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I'm 26 and I've noticed over the last couple of years (esp. recently) all of my friends seem to be getting married and girls my age are now on their 2nd and 3rd kids. I came from an upper middle class neighborhood and I feel like I'm one of the last one of my peers who isn't married or knocked up...or on my 2nd or 3rd baby.
Is this normal? I sometimes almost feel sad for girls my age. I look at their FB and in their employer section I swear it feels like all of them have "Stay at home mommy" and a picture of a new sonogram with their umpteenth baby on the way. Considering that the majority of their husbands don't even have a college degree (and neither do they) I wonder how they do it. I feel like the odd ball out and wonder if I'm going to regret waiting so long to have kids.
I'm with a wonderful guy, but we're finishing college and I told him even though I would love a baby, I'm trying to think logically and at least get our degrees and loans out of the way. My peers seem SO relaxed and not worried at all, which makes me feel like I worry about finances too much, but I just felt like I was being responsible.
Most of them work at Rite-Aid or are married to husbands that work as supervisors at a pizza restaurant or are in the military. I guess I can't wrap my head around it. I have this weird feeling that once girls hit the age of 21 their minds go into baby-mode. I remember working at a sales job at Bloomingdales in the mall and I worked in the baby area (partly). The girls I worked with would sigh and say stuff like "I can't wait until I don't work and can be a stay at home mommy"....and others would see other women shopping with their babies during the day and say "I wish I was a housewife and had a baby already".
I really don't envy women who are stay at home moms, because I like to make money and the vast majority of them don't seem to have husbands who are engineers, doctors, lawyers, etc. so I honestly don't know how they have a savings account or more than enough money to really feel content. Am I going through a crisis? Is it just normal for girls my age to be going nuts and popping out babies like crazy? Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to get married and have babies. Because my guy and I want to go to graduate school it probably won't be until 30, but then I wonder if I'll feel like I have less energy in my 30s to raise kids and look back and say "Wow, I wish I would have just toughed it out and had kids young".
I'm actually pretty surprised that this is the norm in your area, given that you live in an upper middle class area (am guessing that while you may live in an upper-middle class area, you grew up or have a peer circle that's from a different demographic set?). I thought the norm for upper middle class families tends to be kids go to college at age 18, graduate at 21 or 22, perhaps head to graduate or professional school, start and establish career, then get married, then have kids. The norm in my circle has been have kids after 30, although I do know some people who had them in their 20s (I had my son in my late 20s, which I thought was on the "younger" side!). I don't think there's anything wrong with women who do choose to have their children younger -- and there are a lot of benefits to doing it that way, if that's what works for them -- but it's also completely normal to have no interest in having kids at age 26. If you're feeling alone and weird, consider expanding your social circle. Unless you live somewhere very small, there will almost certainly be plenty of other people your age out there who don't have kids and aren't planning on having them any time soon. On the other hand, keep an open mind; you may decide that you do want a child sooner rather than later (assuming you do want one, which sounds like the case); you could decide that having a baby after graduating and either during or before grad school also makes sense.
Also, I don't think there's anything "nuts" about women in their mid-20s who DO decide to have children or to stay home. There's absolutely nothing wrong with NOT doing that (and again, most of my friends did wait until later), but there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to have children in your 20s, too. For example, by the time you're all in your 30s their kids will be in school all day (and therefore they'll have an easier time dealing with the pressures of work; just because they're at home with kids now doesn't mean that they always will be), while you'll be (possibly) trying to balance the demands of a career with a newborn or young child.
I do think it comes off as condescending to feel "sorry" for friends -- adult men and women, making adult decisions -- who are happy with their children and their lives. They're grown ups, and presumably are making decisions based on what works for their own families. If they want to have kids and be at-home mothers and can make it work, more power to them. There's nothing wrong with that, just as there's nothing wrong with you for not choosing that route. It doesn't mean that they're only mothers, or that's the only defining part of their lives. Also keep in mind that one of these days or years it could be you who is posting all the Facebook messages and baby details. My friends all do it, too (both men and women, most in their 30s and 40s), especially the new parents. Never say never.
In any case, I wouldn't worry so much about what other people are doing, and just worry about what works for you and your partner. There is no one perfect age to have a child, and there is no one right answer. Just because your friends happen to all be having kids in their 20s, though, doesn't mean that you're unusual or odd for choosing not to do so. And it also sounds that you're in a different situation than your friends with the kids; you're unmarried and still in school, while they're married with one partner with a steady job. If your positions were reversed perhaps you'd feel more ready to have a child yourself. You may not approve of their career or life priority choices, but it sounds like it's working for them.
Just read the whole thread -- it sounds like there's some confusion (or maybe it's just my confusion) about what people are talking about when they're referring to "young" parents. Isn't the OP talking about women who are in their 20s? We're not talking 16 year old mothers without high school degrees here, but rather grown women living adult lives who have made the decision to have children in their early to mid-20s, rather than do as the OP prefers, and wait until their 30s. I'm not sure what the problem is, other than the OP doesn't approve that they have decided not to get college degrees, and seems to think that only the wealthy should have children. Supervisors at pizza restaurants and those in the military (and not just the officers) should be able to have kids, too, with their family and friends sneering at their decisions. Children should not be the exclusive privilege of the doctors and lawyers of the world. And, for that matter, one does not have to make a huge salary to be a good parent or to provide for the needs of their family. If the OP just wants to know if she's normal, yes, she is. Many women don't have children by age 26. Many women aren't married by 26. Some are, and that's normal, too. We don't all need to follow the same path to be happy and successful in life.
