not to say that's even true). That would have been a stupid, ugly and hurtful thing to say, regardless of anything to do with color. I think that bad attitudes about the way some people relate to all others may be the basis for racism. They may have a poor regard for everyone in general and then find that racism provides a handy way to focus it. How many active racists are there, who are pleasant and likable people towards anyone? Have you taken a really close look at this aunt, in the way she relates to all others? In any case, she needs to be informed of how unacceptable her remarks were and how they can't be repeated if she wants to remain in your family circle.
My first thought was stay away from your Aunt. Then thinking if the girls had been visiting her on a regular basis she must care for them. Maybe a sit down heart to heart talk might be best for all.
What a hurtful, thoughtless thing to say to a child - I'm so sorry your aunt behaved in such an unseemly fashion.
However - several pages back, a couple of posters asked if she might be dealing with dementia - you responded that this was something new and that she was in her late fifties.
There are some forms of dementia which can strike people in her age group, and which can lead to blurting out hurtful things far better left unsaid, while other behavior remains normal (that will change, too, given time). Check out Lewy Body dementia, and some forms of vascular dementia, previously termed "hardening of the arteries". Inability to control social behavior can be part of the typical behavior of people with these disorders (along with memory defects and loss and other issues).
I have a relative with one of these forms of dementia - before she was diagnosed, she was prone to writing extremely hurtful things to other relatives (self included), which she'd then email "by mistake", claiming someone else must have somehow used her computer. There were additional early signs, but she managed to care for herself adequately and showed little memory loss. That changed, too.
Not excusing what either your aunt or my relative said, but there may be a physical explanation. Until the cause of her behavior is known, do what you must to protect your children. If she has never been prone to blurting out obviously hurtful things previously, and has treated your children (and others) kindly and considerately in the past, this change might indicate dementia or other forms of brain disease.
I had to keep interactions with my relative minimal for quite a while - now, that has changed, as she has forgotten all about her bad behavior and is residing in a nursing home and is physically incapacitated. Looking back, the first signs of her illness were present when she was in her mid-fifties.
It's very, very sad...but it was also very, very hurtful in the earlier stages.
Exactly.
Studies show that the brain starts 20 years before people notice symptoms.
And what Robin Williams had - not discovered until autopsy.
You married an AA man and JUST NOW it occurred to you that these conversations would be coming up? Didn't occur to you you'd be talking about history, people, role models etc.
It's not like there's a SHORTAGE of dark skinned women in culture. Even the winner of RuPauls' Drag Race is a dark skinned queen.
Who carried the USA flag in the Olympic closing ceremony???
First of all, after 14 years your aunt suddenly realizes one daughter is darker skinned - blurts it out - and she starts "favoritism"?
Doesn't even make sense.
And NO, she wasn't "born in another time" LOL. She was born in your mother's time - the hippie generation. And let's be clear, the African American community is just as guilty of this crap as your aunt. Have you had the "good hair" discussion yet? It's even a THING that some people are attracted to dark or light skin people chemistry wise. I'm even surprised you say they never heard that before. It's even on shows like HOUSE HUNTERS LOL where a couple are buying a house and they talk about their dating history. "I wasn't her type she likes tall light skin men and I'm a short fat dark skinned guy but I hung in there."
I just saw that last WEEK on that show.
So the entire conversation you and your parents had with your aunt was THAT? Nobody told her they expected an apology?
She totally accepted your husband but not an 11 year old girl? LOL.
You're saying there's FAVORITISM not just a rude comment about skin color.
And BTW why are they spending so many weekends with a 60 year old woman that isn't even their grandmother?
I fully expect after seeing your 2 day posting history that somehow Donald Trump will enter this situation.
BTW I don't see where you tried to even EXPLAIN it to your daughters. The OBVIOUS thing would have been to say "See, in your aunt's time growing up people were mean to darker skinned people from the days of slavery - and it's not just white people in America but all races and cultures all over the world who used to have this bias. She wasn't thinking when she said that. And even now some people like darker skinned or lighter skinned in the dating world just like some people prefer blondes or redheads."
You keep saying colorism but don't know how to discuss that?
Now as far as your "favoritism" claim, sorry, not buying that.
And it's not RACISM.
Hell, the topic even has it's own Wiki entry.
The woman could have dementia or even a brain tumor. Tell the girls that. AND tell the aunt.
Why are you attacking the OP? Your last sentence would have sufficed as advice.
You can't diagnose dementia on a message board.
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