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Not the OP but I think your'e off base. He's content with the four children he has. It's not an issue of not being able to love a 5th child. It's an issue of simply not wanting a 5th child. Why does having some of someting mean you should have more? If I have 2 cats, should I get 3 because I like 2? That makes no sense. I have the number of kids (and cats) that I can take care of well. The op doesn't want another child. They talked about aborting the one his wife just lost. Why in the world would you suggest there's something wrong with him for not wanting another one. I'm scratching my head at a woman who didn't want #5 so badly she considered aborting, suddenly, being willing to throw everything away if she doesn't get #5. I think she's off her rocker and in need of professional help. For crying out loud, she considered abortion.
Why in the world would you consider telling a couple who considered aboriting baby #5 they should have baby#5 now thet the good Lord has seen to fixing their situation for them?
First, if you have 2 cats and really want a 3rd, I wouldn't see why you shouldn't have 3 cats. So yes it makes sense to me to want one more than you already have, I think that's perfectly normal.
Read the OP, he didn't really want the first child, didn't think they had the money but the wife obviously wanted a child so badly she resorted to taking meds
By the time the second baby came along, he says they were not in a good place in the marriage, that he felt it should be over. They weren't close. The wife was even afraid to tell him when she was pregnant with the third. Afraid? Something that should be good happy news and she had to be afraid?
Then he's thinking of a vasectomy that seems wasn't discussed with her, and wants the last baby aborted, destroying that baby was most likely not something she ever wanted but was almost coerced into to save the marriage, cave in to his wishes.
Imagine the guilt she must have felt for the loss of a baby she dreaded, had wished wouldn't be born, then the baby dies and the loss is devastating to her. Just wanting another baby validates the 5th baby's short life. Did she ever really want an abortion or was she feeling pressured into agreeing to that?
And she knows how very much he was against that lost baby before it died, and very likely has realized that her children are what brings her happiness, the marriage doesn't sound very happy from the start, especially by the time the second baby was born and he was already end it. She has no career. All she really has are her children.
I'm going to assume that our OP was telling the truth here. I'm going to assume that they found themselves expecting child #5, discussed terminating the pregnancy, then his wife miscarried the baby. The emotional trauma she's experiencing and the anger she feels, not only for herself and her husband (who was her co-plotter in the possible termination of life) is, unfortunately, a natural and EXPECTED consequence of this situation.
Add to this situation a woman's body which is now fluctuating WILDLY from hormones which are completely out of whack! You have a recipe for disaster. Every little niggle of doubt, every little thing that her husband did, that wasn't enough to break off a marriage before, is magnified to the EXTREME, because of her pain and hormonal imbalance.
Add to this situation 4 young children, children who are a blessing, but are also a great deal of work to keep up with. She's exhausted, depressed, despondent, a hormonal train wreck, an emotional train wreck and she's looking for SOMETHING for SOMEONE to blame for these feelings. She's desperate to find a solution and for a way to feel better. Her irrational thoughts and desperation are creating the biggest part of the problem.
Sometimes when I see coldhearted and calculated responses from certain women on these boards I wonder, "Have they NEVER experienced hormonal overloads? Have they never been out of control, as in the first few months of pregnancy or the week before their monthly period? Did they ever have uncontrollable emotional swings after having a baby!?" Have they never....or have they just forgotten how those damn hormones can make you think really stupid, irrational thoughts or intensify little issues? I haven't forgotten. I CHOOSE not to forget and I choose to always be wary of what time of the month it is. Hmmmm that's probably why I'm still married after 30 years.
I have to spread it around before I can rep you again but this is a great post.
Yes, divorce doesn't seem like a reasonable solution in this woman's case, but her husband is on the verge of divorcing her too.
He's no consulation for her grief over the loss of her baby when he was coercing her into an abortion to get rid of it.
Now it's a choice between her children and her husband it seems.
What can they do to save this relationship? I'm not sure they can. If he tells her that she needs a psychiatist for wanting another baby, that's just going to make it worse. That puts him all the more against her and her babies.
This is the weirdest thread I have ever seen. Do people really make life altering decisions by themselves without discussing them with their spouse?
