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What's nonsense here? The fact you don't like facts?
It's a fact that modern conveniences have removed most of the work from housework. It's also a fact that birth control now allows women to have the number of children they want when they want them instead of however many you get. It's a fact that most of the work has been removed from the home. Personally, I like this fact because it's what allows me to have a choice as to whether or not to work for a living. I can work a job because more than 40 hours a week of housework has been eliminated at home. If it hadn't been, none of us would have a choice and we'd all be over worked.
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I know you have some sick hatred for SAHM. That much has been made evident by your posts all over this forum.
But I bet you 10 grand RIGHT NOW my mother worked harder as a SAHM than you do right now.
One big reason working moms can 'do it all' is how much they half-ass everything.
I encourage you to take this bet as I have a vacation planned for May.
Bonus points for a total failure of reading comprehension on your part. Both of my post and the op's.
We now know about SID and watch infants like a hawk, so we sit next to their beds... Well, you get my drift. I think in older times life was less complicated, and just way easier in certain ways.
Exactly, not to mention, let's remember the infant and child mortality rates...when any given child had about 50% chance of surviving, yea they didn't worry about SIDS...still wanna go back to the olden days?
I've already said this, but it seems to be falling through the cracks.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE CHORES OR THE CLEANING, NOR AM I THAT OVERWHELMED WITH THEM.
I also do NOT spend every waking moment actively entertaining my child, and even if I was, that's not what i am complaining about either.
...
Is it really so outrageous that the FATHER spend some time with his son one-on-one rather than paying a stranger to do it or pretending the child isn't there??
I'm sorry I didn't read the whole 64 pages, I did the first 12 and the last 2 though, so sorry if I missed bits of info.
I think the only solution is to bring it up the the FATHER and discuss the issue with him.
I've already said this, but it seems to be falling through the cracks.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE CHORES OR THE CLEANING, NOR AM I THAT OVERWHELMED WITH THEM.
I also do NOT spend every waking moment actively entertaining my child, and even if I was, that's not what i am complaining about either.
HOWEVER, whichever way you want to put it, I am spending my entire day, aside from the time he is with DH, as the sole caretaker responsible for DS. Whether I am doing chores or taking him to playdates or reading to him or, believe it or not, browsing the web while he's playing on his own, it doesn't matter - unless I decide to just entirely ignore him and pretend he's not there, I still need to be there to attend to his needs. Even if I try to ignore him, say trying to write an email, it's not an easy task - he'll come over ten times asking something, he'll start crawling up on me, try to peer into the computer, try to press buttons. I mean, yes, I can snap at him and pry him off and tell him to go away and leave me alone - but I don't feel good about that, because I don't think it gives a good message. He's only 3! Regardless though, any way you look at it - taking care of a child is a responsibility; you can't forget and pretend they're not there! I need to make sure he's safe; that he's not getting into anything he shouldn't or damaging things; that he's fed and clean and dressed and has his bum wiped; that he knows there is someone there to interact with him, teach him, listen to him. It is not the same as just being alone on your own. It is not the same as going off for a coffee or some shopping for a couple hours and knowing you don't need to take care of anyone else. It's wonderful and rewarding but also exhausting! And what I want to know is why, instead of the child's father spending a couple of hours with him on the weekend, the choices people suggest here are a)child being ignored or b)babysitter. Is it really so outrageous that the FATHER spend some time with his son one-on-one rather than paying a stranger to do it or pretending the child isn't there??
I don't think anyone suggested that you should ignore your son and pretend he is not there.
However, at 3, you do need to figure out ways for him to be independent and playing by himself. At first this may only be for 15 minutes, but here are some suggestions for this part of the problem
First, pick an activity you know he likes and that will absorb him for a short period of time.
Next, sit with him to start the activity.
Then, leave him to do the activity by himself for a few minutes.
Check on him after several minutes (start with 2 minutes, then 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, etc., until you can see he is playing well for some period of time like 15 or 20 minutes)
At his age, you probably will not get more time than that at first, but keep trying to build up his time.
I agree that it will be difficult to become absorbed in adult activities like emailing a friend during this time, but you can, perhaps put in a load of laundry or vacuum one room. As he gets older this time will increase.
Now another technique that always worked well for me at that age was to invite another child over for a playdate or to have a small playgroup that rotates houses (if he is not ready for preschool yet). We actually started a 4 child playgroup when my son was 18 months old. We began with all the moms staying and having it once every week. The playgroup lasted about 2 hours. After a while, two moms stayed and the other two moms left to run errands, have coffee or do anything they wished. Then when the kids and moms were really comfortable, the mom at whose house the playgroup was stayed and the other three left.
