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As a darker skinned black person, I had a complex about my complexion for years. It started with my light-skinned grandmother, who would say, 'That's why you are so black' every time I did something she did not like. My mother did nothing.
We don't know what the OP has said to her children (or did I miss it?). We know that she spoke with her parents and explained the situation.
I am baffled by your stance on this. The OP is doing nothing wrong and is not trolling for drama - she is protecting her children, and it is frankly refreshing to see.
It did happen. And my aunt acted indignantly.
I'm sorry you had to go through what you did as a child. With how you have described it, it seems as if you don't suffer from having a complex about your skin tone as a child. If you don't mind me asking - how were you able to get past those feelings?
What a hurtful, thoughtless thing to say to a child - I'm so sorry your aunt behaved in such an unseemly fashion.
However - several pages back, a couple of posters asked if she might be dealing with dementia - you responded that this was something new and that she was in her late fifties.
There are some forms of dementia which can strike people in her age group, and which can lead to blurting out hurtful things far better left unsaid, while other behavior remains normal (that will change, too, given time). Check out Lewy Body dementia, and some forms of vascular dementia, previously termed "hardening of the arteries". Inability to control social behavior can be part of the typical behavior of people with these disorders (along with memory defects and loss and other issues).
I have a relative with one of these forms of dementia - before she was diagnosed, she was prone to writing extremely hurtful things to other relatives (self included), which she'd then email "by mistake", claiming someone else must have somehow used her computer. There were additional early signs, but she managed to care for herself adequately and showed little memory loss. That changed, too.
Not excusing what either your aunt or my relative said, but there may be a physical explanation. Until the cause of her behavior is known, do what you must to protect your children. If she has never been prone to blurting out obviously hurtful things previously, and has treated your children (and others) kindly and considerately in the past, this change might indicate dementia or other forms of brain disease.
I had to keep interactions with my relative minimal for quite a while - now, that has changed, as she has forgotten all about her bad behavior and is residing in a nursing home and is physically incapacitated. Looking back, the first signs of her illness were present when she was in her mid-fifties.
It's very, very sad...but it was also very, very hurtful in the earlier stages.
Yes it's something I'm starting to consider because beyond what she said, when I talked to her immediately after listening to my kids, there wasn't any sign of overt remorse from her. It was more indignant defense. As if what she did and said was inconsequential. My priority is protecting my children but I am thinking of attempting to see whether there are any health problems that could've contributed.
Last edited by Portland222; 08-24-2016 at 06:12 AM..
I'm so sorry your Aunt hurt your daughters feelings & I hope she'll realize the offense & apologize. The truth of the matter is this will not be a isolated offense, it'll happen again & perhaps next time it might be from a Black person, White people aren't the only one's hung up on race mixing. You will have to prepare your daughters on how to respond so that they don't fall all to pieces like the youngest one did. They will have to grow some tough skin. Middle school age (pre-teens) children can be some of the cruelest people there is, they are notorious for mocking & ridiculing others. Your aunt who is not a teenager is another example of "all types of people" we have in this world & your girls need to learn how to "fire back" when people are disrespectful. Let them know that everyone has been made fun of, mocked, & criticized at some point in their lives & your daughter's will not be excluded. Your family learned a valuable lesson: what people project & how they really feel can be totally opposite. Good luck.
Although I and my husband have never had any racially-oriented comments towards our kids (until now) we have experienced people objecting to our union. Both black and white. When we were in our 20s, my husband completely cut off a close childhood friend. The man didn't seem to have a problem with us dating, but once my husband proposed he let his real feelings come out. Haven't had contact with him ever since.
You married an AA man and JUST NOW it occurred to you that these conversations would be coming up? Didn't occur to you you'd be talking about history, people, role models etc.
It's not like there's a SHORTAGE of dark skinned women in culture. Even the winner of RuPauls' Drag Race is a dark skinned queen.
Who carried the USA flag in the Olympic closing ceremony???
First of all, after 14 years your aunt suddenly realizes one daughter is darker skinned - blurts it out - and she starts "favoritism"?
Doesn't even make sense.
And NO, she wasn't "born in another time" LOL. She was born in your mother's time - the hippie generation. And let's be clear, the African American community is just as guilty of this crap as your aunt. Have you had the "good hair" discussion yet? It's even a THING that some people are attracted to dark or light skin people chemistry wise. I'm even surprised you say they never heard that before. It's even on shows like HOUSE HUNTERS LOL where a couple are buying a house and they talk about their dating history. "I wasn't her type she likes tall light skin men and I'm a short fat dark skinned guy but I hung in there."
