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Old 01-28-2011, 09:00 AM
 
1,135 posts, read 1,985,637 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
do most 11 year old girls at her school wear makeup? Or is this for the dance? I almost choked when I read that.
It's for the dance. I let her wear lipstick and mascara. Since she doesn't normally wear makeup she needs help applying it.

We live in an outdoorsy area where the "natural look" is popular and most people, even adult women, don't wear makeup except for special occasions. So, it's a big deal when girls wear it.

Conversely, I grew up just outside of NYC where kids became interested in hair, makeup and fashion very early. We wore makeup (hideous 80s makeup like purple eyeshadow, black eye liner and bright lip gloss) starting in middle school.
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Old 01-28-2011, 09:09 AM
 
11,615 posts, read 19,738,691 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaMc46 View Post
Conversely, I grew up just outside of NYC where kids became interested in hair, makeup and fashion very early. We wore makeup (hideous 80s makeup like purple eyeshadow, black eye liner and bright lip gloss) starting in middle school.
We were pretty hideous weren't we? I also grew up in the NY area (Long Island).
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Old 01-28-2011, 09:23 AM
 
15,204 posts, read 16,070,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drover View Post
Do you really want to put your tween on notice that they have this much power over your emotional state? I sure as hell wouldn't. A big chunk of your credibility as an authority figure flies right out the window.
I gotta admit that I find this to be an odd question and comment.

I believe that as parents, our biggest influence on our kids is as role models. From what I've seen, most children turn out to be like their parents. Although there are clearly exceptions to every rule, most thoughtful, hardworking, law-abiding parents produce thoughtful, hardworking, law-abiding children. Your experience may differ, but that has been my observation over the years. Therefore, I do my best to model the behavior I want to see in my daughter. So far, it seems to be working.

I'm not as concerned about my credibility as an authority figure as I am about teaching my daughter that her words and actions have an effect on people. The easiest, and most logical way to do that, is to tell her. I don't see how you could harangue, or punish a child into being respectful to you. They might be quiet when they're around you, but I want more than that. I want my daughter to think about how her words and actions affect the people around her.

I do sometimes punish my daughter by taking away privileges such as her phone when she has repeatedly done, or not done something I've asked her to do. But as far as the OP's question about having a tween be embarrased by a parent, I have been able to handle that situation pretty effectively so far by telling her that it's hurtful. She's a sweet girl and she doesn't want to hurt me. So it works.

So, to answer your question, no, I'm not afraid to put her on notice that she can effect my emotional state. It's true--she can--and I want her to know that. I don't fear that she'll use it against me in any way.
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Old 01-28-2011, 10:02 AM
 
Location: S. Florida
1,100 posts, read 2,588,368 times
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My 12 year old son tells me I am embarrassing at times. It's perfectly normal. Although I would smack him if he ever walked past me and told me he didn't know me.....
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Old 01-28-2011, 10:25 AM
 
1,420 posts, read 4,454,999 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drover View Post
Do you really want to put your tween on notice that they have this much power over your emotional state? I sure as hell wouldn't. A big chunk of your credibility as an authority figure flies right out the window.
I totally agree with this. And you need to begin to wean yourself from the need for her approval and constant affection. You're the mom, not a pal. Get your thick skin on and hang in there.

ETA: The above sounds harsh and that wasn't my intent. I agree with others that the disrespect should be addressed and is not acceptable. But my point was more that the OP should prepare to be evicted from the inner circle for awhile as her daughter goes through this period. It's not about how the OP looks or acts; it's just about the daughter's "phase."