We set up activities for the kids for part of the time (often playdough or arts and crafts or a music activity) and then allowed the kids to play with each other with toys the rest of the time. It was like a mini-preschool and it took some time to figure out the pacing, but it was worth the effort.
I found at 3, that it was easier to have two children than one because they occupied each other, so we often had friends who knew us well leave their kids for several hours during the day and they did the same with my son. We had a *babysitting co-op* actually that worked well for this, but neighborhood friends could also work.
As for the safety issues, hopefully your house is relatively child proofed. Just make sure that things you know he can make a mess with or get hurt on are put away (even locked up). Do, however, provide him with times when he is allowed to make a mess and make a game out of cleaning it up when he does this. My kids love to paint, so we got smocks on, taped paper to the table and used fingers to paint with or brushes with larger handles. An easy one to clean up is actually water play in a plastic container, at the sink or in the bathtub. There are tons of possibilities.
Start now teaching him to be independent about the potty too though you will probably still have to help wipe at this age.
Unless he is incredibly destructive, he is unlikely to be damaging anything significant if your house is childproofed. If he is a climber, you need to be a bit more on top of things, but this is where going outside to the park or even for a walk (bringing the stroller so when he gets tired, you can put him in it) is productive.
Now, as to the dad spending time with his son, I agree with you and we did do this too. My dh often took the kids to the park for a couple of hours on a nice Saturday or occupied them in the house sometimes too. I could either stay home and read or go out and shop or whatever I wanted to do. That time certainly is something you can talk to your dh about.
I'm sorry I didn't read the whole 64 pages, I did the first 12 and the last 2 though, so sorry if I missed bits of info.
I think the only solution is to bring it up the the FATHER and discuss the issue with him.
Done that; if the talk takes place at a 'neutral' time, in theory, he understands, he gets it, he is super-involved and super-helpful.
Once it comes to arranging a specific time or day for him to take over, that's when the complaining and excuses and the accusations start...
My dh often took the kids to the park for a couple of hours on a nice Saturday or occupied them in the house sometimes too. I could either stay home and read or go out and shop or whatever I wanted to do.
Ahhhhh! See, this is it - THIS is really ALL I'm asking for and I would LOVE if I could just have that once a week - without guilt trips and grumbling and having to 'make up' for it somehow. Seriously - this is all I've been asking in this thread, is it unreasonable to expect that level of help from DH? Not chores, not housework - just a couple hours of precious freedom while he at the same time spends time with DS.
This is normal practice among most of my friends, who are also sahms.
I do have friends with kids the same age, but for some reason no one is really into the babysitting coop idea...many of the kids still have separation anxiety and are still a bit young, and no one (me included) wants to deal with the chance of a meltdown with two screaming toddlers, one of whom is not even yours .
I am looking forward to starting a drop-off preschool hopefully in the fall...they are damn expensive here too, but he needs it anyway, and I'll get some time off...
Done that; if the talk takes place at a 'neutral' time, in theory, he understands, he gets it, he is super-involved and super-helpful.
Once it comes to arranging a specific time or day for him to take over, that's when the complaining and excuses and the accusations start...
Well then you have to just go ahead and leave him to deal with the child. He has the right to complain and find excuses and all, but you have to stand your ground and just leave. For an appointment. For a walk. It doesn't matter. Come back in a couple of hours. If he is angry or lost when you come back, don't start arguing or accusing or saying things like "see, that's what I have to do every day", but rather tell him happily how well he did taking care of the child etc. use positive reinforcement. But you have to initiate these things, or he will always find excuses. Also, to his defense, if he never really stayed with the child alone, he may be scared, because he doesn't know what to do. Let him learn. Help him learn. Give him a list of things they can do together while you are gone. But you have to initiate these "father/son meetings" at this point.
I know you have some sick hatred for SAHM. That much has been made evident by your posts all over this forum.
But I bet you 10 grand RIGHT NOW my mother worked harder as a SAHM than you do right now. One big reason working moms can 'do it all' is how much they half-ass everything.
I encourage you to take this bet as I have a vacation planned for May.
Bonus points for a total failure of reading comprehension on your part. Both of my post and the op's.
I guess you have similar feelings toward WM's? At least that is what comes across in your post.
Perhaps I need to catch up on this thread but can't both SAHM and WM be good Mom's?
I've already said this, but it seems to be falling through the cracks.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE CHORES OR THE CLEANING, NOR AM I THAT OVERWHELMED WITH THEM.
I also do NOT spend every waking moment actively entertaining my child, and even if I was, that's not what i am complaining about either.
