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The aunt did not apologize. She has no remorse for what she's done. But carry on...
That's what I was going to tell him. He keeps babbling on with the hate the sin, not the sinner garbage. That's all fine and dandy in theory, but not when someone is picking on a little kid and then gets indignant when called out for it. It gets my blood boiling actually. I'm no hero but people that pick on children, I'd like to get a little quality alone time with them and a box of power tools.
. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
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I am re-quoting this for the 'first time it has come up' crowd.
I know someone who has experienced dementia, and in her case, she turned into a bigger b**ch than she previously was.
The aunt, if this was indeed strange behavior for her, should have done the decent thing and apologized - not made an excuse.
I come from a very large family. Large but closely-knit. Everyone turns up for birthdays, weddings, parties, etc. Cousins in our family aren't cousins - they are brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles are more like second parents. It's always been like that in our family and I feel very privileged to have grown up in such an environment. But right now things aren't good, and it all starts with what my aunt (mom's sister) said and did to my daughters.
My daughters (11 and 14) are biracial. I'm white and my husband is African-American. As I said, my family is closely-knit, so when I was growing up as a child, I considered my aunt to be something akin to a second mother. We were close, and until this incident, had been close. Sometimes my daughters would spend the weekend at my aunt's place.
Two weeks ago, I picked my daughters up after they spent the weekend at my aunt's place. My youngest started crying, and my eldest also started crying. I asked them what was wrong. My eldest told me that during the last few visits to her house, my aunt had been favoring her. With things like treats, compliments and just general friendliness. And that she hadn't been as receptive to my youngest daughter. The reason? Because my 14 yr old has lighter skin (it's more "white" than "black") and my 11 yr old has a darker complexion (think light caramel brown). She told my youngest, "if only you had your sister's skin tone, you'd be so much prettier. It's a shame."
Words cannot explain how angry and heartbroken I was (and still am) when I heard this. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
As I have said, my family is closely-knit, and this incident has caused a stir. My parents are just as furious as I am and are not speaking to my aunt. There are several people in my family (my siblings) who have taken the same lead. But then there is another side that is saying I'm overreacting and that I should forgive my aunt. That what she did and said isn't too big a deal. There are several big family events coming up and with the way things are right now, they are going to be a total disaster.
I just can't find it in me to forgive my aunt. If she had done something directly to ME (and isolated to myself) I could find it in me to forgive. But not what she did to my daughters. No way. First of all there is no way I could trust my aunt to be alone with my daughters ever again. Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
I would ask this question. Is your aunt otherwise a quality individual with a high moral backbone and someone who you would invite into your life, or, is she 'not that nice of a person' and this was just the straw that broke the camels back?
If there was someone in my family who did something that outraged me but they were otherwise a quality person and they begged for forgiveness and i really felt that they were truly sorry, i would consider forgiving them. Other than the quality person stuff and the truly heartfelt apology, i would probably never see them again, life's short, nonsense like that can't ever be tolerated, good for you for not tolerating it.
I am so sorry that happened to your girls, your aunt was totally out of line. I have been in those exact shoes with my biracial children. I was disowned by a huge majority of my racist , bigoted family, but the one that stuck it out with me for so long finally turned on my kids one afternoon when they went to her home for the week while I was in the hospital. She lives out of state. She called them the N word and locked them out of her home. She got angry because my youngest at the time was nine and she refused to share his candy with her other nephew. My friend that lived in the same city had to go get them and keep them with him for the week. My son's are fully grown now in there 20's and they have not forgotten what happened and it has affected them in a way that they don't trust the souther white folks in our circle. I have not spoken to her since then and never will. It broke my heart and there's and you just have to teach them that ignorance and hate is going to happen and that they need to as black woman get use to the racism, hate and disregard they will deal with as woman and especially black woman. My daughter has to fight hard her whole adult life to get the respect that the white woman in her career field have and it took her twice as long to get work, and get the things she worked hard for. Preparedness is the key. Give them the back bone to ignore the hate and rise above it. You can't hope they forget it, it will stick with them for life. It is a teaching moment and deserves to be understood.
Thank you for sharing your story. What your aunt did to your kids is absolutely horrible. Shocking. And to think the majority of your family disowned you . . . goodness me. And what's worse is the fact, as you have mentioned, such an experience has stuck to them, to the point of being unable to trust older white Southerners. Such a shame.
When she said 'different times" she may be referring to when a person could give their opinion and not be attacked for it.
I think the aunt was just being honest, very mean but honest. She finds lighter skinned more attractive just as many others do.
I used to work with a Black woman who wouldn't let her daughters date anyone darker than coco brown. I really don't know what that shade is but I heard her say it enough. I worked with a Black man who never drank coffee when he was young because his parents told him it would make him blacker.
It is terrible what happened to your daughter. I don't know how I would have handled it, probably not well. But as I said in another post this will happen again and again throughout her life.