I married as a twenty-one-year-old college student, and I spent the remainder of my twenties focused on my education and developing career. At thirty-one, my spouse and I had our first of two children, and I became an at-home parent. There are lots of ways to do life, and there's no reason to denigrate those whose path differs from your own.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 07-03-2011 at 11:11 PM..
I've known people who had kids early, before it was "ideal" and they were struggling but the kids grew up and some of the men had careers that took off and some of the women jumped back into school or work too. There is no right way, only whats right for you. I married fairly young (23) and had my first child at 28 and I was very worried about money as well. I insisted on a house before having kids, and one we could afford on one paycheck because I knew I wanted to stay home. My path was clear and defined. Things are different today and I don't know what I'd do.
I had my son at 24. He was a surprise really since hubby and I were told we could not have kids. I grew up blue collar and college was not reenforced. Nothing against my upbringing but I wanted an education (which I had to pay for). I was in the mist of getting my degree when I found out I was pregnant. I had the same thinking you do right now. I wanted to get set up financially if I were to ever have a child. I watched my parents struggle and I did not want to go that route. I was never the baby crazy type either. Sorry but those women annoy the hell out of me. lol. I was a little upset at first upon the news I was pregnant because I knew everything would be put on hold and it was. It took me a lot longer to get my degree than I had thought. I am now working on my bachelors.
I am now in my late 30's and some of my friends are now just starting their families. I have a friend that just had her second baby, back to back. Time was running out. She is exhausted. I told her I was a bit envious as she completed her degree, established a career and would not face the financial struggles I did while raising my son (he is now a teen). She laughed at me and told me that she envied me! She told me she had to go through a series of fertility treatments to even get pregnant. She just lost her job of 15 yrs due to cut backs and now has a toddler and a baby to support. I pointed out her house was paid for. She said that was true but the neighborhood was going to sheet and now she has to think about moving to a better school district and wonders how that will happen with no job. She told me I was lucky as I only have 4 or 5 more years before my son strikes out on his own. With the issues my husband and I had fertility wise I think if I would have waited we probably wouldn't have had a child. I am grateful it turned out the way it did, even if it wasn't "ideal". My mom works for a high risk OB doc. She said majority of her patients are 40 yr old women wanting to start families. They are so desperate they go through painful procedures and heartache just trying to have a baby. Nature is cruel really. I know it took me all of my 20's to figure out who I was. I think by the time a woman turns 40 she has a better understanding of herself and life goals, sadly nature doesn't cooperate that way.
My point is that there are no guarantees in life. Sometimes the most well laid out plans dont work out. You can do your best to plan but life gets in the way at times. I agree whole heartedly with your idea about things but make sure you don't push things too far into the future that you limit yourself over an ideal way of doing things. Life is messy.
Don't judge others, they have different values than you do. They value children and family. They don't see material possessions and financial gain as their value. Nothing wrong with that.
I have women friends who are well educated, very smart, sho choose to be SAHM, they live on one income, and are very happy. These are women who could easily be earning high five figure incomes. They think being a stay at home Mom is more important than having a fancy house, and two SUV's. Their kids don't have cell phones! They don't need them, and their oldest does have one, that he pays for, gasp, himself with his job.
Don't think you are better or superior to those other women. They are happy. My question is...are you happy? You sound rather bitter about the happiness of others...just sayin'
I had my kids at 21,23 and 25. I did struggle a it with money when they were younger.
I'm 41 now. My kids are 19,18 and 16. I'm pretty happy. I am still pretty young. I'm able to go off and travel and do lots of fun things while many of my friends have much younger kids. I get to look at them and feel relief that my days of dealing with small children are done. I was able to chase after the kids when I was young and it didn't tire me out.
If you have kids young, you may have to watch your friends out having a good time or establishing careers while you are at home taking care of kids . The benefits are that while you are young and it may be a it easier to chase kids around. It also means that when you are in your 40's you are done with raising kids. You have time for yourself while many of your friends are dealing with kids
When you have kids older your energy might be lower. IT may be harder to deal with having babies and small children when you are in the middle of an established career . The worst part is that you may be in menopause when your teens are in puberty. Think of all of those hormones.
Some benefits are, financial stability and perhaps more maturity that enables you to make better choices as a parent.
Again, I don't think there is a *right* time to have kids
We had our first at 23...then 25...then 2 more.There's not set time to have children......the worst thing I hear is when people say "we can't afford to have children at this time"...really....children don't have to cost money.
We had our first at 23...then 25...then 2 more.There's not set time to have children......the worst thing I hear is when people say "we can't afford to have children at this time"...really....children don't have to cost money.
Actually they do cost a lot. And this is just for the essentials (food, clothing, education, etc.).
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She told me she had to go through a series of fertility treatments to even get pregnant. She just lost her job of 15 yrs due to cut backs and now has a toddler and a baby to support. I pointed out her house was paid for. She said that was true but the neighborhood was going to sheet and now she has to think about moving to a better school district and wonders how that will happen with no job. She told me I was lucky as I only have 4 or 5 more years before my son strikes out on his own. With the issues my husband and I had fertility wise I think if I would have waited we probably wouldn't have had a child. I am grateful it turned out the way it did, even if it wasn't "ideal". My mom works for a high risk OB doc. She said majority of her patients are 40 yr old women wanting to start families. They are so desperate they go through painful procedures and heartache just trying to have a baby. Nature is cruel really. I know it took me all of my 20's to figure out who I was. I think by the time a woman turns 40 she has a better understanding of herself and life goals, sadly nature doesn't cooperate that way. 
