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Why would your man want a child? He already has one.
Why would you value an imaginary entity (baby) over a flesh-and-blood reality (your guy)? Your man is your equal, and you get along wonderfully with him. Think carefully about messing up this scenario for a phantom entity.
Also, I agree that this conversation should have taken place a long time ago with him.
Of course there are no guarantees -- but when the OP wrote "what I want most is to be a mother", there's nothing much more to be said. This man is all wrong for her. Unless this was a momentary whim when she wants most to be a mother, she will never really be happy if she stays with him.
As far as the terrible two year old -- who can think a two year old is terrible? Some two years don't scream or cry at all and if you've ever picked a two year old a dandelion flower and gone through the entire day - taking walks, having lunch, reading books, playing, and then dinner and as you get that two year old ready for bed, you find that same dandelion flower still clenched in the little hands, you cannot find them terrible in spite of temper tantrums.
And the school age kid who carefully made a Mother's Day card or drew a picture of his Dad and tried to draw big muscles on him, and who loves nothing more than going camping and hiking can make parenting very special. If someone enjoys family times, there can be nothing better than a school age kid.
What's funner than having a teenager? Now they want to argue but you get the joy in watching them with their first car, come home weary from their first job and then one day they offer to go get pizza for everyone out of their own money. A teenager helps you relive your own teenage years -- the highs and the lows, the first infatution, the first break up, and your time with them is quickly coming to an end.
Only the OP can decide, she must look into herself, decides if she means it when she says that what she wants most is to be a mother. Does she really want to give up what she most wants just to hang onto some guy that really doesn't care what she wants most, he cares what he wants most.
And that's fine too for him to care about what he wants most, but each needs to find their true partner in life.
I think she will regret not having kids if she doesn't have them, however, there are no guarantees that she will be able to have them. If it were me, I'd tell him that I'm signing up for artificial insemination and if it works I will be divorcing him.
My kids are the biggest part of my life and I wasn't trying to fill the hole left by having had the courage to give a baby up for adoption. No relationship would be worth giving up my kids. I'd rather be single with kids than married without them. The OP needs to decide what she'd rather be.
How do I cope with this information when what I want most is to be a mother. .
I don't know how you cope with that information. A long walk on the beach, maybe?
I think what you are really asking is: Baby or Man? And you answered that question by saying what you want most is to be a mother.
Whatever you do, don't try and change him to fit your mold of being a mother and having a happy little family. Don't try and change someone else to get what YOU want. That rarely has a happy ending.
Don't romantize a baby. They are a lot of work. Why do you want a child? How often do you take care of kids? It is more than seeing a cute kid at the zoo, holding his Mom's hand. I have kids..and know that I sometimes wish my life had taken a different path...I have a friend who never had kids...she has such an awesome life!
Don't romantize a baby. They are a lot of work. Why do you want a child? How often do you take care of kids? It is more than seeing a cute kid at the zoo, holding his Mom's hand. I have kids..and know that I sometimes wish my life had taken a different path...I have a friend who never had kids...she has such an awesome life!
I believe the OP likely knows as much as anybody who hasn't parented yet. She's 34, not some idealistic 16 year old. She's already done the hardest thing humanly possible, give up her own child so he can have a better life.
If she wants a baby, there really isn't any getting around that. Telling her it's not necessarily what it's cracked up to be is not going to change her mind.
OP, if you don't take the road your instincts are leading you down then your going to be one resentful woman down the line. I think your only choice is to let this man go and see where life takes you.
It's an awful choice, sorry. One thing I would say is don't settle for someone because you think you're running out of time. It's just as important to find the right partner, and you need to be careful you don't pick the wrong dude because you're too focused on the end game.
Look down the road about 30-40 years more.
Will your children still be with you? Or will they have families and lives without you?
Will you be alone or with someone that is a good friend and companion.
Trust me on this. You will miss not having a great companion. I see one of my children about every two years. Another is a very busy guy with 6 kids. I doubt if I am thought about much. But, my friend is by my side everyday. He's here and he is my life. I hate to think what it would be if he were merely the guy that made it possible for me to have babies.
Your partner should be much more than a mere sperm donor.
Look down the road about 30-40 years more.
Will your children still be with you? Or will they have families and lives without you?
Will you be alone or with someone that is a good friend and companion.
Trust me on this. You will miss not having a great companion. I see one of my children about every two years. Another is a very busy guy with 6 kids. I doubt if I am thought about much. But, my friend is by my side everyday. He's here and he is my life. I hate to think what it would be if he were merely the guy that made it possible for me to have babies.
Your partner should be much more than a mere sperm donor.
Do what I did. I am 33yrs old. Have no kids nor do I want any. Instead I went out and bought a dog! When people as if I have any kids, I tell them yes and show them a pic of my 3 month old Boston Terrier pup! Twice the fun and entertainment with a fraction of the responsibility that comes with having a child!
Just yesterday I was spending the 4th with my family and had a female cousin ask me when do I plan on having kids. My response was...."for what?" She looked at me as if that was the worst thing she ever heard in her life. Not even 10 minutes later she was practically pulling her hair out while yelling and trying to reprimand her son about running in and out the house. She then goes on complaining about how day care is so expensive, and she doesnt know how much longer she will be able to afford to keep her son in there. I became nauseous just hearing her rant on about the difficulities of being a mother/having a child. I turned to her and said....."And you think I'm crazy for not wanting any???" LOL. I never understood people (mainly women) who are desperate to have children, then all they do is complain once they have them. They complain about lack of sleep, finances, missing work due to Dr appointments, lack of free time and freedom, cant find a baby sitter, etc... Then when the become teenagers and start college, I hear them talk about how they cant wait for them to graduate and move out so that they can have the house back to themselves. In my head I'm like.....If this is the case, why have any kids at all if all you're going to do is complain???
Last edited by louie0406; 07-05-2012 at 10:56 AM..
OP - I really think you need to examine your reasons for wanting to have a child. Is it to fill a void in your life? Is it to feel more useful or make a difference? Is it because you think you are less of a woman if you don't have biological children of your own?
I just think you may be making a huge mistake by kicking a good man to the curb because of a void you have in your soul. There is many ways to feed it that doesn't include having children, from having pets (if you feel you need to nuture), volunteering as a big brother/big sister, getting closer to nephews/nieces, maybe developing a better relationship with your step-son, volunteer at a local center for pregnant teens, or even participating in a 5K for kids with cancer. You don't have to have your own kids to make an impact, you just have to make a difference in one child or person's life.
Giving up a big part of who you are and what you want in life to please a man is simply not worth it. They don't reciprocate, and sometimes they don't even stick around. If you stay with this guy and he doesn't change his mind, he will have a child and you won't.
I'm wondering if this guy is also on the fence about getting married, or tells you you'll get married someday but you'll just have to trust him as to when, or you can get married but need to wait until (fill in the blank). Often, they're the same type of guy.
I'm guessing that you can do a lot better than this.
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Twice the fun and entertainment with a fraction of the responsibility that comes with having a child!