I just saw that last WEEK on that show.
So the entire conversation you and your parents had with your aunt was THAT? Nobody told her they expected an apology?
She totally accepted your husband but not an 11 year old girl? LOL.
You're saying there's FAVORITISM not just a rude comment about skin color.
And BTW why are they spending so many weekends with a 60 year old woman that isn't even their grandmother?
I fully expect after seeing your 2 day posting history that somehow Donald Trump will enter this situation.
BTW I don't see where you tried to even EXPLAIN it to your daughters. The OBVIOUS thing would have been to say "See, in your aunt's time growing up people were mean to darker skinned people from the days of slavery - and it's not just white people in America but all races and cultures all over the world who used to have this bias. She wasn't thinking when she said that. And even now some people like darker skinned or lighter skinned in the dating world just like some people prefer blondes or redheads."
You keep saying colorism but don't know how to discuss that?
Now as far as your "favoritism" claim, sorry, not buying that.
And it's not RACISM.
Hell, the topic even has it's own Wiki entry.
The woman could have dementia or even a brain tumor. Tell the girls that. AND tell the aunt.
Beyond the incoherence and non-relevance of this post, I really don't know how you made this into a "white versus black" situation. Where in my previous posts did I claim any notions of colorism were simply a white phenomenon and that they didn't occur in black communities?
Of course you are right to be upset. If my aunt made my daughters cry, she'd be on my **** list, big time.
I think you said that you have spoken to your aunt about what she did, so now it is up to her to mend her ways. As your husband said, participate, as always, with your family but keep that aunt at arms length until she makes amends.
Of course you are right to be upset. If my aunt made my daughters cry, she'd be on my **** list, big time.
I think you said that you have spoken to your aunt about what she did, so now it is up to her to mend her ways. As your husband said, participate, as always, with your family but keep that aunt at arms length until she makes amends.
Yes, I spoke with her immediately after being informed of what happened. There wasn't much remorse on her part.
I was often told that I would be much better looking if I was tall like my sister. And, it was too bad I had my father's nose, because it looks much better on a man than on a little (now big) girl. 'Pretty' was never a word anyone ever said to me or about me. And yes, my sister was pretty - I knew that - and she was given things like pretty hair ribbons that no one ever gave me and even my mother told me one time that she wished I had thick beautiful hair like my sister. She cut my hair with a bowl .. she took my sister to the beauty parlor for a real hair cut. My sister got prettier dresses too - and was coo'd over a lot while I was not.
Now I see how wrong I was to just go on about my life and be who I was, warts and all. I probably learned to value my intelligence because looks were never going to get me anywhere - is perhaps what I must have gotten from all that. But, it seems I was not so smart after all. Now I see that I should have been more indignant when people blurted out things like that to me. Wish I had realized it back then so I could have spent my life being upset that anyone would ever even view me as not 'pretty ... because of x, y or z'. And my poor parents ... had they realized how this would devastate me, they should have ostracized all their best friends and our relatives for scarring me so. And I should have hated my mother because I am sure there were times when I think back about it now that she favoured my sister. I wish they were still around so I could tell them how these people they thought were good people were hurting all of us so badly. I really don't know how we could all have been so blind, so ignorant.
However, perhaps because that was the way it was I grew up just being a strong person because I knew exactly who and what I was. Perhaps because of what happened I grew up not judging others by arbitrary societal standards like 'beauty' or colour or height or hair texture.
I am truly sorry all this has happened to you and your daughters. I hope though that it doesn't make them value themselves any less and that they too will grow up strong. I hope they learn from this that it is not a good thing when we judge others by such superficial things. But, in order for them to do that, your reaction will play a very large role - if you overreact, how will that influence how they think about people from this time forward?
Did you speak with auntie calmly, ask her what happened, and ALLOW her to respond? (It is possible to be angry and calm at the same time)
Or did you scream, threaten and throw things, and then stomp off, slamming doors and tires screeching as you peeled away from her house?
In other words, were you trying to solve the problem or make it worse?
I won't deny I was angry. But there was no screaming, threatening or the other things you mention. I told her what my kids told me and asked her about it. She didn't deny it. And when I asked her why she would do such a thing, that's when she came up with the "different times" retort.
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