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The OP wants a baby.
Does she want a screaming terrible two year old?
Does she want a school age brat?
Does she want a teenager?
No. she wants a BABY. She feels the need to be pregnant. There's a difference. She can't just have a baby and stop. The rest come with it.
If she want this baby worse than she wants a good husband, then she needs stop and look at what her life would be like without this guy when she reaches those Goldern Years. The BABY will will be grown.
If she is the type that will resent the guy because he doesn't want a baby too, she has a lot of things to think about such as what she values more. She knows this man, she doesn't know what the unborn will be.
Best post of the thread! I agree with everything you said 100%
The OP wants a baby.
Does she want a screaming terrible two year old?
Does she want a school age brat?
Does she want a teenager?
No. she wants a BABY. She feels the need to be pregnant. There's a difference. She can't just have a baby and stop. The rest come with it.
If she want this baby worse than she wants a good husband, then she needs stop and look at what her life would be like without this guy when she reaches those Goldern Years. The BABY will will be grown.
If she is the type that will resent the guy because he doesn't want a baby too, she has a lot of things to think about such as what she values more. She knows this man, she doesn't know what the unborn will be.
How do you know she just wants a baby and has a need to be pregnant?
It's obvious that you have never been a parent. Not all two-year-olds are screaming "terrible twos". Not all school-age children are "brats". Many teenagers are great people.
YOU should probably not have children because you have a negative and skewed view of kids and apparently are the type of person who buys into stereotypes easily (OR maybe you were a screaming, bratty, messed-up teenager yourself?), but that's not something you get to assign to the OP.
How do you know she just wants a baby and has a need to be pregnant?
It's obvious that you have never been a parent. Not all two-year-olds are screaming "terrible twos". Not all school-age children are "brats". Many teenagers are great people.
YOU should probably not have children because you have a negative and skewed view of kids and apparently are the type of person who buys into stereotypes easily (OR maybe you were a screaming, bratty, messed-up teenager yourself?), but that's not something you get to assign to the OP.
You don't have to be a parent to realize all that.
Well, everyone who wants a kid wants the well-behaved 2 year old, school-aged kid, and teenager. But no one WANTS the screamer, the brat, and the obnoxious teenager, but they're very important to consider before deciding. SOMEONE has to mention it to anyone considering breaking up a marriage to have a kid.
I just don't understand why SOMEONE has to go over the deep end because the negatives are mentioned. Let me guess... "it's not nice."
How do you know she just wants a baby and has a need to be pregnant?
It's obvious that you have never been a parent. Not all two-year-olds are screaming "terrible twos". Not all school-age children are "brats". Many teenagers are great people.
YOU should probably not have children because you have a negative and skewed view of kids and apparently are the type of person who buys into stereotypes easily (OR maybe you were a screaming, bratty, messed-up teenager yourself?), but that's not something you get to assign to the OP.
Oh really??? maybe it's because I have been around long enough to see women like this that have that primitive need to give birth. It's one of those Mother Nature things.
And as far as having children of my own...or never being a parent, maybe you are looking at stereotypes too. I have children, grandchildren, and even a couple of young great-grandchildren. I worked for years in a OB-GYN medical practice. And I will tell you that there are many, many women that want BABIES, but are not cut out for raising children. It takes the flexibility to adust. A lot of women don't have it.
Some of these offspring of ours were screaming two year olds, some were brats, all the teens were good. We were lucky.
The OP needs to be very careful about this. She could be making a big mistake by insisting on giving this man a hard time about not wanting to be a father. He may even doubt his ability to be a good father.
You don't have to be a parent to realize all that.
Well, everyone who wants a kid wants the well-behaved 2 year old, school-aged kid, and teenager. But no one WANTS the screamer, the brat, and the obnoxious teenager, but they're very important to consider before deciding. SOMEONE has to mention it to anyone considering breaking up a marriage to have a kid.
I just don't understand why SOMEONE has to go over the deep end because the negatives are mentioned. Let me guess... "it's not nice."
is right. Nice try, but not really. If balance and reality in a conversation is "the deep end" to you, you must live a very simple and sheltered life.
Jumping to the conclusion that a 34-year-old woman who has already suffered the trauma of bearing a child and giving it up for adoption needs someone on a message board to remind her of the shocking revelation that having a child might not turn out to be a bed of roses will just result in you whacking your damn head. You're screeching that 2+2=4 while the OP is already at long division.
