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I don't think this OP is alone in his meanderings. The thing is though, regarding parenting, there are no guarantees or warranties on children and how they turn out. Those who have an intact family fare better according to the stats but then some from good families wind up in prison. Parenting means you are at war with the culture, peers, broken school systems, your own values, sometimes grandparents, day to day dangers of existing et al. I've not seen anyone that got through parenting unscathed. If I had it to do over again, and knowing what I understand now, I'd do some things differently. Just doesn't work that way. You live with mistakes. No mulligans. I love my children and they tell me they love their parents but in truth, I don't know that I'd do it over again even if I could go back. It is the most challenging aspect of life IMOP.
My parents didn't monitor my movies at all -- in fact, they took me with them to see movies I would never show an eight year old. (They probably didn't want to pay a sitter.)
So -- lucky me -- I saw all kinds of inappropriate (for a kid) behavior. We'd also take long car trips to Canada and my dad would play Johnny Cash over and over. Songs the included plenty of cocaine, shooting women, shooting people "just to watch them die" etc. etc. Again, my sister and I were under ten.
TV shows were the same. We often saw things that made me squirm big time. It was all age inappropriate.
In case you think my parents were hippies or low lifes -- nope. Both went to college, were professionals, had excellent jobs.
Just idiots.
I'm 49 now and, yeah, I'm -- gasp! -- letting my kids have a childhood.
Topics like this get beaten over the head (here and in RL), and a lot of people miss the boat entirely.
Not sheltering your kids does NOT mean they start having sex/doing drugs/etc. at age 12. It means you raise them to be responsible enough to deal with the world, make (good) decisions on their own, and trust they will act accordingly. In essence, you give them something to rise to. Of course, there will still be the few who completely abuse the privilege - and likely have it taken away thereafter - but most kids want to make the right choices, not disappoint.
Every child will react differently. I don't think you can put a blanket statement how any child will turn out. My sister and I are completely different brought up by strict parents.
I think by not providing any rules you are asking for trouble. You need to give a child limits.
I would also like to state that there is no guarantee that your children will turn out the way you want them to.
Bill Cosby once mused that it was too bad that kids weren't like Polaroids. You looked at them and if you didn't like what you saw you just didn't put the lacquer on them they would just fade away.
I think it's sad when parents try to shelter their children --- keep them bound by strict curfews, monitor their internet activity, send them to private Christian schools, other stuff like that. What do they expect will happen when their kids are finally on their own to explore the world? All those repressed desires are going to come out. What happens is the young adults start partying to make up for all the socialization and sexual freedom they never had when they were younger. They say that the hardest drinking, most promiscuous sorority girls tend to be daughters of pastors.
Thoughts?
I think you're way off-base.
Kids with involved parents who know what they're doing do better than unsupervised kids who are allowed to run amok.
The whole "I was repressed so I went nuts in college" thing is a cliche and I actually didn't really see very much of it.
I grew up in a very strict household. Early curfew, Christian school, super sheltered. I rebelled dramatically. Fled from the religion, left the rules behind, broke every rule simply because they were there. My husband grew up in a house with pretty much no rules. Public school, no real curfew, no sheltering at all really. He rebelled not at all, but didn't feel particularly "parented" either. We are trying to do something in between. Give our son some rules, some structure, but not so much that he feels the only way to be himself is to rebel against it all.
Ironically, we are planning to homeschool, not to shelter him, but because private schools in our area are all religious and I refuse to do that to him, and public schools don't seem to actually TEACH anymore so much as imprison.
We are trying to keep in mind that our son is a person, with his own ideas, opinions, and needs, and while we, as parents, may occasionally overrule him, we don't do it arbitrarily and we explain to him WHY he is being overruled. I HATED being told "No" and the reason being "because I said so", so I try extremely hard to explain WHY. And since he is 4, that is sometimes oh so much fun.
I think, as a parent, we do need to shelter our children, to an extent. Moderation is the key. Finding that balance is tricky, but it's worth it.
Every child will react differently. I don't think you can put a blanket statement how any child will turn out. My sister and I are completely different brought up by strict parents.
I think by not providing any rules you are asking for trouble. You need to give a child limits.
As with everything, the key is balance. The term one person used was scaffolding. You hold them up, provide structure and support for the things they need, the things that they are not capable of yet on their own. And you allow and encourage and support learning to do, chose, decide the things that they can.
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