HOWEVER, whichever way you want to put it, I am spending my entire day, aside from the time he is with DH, as the sole caretaker responsible for DS. Whether I am doing chores or taking him to playdates or reading to him or, believe it or not, browsing the web while he's playing on his own, it doesn't matter - unless I decide to just entirely ignore him and pretend he's not there, I still need to be there to attend to his needs. Even if I try to ignore him, say trying to write an email, it's not an easy task - he'll come over ten times asking something, he'll start crawling up on me, try to peer into the computer, try to press buttons. I mean, yes, I can snap at him and pry him off and tell him to go away and leave me alone - but I don't feel good about that, because I don't think it gives a good message. He's only 3! Regardless though, any way you look at it - taking care of a child is a responsibility; you can't forget and pretend they're not there! I need to make sure he's safe; that he's not getting into anything he shouldn't or damaging things; that he's fed and clean and dressed and has his bum wiped; that he knows there is someone there to interact with him, teach him, listen to him. It is not the same as just being alone on your own. It is not the same as going off for a coffee or some shopping for a couple hours and knowing you don't need to take care of anyone else. It's wonderful and rewarding but also exhausting! And what I want to know is why, instead of the child's father spending a couple of hours with him on the weekend, the choices people suggest here are a)child being ignored or b)babysitter. Is it really so outrageous that the FATHER spend some time with his son one-on-one rather than paying a stranger to do it or pretending the child isn't there??
I don't think that's asking too much at all. "Hi Honey! I need to run errands for a couple of hours and I'll be home at ___________. Enjoy your time with DS!"
Then when you walk out the door - try to leave everything there behind for the time you've allowed yourself and go do something. Ignore any sighs or rolled eyes - perhaps DH would like to do the grocery shopping? (This is gonna be a NO) and walk out and do not feel guilty.
Easy peasy.
I wouldn't suggest trying this every night though. I had a girl friend who left the house the second her husband got home - every single night. They got divorced.
But two hours on a week-end? Yeah, that is not asking too much.
I've already said this, but it seems to be falling through the cracks.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE CHORES OR THE CLEANING, NOR AM I THAT OVERWHELMED WITH THEM.
I also do NOT spend every waking moment actively entertaining my child, and even if I was, that's not what i am complaining about either.
HOWEVER, whichever way you want to put it, I am spending my entire day, aside from the time he is with DH, as the sole caretaker responsible for DS. Whether I am doing chores or taking him to playdates or reading to him or, believe it or not, browsing the web while he's playing on his own, it doesn't matter - unless I decide to just entirely ignore him and pretend he's not there, I still need to be there to attend to his needs. Even if I try to ignore him, say trying to write an email, it's not an easy task - he'll come over ten times asking something, he'll start crawling up on me, try to peer into the computer, try to press buttons. I mean, yes, I can snap at him and pry him off and tell him to go away and leave me alone - but I don't feel good about that, because I don't think it gives a good message. He's only 3! Regardless though, any way you look at it - taking care of a child is a responsibility; you can't forget and pretend they're not there! I need to make sure he's safe; that he's not getting into anything he shouldn't or damaging things; that he's fed and clean and dressed and has his bum wiped; that he knows there is someone there to interact with him, teach him, listen to him. It is not the same as just being alone on your own. It is not the same as going off for a coffee or some shopping for a couple hours and knowing you don't need to take care of anyone else. It's wonderful and rewarding but also exhausting! And what I want to know is why, instead of the child's father spending a couple of hours with him on the weekend, the choices people suggest here are a)child being ignored or b)babysitter. Is it really so outrageous that the FATHER spend some time with his son one-on-one rather than paying a stranger to do it or pretending the child isn't there??
People are saying you sound overwhelmed because... you sound overwhelmed.
People on this forum are explaining (as you seem to deny in one breath, then reiterate in another) that your time management is contributing to your issues with your husband. You two seem to have different issues - he wants a wife, someone to deal with on an adult level - and you want a break from your child, whether it is because you want your husband to be a better father, or just to have some alone time. It's NOT that hard to fix, if these are the real issues at hand - but you are covering your eyes and not wanting to see the advice for what it is.
Encourage your child to be more independent and disciplined. You will be able to take him grocery shopping, get chores done while it's just you and him in the house, and most importantly, he will be a better kid for it. Try and work on a better bedtime for him - try 8pm. Now you have a few hours for adult time with your husband, and STILL be going to bed at a decent hour, which will be a huge help if your son wakes up early.
Let's pretend you didn't immediately start yelling at the PC screen. What is being accomplished here, when you look at what the problems seem to be?
Your husband is likely happier, because he has a wife again, not just a mother of his kid. He is likely going to be more amenable to spending time with a child who, now a bit more independent, can entertain himself a bit instead of constantly needing someone to actively play with him. It follows suit (assuming your husband is a decent guy) that he may be more willing to take on more kid duties on his days off. If he doesn't, then you can happily leave this forum, go to Relationships, and the discussion will be looked at from a relationship point of view, sans kid.
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