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And it's also downright pathetic for a fully grown man to take NO RESPONSIBILITY for his own body fluids, and where they end up.
I would say that a man who is in a long term committed relationship who has discussed birth control with his partner HAS taken reasonable precautions. What you are saying is that a man bears equal responsibility for the creation of a child if his partner lies to and manipulates him in order to become pregnant. Would you say the same of a woman using birth control pills if her partner replaced her pills with vitamins or otherwise tampered with them? What if she could not take hormonal pregnancy control and her committed partner poked holes in the condom they had both agreed to use and replaced her spermicide foam with shaving cream? Would she be equally responsible for the resulting pregnancy?
You're saying that anyone who trusts their partner not to maliciously seek to harm them is just as responsible for the outcome as that partner...would you say the same of other abusive actions? Is a woman equally responsible if her spouse strikes her? After all, it takes two to enter into a relationship.
If a woman walks down a dark alley in the dead of night and is violently mugged, you might be able to say she should have been more cautious- though I would still hope you would put the bulk of responsibility on the criminal who harmed her. But if a woman wakes one morning to find her 'loving' spouse has emptied her bank account and run for the hills, is she at fault for giving him any access to the account?
I don't recall the OP saying she'd have to leave. Doesn't matter.
By the way, why not leave and divorce BEFORE the in-vitro? Gotta take his wallet with you?
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Originally Posted by Yellow Jacket
Exactly, a woman has caused an oops but they are oh so quick to run to the court house and force child support on the father. I've seen that story played oh too many times. It's downright pathetic.
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Originally Posted by malamute
Women don't cause an "oops" by themselves. It really does take two to tango when it comes to having a child.
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Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope
And it's also downright pathetic for a fully grown man to take NO RESPONSIBILITY for his own body fluids, and where they end up.
Somebody suggested in vitro, as steelstress quoted, and this is the direct line of subsequent conversations. Why would a man be responsible for her pregnancy with another man's child? "Oops," "two to tango," and "responsibility with bodily fluids" are irrelevant to the in vitro process. Besides, the OP and her boyfriend aren't even married, right?
Somebody suggested in vitro, as steelstress quoted, and this is the direct line of subsequent conversations. Why would a man be responsible for her pregnancy with another man's child? "Oops," "two to tango," and "responsibility with bodily fluids" are irrelevant to the in vitro process. Besides, the OP and her boyfriend aren't even married, right?
Re: the bolded part. In some states, if your wife is pregnant, it doesn't matter who the bio father is, the state regards the husband as the legal father.
I don't think they're married. The OP didn't state specifically. Just that she's "with" this guy.
I can see where he's coming from because he is a parent in a completely different phase. Going back to baby phase would be tough on him and his son in these crucial high school years. Would he be open to temporary foster parenting of babies/toddlers? Or maybe adopting an older child?
Re: the bolded part. In some states, if your wife is pregnant, it doesn't matter who the bio father is, the state regards the husband as the legal father.
Even if the fatherhood is easily disproven due to in vitro records? Or being a step-parent? I don't know, I'm really asking.
OP - I really think you need to examine your reasons for wanting to have a child. Is it to fill a void in your life? Is it to feel more useful or make a difference? Is it because you think you are less of a woman if you don't have biological children of your own?
I just think you may be making a huge mistake by kicking a good man to the curb because of a void you have in your soul. There is many ways to feed it that doesn't include having children, from having pets (if you feel you need to nuture), volunteering as a big brother/big sister, getting closer to nephews/nieces, maybe developing a better relationship with your step-son, volunteer at a local center for pregnant teens, or even participating in a 5K for kids with cancer. You don't have to have your own kids to make an impact, you just have to make a difference in one child or person's life.
I have a big issue with this. This is a 30-something woman who wants to be a mom. What is there that suggests she's trying to fill a void? Would you say that about anyone who wants to be a parent? None of the things you mention- having a pet, volunteering, being an aunt- can replace being a mom. Not even close. It is insulting to parents everywhere that you imply that something must be wrong inside if you feel the need to have a child of your own.
Even if the fatherhood is easily disproven due to in vitro records? Or being a step-parent? I don't know, I'm really asking.
Unfortunately, yes. There have been cases where the man is proven to not be the father but still had to pay child support until the child was 18. The courts will look at what is in the best interest of the child.
My vote is tell him up front that she's going in for insemination and will be leaving him if it works. They can start the divorce proceedings before she has her first appointment just in case. A lawyer should be able to clear this so that the baby isn't considered his even though it might be concieved before the marriage ends.
Unfortunately, yes. There have been cases where the man is proven to not be the father but still had to pay child support until the child was 18. The courts will look at what is in the best interest of the child.
Okay. I recall some of those, now that you mention it. But I think that there was an issue with stepfathers who raised children for many years and the truth of their paternity came out during the divorce. I am not sure precedent has been set for a man whose wife deliberately got invitro against his explicit wishes, and then who promptly filed for divorce.
But anyway, we don't know if the OP and her man are married in the first place, and debating who's liable for child support on the off-chance that the OP pays for expensive in vitro treatment without her husband's realizing it, then divorces him in hopes of landing some fat child support cash for herself--well, it seems nitpicky and I'm bowing out of the conversation. :-)
I have a big issue with this. This is a 30-something woman who wants to be a mom. What is there that suggests she's trying to fill a void? Would you say that about anyone who wants to be a parent? None of the things you mention- having a pet, volunteering, being an aunt- can replace being a mom. Not even close. It is insulting to parents everywhere that you imply that something must be wrong inside if you feel the need to have a child of your own.
Yes -- and it makes as much sense to say that she's hanging onto this man to try and fill some void.
Also there are no more guarantees with him than there are with a child. He might get in a car accident and become paralyzed. He may be maintaining his fertility for his own reasons -- he may later meet a woman who he would like to have a family with and leave the OP for this other woman. The OP could decide to give up everything for him and end up without children or a man.
There are never guarantees in life -- but it's important not to give up all your dreams just to hang onto a relationship. Of course if she decides that having a family was really just a fleeting whim, and deep down she really never wants a child then fine -- but why should she give up what she wants most just to hold onto some man?
Yes -- and it makes as much sense to say that she's hanging onto this man to try and fill some void.
Also there are no more guarantees with him than there are with a child. He might get in a car accident and become paralyzed. He may be maintaining his fertility for his own reasons -- he may later meet a woman who he would like to have a family with and leave the OP for this other woman. The OP could decide to give up everything for him and end up without children or a man.
There are never guarantees in life -- but it's important not to give up all your dreams just to hang onto a relationship. Of course if she decides that having a family was really just a fleeting whim, and deep down she really never wants a child then fine -- but why should she give up what she wants most just to hold onto some man?
Because, from the sound of it, he's not "some man." She cares deeply for him.
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