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she said "OH I would never want somebody else's mistake". I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
When I first told my husband's family that I had given a child up for adoption, one of his cousins said, "So that's what's wrong with you."
Flabbergasted, I retorted with, "At least my kid wasn't born in prison and left up to my grandparents to raise it."
See, his daughter has had three kids now, two of them while she was in prison for seven years, one by a correctional officer, and she refused to give either child up for adoption, so he & his wife have been raising them, while they complain about not being able to go on their road trips and cruises anymore, and all they do is drop the kids off at a younger parents house while they go out at night.
"Family raises family no matter what" is not a good excuse to put a child through a hard life when they didn't ask to be born.
Studies on child abuse and neglect would disagree with you. It is human nature to value more that which was hard for us to achieve. It just is. There's no reason children would be an exception here and abuse and neglect statistics would back this up.
Could you show me the research for this, please?
I'm pretty sure that loving couples who conceive within a month of trying, or oops, 6 months before they planned to start trying are just as good parents as those who tried for years.
It's not about how long or hard you try to get your child. It's about how much you want a child in your family and the degree of effort you are willing to put into raising the child once you are holding said child in your arms.
It's patently ridiculous to assert that someone who tries for 6 years and then adopts will love more and be a better parent than someone who effortlessly conceived.
A small, but practical thing which I don't think has been suggested yet would be to get your daughter a good book about pregnancy. Look for something simple and straightforward. I haven't read it, but have heard good things about "What to Expect When You're Expecting", used good copies of which frequently turn up on thrift shop shelves.
As the birth date approaches, a similar book on birth, then another on infancy and early childhood development would be useful - for both parents. If you don't think they'd read such books, look for DVDs on the same topics, and see if the obstetrician has booklets and pamphlets. Your local health department may also have free material that would help your daughter realize that having a baby includes much more than simply filling a drawer with cute baby clothes.
Good luck to you - has your daughter made any progress towards looking for an apartment, seeing the doctor, looking into available services, etc.?
What you posted (below) is a black hole of negativity about children who were mistakes and oopses. Meanwhile, adopted children started out the same way as mistakes and oopses too!
I'm sure your bio mother did love you very much to put you up for adoption, but it's wrong of you to assume that you were loved and wanted more than other children who were mistakes and oops whose mothers chose to keep them instead. Obviously they were wanted if their mothers kept them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
I grew up hearing my parents saying, "We picked you out special because we wanted you," so in my eyes, my parents were walking along an aisle at the Pic N Save and said, "I want...THAT ONE!" I was wanted. I was special.
Then imagine hearing your friends say, "I was a mistake, an oops, I wasn't wanted, but here I am."
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
First I can't believe you called her a mistake and an opps. And that her bio mother "chose not to keep you" .
SHE is the one who used the term "mistake and oops" for children whose parents had unplanned pregnancies. The majority of pregnancies are mistakes and oopses! I'm just pointing that adopted children fall right into that same "mistake and oops" category.
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
Why can't you look at it in the positive light that her bio Mom decided it was best for her child (the poster) that she be placed for adoption.
I'm merely defending the millions and millions of mistakes and oopses whose parents chose to keep them. They didn't love their children any less simply because the pregnancy was unplanned. What Convxtech posted (in bold above) was very offensive---as if all unplanned children were unwanted simply because their parents didn't put them up for adoption to be picked out on a grocery store shelf by someone who was planning to have children. Choosing to keep a child is a plan too!
What you posted (below) is a black hole of negativity about children who were mistakes and oopses. Meanwhile, adopted children started out the same way as mistakes and oopses too!
I'm sure your bio mother did love you very much to put you up for adoption, but it's wrong of you to assume that you were loved and wanted more than other children who were mistakes and oops whose mothers chose to keep them instead. Obviously they were wanted if their mothers kept them
A small, but practical thing which I don't think has been suggested yet would be to get your daughter a good book about pregnancy. Look for something simple and straightforward. I haven't read it, but have heard good things about "What to Expect When You're Expecting", used good copies of which frequently turn up on thrift shop shelves.
As the birth date approaches, a similar book on birth, then another on infancy and early childhood development would be useful - for both parents. If you don't think they'd read such books, look for DVDs on the same topics, and see if the obstetrician has booklets and pamphlets. Your local health department may also have free material that would help your daughter realize that having a baby includes much more than simply filling a drawer with cute baby clothes.
Good luck to you - has your daughter made any progress towards looking for an apartment, seeing the doctor, looking into available services, etc.?
Great post. Even if she is working full time she can at least call to make a doctor's appointment during her lunch break. I believe that you said, a few months ago, that her BF bought her a phone and pays for her plan.
She can check on line for apartments and available services any time after work on a computer at a library, almost all libraries are open on evenings.
Ivorytickler, aren't you, among others, one of my long-time followers? I'm the "bad mother", remember? The one who isn't raising my kids right? Hmmmm...........
Oh, BTW, we are currently in the process of buying our lt rental home, its 5/3. We certainly won't need so much room for just dh and me, however, we want to be sure there's always a place for our kids if they need to come back.
What do you mean, you don't have room for your dd and her child? There's always room, perhaps not convenient, but there's always some corner you can shove someone into, as opposed to sleeping in a car, while pregnant
I can still hope she changes her mind. Maybe if she doesn't get what she wants because of the pregnancy, she'll think twice about it. I can hope. I don't think it will happen though. I think she'll keep the baby either way whether it's what's best for the baby or not. I am not proud of her choices here but she's an adult and they are her choices. All that's left to do is damage control.
Right now, it looks bleak. I hope it works out better than I'm expecting. Sometimes kids surprise you. She did get a job when she found out she was pregnant and he got a second job. I can think of worse responses to finding out you're going to be parents at 19 an 20. Let's hope they surprise me.
thats a good sign Ivory. See, they may end up surprising you and be wonderful parents to the child.
You know, back where I am from, 19 and 20 is not considered "very young". legal age is 18 years and I know quite a few people who got married at that age, had children by 20 and leading a life. Happens in villages where I come from.
If you talk about olden days, my grand ma got married when she was only 14 years old. And had a kid at 16. She has a total of 5 children by 23 and my grand-mom and grand-dad were married for almost 50 years (then my prand pa died). So, even though they are not yet married, they still can take good care of the children.
As i said, where I am from, 19 and be a mom is not too uncommon in villages. Dont worry too much. She may do just fine.
have you found any leads to apartments yet?
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