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I am not excusing your aunt -- what she did was thoughtless and cruel. But the rest of the world is, unfortunately, also thoughtless and cruel. Things will be said to your daughters throughout their lives about their skin, their hair, their eyes, their feet, their choice of clothing, their height, their weight . . . regardless of whether they are bi-racial, white, black, hispanic, asian, etc., etc. People are not always going to be politically correct, considerate or even care how your daughters feel.
A conversation needs to be had with your daughters about how people will often say cruel and thoughtless things, and that just because people SAY things like that, it doesn't mean they are true. You have the opportunity to lay the groundwork for a lifetime of confidence-building and assertiveness, here. Please make sure that your daughters do not feel victimized by this incident, and that the blame for this incident goes back squarely where it belongs -- on your aunt. Kids can internalize things without being aware of it.
People we love are not perfect, and it often hurts when we realize this. You have loved this aunt your entire life. The woman did not suddenly change when you had children, but this incident has highlighted one of her flaws (and I'm sure, being human, it's not the only one.) You are flying to the defense of your children, like a good Mama Bear. You're angry that they are having to deal with this. I understand. But I think you might be losing sight of the fact that this may be a teachable moment for your aunt, too. Believe it or not, ANYONE can change -- otherwise, what's been the point of the entire Civil Rights movement? If it were me, I think I'd be taking on the aunt proactively, rather than shunning her. One can be led to the light, but not if they are locked away. It just makes them defensive, hurt and angry -- and there's enough of that going around, right now. You are railing away about how she SHOULD be thinking, instead of trying to help her think about things differently. I suspect that if you can successfully help your aunt to see how her words and actions have hurt you and your family, you will find that you gain a fierce advocate. But at this point, you've drawn a line in the sand for which there is apparently no redemption or forgiveness, and no way back. For a large, close-knit family, that borders on tragic.
This is no better than saying it's ok for a child to be around a child molester as long as everybody in the family makes nice about it.
Wrong. Making a racist or racially insensitive remark to a kid is low, but diddling a kid is much much lower. Let's try to keep things in perspective here.
It was mean regardless of what the critical comparison/putdown was. It was awful to compare sisters, that breeds resentment and guilt - you never do that with siblings. So even if you took the racial aspect out, this lady is just mean to kids. What is the girl supposed to do, change color? Accept that she is supposed to be less attractive because of one feature? What possible motive is there for the aunt to say what she did to the girl except to be mean.
I don't believe this woman was perfectly normal before hand, and probably family covers for her because of dysfunction and not making waves. There are always one or two in a family and they get away with stuff, things get covered up, etc.
I come from a very large family. Large but closely-knit. Everyone turns up for birthdays, weddings, parties, etc. Cousins in our family aren't cousins - they are brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles are more like second parents. It's always been like that in our family and I feel very privileged to have grown up in such an environment. But right now things aren't good, and it all starts with what my aunt (mom's sister) said and did to my daughters.
My daughters (11 and 14) are biracial. I'm white and my husband is African-American. As I said, my family is closely-knit, so when I was growing up as a child, I considered my aunt to be something akin to a second mother. We were close, and until this incident, had been close. Sometimes my daughters would spend the weekend at my aunt's place.
Two weeks ago, I picked my daughters up after they spent the weekend at my aunt's place. My youngest started crying, and my eldest also started crying. I asked them what was wrong. My eldest told me that during the last few visits to her house, my aunt had been favoring her. With things like treats, compliments and just general friendliness. And that she hadn't been as receptive to my youngest daughter. The reason? Because my 14 yr old has lighter skin (it's more "white" than "black") and my 11 yr old has a darker complexion (think light caramel brown). She told my youngest, "if only you had your sister's skin tone, you'd be so much prettier. It's a shame."
Words cannot explain how angry and heartbroken I was (and still am) when I heard this. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
As I have said, my family is closely-knit, and this incident has caused a stir. My parents are just as furious as I am and are not speaking to my aunt. There are several people in my family (my siblings) who have taken the same lead. But then there is another side that is saying I'm overreacting and that I should forgive my aunt. That what she did and said isn't too big a deal. There are several big family events coming up and with the way things are right now, they are going to be a total disaster.