Colorism is an ugly, disgusting thing. I have two multiracial daughters. One has a light olive complexion like her Mexican-American father and the other has a darker, tanned complexion like myself. One random day, my youngest (5) mentioned that she didn't feel pretty because she was dark-skinned. My initial reaction was astonishment. I didn't know why she would say that since neither my husband nor I subscribe to colorism. We definitely do not show preference. If anything, most people who encounter her make favorable comments about her, so I was at a loss for words. It made me sad that a girl so young felt the way that she did. A few people in the Parenting forum suggested that I not overreact, so I decided to follow their advice and I didn't. I made a conscious effort to buy dolls that resembled her. The topic of skin color was never brought up again and she isn't displaying any signs of diminished confidence, thankfully.
My Jamaican great grandmother was very much into skin color. I don't know the exact lineage of her mother, but her father was Scottish. She had very pale skin, straight hair, and generally Caucasian features. She made it abundantly clear that she disapproved of any prospective mates who were darker than a "paper bag". She didn't really approve of my mother marrying my mixed-race Brasilian father since he was darker (though lighter than a paper bag), had curly hair, and was "fresh off the boat" (Ironic given that she was an immigrant herself). When I was born, she wanted to make sure that my name wasn't too ethnic sounding. She was a good person by all other accounts, but I'll always remember her views because I am so against them. At the end of the day, her approval didn't mean anything. My mother's generation dated and married whomever they pleased, including darker skinned Black American men.
Errr.... yep, it's racism. Sorry to inform you, but it is. You consider features indigenous to another race inferior. And the OP is white - perhaps she does not KNOW how to discuss this with her daughters? Her husband, no offense to the OP, chose a white woman, so perhaps he isn't qualified to speak of it either. But that's my opinion.
I got past those feelings by having darker skinned female role models. I also realized that men (non-racist men) like attractive women, period. If someone rejects me due to the color of my skin - well, he never had a shot right?
Are your daughters exposed to black people? And I don't mean bi-racial - I mean black. Perhaps from your husband's side of the family?
I and my husband have spoken to our daughters on racial issues before. And we did again after the incident with our aunt (we especially pointed out that their skin color does not define them as people).
And I don't think my husband is less qualified on the subject because his wife is white. Just like I don't think I'm less qualified to talk about white issues simply because my husband is black.
Regarding whether my daughters being exposed to black people - yes, they are. My husband's parents passed away, but my kids are in contact with their black cousins and my husband's siblings. My eldest is also best friends with a black girl at school.
I and my husband have spoken to our daughters on racial issues before. And we did again after the incident with our aunt (we especially pointed out that their skin color does not define them as people).
And I don't think my husband is less qualified on the subject because his wife is white. Just like I don't think I'm less qualified to talk about white issues simply because my husband is black.
Regarding whether my daughters being exposed to black people - yes, they are. My husband's parents passed away, but my kids are in contact with their black cousins and my husband's siblings. My eldest is also best friends with a black girl at school.
It is hypocritical for a black man to tell a woman that skin color doesn't matter when he chose a white wife, IMO.
What is he going to say? "Black is beautiful - but I chose something else."
Colorism is an ugly, disgusting thing. I have two multiracial daughters. One has a light olive complexion like her Mexican-American father and the other has a darker, tanned complexion like myself. One random day, my youngest (5) mentioned that she didn't feel pretty because she was dark-skinned. My initial reaction was astonishment. I didn't know why she would say that since neither my husband nor I subscribe to colorism. We definitely do not show preference. If anything, most people who encounter her make favorable comments about her, so I was at a loss for words. It made me sad that a girl so young felt the way that she did. A few people in the Parenting forum suggested that I not overreact, so I decided to follow their advice and I didn't. I made a conscious effort to buy dolls that resembled her. The topic of skin color was never brought up again and she isn't displaying any signs of diminished confidence, thankfully.
My Jamaican great grandmother was very much into skin color. I don't know the exact lineage of her mother, but her father was Scottish. She had very pale skin, straight hair, and generally Caucasian features. She made it abundantly clear that she disapproved of any prospective mates who were darker than a "paper bag". She didn't really approve of my mother marrying my mixed-race Brasilian father since he was darker (though lighter than a paper bag), had curly hair, and was "fresh off the boat" (Ironic given that she was an immigrant herself). When I was born, she wanted to make sure that my name wasn't too ethnic sounding. She was a good person by all other accounts, but I'll always remember her views because I am so against them. At the end of the day, her approval didn't mean anything. My mother's generation dated and married whomever they pleased, including darker skinned Black American men.
It is sad that a girl as young as 5 would suddenly come out with something like that. But I'm glad it hasn't been brought up again With my youngest daughter, she had never expressed discontent with her skin tone or anything of the like. It was only two days after the incident with my aunt, she asked her father why she wasn't as light her sister.
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With my youngest daughter, she had never expressed discontent with her skin tone or anything of the like. It was only two days after the incident with my aunt, she asked her father why she wasn't as light her sister.