Just to give another perspective: one of my closest friends was in a relationship for 6 years with a man who decided he did not want to have any more children (he has a child from a previous relationship). She did a lot of soul searching about her own desire to have children and they ultimately decided together that their relationship together was more important to both of them than having children together. They are currently happily married and she is a wonderful step-mom and aunt and "aunt" to a host of nieces and nephews and friends' kids. There are no guarantees, but my thought is the OP needs to do a lot of soul searching as well, and a lot of talking about this as a couple (discussion not ultimatums) and truly be ok with whatever she decides. Best of luck, OP, I do not envy you this set of decisions.
Oh really??? maybe it's because I have been around long enough to see women like this that have that primitive need to give birth. It's one of those Mother Nature things.
And as far as having children of my own...or never being a parent, maybe you are looking at stereotypes too. I have children, grandchildren, and even a couple of young great-grandchildren. I worked for years in a OB-GYN medical practice. And I will tell you that there are many, many women that want BABIES, but are not cut out for raising children. It takes the flexibility to adust. A lot of women don't have it.
Some of these offspring of ours were screaming two year olds, some were brats, all the teens were good. We were lucky.
The OP needs to be very careful about this. She could be making a big mistake by insisting on giving this man a hard time about not wanting to be a father. He may even doubt his ability to be a good father.
Then I was wrong about you not having kids. It just sounded so oversimplistic to me and not really part of the discussion at hand. How would the OP know she wouldn't end up with an autistic kid? A terribly deformed child? A psycho little bastard who wants to burn the house down? I didn't get the impression that this woman, at 34, was without knowledge of the risks. She's hardly a kid. I get what you are saying about women who want babies but don't think beyond the infant stage, but they are usually younger, in my experience.
I also don't get the impression that she's looking to give this man a hard time about being a father. It seems to me that he's made his position VERY clear, and that her choice is not to try to change his mind, but to decide whether or not she is willing to remain childless and stay with the man hoping the relationship will last or to leave him and have a child, possibly alone.
A former coworker of mine, married to another coworker, was in that position some years ago. He had children from a previous marriage, his ex had taken him to the cleaners, and his child support payments were astronomical. Although he had indicated earlier in the relationship with the second wife that he would have more children, after all the court dates were done with the ex, he simply said no. He did not want more children, period. His wife, who was already in her late thirties, said she could not accept that she would never have children, and they divorced. She remarried and at the age of 39 had her first and only child. The kid must be 20 by now. The man married another coworker, by the way, and he died a few years ago. They had no children.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 07-04-2012 at 10:42 AM..
Just to give another perspective: one of my closest friends was in a relationship for 6 years with a man who decided he did not want to have any more children (he has a child from a previous relationship). She did a lot of soul searching about her own desire to have children and they ultimately decided together that their relationship together was more important to both of them than having children together. They are currently happily married and she is a wonderful step-mom and aunt and "aunt" to a host of nieces and nephews and friends' kids. There are no guarantees, but my thought is the OP needs to do a lot of soul searching as well, and a lot of talking about this as a couple (discussion not ultimatums) and truly be ok with whatever she decides. Best of luck, OP, I do not envy you this set of decisions.
Of course there are no guarantees -- but when the OP wrote "what I want most is to be a mother", there's nothing much more to be said. This man is all wrong for her. Unless this was a momentary whim when she wants most to be a mother, she will never really be happy if she stays with him.
As far as the terrible two year old -- who can think a two year old is terrible? Some two years don't scream or cry at all and if you've ever picked a two year old a dandelion flower and gone through the entire day - taking walks, having lunch, reading books, playing, and then dinner and as you get that two year old ready for bed, you find that same dandelion flower still clenched in the little hands, you cannot find them terrible in spite of temper tantrums.
And the school age kid who carefully made a Mother's Day card or drew a picture of his Dad and tried to draw big muscles on him, and who loves nothing more than going camping and hiking can make parenting very special. If someone enjoys family times, there can be nothing better than a school age kid.
What's funner than having a teenager? Now they want to argue but you get the joy in watching them with their first car, come home weary from their first job and then one day they offer to go get pizza for everyone out of their own money. A teenager helps you relive your own teenage years -- the highs and the lows, the first infatution, the first break up, and your time with them is quickly coming to an end.
Only the OP can decide, she must look into herself, decides if she means it when she says that what she wants most is to be a mother. Does she really want to give up what she most wants just to hang onto some guy that really doesn't care what she wants most, he cares what he wants most.
And that's fine too for him to care about what he wants most, but each needs to find their true partner in life.
At his age, this man must be very aware that by dating women in their early 30's, he is most likely going to find women who want kids.
He could choose to date women who are older, he could tell women up front that he doesn't want kids.
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