I just can't find it in me to forgive my aunt. If she had done something directly to ME (and isolated to myself) I could find it in me to forgive. But not what she did to my daughters. No way. First of all there is no way I could trust my aunt to be alone with my daughters ever again. Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
I am so sorry that happened to your girls, your aunt was totally out of line. I have been in those exact shoes with my biracial children. I was disowned by a huge majority of my racist , bigoted family, but the one that stuck it out with me for so long finally turned on my kids one afternoon when they went to her home for the week while I was in the hospital. She lives out of state. She called them the N word and locked them out of her home. She got angry because my youngest at the time was nine and she refused to share his candy with her other nephew. My friend that lived in the same city had to go get them and keep them with him for the week. My son's are fully grown now in there 20's and they have not forgotten what happened and it has affected them in a way that they don't trust the souther white folks in our circle. I have not spoken to her since then and never will. It broke my heart and there's and you just have to teach them that ignorance and hate is going to happen and that they need to as black woman get use to the racism, hate and disregard they will deal with as woman and especially black woman. My daughter has to fight hard her whole adult life to get the respect that the white woman in her career field have and it took her twice as long to get work, and get the things she worked hard for. Preparedness is the key. Give them the back bone to ignore the hate and rise above it. You can't hope they forget it, it will stick with them for life. It is a teaching moment and deserves to be understood.
wow .. so people here cut people out of their lives if they say something wrong or make a mistake? No chance for forgiveness (NOTE: forgiveness in cases where people are sorry for what they have done .. not the new age "it's all good" garbage)?
Must be very lonely ... and the people around you must walk on eggshells hoping they never offend you. And I wonder how they hold up when that same standard applies to them.
There is being angry and wanting to be right at all costs ... and being FORGIVING when appropriate and beneficial. This is a tremendous life lesson. Most people who are happy understand the distinction. Most people who do NOT understand the distinction spend their time being angry and miserable, and making everyone around them choose sides, get dragged into the drama and all around exhausted for having to agree with everything the person says, because if you disagree, well, buh-bye. No more relationship.
I guess if the girls were fighting and yelling and insulting about skin color, well, she would disown one of them. You know, because the behavior is just 100% unacceptable and there is no room for discussion. Cut and dry. Pack your bags sweetie, you're moving out.
Last edited by newtovenice; 08-24-2016 at 10:58 AM..
Reason: clarification
Keep your lovely daughters away from that vile person. This is cold calculating behavior.
Protect your daughters regardless of the fallout from other family members. Who cares. Your daughters are more important than the entire lot. Make certain they know this.
There is no excuse for such despicable behavior.
And stop being absurd people, it is all about racism.
Yes and no about ractism, since the aunt wholeheartedly accepts the other biracial daughter, eh? This is "colorism," or "melanism" if they can be called words. Auntie is not alone in that preference. In Brazil, where a good percentage of the population is mixed, there is still partiality towards lighter skins. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_a...city_in_Brazil
Unfortunately, the discriminated-against daughter has a characteristic that is less favorable to the aunt, who is tactless, at best, and cruel, at worst. In another situation, if one child was fat/ugly/short/redheaded, and the other was not, this aunt could have just as easily treated the child with the unfavored trait in the same manner, e.g., ..." Too bad that you are not ......slender/pretty/tall/brunette." Treating this as just a racial incident is too simplistic. This tactless dweeb (Auntie "M" for "monster") should be ignored.
The aunt did not apologize. She has no remorse for what she's done. But carry on...
Exactly. The excusers will have to fall to ignorance or oh yes, dementia. How about she is a racist jerk. If she wants forgiveness then she should explain properly and apologize. Like a real explanation. If she is racist just admit it, if she openly favors one child for any reason she should not be around them alone, it damages both children.
Exactly. The excusers will have to fall to ignorance or oh yes, dementia. How about she is a racist jerk. If she wants forgiveness then she should explain properly and apologize. Like a real explanation. If she is racist just admit it, if she openly favors one child for any reason she should not be around them alone, it damages both children.
Why do you rule out dementia? I posted earlier I know of someone who at age 60 started saying odd things and acting strangely, it was the onset of Alzheimers.
It's not out of the realm of possibility that someone in their late 50s can be experiencing dementia.
Yes, the aunt could be a racist and a b**ch, it could also be something else.
Try doing a little critical thinking, this is the first time this ever came up. The children involved are what 14 and 11? All these years and it comes up now?
Don't say dementia is an excuse, clearly you haven't a clue or experienced this in your own family, or know anyone well who has.
It doesn't just happen to people over 70, try educating yourself a little.
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