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I am a solitary creature by nature. Being an only child with parents who died in my early 20's, I know how to keep myself entertained and can make do by myself.
I've been seeing a guy for two years. He is from an very large family, but when we met, he lived here by himself. We both had jobs, and maybe got together 2 or 3 times a week for dinner or what have you.
Well, he's pretty much told his family how wonderful everything is. Both of his parents have now moved here, as have several sisters and brothers, nieces, nephews, and probably an uncle or two. Now, the whole family is here and there is something going on every weekend and many times during the week. I'm now officially on the "babysitting/company" list - watching little ones or showing those new in the area around town.
It's too much for me. I like these people...I really do. But I miss the time I had by myself and/or alone with my BF. I've told him about this, but he feels this is his family. He's stuck and if he goes w/o me everyone is asking after me. I feel like I don't want to take him away from his family but I also don't want to be with them every waking moment.
My job is becoming my escape. It's in a nearby town and I find myself volunteering to work overtime and other shifts just to get out of all of these get togethers.
What do I do? I love him but I just feel overwhelmed.
I can totally relate - I mean totally.
Like you, Im an only child, lost both parents before I was an adult and am quite used to my solitary times and privacy and just creating my own path and not thinking about anyone else joining me.
In past relationships where there have been big families, you are so right it's hard to not be sucked in and then when it happens you feel overwhelmed. You can explain to your boyfriend until you are blue in the face but someone who hasn't been through what we have been through isn't ever going to understand.
Really the best thing you can do is to talk to your man and tell him how unconfortable all of this is making you and go from there but remember, if you decide to stay and join in, you are then locked in and it's going to be harder to get out of.
^^^^YUP! Especially since you aren't even married to this guy. It's waaay presumptuous to expect you to babysit and be around them all the time. Stop being a workaholic and tell your guy you want to be alone with him. Enjoy your man!
My last marriage ended because of this. My ex-husband had six brothers and nine nieces and nephews and a doting mother who wanted to see everyone every month. We also lived in close proximity to a brother-in-law who would pound on our door at 7:30 in the morning on Saturdays (because his kids "woke him up.") This was after a 500 mile commute every week. My ex-husband didn't have the cajones to tell him he didn't have the right to do that (we paid the mortgage and utility bills, not him or anyone else in the family). I came from a family of three kids and two parents who met just for the holidays and birthdays. We pretty much drove many miles and met up with his family and sat in someone's living room and celebrated birthdays of people we didn't associate with on a daily basis or live nearby to. We had nothing in common with them, different religions, and different hobbies and political ideas. My husband basically could not say no to any of them. Even when we began dating his mother wanted to see me on the first closest holiday, Easter. Never again. They did get top billing in my divorce papers - my attorney wrote in there for me that they were one of the main causes of the divorce.
Today I have a boyfriend who has a brother, mother and father in Kansas and a sister in an adjoining town near to us who pretty much lives her own life with her husband. No monthly get-togethers! I see my parents on birthdays and holidays. I am pretty happy with things nowadays.
But I know the thing about too much family. Been there, done it, got the tee shirt. Blech.
I come from a relatively good-sized family. But my wife comes from a HUGE family, a midwestern Catholic family. They don't think twice about jamming 28-30 people into a house for four days at Thanksgiving. It's finally occurred to my wife that I need down time, whether in a little field trip to a museum or shopping or something. Mind you, I don't have to be away for long stretches at a time. Just a three-hour outing does the trick.
That being said, if you marry the person, you marry the family, whether you like it or not.
This is something that I have a hard time dealing with too. Dating a guy who has extended family all over the city and huge family gatherings every week or more often. Thus far I have opted out of the large gatherings because I feel like such an outsider - the whole family speaks Spanish and I sit there with a bewildered look on my face when I spend time with some of them. I know they probably think I'm a snot or something, but I just can't deal with it. I am dating him, not his family.
This is something that I have a hard time dealing with too. Dating a guy who has extended family all over the city and huge family gatherings every week or more often. Thus far I have opted out of the large gatherings because I feel like such an outsider - the whole family speaks Spanish and I sit there with a bewildered look on my face when I spend time with some of them. I know they probably think I'm a snot or something, but I just can't deal with it. I am dating him, not his family.
Oh my! That sounds HORRIBLE! Do they not speak any English or are they snubbing you?!
I know you said that you've already talked to him about this, but I'm going to tell you to do that again anyway.
Sit down with him and really have a heart-to-heart about things. Tell him exactly how you feel, and explain how much distress this is causing you. Be understanding though, it is his family you're talking about. He'll try to defend them, as you said he did, but you have to talk to him in a way that makes it plain that it's about your relationship and not about his family. Don't stop talking until you reach a compromise.
Once you've reached that compromise, then stick with it. It's perfectly fine to tell people no. It's good to spend time alone with just you and him, and it's even good just to spend time by yourself. Don't ever let anyone get in between you and him. You may even have to explain things to certain members of his family - I've found that they usually understand, most of the time anyway.
It's tough, because an incompatibility in this arena really can be a make-or-break thing. As mentioned further upthread, it's best to try to reach a compromise, versus issuing any types of ultimatums.
I come from a very close-knit family that would definitely be overwhelming to anybody who doesn't share that same type of background (fortunately for me, my SO of three years' background is quite similar, so the in-your-face family was something neither of us had to adjust to). But if an SO told me that I needed to make a choice, I know what I'd choose, and it would hands down be family. SOs come and go, family is forever, to me.
You just have to extricate yourself from the family. Theres no real reason to continue going to these family reunions if you are not family. You don't need to give any explanations. I'm sure other people in his family stay at home or do other things and attend a few of the gatherings here and there, not all the time. If the family asks about you, then he simply answers that you have friends too and a life and have other things planned. Don't let them put you on the babysitting list, always say no. These people are taking advantage of you and are deperately looking for someone to take care of their kids. Of course they love you and ask about you.You take their kids off their hands, probably for free. Take that away, and see how much they adore you.
Anyway. Its your life. You do as you please, not as they demand.
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