Last edited by didee; 01-28-2011 at 11:36 AM..
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Old 01-28-2011, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,148 posts, read 22,139,461 times
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I find this focus on punishment interesting. While I do certainly believe there are appropriate reasons to punish a child/teen, I don't see why the first step shouldn't be discussing it. Your job as a parent (IMO) is to teach them appropriate behavior - obviously, the OP's daughter's behavior was inappropriate but it sounded like it wasn't typical behavior for her. I think sitting her down and explaining that while she might certainly be embarrassed by her parents, and that is a normal feeling for someone her age, her handling of the situation was unacceptable and that part of growing up is learning how to differentiate feelings and behaviors. Most kids will respond to that. Now, if it continues to be a problem then I can see where punishment fits the bill. I guess it all depends on what your parenting goal is.
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Old 01-28-2011, 11:11 AM
 
Location: San Diego, CA
425 posts, read 650,340 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Skeffington View Post
Agree with sue. Public (or otherwise) disrespect is uncalled for, but the attitude at this particular age is the norm.

At sleepovers, I'd promise my daughter I'd stay "invisible", but her friends would seek me out to give them "makeovers". The teeny bopper makeovers got to be a big thing at all the sleepovers at my house. I'd ask the ladies, "How old do you want to look, 16, 18, or 21?" I'd get out the mousse, hairspray, electric rollers, curling iron, etc., and the AZIZA duo crayons (remember those)? You used to be able to get them for $1.00. They were two colors in one crayon, eyes on one end and cheeks/lips on the other. I had dozens of those things, in all colors, and the girls loved them. The rule was - they could not leave the house looking like that (I think they would have liked to walk downtown and cruise Main Street). You have to remember, this was LONG BEFORE picture phones, You Tube, posting on Face Book, etc. It was harmless fun, like playing dress up. The fact that they liked me so much made my daughter start (grudgingly) to admit I wasn't such an embarrassment.

Anyway, they outgrow it. You'll have your best bud back before you know it. My above mentioned daughter (who is now 25) recently wanted to "change her look" and asked me to go with her to the hairdresser to help her choose a color and cut. I even talked her into getting her eyebrows waxed. We had a great time.
This was my mom...the one all my friends loved! I was embarassed by it, but I would also see her as being awesome! I am 32 now and I still am embarassed by her sometimes, but love her so much. One day I hope can be as nearly awesome to my (future) kids as my mom has been for me and my friends. I confide in her in so many ways.
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Old 01-28-2011, 11:16 AM
 
15,204 posts, read 16,070,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by didee View Post
I totally agree with this. And you need to begin to wean yourself from the need for her approval and constant affection. You're the mom, not a pal. Get your thick skin on and hang in there.
I certainly don't need her approval or constant affection. She's 12 and I hardly expect that. What I do need is for her to respect my feelings and to be kind. Not just to me, but to everyone. The best way for me to do this is to explain the behavior I expect, and why. She also needs to understand that one of the consequences of treating someone you love in a crappy fashion is that it hurts that person's feelings.

While I'm not the OP here, my daughter and I have been in the same situation. We had this discussion and she has apologized and made an effort to be more respectful. So I consider my response to have been effective.
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Old 01-28-2011, 11:29 AM
 
852 posts, read 1,136,977 times
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I agree with much of the advice here, but I think that the real problem is the daughter was both hurtful and disrespectful to her mother, so both the hurt and the disrespect need to be addressed. Explain that speaking in a way that is deliberately hurtful to anyone is just not how civilized, decent people behave. Period. And then, make it clear that disrespecting a parent or authority figure is going to bring with it some harsh consequences. And then, give the consequences. In this case, and I know it sounds harsh, but she would lose social privileges for the weekend: no phone, no internet, no dance.
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Old 01-28-2011, 04:05 PM
 
11,615 posts, read 19,738,691 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I certainly don't need her approval or constant affection. She's 12 and I hardly expect that. What I do need is for her to respect my feelings and to be kind. Not just to me, but to everyone. The best way for me to do this is to explain the behavior I expect, and why. She also needs to understand that one of the consequences of treating someone you love in a crappy fashion is that it hurts that person's feelings.

While I'm not the OP here, my daughter and I have been in the same situation. We had this discussion and she has apologized and made an effort to be more respectful. So I consider my response to have been effective.
I agree with you and with maciesmom.

I have not found the punish punish punish school to be the most effective way to change a child's behavior and of course that is the ultimate goal. Sometimes if a child knows what the punishment will be they just decide it's "worth it" to misbehave.
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