Well yes, yes they do. However, those marriages don't generally last too long once the deception comes out. Of course, then you have those relationships where couples actually announce an upcoming fart!
I think the issue is the guy had no real problem with 5, and not he's getting cold feet over the prospect. And remember YOU don't know how his wife felt since you are getting a one sided story which chances are knowing CD *suprise surprise* is not very objective. For all we know he is the one balking over the 5th child, and she never had an issue with it. For my part i don't think this guy is too serious anyway as he has the typical manner of that creature we shall not speak .
Regardless, he never agreed to a 5th child. Her miscarriage fixes the issue. He may have come to terms with their "oops" but that doesn't mean he ever wanted a 5th child. He just accepted that he'd have one. Well, now he has a choice. When you don't have a choice, as was the case when she was pregnant, you tent to accept your situation. Now he has a choice and he should exercise it.
First, if you have 2 cats and really want a 3rd, I wouldn't see why you shouldn't have 3 cats. So yes it makes sense to me to want one more than you already have, I think that's perfectly normal.
Read the OP, he didn't really want the first child, didn't think they had the money but the wife obviously wanted a child so badly she resorted to taking meds
By the time the second baby came along, he says they were not in a good place in the marriage, that he felt it should be over. They weren't close. The wife was even afraid to tell him when she was pregnant with the third. Afraid? Something that should be good happy news and she had to be afraid?
Then he's thinking of a vasectomy that seems wasn't discussed with her, and wants the last baby aborted, destroying that baby was most likely not something she ever wanted but was almost coerced into to save the marriage, cave in to his wishes.
ZOOOM....that was my post going right over your head...
I don't want a 3rd cat. You are arguing that he should have a 5th child when HE DOESN'T WANT ONE!!!
Imagine the guilt she must have felt for the loss of a baby she dreaded, had wished wouldn't be born, then the baby dies and the loss is devastating to her. Just wanting another baby validates the 5th baby's short life. Did she ever really want an abortion or was she feeling pressured into agreeing to that?
And she knows how very much he was against that lost baby before it died, and very likely has realized that her children are what brings her happiness, the marriage doesn't sound very happy from the start, especially by the time the second baby was born and he was already end it. She has no career. All she really has are her children.
No, an "accidental" pregnancy is not good news. And she would be afraid if it really wasn't an accident. One never knows how their spouse will respond when he's been deceived. He left birth control up to her and got two more kids and an almost. I doubt they were accidents. You just don't "accidentally" get pregnant three times without figuring out how that happens. They were on puposes he just hadn't agreed to. I really feel for this guy.
She got her wish. Going back and making another mistake doesn't fix that. That baby cannot be replaced. That baby is dead. Babies aren't interchangeable. No matter how many kids she has, the one she didn't want will always have died. This is one of the worst reasons I've ever heard for having a child. I wished I hadn't gotten pg with #5 but now that I'm not pg, I want #5?????
Well yes, yes they do. However, those marriages don't generally last too long once the deception comes out. Of course, then you have those relationships where couples actually announce an upcoming fart!
LOL! Well it seems to me that that is only polite! Especially if you are in the car.
First, if you have 2 cats and really want a 3rd, I wouldn't see why you shouldn't have 3 cats. So yes it makes sense to me to want one more than you already have, I think that's perfectly normal.
There comes a time though when wanting more is simply wanting more for the sake of more or to simply attempt to fill another void or something that is lacking. The lady who has 2 cats and then gets a third and then a fourth and eventually ends up on an episode of Hoarders, there was a point where 'more' became 'too much'. Just because you want something doesn't inherently mean you need it or it's a good idea to get it.
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Read the OP, he didn't really want the first child, didn't think they had the money but the wife obviously wanted a child so badly she resorted to taking meds
You are twisting the OP's words. He said they had trouble getting pregnant and she took meds to help with ovulation. He was worried that they wouldn't be ready financially. Hate to tell you, but that's a pretty common thought for expectant fathers to have. I took it not as a 'he didn't want that child', just that he had logical reservations about it.
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By the time the second baby came along, he says they were not in a good place in the marriage, that he felt it should be over. They weren't close. The wife was even afraid to tell him when she was pregnant with the third. Afraid? Something that should be good happy news and she had to be afraid?
He said they had a rough patch in their marriage before the second one, but worked through it and then had the second child. Let's see lot's of changes going on, wife transitioning to being a SAHM, parents for the first time, lack of sleep, hey sometimes that can make for a rocky marriage especially when you start talking about number 2, but they got through it.
Number 3 was a surprise. Everyone had adjusted to the new standard, they were getting into a groove, neither one of them was really thinking about another, they were comfortable. She got pregnant thought it would 'upset the apple cart', so she was afraid to tell him, pretty normal response when you weren't trying, unless of course SHE was trying, then it's a whole other situation. Regardless he was happy and she was happy. Four took them both totally by surprise, she didn't necessarily want another, he didn't either, but they welcomed number 4.
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Then he's thinking of a vasectomy that seems wasn't discussed with her, and wants the last baby aborted, destroying that baby was most likely not something she ever wanted but was almost coerced into to save the marriage, cave in to his wishes.
They both said they were done after four. He started thinking about getting a vasectomy, you know actually doing something so as to not get pregnant again. They were both VERY apprehensive about a 5th and their ability to handle it, even to the point that they BOTH discussed possibly ending the pregnancy. They BOTH decided that they couldn't live with that choice and moved on to acceptance and then the miscarriage.
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Imagine the guilt she must have felt for the loss of a baby she dreaded, had wished wouldn't be born, then the baby dies and the loss is devastating to her. Just wanting another baby validates the 5th baby's short life. Did she ever really want an abortion or was she feeling pressured into agreeing to that?
I'm sure the guilt and emotion are devastating, but you can't 'fix' that or 'validate' anything by just having another baby. She is running off of emotion. If what he says is true, neither of them really wanted a fifth, but now that she is grieving that loss, which is only appropriate, she is trying to 'fix the hurt', by haivng another, a choice she would have most likely NEVER consciously made before she got pregnant with baby number five.
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And she knows how very much he was against that lost baby before it died, and very likely has realized that her children are what brings her happiness, the marriage doesn't sound very happy from the start, especially by the time the second baby was born and he was already end it. She has no career. All she really has are her children.
Children do not exist to provide happiness to their parents. Do they do that, sure they do, but that's not their purpose in life. Just because all she may have is her children, that doesn't magically justify having more. Again, she is trying to fix the hurt from the loss of the baby by having another baby and you know what, it doesn't work that way. If her reasons for having more go beyond that, then they are at this point I believe only for filling some other desire or want in her life.
So, we have two situations and both may be present:
1. She is still mourning the loss of the baby and believes that getting pregnant again will fix that. It won't. This may be a choice she is making solely to fill that void and not one she would otherwise make. In that case, his best option, IMO is to work to help her through this time and connect on an emotional level with what she is going through. However, he should not simply go along with having another child to make her happy again, that would be the wrong reason to have a child.
2. She has no or a very low sense of worth. She feels she is trapped as 'just a mom' and that the two of them have drifted further apart. He works a lot, taking care of four kids is a fulltime job, they probably don't have much time together. She isn't feeling love from him like she used to, but she does feel it from the kids. So, having another helps her to continue to justify the situation and will help to mask, for a brief period of time the deeper issues and things she is lacking. Again, this is not something he should just agree to in order to make her happy for a little while longer. In this case there are much deeper issues that she is trying to paper over with more kids. They need to deal with those actual issues and fixing a parents marriage or making one of them happy is a horrible reason to have a child, whether you want more or not.
I personally think both of the above issues are present in some capacity. Either way he should not cave to her desire to have another as it won't fix anything. It may cover it up for a while, but that's it. They need to work with the real issues which is the depression and emotion over the loss and what are most likely her deep seeded feelings of having no value outside the kids and that she is not as loved and close to her husband as she wants to be. Guys tend to show love by doing; working to provide for the family, helping around the house, etc. Women tend to show love by saying it, and 'feeling' it; a soft kiss, gentle hug and whispered 'I love you' tends to mean more than changing the oil in her car, even if guys see it the same way sometimes. They need to reconnect and get on the same page and they both need to do it together, neither of them is right or wrong.
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Of course, then you have those relationships where couples actually announce an upcoming fart! 
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